I remember the first night I slept in this room. I remember the quick tour Newt gave me as he set himself up for bed. I remember the feeling I got when I saw his half naked body standing a few feet away from me. It was like someone lit my face on fire while my heart floated on a cloud.
I wish that was the first feeling I acknowledged when I turned my head to Newt's sleeping figure. His bare back faced me as he slept across the room. His muscles flexing and relaxing with ever inhale and exhale.
I felt a pang in my chest at the memory of our fight. It happened hours ago, but it felt like I was still in a verbal battlefield. I knew that after the incident with Thomas and "Teresa", Newt needed an explanation. I just never expected it to go so poorly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Newt looked at me, hurt and anger dancing across his irises.
"What was I suppose to say, Newt? We both know that if Thomas or I told Alby or anyone about our recognition towards each other and the girl, that we'd be thrown in the shucking Slammer. Or worst; we'd be Banished." I hissed at him, standing my ground no matter how bad it hurt.
"I would never let that happen 'nd you bloody know that!" Newt hissed back, pointing a finger at me, accusingly.
"It was the day I arrived when I notice how everything looked a little familiar. What did you expect me t'do? Walk up t'someone I met an hour before 'nd tell 'em how I found the place they've lived for two shucking years familiar?" I shot back, trying to ignore the tug on my heart.
"I understand where you're comin' from. But you hid this from us - from me. For days. Weeks." Newt looked at me in disbelief.
"I had to! Half the Gladers already think of Thomas and I as undercover serial killers. How do y'think they will handle it if they found out Thomas, Teresa, and I share a freaking telepathic mind-link? Tell me they wouldn't want us dead." I said back, pointing my finger at him briefly.
"You lied to me after I told I would be there for you no matter what. Even after I told you how I felt, you still lied." Newt looked at to me with so much pain, I felt my heart shatter into hundreds of pieces while the thought of melting into oblivion flashed across my mind.
I blinked away the memory, feeling shame loom over me. Today has been a rough day and that fight was just the cherry on top of the ice cream. Sleep screamed to me but the shame of lying to Newt kept me awake. It was like my body was punishing itself for lying to him. Even when he's asleep I could feel the tension weighing on my chest.
A few more seconds of silence, the air became too thick to breathe. I pushed the sleeping bag cover off of me, quickly moving towards the door. I didn't bother with shoes; they were sitting by the window past Newt's sleeping bag. I didn't want to risk waking him up.
I walked cautiously out the door, thinking of where to go. I turned my head to look down the hall, thinking of waking up Minho. But that would mean explaining why I lied to Newt. That would lead to another fight with one of my closest friends. I began making my way down the steps to the bottom floor of Homestead, thinking of Chuck. I dismissed it easily, not wanting to scare the poor kid. I mean, he already has to deal with my bullshit.
I had not even the slightest clue where Thomas ran off to. I knew he couldn't have ran into the Maze; when we were released from the Slammer, the Doors were closed. As I walked through the many bodies sleeping on the ground outside Homestead, I kept an eye out for Thomas. But after two minutes of searching, I still remained clueless as to Thomas' whereabouts.
I breathed out slowly, letting my feet carry me to wherever they desired; which happened to be the tree I usually would try to take naps in. I looked up the tree, feeling the weight of today's events fall on me. First it was Alby's fit, then it was finding out Teresa's name by a telepathic mind-link that answered my suspicions, then lastly, exposing my lies to Newt.
I turned and placed my back against the trees, closing my eyes and letting out a pained sigh. I felt tears well up at the thought of Newt's hurt expression. I didn't want to hurt Newt, I just wanted to keep Thomas and I safe. Who knows what they would've done to us if we told them about the familiarity between Thomas, Teresa, and I. They either would've called us mad, or would've assumed we were apart of some conspiracy. I did what I had to.
I ran a hand through my greasy blonde hair, trying to swallow back the tears. I heard a metallic clicking sound come from above me, igniting the hatred against the Creators, once again. I cocked my head up, instantly spotting the two red, beady lights starting down at me. Disgust and hate filled my gaze as I glared up at the Beetle Blade. I stared into it's eyes, feeling the hate radiate off myself. My eyes narrowed as my nose twitched. I wanted the Creators to feel the pain they put all of us through. I wanted them to run through the Maze at night while bleeding out most of their body weight. I wanted their foot to be messed up by a griever so they couldn't be a Runner anymore. I wanted them to get Stung so they can grow slowly insane. I wanted them to go crazy because they were trapped in the same strange place without any memory of their family, friends, or their life.
I stepped away from the tree, keeping my eyes on the Beetle Blade. Silent angry sobs left my mouth as the entire Creators situation collapsed on me.
This was all their fault. Not mine.
No tears left my eyes as my chest heaved out another angry sob. The Beetle Blade just sat there watching and recording me as I snarled harshly at it. I could just imagine the Creators sitting behind their screen, writing down my reaction and how I'm handling my issues. It made me furious how they can all sit in their...whatever the shuck they observe us in, and watch as we bust our asses and played their silly shucking games, for what exactly? They've killed people. They've killed so many young men that could have had bright and healthy futures. They've almost killed me. They've almost killed Thomas, Minho, Alby...and Newt.
I lifted my hand up into the sky, raising a certain finger that would've offended many people within the premises. I stared at the contraption with my middle finger raised high until it scurried away minutes later.
