On the drive home, Jaiden was quiet, and he remained silent when they parked and entered the house. Jaiden went to the kitchen, grabbed the first bottle he could find, and poured a generous glass of Una Vida Tequila. He immediately hated the name as if it was taunting him. He drank it in one go and roughly set down the empty glass. He sighed deeply and took off to the bedroom without a word to Toni.
Toni stayed in the kitchen for a moment before he poured himself a glass and drank it similarly to Jaiden before putting the bottle away.
When he entered the bedroom, he took off his gun and holster and placed them next to Jaiden's. But Jaiden didn't seem to notice him. He was staring at the bed with a forlorn look as if he was preparing for his last night there.
Toni clenched his jaw and approached Jaiden, grabbing his arm and shaking him out of his deep thoughts.
"Mi sol. What's going on?" Toni asked. He would never pry too much about his past, understanding that there was pain and trauma, but this was different. This had something to do with what happened at the precinct, and he was sure it related to his asshole ex. He didn't want Jaiden to shut down on him and would instead push for dialogue.
Jaiden let out a breath, obviously not on the same page. "Nothing. I'm tired."
"Jaiden." Toni's voice was stern, and the fact that he called Jaiden by his name and not mi sol shook Jaiden.
"It's nothing." Jaiden replied in a small voice.
Toni let out an exasperated sigh. He held on tight to Jaiden's arm and pushed his back against the wall. He pinned Jaiden's hand above him while his other hand rested beside Jaiden's head, trapping him.
Toni leaned his head close to Jaiden's. "Stop lying." He said quietly, his lips brushing against Jaiden's cheeks, the tequila still heavy on his breath.
"Toni, let me go."
Toni stepped closer to him until his thigh parted Jaiden's legs. Jaiden tensed against him.
"I'm not letting you go." He said in his ear. "Tell me what's wrong."
His lips brushed along his earlobe until he caught it with his teeth and bit down gently. Jaiden hissed a little and his back arched.
Toni let his lips trail down Jaiden's neck slowly. He shifted between kissing and licking, enjoying Jaiden's body writhing against him.
"Toni..." Jaiden breathed out.
"Talk to me, Jaiden." Toni's hand ran down Jaiden's side until he reached the hem of his shirt.
He lifted Jaiden's shirt slightly, and his fingers brushed against the bare skin, enjoying the hard lines and muscles. His hand traveled back up, and his fingers circled Jaiden's nipple. When his fingers finally captured the bud, he pinched it, making Jaiden cry out and push his hips into Toni.
"Por favor mi sol." Toni pleaded again between kisses.
Jaiden's breath was shuddering. He tried to wrap his free hand around Toni's waist, but Toni quickly brought his hand away from Jaiden's nipple and grabbed his wrist. He slammed it up against the wall, now pinning both of Jaiden's hands over his head and immobilizing him.
Toni was pleading one moment and dominating the next, making Jaiden ache for him.
"No. You can't touch me until you talk to me." Toni said sternly. His eyes were unwavering and dark. He wanted Jaiden as much as Jaiden wanted him, but he refrained. He pushed his knee higher up, creating friction against Jaiden's noticeable arousal. Jaiden cried out and pressed the back of his head against the wall.
"Toni... please..." He pleaded.
Toni's lips found his throat again and left a trail of wet kisses. "I do love hearing you beg."
"Toni."
However, Toni didn't give him what he wanted. "You're pushing me away, mi sol, and putting up your walls."
His kisses reached the base of his neck. Toni opened his mouth and bit the exposed skin. He was rewarded with a strangled moan from Jaiden.
A small laugh escaped him, his lips vibrating on Jaiden's sensitive skin. "I won't allow you to close yourself off."
Jaiden shuddered under his hold. "Toni... I can't think straight..." his words were heavy with desire.
Toni's head dipped down and kissed Jaiden's collarbone and heaving chest. "Figure it out because I need you to tell me what's wrong."
Jaiden's eyes were closed as he savored the feeling. "Fuck me first..."
Toni shook his head subtly. "No, mi sol. You will talk to me. And if you don't tell me, I will have to guess proactively."
