COLLINS TASTED LIKE sweet sunshine—hot and delicious. Sticky and slick like a summer day. A fucking treat.
I wanted to bask in the glow of this girl, and I didn't care if it burned me, didn't care if the sun eventually had to set, didn't care about anything but revisiting her sweetness. But this time, you know, with my dick.
She was a mess, though, and as hot as it was to see, I promised I'd clean her up. Standing, I walked from the bed to the bathroom and flicked on the light. And then the shower.
"Beau?" Collins called after me, her voice muffled beneath the smattering of water on tiles.
I smiled, feeling oddly satisfied that she seemed to immediately miss me. There was a hint of it in her voice, unmistakable.
"I was coming back for you," I said, a grin still plastered on my face as I rounded the corner into the bedroom again. "Don't worry."
Bending over the bed, I scooped her into my arms, enjoying the way she gasped in surprise.
"What are you doing?" she asked as I carried her back toward the bathroom. Steam was already slipping through the crack in the doorway.
"I'm cleaning up my mess," I said, a deep chuckle slipping out. "You know, before we make a new one."
—
I stared at the bathroom door in the reflection of the mirror. The closed bathroom door. I told her to leave, but it wasn't like she could have gone far. For crying out loud, she lived here, too. Her muted footsteps echoed in the hallway, and it felt like she was stomping on my heart.
It was ridiculous how pissed I was considering how I did the same thing to her in the hot tub. I'd put a stop to it when I wasn't sure if we both wanted the same thing, and now she just did the same. But never had something done out of respect hurt this bad.
I shouldn't be this pissed, but I was. And I supposed it wasn't necessarily directed at Collins. I was fucking mad at myself for thinking that this last week had meant something. That those kisses had meant something. That we meant something.
But she still wanted to pretend we didn't. Fine. Okay. But then baby girl needed to give me some space because every time we inched closer, I found it harder to stop when it came time to pump the brakes.
With a massive sigh, I walked to the shower and turned it on. This was possibly the worst place to be at the moment. Every time I took a shower, it was a goddamn struggle not to think of how her skin had felt against mine beneath the pelting water, and right now, after having her beneath my fingertips minutes ago, I was all but dying.
Washing away all the places that Collins had touched me felt wrong, but I needed the water to beat some sense into me. Letting it pour over me, I rested my head against the shower wall, swearing under my breath. My eyes lowered to my persistent erection as my body screamed at me, wanting to know why the hell I wasn't doing something.
It would be so easy to lose myself in thoughts of Collins, of what I would have done if she hadn't stopped me, which was to have her watch as I made her come, made her scream. I would have thrust my fingers inside that slick pussy and asked if she really fucking thought my fine motor skills were just fine.
But using those thoughts to get off...my stomach soured at the idea. I'd rather let myself suffer. My dick could fall off for all I cared. Then maybe I'd be able to think with some common sense for once.
I'd entered a new, unthinkable circle of hell. And at this point, I didn't think I'd be able to crawl back out. I was in too deep.
After wrapping a towel tightly around my waist, I slicked back my wet hair so it wouldn't be hanging in my face and strode into the hallway. And because someone in the underworld or high up in the sky hated me, Collins was there—a foot away from walking back into her bedroom. Her curly hair sat in a pile on top of her head, and she hadn't put her pants back on yet. Her white t-shirt barely covered her hips.
Come on, big guy upstairs. Why you gotta keep doing shit like this to me?
When she saw me, she froze.
How on earth were we going to survive living together? I couldn't do this. Not when she looked at me like that, all wide-eyed and aroused. Her gaze scraped over me like it was actually her fingertips, clawing at my chest, at my heart. All the way down until eventually, her eyes fell on my erection. Which was still there. Still massive. Still wanting her.
When her eyes made it back up to my face, and I saw the yearning there, I lost it.
"You know what I hate?" I snapped, closing the distance between us in quick strides, not even caring that I was leaving a trail of water in the hallway.
Collins took a step back, running into the wall. I noticed that the streaks of clay were gone, and her hands were cleaned. And it fucking annoyed me that I hadn't been the one to take care of that for her.
"What?" she breathed.
"I'm not an angry dude, Collins," I said, even though the tone of my voice said otherwise. I walked right up to her until we were close enough that I could see the rawness in her eyes. "I learned that if it's something that I can't change, I need to let it go. And if it was something that could be changed, I need to do something about it. I'm not naïve enough to think the world is always a happy place, but I've found a happy place in the world, and I made the decision a long time ago to do what I can to stay there."
