"remember jenae," i told myself, standing in front of chris's front door. "you're just dropping his watch off, that's it." i convinced myself, confident enough to knock on the door.
today i saw chris's watch still on the counter and was reminded to return it. i texted him that i would be over a drop it off and that was strictly the plan. the plan was to give this watch back so i have no reason to return it to him and go home. i'm leaving chris with his situation and won't dare get any more involved than i am.
chris opened the door, but he looked so distressed. with a pinched face, he rubbed the nap off his neck with one hand and stuffed the other in his pocket.
"sorry," i quit studying his appearance and finally hand him the watch. "here you go." his face softened and he was hesitant to take it. "thanks i've been looking for this. wanna come in?" he asks.
"no no, i really shouldn't."
he chuckled but i mean it. if i did then i know what'll happen.
in all reality i wanted to say "i won't have anyone to be intimate with," or "maybe i overreacted," or "the sex was good". but those were the only reasons that i can think of, rather than the fact that he's possibly a cheater.
damnit, i'm so fucked up.
unexpectedly, i was brought out of my daydream from his hand planted on the side of my face and his lips close to mine. "a few minutes won't hurt?" his lips brushed on mine as he spoke.
would they?
i glanced at his lips before placing mine on his. the memory of his soft lips returned to my mind, and i was in pure bliss. his lips tasted of subtle whiskey, that i could get drunk off of all day.
chris pulled me into his condo by my waist and shut the door behind him. our fingers interlock as he guides me through his house and into his room, laying me on the bed and undressing me with kisses.
and now, i lie in his bed wrapped in his sheets.
my arm wraps around his neck while he speeds up the pace, smacking our hips together and resting his head on my neck. "oh my god," i shutter, closing my eyes.
i thought for a while "maybe this is wrong. maybe i shouldn't be doing this..."
but instead of being scared to text my sister back, who's been blowing up my phone asking if dad's telling the truth about me having a boyfriend, i'd rather lay here and get lost in lust this last time.
chris's head lifts from my neck and his hand slides up and around my neck and he starts slamming into me. it isn't until his hands clamp tighter and tighter around my neck that i feel more and more uncomfortable.
i open my eyes.
stop...stop.
i mumble "i'm uncomfortable" hoping he can hear me. instead, he mistook me for moaning and he ignores me, continuing to lean down, kissing my skin with his hand gripping tight.
"chris.."
"chris!" i say louder and in a serious tone.
"what?"
i snap, "you're gripping too hard! i don't like that shit..." pushing him away. he lifts his hand from my neck and i'm instantly relieved. "have you been drinking?" i catch my breath as he parts himself from me, sitting at the edge of the bed with the covers covering his as well.
"why does it matter?" he leans over to grab his boxers from the floor.
why's he getting an attitude?
"i was just asking because i could taste the-"
he stands up and walks out of the room, running his hands through his hair and shaking his head. confused, i follow him, fixing my underwear and letting my oversized shirt flow as i go after him.
"what's your problem?"
chris continues to ignore me.
he stands in his kitchen pouring a glass of whiskey that he was most likely drinking from before. it now makes sense why his lips tasted of whiskey.
"i didn't hate the choking...it was just too tight plus we've never done that before.." i stand at the edge of the kitchen, softening my eyes at him.
he quickly gulps the whiskey down and turns to finally face me. but he's agitated. "no, jenae. it isn't either of those." he shakes his head and snickers.
"then what is it?"
"nevermind." he shrugs his shoulders.
as if i didn't already get the message, i continue to question him. "so you're gonna stop midway during sex, take a shot of whiskey, and stomp off without saying anything?"
he proceeds with dismissing me. but it bothers me. maybe it was work drama...or maybe it was about his girlfriend. is this a sign?
"was it work?" i ask. then i begin to pry even more, "was it...a specific person?"
his eyes dart at me like i said the most absurd shit and he glares at me. "fuck jenae! just leave it!"
"if you really wanna know, it's you! you're in my fucking ear like a damn fly and your whining is pathetic!" he shouts.
"that's just the alcohol talking..." i mutter.
he sneers again, running his fingers through his hair. the corners of his lips slump, "no-no it's the truth."
"why would you invite me in?" i glare at him but he glimpses at me with such a boring look on his face. "geez, you gonna cry now?" he chances the subject by mocking my voice.
but i did feel so silly.
my voice is raspy and it makes me sound broken up and childish whenever i shout or argue. so of course, he didn't take my uneven voice seriously.
insulted, i don't answer him.
chris rubs his hand over his face, exhaling in a passive and calm tone. "leave. just leave right now and you don't have to hear from me again."
i wanted to ask why, and for what. but he was right. this had to stop a long time ago and i expected it. it was my fault for refusing to leave him alone. i could even taste the alcohol on his lips...i should've known better.
"ok."
i gather my things from around his room, looking for my sweat pants and other belongings. after collecting everything, i walked to the front door of his condo as he followed behind me.
before i disappear, i look over my shoulder and at him. i stare as he looks at me emotionless, with his hands in his pants pockets.
is this it?
i should've said something about the extra toothbrush to make him sting. but we've been doing this for months and now it's over. maybe this is better because he does have a girlfriend, jenae.
but then again,
i'll have no one again.