Jaiden hated how his confidence fluctuated like he was connected to a goddamn bungee cord. He was vocal when he was confronting Xavier or telling off Billy. But now, he was struggling with his words, too scared to speak up.
When Jaiden didn't say anything, Toni nestled his lips on Jaiden's neck again and decided to prod a little. "Was it how Xavier—"
Jaiden stiffened, and Toni swore he heard a growl rumbling in his chest.
"Don't say his fucking name." He said darkly.
Toni was startled by the reaction. "So you're mad about Xavier?"
Jaiden glared at Toni and twisted his arms, breaking from Toni's grasp. He used his weight and the element of surprise to pivot and turn, forcing Toni to exchange positions with him. Now Toni's back was pressed against the wall, but he didn't look perturbed.
"That bastard can go fuck himself for all I care." Jaiden said harshly, letting his anger slip through.
Toni smiled softly. "I'm sorry for what he said about Carlos. He had no right to do that."
Jaiden's jaw twitched. "It's not your fault that he's a piece of shit. You handled it anyway..." He took a deep breath. "But as appreciative as I am, I would much rather you didn't mention your exes while kissing me.
Toni chuckled. "You're jealous?"
This only drew out a disdainful scoff from Jaiden.
Toni's lips brushed against Jaiden's neck like velvet. "So it's not jealousy that's eating away at you."
Jaiden felt Toni sigh into the crook of his neck, where he rested his forehead. "I know it will take time to tell me about the hidden pieces of your past. I won't push you, but I hope you will let me have your todays and tomorrows. That includes what you're feeling right now... so please talk to me."
Jaiden's mind was reeling, trying to figure out how to explain what he was feeling. He felt the pain of knowing that there was a possibility that this could end.
Why didn't he realize that Denver was such a great career opportunity? Was he too passive and never thought that Toni was serious about Colorado, so he ignored it? Did he treat it too lightly and give feeble excuses? Toni always joked that he had reasons to stay in New Mexico, but why was the offer still open? Why did Xavier come and bring it up today?
He heaved out a shaky breath out. Could he interfere with Toni's future in Denver? Could he somehow provide a better one here?
But then he remembered Valeria's words when he first told her about Toni. The fear of the pain is worse than the pain itself... He never wanted to break his own heart, but there must still be a chance as long as he tried. And if he was shattered in the process, then so be it.
Was Toni worth the chance? The answer is an irrevocable yes.
Jaiden bit his lip, wavering from Toni's tender words. His grip on Toni weakened, allowing Toni to escape his grasp. He gently placed his hands on Jaiden's hips and walked him back until his legs hit the bed. Toni pushed him down, forcing him to fall against the quilt. He admired Jaiden for a moment before he climbed on the bed and straddled his waist.
Toni watched him with a thoughtful look, examining the storm of emotions. Toni's brow creased a little as he was trying to piece everything together.
Jaiden took a deep breath as he stared into the brown eyes that had captivated him months ago. "I wasn't prepared."
Toni relaxed a little, happy that Jaiden was finally speaking up. He bent down and kissed his jaw, enjoying the light stubble on his lips. "For?"
"A bit unprepared for Xavier... his comments and his confidence..." It was too much for words, in Jaiden's opinion. He wasn't prepared for many things—Xavier, Toni, confronting his feelings. He knew he was fumbling with his words and his wits.
Toni nodded, thinking about some of the things Xavier said. "Are you worried about what he said about my type of partner? I had a type before. I don't know if you noticed, but I like being in control. For work and sex, most of my partners were more on the submissive side."
Jaiden's jaw clenched a little, remembering the statement. "That's not who I am."
Toni laughed. "No. It's not."
Kiss.
"You're fucking hard-headed and stubborn."
Kiss.
"Assertive as all hell."
Kiss.
"And as controlling as me."
He pulled up a little and gazed at Jaiden with such gentle affection that Jaiden didn't realize he was holding his breath.
"And somehow, you compliment me so damn well that it doesn't make sense. Hell, it doesn't have to make sense, but we work." Toni said and ran his fingers along Jaiden's jaw. "I don't want submissive or compliant... I don't want anyone else."
