I had no unique memories of my childhood, from what I knew I had never been particularly happy or particularly sad. I grew up in a family like so many others, so quiet and free of quarrels that it seemed inhuman. I was educated by a mentor, a magus, and immediately one thing was clear to me: I was destined for nothing.
The memories of my childhood and my entire life up until the Holy Grail War were indifferent to me. Some gaps in my mind were filling up little by little and it bothered me because I would rather remember everything right away than wander in the dark. I had been chosen to be a Master, but I was neither ready nor strong enough to fight a war against other magi; yet I was there, against my will.
I was there with Lancer, my Servant, whose name was Enkidu.
Enkidu.
It was a really nice name. I didn't know anything about Enkidu, I didn't know their story or even the origin of their abilities. All I knew was that they were a Servant and that they had a duty to protect me, which I didn't like so much. I wasn't the fighting type, but I wasn't the kind of person who was willing to be protected like a child either. It was all in my head, of course, and Enkidu didn't see me as a baby, but I didn't understand what idea they had of me. Did they consider me a burden or a possible resource? I didn't dare ask for fear of the answer and so I closed that curiosity inside my heart.
Saber, aka Musashi Miyamoto, had proposed a challenge to Enkidu just three hours ago and in all that time we had dedicated ourselves to exploring the forest; I was looking for a place to sleep. I didn't ask Enkidu to take me out of nature, I could've done it, but I didn't because I knew what would be beyond the trees, rocks and wild beasts: something worse. Memory limped, but the image of Elysion managed to trudge through that darkness in my mind. Elysion the Invisible City: my cradle, my home, my hell.
"Are you all right, Master?" Enkidu asked.
"Yes, I was just thinking about a thing... nothing important, don't worry."
"I see. I would advise you to be careful, the sun is setting and walking in a forest at night could be risky."
"I know I know..."
"So where are you going to stop?"
"I don't know. I'm looking for... a place to spend the night. Do you know an appropriate location?"
They didn't answer.
"You know it, right?"
"Maybe... do you want me to take you there?"
I felt like an idiot for not having made that request before, I was so worried about the whole situation that I completely forgot about Enkidu's superhuman sense of direction.
"That's fine."
Enkidu took me in their arms. "Hold on tight, Master."
"Huh? Why—?"
They made a very high jump, so high that I could see the tips of the trees; I screamed like a child for the fear I felt and I clung to Enkidu, they held me tight with incredible strength.
Enkidu landed in front of a cave and said to me: "Here it's perfect."
"There aren't any ravenous wolves inside, are there?" I asked doubtfully.
"It is not my intention to disturb the inhabitants of this forest. The cave is deserted and safe for someone like you." They made me get down. "I bet you'll be hungry, Master."
"Not too much—"
"I'll bring you some fruit, you stay here and don't move."
They went away.
I wasn't hungry or thirsty, I didn't know why, but I knew it was weird. This was what my thoughts said. It was really hard to live with that feeling of alienation, but the last thing I wanted was to alarm Enkidu with these things that were probably nothing but minutiae.
I entered that cave with reticence; it was a dark and humid site, not exactly my ideal 'safe place'. I sat down on the ground and tried to illuminate the darkest corners of my memory, but without any success. I looked at the symbol on my hand: it resembled a kind of rose. My eyes passed over the sleeve of my black jacket and I noticed the clothes I was wearing. I realized I was wearing some clothes I didn't like: black jacket and pants, neutral tie and white shirt. I was as elegant as a corpse and for a moment I thought I was as adorned as the sacrificial victims of antiquity.
I took off my jacket and threw it to the ground. The same fate was reserved for that stupid tie. I unbuttoned the first three buttons of my shirt and raised the sleeves to the height of the forearm. It wasn't the perfect look, but it was better than being dressed for a funeral. It was then that I noticed some kind of code that had been written on my arm. It was written: '0SQR-no.23'. I didn't know what it meant or why it was there; that code didn't stimulate my memory in any way.
"I brought some food, Master." Enkidu arrived with a handful of berries.
"Are you sure there are no problems, right?" I asked skeptically.
"I would never risk poisoning you, Master."
I began to eat. I ate so as not to worry Enkidu, of course.
Enkidu sat down in front of me after lighting a fire. The night had risen and the only thing that kept us warm was that single bonfire. The lights of the flame illuminated Enkidu's blissful gaze, I was immediately captured; as soon as they turned, I looked the other way with an embarrassed manner. I knew it wasn't polite to stare at people, but it was hard to ignore such a creature. Their beauty became secondary to the subdued elegance worn by their movements, they were poetry in motion. When I looked at Enkidu, it seemed to me that I was in front of some kind of saint.
Enkidu began to look at the stars and then, taking a peek at their face, I noticed that a smile was forming on their lips; a nostalgic smile.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked cautiously.
"Mm? I'm... thinking about one person."
"Who?"
"My dearest friend." They took a short break. "Do you know my story, Master?"
I shook my head.
