Somewhere in the United States, years ago
The pile of textbooks in my arms teetered slightly as I tried to gain my balance. I slammed my locker shut with my hip, holding onto the textbooks tightly. I already had four thick hardcover ones in my backpack, leaving little room for my lunch. But I had the heaviest three here in my arms, my skinny frame barely being able to carry them all. The bell rang, and fellow teenagers front and centre scattered off to their classes. I did the same, rounding a corner only to run into someone. I collided with his firm chest, my frail body left falling to the lithium floor.
"Oh!" I squeaked as my textbooks fell from my grasp.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you alright?" I heard the teen I ran into ask.
I looked up shyly to be met with a handsome boy of colour. I blushed, quickly scrambling to my feet. The boy helped me in any way he could. He brushed off my shoulders and looked me over for injuries. I straightened myself up and flattened out the long dress I was wearing.
"I'm fine, thank you. I'm sorry. I wasn't being very careful." I laughed nervously.
The fellow teen flashed me a paper white grin. "It's fine." He then noticed my textbooks on the floor. "Oh! Here, let me help." He sprung into action.
The boy kneeled down and gathered the thick books in his arms with ease.
"Oh, thank you. You didn't need to do that." I said.
"Nonsense, here you go." He smiled again, handing me the books.
I cradled them to my chest bashfully.
"Thanks again." I repeated.
"It's not a problem. I'm Herman, by the way. Herman Carter." Herman stuck his hand out for me to shake.
I shook his hand and told him my own name.
"Nice meeting you." I said sheepishly.
"Likewise." Herman grinned almost like a madman.
He took in my features, glancing at every faded cut and scar I had on my slim face. His pretty blue eyes then trailed down to my neck, where a bandage was wrapped snug around it.
"What happened to your neck?" Herman asked.
I could tell he wanted to know about my other scars too. I had even more, but they were hidden by my dress. I instinctively touched my neck, stroking bruised flesh through the bandage.
"Oh, just an accident." I answered quickly. "Anyway, better go. See you later." I smiled and scurried off down the hall, disappearing into the sea of teenagers.
Class was very boring. I had slammed my textbooks onto the desk and slumped down in my chair tiredly. I rested my head in my hand as the teacher rambled on about something I was simply incapable of listening to. My mind drifted back to that Herman boy I bumped into in the halls. I thought of his dark hair, his daring smile and the cute turtleneck sweater he was wearing. I traced my neck again, wincing slightly at the big bruise adorned upon it. The truth was, it wasn't just an accident. I seemed to be stuck in a curse. Some sort of lively limbo. What was it, you asked?
No matter how many times I tried, I just couldn't die.
Every single day of my young life, I tried and tried to commit suicide. Injections? I'd blackout but then wake up and be fine. Slitting my wrists? All it ever did was leave big ugly scars (hence why I always wore long sleeves). Jumping off buildings? Nothing but a broken leg or arm. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just fucking die? My latest attempt was yesterday. There I stood on a chair in the middle of my bedroom. I tied a noose around the ceiling fan, and then wrapped it tightly around my skinny neck. I kicked the chair, and there I hanged.
Moments turned to seconds then seconds turned to minutes. The thick rope was itchy against my skin, beginning to cut into it with the wiry thread. I had bowed my head and closed my eyes for so long that I ended up falling asleep.
But I didn't die.
I drummed my fingers along the desk as I pondered the memory angrily.
Why? Why? Why?
It was no use! It just wasn't working. That was okay. I would just try again today.
I sat alone at lunch today. I played with the food with my fork in boredom, swirling it around the lunch tray. I scanned the cafeteria with my glazed over eyes. Cheerful chatter of teenagers of all grades sounded throughout the building. My eyes stopped and focused when I spotted the boy from earlier. Herman. There he sat with his friends, talking amongst themselves as they enjoyed their lunch. My scarred lips quirked up slightly in a smirk at the handsome boy. His eyes soon met mine from across the cafeteria. I was quick to look away bashfully. I stuffed a morsel of food into my mouth, glancing up for a moment to see Herman smiling at me.
I set my fork down on the lunch tray and slowly smiled back at the teen. I froze in place when he stood up from his table with his tray in hand, making his way over to me. I popped more food into my mouth as I waited anxiously for his arrival. Herman seemed to walk in slow motion as he made his was across the cafeteria to my table.
"Hi, Herman." I uttered.
"Hello," he then said my own name. "Mind if I sit?" He asked.
