26
SUGAR CRASH
⸻
first girl i kissed
tasted like coffee caramel.
the sugary kind that left bitter aftertaste
cloying the back of my tongue;
the kind i used to swipe from the convenience store
behind my pop's back.
the kind my pop wouldn't let me try,
'cause he knew i'd be hooked.
didn't remember her name.
didn't remember how we got together.
but i kissed her,
and she kissed me back.
with more enthusiasm than i needed
with more eagerness than necessary.
wet moans pressed against my neck.
dark skin, warm under my palms.
solid rib cages and collarbones
trembled underneath my blunt fingertips.
her touches,
my world,
narrowed to
the sensations of her lips pressing against mine;
my frame pushing her body down into the mattress;
winter afternoon light filtering through the window,
a bare ghost of sunlight lingered on my eyelids.
she wasn't beautiful.
all cutting angles,
no particular charms.
though her stupid poised low laughter
hard,
smooth,
sent chemistry rushes fuzzing through my bloodstream.
she didn't mind when i urged her closer,
didn't care if my kisses were sloppy,
didn't worry when my hands slipped
under the hem of her shirt.
she said she was unbreakable.
break her apart, if i want.
within this thin skin container
she was born and raised into,
her naked self didn't stop at the flesh and hair.
it begins at the bone marrows and burning blood
made of stones and arrows.
but the candy is only good if i savour it.
like eve, sinking her teeth into the crisp flesh
of the forbidden fruit,
i want her to melt
gradually
from the wallowing heat of my mouth,
the wanton warmth of my words,
the deliberate senselessness of my movement.
kissing the girl
was like eating one of those coffee caramel candies
behind my pop's back.
i was addicted
to the feeling,
to the implications
to the consequences.
we kissed once
twice,
more. probably.
didn't stop.
the kisses snowballing, snowballing,
snowballing until we bursted open:
a spray of dust and particles.
i couldn't say whether i loved it because
it was amazing
or i loved it because
i did it and i got away with it.
i only knew: i wanted to do it again,
and again,
and again,
for that fleeting euphoria,
hurtling through the plateau of life
to catch the high,
the powerful feeling
having something i wasn't supposed to want,
to have,
yet having them rolling at the tip of my tongue,
tucking at the back of my teeth.
a stolen secret.
a lovely sweet-bitterness.
but the caramel coating
dissolved.
we pushed each other too far,
yelled at each other too often.
the sweet taste, turning acrid.
'cause she was unbreakable,
while i was unwilling to break.
the black coffee core of the candy
became the bitter parts neither of us learnt to let go.
and everything between us felt
momentous.
wrong and unhealthy.
there was a gaping hole in my head
where the shallow dopamine would have filled.
a numb sensation,
where reality didn't quite register.
like a sugar crash, after the candy had melted.
like the bitter aftertaste
loitering at the back of my throat.
like my subconscious,
wanting to swallow another candy.