Collins' throat worked as she swallowed.
"I hate feeling angry," I said, lowering my voice to a dangerous pitch. "But I'm downright pissed right now. And you wanna know why that is?"
I saw the slight hitch, the little intake of breath she did. "Why?"
My wet hair fell in front of my eyes, and I pushed it back out of my face. "Because I can't stop trying to do something about our relationship even though I can't seem to change it. I can't change it." I closed my eyes briefly. "You make all my rules go out the goddamn window."
Sure, we'd grown closer. But she still wasn't letting me in. She still refused to involve me in her life the way I wanted to be.
Slapping my hand against the wall behind her, I leaned in. Collins arched up, keeping her gaze on me even as I pressed in closer.
"I'll give up trying if you really want me to, but then you can't—" I cut off with a ragged breath as desire and irritation built up a growl in my throat. I rested my other hand on the wall to the side of Collins' shocked face and then continued through gritted teeth. "But then you can't fucking do that."
Collins started to reach out toward me but then gave up, dropping her hand. And it was beyond reason the frustration that caused me. What I wouldn't give for her to stop holding back.
"Do what?"
"You can't look at me like that. I can't breathe when you do that, Collins."
Her voice was very small when she asked, "Look at you like what?"
Oh, she knew what. She knew. But if Collins needed to hear how much I wanted her and how much I knew she wanted me, then I'd tell her.
"Like you want me to fuck you. Because Jesus Christ, Collins, I want to fuck you. Let's be very clear about that. About what I want. About what's on my goddamn page so we can get on the same one."
I could practically see the rapid pulse in Collins' throat. In her chest. It was in her breathing, in her stare, in the darkening of her eyes.
"You wanna know why you don't have a nickname?" I asked, moving in to flatten Collins against the wall. Her hand landed on my bare chest, and while I should like that, it was almost like she thought about pushing me away. And that didn't work for me at all.
Don't you fucking dare, sweetheart. You need to hear this.
"Why don't I have a nickname, Beau?" she asked, her voice scratchy.
"Because I could come up with some silly little thing, call you Linney or Lins or whatever, but I don't want to." I reached up to cup her face, digging my fingers in a little to keep her from looking away. Dropping my forehead against hers, I groaned. "I want to call you sweetheart and baby. I want to call you a good fucking girl while you're taking my cock. I want to call you mine. And I don't want to do that with anyone else. There's nothing silly about the way I think about you. You understand me?"
All she did in response was whimper and bite down on her lip. But that wasn't good enough for me.
"Tell me you understand, Collins."
Her eyes found mine, and they sucked me in deep. "I understand, Beau."
"Good." I let my hand fall from her face, tracing the curve of her neck to her collarbone. Goosebumps pebbled on her skin. "I want you, baby girl. And not just tonight. Not just a piece of you. All of you." I took a deep breath. "And if you don't want that, fine. But I think you do. I think you like me just as much as I like you."
This was my last-ditch effort. I'd done everything else except lay it all out for her like this. Nothing left to hide; nothing would go unsaid.
I had never been very good at masking how I felt; it was why I knew from the very beginning that I wouldn't be able to simply live with Collins and act like everything was normal. I didn't know how to be around this girl without being affected by her, and I didn't know how to not let what she did to me play out on my face, in my movements, in the words that I said.
So this...this felt good.
I had nothing left to hide.
"It drives me up the wall that I can't get into that head of yours, Collins," I said, letting my fingers fall further. They ghosted over her breasts, and I tried not to notice how her nipples puckered against her flimsy white shirt. "That I can't know for sure what's going on up there. But there's something I do know."
Her hand mimicked mine, scraping down the wall of my chest, and it worked a shiver out of me. "What do you know, Beau?"
I reached the hem of Collins' shirt and inched my hand beneath it to toy with the waistband of her underwear, wondering if she would stop me. But her expression, hungry and needy, told me that she wouldn't.
Unable to resist, I slipped my fingers under the stretchy fabric, letting them scrap over her smooth skin until I reached the wet slit between her legs. Collins was holding her breath now, and her stance widened with permission.
"Yes," she whispered, looking like she couldn't help but need me as much as I needed her. She wanted me to touch her. And God, I wanted to touch her, too. So I did, swiping my middle finger into her folds and immediately groaning.
"What do you know, Beau?" she repeated with a cry.