I nodded my head rapidly. "Uh, yeah, sure! Take a seat." I almost choked on my fork.
"Thank you." Herman said tenderly.
His lunch tray clattered to the table as he plopped down next to me. We stared at each other for a while, trying to figure each other out.
"I thought about you a lot these past couple periods." Herman broke the silence.
I blushed and held back the word 'ditto'.
"Oh?" I stuttered. "And why is that?" I asked with a nervous laugh.
"I couldn't help but take in your beauty." He replied.
My mouth hung open and my eyes wouldn't look away.
"I—really? Thank—thank you." I sputtered like an idiot.
Herman let out a deep chuckle.
"You're welcome. I was also thinking about your scars. You have so many. What is the story behind them all?" He asked in wonder.
"I..." I trailed. "I'm just really clumsy. That's all." I lied.
Herman gave me a quizzical look.
"I don't believe that." He stated matter-of-factly.
"I—it's true! Didn't I just run into you this morning?" I joked.
A thin smile met the boy's face, and his eyes narrowed.
"Hmm." He hummed.
"There's no exciting story about me. I'm bland, trust me. There's nothing to tell." I urged, popping more of my lunch into my mouth.
I missed the bus this afternoon. I rested my head in my hands as I slumped down at the bus stop. I huffed out a sigh, watching as cars zoomed down the street. It was well past four o'clock. The school zone didn't affect the drivers anymore and they were now free to go back to speeding, instead of being stuck behind buses going just forty miles. I turned my head to look back at the high school. Not a student in sight. I stood from the bus stop and walked towards the school, leaving my backpack behind.
I didn't need it where I was going.
My shoes fell silent up the concrete stairs and through the quiet hallways. I then made my way up the staircase in the school, then the other, and then the other. I found myself on the roof of the tall high school. I walked fearlessly towards the edge of the roof. I was mere inches from my death. I had jumped off buildings before but never this tall. Surely this was it.
I turned around on the spot, closing my eyes and lifting my skinny arms out wide. I sighed again while I braced myself for impact. I opened my eyes one last time, only to be met with dark brown ones. I gasped, there stood Herman.
"Herman?" I breathed.
He then said my own name.
"What are you doing?" He yelled, taking a step forward.
I held my hand out, signalling him to stop.
"No, Herman. I have to do this." I uttered.
"No, you don't." He argued calmly.
"This is how it's always been meant to be. Just leave me." I urged.
"No." Herman snapped.
Herman started towards me. I panicked, and twisted around to leap off the roof. I screamed when I felt a hand grip my scarred wrist tightly. There I dangled from the school, Herman holding on tight at the edge so I wouldn't fall.
"Let me go, Herman. Please." I pleaded.
"No, I'm not letting you go." He growled.
I looked up at him helplessly, my dress flowing in the wind. Without another word, Herman lifted my weight up effortlessly. He dragged me away from the edge and then tugged on my wrist.
"Herman!" I snapped.
"No!" He barked back, dragging me downstairs.
"How'd you even find me?" I exclaimed.
"I was in the library studying when I saw you going up the stairs. How could you even think of doing that to yourself? Is that where your scars are from?" He asked.
This is when I started tearing up.
"I'm sorry." My voice cracked.
Herman stopped walking and looked me in the eyes. I felt his hand rise up and stroke some hair behind my ear. A tear trickled down my face, getting caught on his hand.
"Don't be." The boy whispered.
A few days had passed. That was the last time I tried to take my own life, which was a new record for me. The school headmaster was aware of the issue. I would always be in the nurse's office or with the school counsellor. They noticed that I began to talk to Herman instead of being by myself. So the headmaster made the executive decision of having him watch over me.
Herman was a very smart young man. He would often tutor me in the school library after hours (usually when I missed the bus). I tried to fight it but I was undeniably falling for him. And the way he treated me, something told me he felt the same way. But a nasty voice at the back of my head told me he was just pitying me for trying to kill myself.
As we got more and more comfortable with each other, I began to tell him about my self harm scars. His eyes widened in a weird fascination as I rolled my sleeves up to show him my bandaged cuts. I'd then lift up my dress and show him the scars that adorned my small thighs.
When Herman smiled at me, I finally felt happy. I didn't feel the insatiable urge to hurt myself. I just felt... love.
And then he kissed me.
We were sitting in the library, buried under all our textbooks. I was telling him some dumb story, smiling almost to myself. I didn't notice Herman's loving gaze fixated on me. All I knew was that he was closing in and pressing his full lips on mine.