"I'm the creature who was meant to face the greatest king in history: Gilgamesh. My parents, Anu and Aruru, gave me the life so that I could compete with the arrogant and tyrannical King of Heroes."
"Where were you born?"
"I wasn't conceived, but created. I was created in the wild forests near the Uruk domain and grew up with the animals; I drank with herbivores and hunted with carnivores. Then, one day, things changed. It was a prostitute, the beautiful Shamhat, who introduced me to the civilization of humans and I fell in love with her indescribable beauty, so I decided to emulate her and took her appearance."
"You mean that..."
"I look like that prostitute, yes. With this aspect, I chose to present myself to the court of Gilgamesh and challenged him to a duel. Initially he didn't take me seriously, but then he confronted me and things changed."
"What happened next?" I was really interested in that story.
"After that three days and three nights battle, I realized that maybe it was wrong to kill Gilgamesh, maybe the best thing to do was to trust him and try to change him. I disobeyed the gods and sided with the King of Heroes and that was the beginning of our long friendship."
"You miss him?"
"When he's not here, I feel like I'm missing a part of my body."
Those words hit my heart and a part of me felt bad for having forced such a quiet creature to remember a friend they no longer had.
"Master, there's one thing I would like to ask you..." they began gently.
"What do you want to know?"
"You know my name and a good part of my story as well, but I don't know anything about you. I don't want to force you, but I'd like to get to know you better. "
"Well... someone with amnesia can only tell lame stories." I sighed. "I can tell you I was born in the Invisible City, Elysion."
"A really... interesting name for a city."
"Nobody knows of its existence and all those who are born there, die there. I think it has another name, but now it doesn't come to mind..." I thought about it for a while. "No, wait, maybe it was called 'City of Sixty-Four Towers' or something like that."
"A big city, I guess."
"Not that big, it's all very... er... tight? Not a place for claustrophobics, that's what I mean. I don't remember anything else, I'm sorry..."
"And your family?"
"I grew up in a normal family, I think. I had a childhood without any particular joys or sufferings." I felt pathetic as I said that, but it was the truth. "I had no friends, in Elysion friendship is replaced by the study of magecraft. I was educated by a mentor and then, when I reached eighteen years of age, I was accepted into the Order of the Chessboard... Or simply 'the Chessboard'."
"Interesting name. Tell me, do you have any hobbies?"
"Hobbies? Um... well, the only hobbies possible in Elysion are related to books and, sometimes, I used to read fairy tales. Better than reading philosophy or magic books, right?"
"I think you're right," they replied with a smile. "What's your name?"
"Oh... er... mm..."
I had no idea. I couldn't remember my name and it was embarrassing. I tried, with all my energy, to illuminate the darkness that covered my memory; I wasn't successful.
"Master...?"
"I... um... I don't remember my name. I can't remember my name. It's pathetic, isn't it? How can a person forget their own name?"
"What about that tattoo on your arm?" they asked pointing to the code that was written on my skin. "What's that?"
"I... don't know."
Enkidu read the code and then, looking at me kindly, they said:
"An."
"What?"
"An. Do you like the name? If you don't have a name, you can call yourself 'An'."
"An... it's a nice name, like yours."
"I thank you."
"What was it like living in Uruk? Was it a beautiful city?"
"It was large, spacious, and full of happy people. A human might even venture to call it 'paradise'."
"You miss it?"
"Only when I think about it, but I don't mourn its passing. Things must die for others to take their place."
"But sometimes it's better to preserve what's there and postpone the end, don't you think?"
"Sometimes, yes, but not always."
I was enjoying talking to Enkidu, they were a very polite and calm Servant, but unfortunately my eyelids were getting heavier and heavier and I felt the need to sleep.
"Don't worry, An, you can sleep if you want," they told me fondly.
I took the jacket I had thrown and used it to rest my head. I lay down on the ground, thinking back to the beautiful name Enkidu had given me. 'An' had its own musicality, any name I had would've been worse than the beautiful name with which Enkidu had baptized me. The thing that bothered me, though, was that I could remember ridiculous details about my childhood and not something as trivial as my own name; was it really such a bad name? Was it really such a horrible name that my own mind refused to remember it? Or had I never had a name? Maybe my name was that code on my arm? But what was I then?
Navigating in that darkness that was in my mind was like running with eyes closed. It was really annoying and tiring to have a few fragments of memory here and there. There was nothing solid, nothing certain, and there was nothing I could do.
In the midst of that current of thoughts, my eyes rested on the movements of Enkidu's feet. I looked up and saw that the Servant was looking towards the forest. I put my attention again on the way they moved their feet; it was like a game and I didn't understand if Enkidu was doing it on purpose or if they didn't realize it. The left foot went on the right, then the right went on the left, the two feet rubbed three times and the toes tapped the ground. These movements were repeated and were almost hypnotic.
I remembered something. As a child I used to move my hands in a particular way when I was stressed. I don't remember the exact movements, but it was something that stood out and my father sometimes scolded me.
I turned away, I needed to rest and I couldn'tafford to lose sleep to focus my attention on certain nonsense.