Not even thirty seconds after the Beetle Blade disappeared, a twig snapped from behind me. I spun around, my hand itching to reach for my back where a quiver full of arrows would've sat. I had my two hands curled into fists, ready to fight whoever or whatever came from the darkness of the Deadheads. But as the figure emerged from the shadows, I felt my shoulders relax and my racing heart slow. He inspected my expression carefully as he strolled into the clearing. His hands laid casually at his sides, his fingers clenching and unclenching. There was a certain vibe to him that made all my worries melt away like ice in the sun. It was a comforting vibe even though his expression was blank.
"Shit, T, you scared the klunk out of me." I ran a hand over my face, not realizing I let Glader slang slip. I tried to chuckle but it sounded forced and broken. Thomas recognized that, too.
"What's wrong? Why're you out here?" Thomas asked, squinting his eyes curiously.
The fake smile slipped from my face quickly at the thought of why I was really out here. I swallowed nervously, feeling the guilt of my lies to Newt weigh on my shoulders. "After what happened in Homestead...Newt needed an explanation. I told him everything and he...uh...he d-didn't take it so well." I explained feeling my heart fall to my feet.
"So...he kicked you out of your guys' room?" Thomas asked with an angered expression.
"No! No. It was just...it-it-it was just hard to sleep in the same room knowing that the other person was angry at you." I rubbed my arms anxiously, still feeling guilt weigh on my heart.
I looked down at my feet, suddenly becoming more interested in the grass than this conversation. I let out a shaky breath of air, trying to get rid of the pain in my chest. It was a pain I couldn't understand. It was like having a knife shoved up your rib cage and into your heart in the most vigorous manner. It occurred in your mind, too. It was like my head was being slammed between the door and it's frame, continuously.
Yeah, it's not a good feeling.
I looked back up to Thomas realizing I've been staring at my feet for too long. Catching Thomas' eyes, he held a sympathetic gaze as he inspected my pained expression. I sent him a quick smile as a way to say "I'll be okay" but he obviously saw right through it.
Thomas sent me a knowing look before opening his arms. I stared into his eyes for a second, watching different emotions flash across his brown orbs. He knew me. He knew how horrible I felt. I took a step towards him, feeling as if my heart was weighing me down. But as I continued my trek towards Thomas, I felt all the guilt and all the pain finally crash down on me. A sob escaped my throat as I quickly stumbled forward into Thomas' chest. I tucked myself into his chest, keeping my hands underneath my chin.
I let out deep and shaky breaths of air, trying to contain the tears and the sloppy sobs that begged to escape. I felt Thomas' arms tighten around me, placing his head on top of mine while running a hand up and down my back comfortingly. He did his best to comfort me as he swayed us side-to-side, whispering comforting words into my hair.
"I'm gonna kick he's shucking British butt." Thomas growled angrily to no one in particular.
"No you won't. It will only make things worse, and that's the last thing we need. I started this. This was my fault. I'm the one that started the lies." I lifted my head quickly, panic lacing my voice. The last thing we needed was broken teethed boys and bloody noses.
"This isn't your fault, Ame. We lied to keep each other and the gir-Teresa...safe. Besides it wasn't like you were going to hold this a secret for the rest of your life. You were going to tell him when the time was right. If this was anyone's fault, it's the Creators. They sent as here. They made us different. You are only trying to live with their doings." Thomas looked me dead in the eye, pain and determination pouring from his presence.
"'We did this to them'." I quoted Teresa from earlier today. I didn't have a clue as to what she was talking about, but I think I understand now.
Thomas' eyes widened recalling the events from this evening. He licked his lips, looking at the ground as fear took over his being. He shook his head furiously before looking back at me, "Why would we send ourselves here with them?"
I gritted my teeth together, my eyes flashing down to my bare feet. "I don't know." I spoke truthfully, before looking back up at Thomas.
Thomas examined my face as I examined his. We didn't look like the evil kind. Hell, we don't even look like adults yet. Why would we send teenage boys up into a maze? It doesn't make any sense. Maybe it's the Creators trying to mess with us but I don't see a reason why they would want to. Then again, I don't see the reason why we were all sent here.
Thomas wrapped his arms around me once again, almost as a way of reassuring me that everything would be alright. I hugged the older boy back, needing a hug in this time of confusion and pain.
He kept me tucked under his arms as he began leading us further into the forest. My head rested on his shoulder as we ventured forward, the day's events still haunting my mind. I did my best to block out any thought of Newt, trying not to increase the heartache. If I continued thinking about my betrayal to Newt, I don't think I'll be able to hold back the tears.
I looked up from the forest floor, my eyes meeting a small clearing where the East Wall met the South Wall. The moon illuminated the silver walls, casting a silvery-white gleam onto the leaves and the grass. At the bottom of the two walls sat a bed of thick ivy and soft leaves. By the looks of the makeshift bed, Thomas must have already been asleep when he heard me stumble into the Deadheads.
Thomas helped me into the ivy bed even though I kept insisting that I could handle myself. I didn't want to be treated like fragile doll even though I currently felt like it. Once I was comfortably seated, Thomas came around to my left and plopped down next to me. Without my permission, Thomas wrapped his arm around my shoulders allowing my head to rest on his right shoulder.
"We have a big day tomorrow. You need to sleep. We'll figure this out tomorrow. And about Newt.... Newt will get over this. He wasn't in his right mind. He'll forgive you. Even though you were doing the right thing," Thomas whispered, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly, "Everything will be alright, Ame."
I bit my lip as my eyes wandered up to the stars. There was a tight feeling in my chest that told me something was going to change or something was going to happen. I didn't know whether to be excited or scared. But usually when things change here, bad things happen.
"Maybe." I whispered so quietly that I could barely even hear it myself. I closed my eyes and waited until I heard soft snores come from Thomas, signaling his unconsciousness.
I waited until then to let the quiet tears fall.