Like I said before, Herman was a smart man. So smart, that he graduated early. He even got into Yale. Yale! It was very impressive and I was very happy for him. It was just... he was moving.
I remembered crying at the airport, gripping onto him for dear life (ironic). Herman cried too, hugging and kissing me for the last time in a while.
"I love you." Herman expressed.
"I love you too." I sobbed.
Herman and I would call every night on the phone. I wasn't coping with school anymore, and I knew that he was just excelling in Yale. It was until one day, it all stopped. I would call Herman up on the phone, and no answer. Over and over and over I would call him at a time. When I looked into it, I found out that he was missing.
Just gone.
Nobody knew what happened to him. All that was left of him was the tortured bodies of his fellow students.
I raced up the stairs of an abandoned building I found deep within the woods. Little sobs racked my frail body as I went higher and higher up the stairs. I finally reached the top, the wind swirling loudly against me. I shakily approached the edge of the roof. I felt slight dread for once. I hadn't tried this in so long. I was getting better. My scars were fading.
But that didn't matter now.
With little to no hesitation, I threw myself off the building like I had done so many times. I closed my eyes and simply basked in the feeling of my body falling through the air. I hit the ground below with a loud thud.
I then opened my eyes.
"No!" I cried, slamming my fist into the forest floor.
Why? Why? WHY?
I was still here! The wind began to swirl into something much darker. Thick fog wafted through and sent a chill up my spine. I coughed through the mist, icy breath flowing out from my lips. I watched in wonder as it seemed to take me.
Did it work? Am I actually dead?
Léry's Memorial Institute, the Entity's realm
I found myself in what looked like an abandoned hospital. I whipped my head around wildly.
How did I end up here?
I carefully rose to my feet, brushing off my dress. I rubbed my bandaged arm nervously, looking about the dastardly looking place. Suddenly a young woman with a black bob emerged from the dark fog. Before I could even say anything, she grabbed my wrist roughly and dragged me along with her. She broke off into a full run which I could barely keep up with.
"Who are you? Where are we? What's going on?" I questioned frantically.
"I'm Feng Min. We're in Léry's Memorial Institute. There's a killer after us." She said through huffs.
"A killer?" I gulped.
I thought for sure that I was dead. This was just some sort of limbo my brain created as I bled out. But after following this girl around for a while, I started to think otherwise. This all felt too real. But that was impossible! How could I just suddenly appear in some old hospital?
How could I survive so many suicide attempts...?
Nothing ever made sense anymore.
In the near distance I heard a man scream, followed by another's high pitched laughter. Feng made a run for it, this time not bringing me along with her. I instead started for the source of the noises. I trudged through the dark hospital importantly. I froze in place when I was met with the sight of a grotesque looking man shoving another on a rusty meat hook. The man wailed in agony, desperately clutching at the hook. I didn't move as his attacker turned around and met my gaze.
A tall man of colour wearing a sleeveless doctor's coat. Electric wiring threaded in and out of his muscular arms while his eyes and mouth had been forcefully pried open. Instead of running away screaming, I fell to my knees. I bowed my head in shame and simply waited for him to kill me. The man wielded a spiked stick that was just buzzing with electricity. I closed my eyes and awaited the painful voltage. Alas, it never came.
The man on the hook was silent now, seemingly dead. But I didn't dare look up so I didn't know for sure. My eyes cracked open slightly and peered at the ground when the silence became overwhelming. Two large dress shoes stopped in front of me. I shakily lifted my head, only to be met with the killer's glowing eyes. I gulped and began to physically tremble under his fierce gaze. It was only then that I noticed that the man on the hook had vanished.
The killer kneeled before me, peering down at my small form. He reached out to tuck a strand of hair away from my face. I flinched, expecting to be shocked but that wasn't the case. I stared on confusingly at the terrifying man that knelt before me.
"Aren't you gonna kill me?" I finally spoke.
My stomach sank when he said my name.
"I love you." The killer uttered in a familiar voice.
Tears silently fell down my cheeks as I choked on my words. I knew that voice.
"Herman...?" I stuttered.
The killer nodded. "Yes." He breathed.
I was sobbing now, snaking my arms around him.
"Herman! Herman, you're alive!" I wailed.
Herman laughed in that high pitched tone as he hugged my waist happily.
"I am so happy that you are alive." He said through his own tears.
Never again did I try to take my own life.