Jaiden let out a long breath, but it was uneven.
Toni kept caressing his jaw and cheek. "But I don't think that's what you were referring to. So, what's going on inside that handsome head of yours."
He paused for a moment. "I'm unprepared and frightened as all hell." The words the fell from his lips were soft and demure.
Toni didn't laugh and only gave him a warm look. "You're the toughest man I have ever met."
"Bullshit. I have cried with you more times than I care to admit." Jaiden rolled his eyes.
"You chose to be vulnerable with me, and that's pretty damn strong." He pressed his lips against Jaiden's temple. "What can possibly scare you?"
Jaiden couldn't maintain eye contact. "You." He said meekly.
Toni was jolted by that statement and moved off Jaiden. He looked at Jaiden with worry and uncertainty.
"Mi sol?" Toni didn't know what to ask. He could only call out to Jaiden in hope for clarity. Still, he felt deep trepidation for the following words Jaiden would say.
Jaiden stared at the ceiling, aware of how cold he suddenly felt without Toni on top of him. "That bastard came in today and expected you to give up everything for him. He anticipated that you would drop me as your partner and leave to Colorado... with him. He was confident because you never gave an answer to Denver's offer... So, I'm scared that I am just wasting my time building something with you that will never last."
Toni's eyes softened and ran his hand across Jaiden's chest and rested it over his pounding heart. "Colorado?"
A frown tugged at Jaiden's lips. "Si, Colorado... We have joked about it, finding reasons for you to stay here. Small remarks and excuses, but the offer is still there. The calls still come through. Hell, it's obvious that Xavier came through tonight to sway you to go back with him. And if what I heard was correct, it's one hell of an opportunity that you deserve. So, I've been asking myself the same question I asked months ago... is a one-night stand truly worthy of being on the list of reasons why you should stay in New Mexico?"
His words echoed their first morning together. Toni's eyes widened while his heart was pounding in his chest. Was Jaiden running again?
As if Jaiden could feel Toni's growing anxiety, he sat up so he was face to face with Toni. Somehow, this seemed to soothe Toni a little, as if indicating that he would not leave.
Jaiden gave him an exhausted smile. "I thought about walking away tonight, and rebuilding my old rules in order to create a safe distance. That way, I could protect myself from hurting too much when you leave... That would be the smart thing to do for someone who is as cowardly as me."
"Jaiden, you're not—"
Jaiden placed a shaking hand over Toni's mouth to stop him from talking. "Mierda, I am a coward. I have created so many scenarios in my head about how you will leave me, but I have never asked you once to stay."
Toni sat completely still, trying to digest the words. Jaiden moved his hand from his mouth and wrapped his arms around Toni's neck.
"If this was several months ago, I would be packing your bags for you because you should never say no to a career opportunity. But now... now I want to risk sounding selfish. I don't want to be that one-night stand anymore. I don't want to run away from us and live in a life that doesn't have you in it... because there is no after you... You're it for me... and I need you. I need you more than I need my next breath of air. So please... don't leave."
The air was gone from Toni's lungs and was wide eyed.
"Mi sol..." His words seemed to be nonexistent again.
Jaiden leaned forward and lightly kissed Toni's slightly parted lips. "Te amé sin que yo lo supiera."**
I loved you without knowing I did.
Toni was stunned. "You love me?" He whispered. If Jaiden wasn't as close as he was, he would have missed what he said.
Jaiden smiled with glassy eyes. "I fucking love you, Toni."
It was a dream, it had to be, because Toni had heard these words countless times while he was asleep. But Jaiden was here holding him, and this overwhelming happiness was true.
"Te amo." Toni breathed out.
*****
A/N
*"Te amé sin que yo lo supiera" means "I loved you without knowing I did". This line is from one of my favorite poems, Soneto XXII by Pablo Neruda.
I really wanted to get this chapter out sooner because I was a little too excited for it. But I went through so many edits until I was happy with it. I hope the wait was worth it! Thank you everyone for staying with and supporting this novel!