"That you're always so fucking wet for me."
Collins' head fell back against the wall, and there was a soft thud like the knocking of my heart against my chest. She groaned my name, closing her eyes as I circled her clit over and over again. Feeling her like this would be my destruction, but my dick was still attached to my body, which meant common sense still fucking evaded me.
"I know that for some reason you're scared," I whispered while touching her in slow strokes. "But come on, sweetheart. I've told you. I've told you to let me in, that I want the messy parts of you, too."
Her eyes opened again, and the push and pull were clear in them. The conflict, the indecision. I wanted to take it away from her.
"At least tell me how you feel about me," I said before thrusting a finger inside her. "At least tell me you like me how I like you."
Fuck. Her wet heat was unbelievable. I wanted to feel it everywhere. Painfully hard. I was painfully hard.
Collins wrapped her fingers around the top of my towel. She gripped it, holding on.
"Beau," she gasped. Her mouth tried to find words, her wet lips parting. She swallowed and then tried again. "Beau, I like you more than I've ever liked anyone."
I wasn't sure if that knowledge was going to damn us even more, but hell, it felt good to hear.
At least until she kept talking.
"I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone. But—"
She broke off, clearly unwilling to finish the sentence like usual, and I growled, curling my finger deeper inside her. "Fuck whatever you were about to say after that, Collins. Whatever it is, I don't care."
Arching her back off the wall, Collins made a desperate, throaty noise as she tried to get more from me.
"I care," she breathed.
"Then tell me what it is so we can fix it," I urged, but her mouth clamped shut. Shit.
Working my finger in and out of her slowly, I lowered my voice.
"I know how badly you want to come, sweetheart. Bet you'd do just about anything for a release, huh? Tell me, and I'll give it to you. I'll give you the world." Collins' little whimpers were making me absolutely ache, but her expression was nothing short of pained. And it hurt me to look at. I sighed raggedly. "Shit, who am I kidding? I'm not that kind of guy. I'll give you everything for nothing, and we both know it."
Desperation. I was simply sitting at a new level of desperation. It wasn't only that her secrets were keeping us apart; it was also that I knew I could help her if only she let me. I was a person designed to help other people, and she wasn't letting me do what I was meant to do.
Collins groaned, and her fingernails dug into my hip in frustration.
"Beau," she ground out, sounding just as pissed off as me. There she was. There was my girl. "Are you fucking done taking advantage of the fact that you know how much you fluster me? You know how hard it is for me to get my words out how I want when you're this close."
I took a quick step back, my fingers slipping from her body. That honestly hadn't been my intention. Yeah, I'd wanted to get all my thoughts out on the table, but I wasn't trying to silence her. Fuck, I was trying to do the opposite, trying to help her guard fall down like it did when we were physical. For crying out loud, I'd do anything to hear what she was thinking.
But clearly, she wasn't ready. And while I knew it was time to back up and respect that, it was a hard pill to swallow. A goddamn horse pill.
"Yeah, fuck, I'm sorry." I shook my head. "But that's my page, Collins, the one I'm on. Dog ear that shit, baby girl. Throw a bookmark in it. Highlight the words, I want you. You know, just in case you forget. And then let me know if and when you think we can be on the same one. Until then..."
Still shaking my head, I took another step back toward my door. Collins had slumped a little bit against the wall, her head resting against the door frame, her eyes watching me with a mix of emotions that were too wild to piece together. That ache built up within me again, but this time it was in my chest.
With a rough curse, I closed the distance between us. My hand slid into its place on her face, and then I kissed her.
It was supposed to be soft to mimic the look on her face, but Collins grabbed onto me with the grip of an Olympian. And how she kissed me back was fiercer than any other kiss of ours before. My heart jumped into my throat as her tongue snaked its way into my mouth, and I realized that I shouldn't have done this. But all I'd been able to think about was what if this was it.
It was all or nothing for me, and she might choose nothing. Not a goddamn thing I'd be able to do about it, either.
She tasted so good. She smelled so good. She was so good.
"Until then, what?" Collins gasped, wrenching her lips off mine.
I untangled myself from her, taking a reluctant step back. Her question had been like getting dunked in the ocean.
"Until then, you just can't look at me like that," I said, feeling gutted.
And with that, I slipped into my room and shut the door.
✨
I know you weren't exactly pleased with the ending of the last chapter, but I really just wanted to write an *angry* beau confession, okay??
thanks for reading!
xoxo