Watching my father's expression change as Doctor Isah enlightened him on my condition, my heart began to ache slowly, eating me up as it went on. I need to stay strong, even though I've had enough to enable me breakdown today, I still need to stay strong. The people around me need it. " Isah, you keep saying I shouldn't worry.." Daddy starts before startling me with his next line of action. " This is the same thing you said and I still ended up losing my wife" he yelled, slamming his fists on his desk harshly, startling me. " I'm not waiting for anything this time, if your hospital doesn't have enough facilities to treat my daughter then I'm going to take her outside the country. That's what I should have done in the first place, if I did that I would still have my wife here with me. Do you think I want to take any chances again?, we're starting her treatment as soon as possible. I don't know how you're going to do it but you have to, I'm giving you two days to prepare everything for her treatment with excellent specialist outside the country" he snaps again and I feel a tear roll down my cheek.
" Do you honestly know how it feels?, I'm on the verge of losing my daughter to the Same thing that killed my wife and you want me to stay calm all over again?. Do you want me to go crazy?. It was hard living without her mother, raising her alone wasn't easy and now you're expecting me to calm down when the same thing is going to happen again?. I can't lose the people I cherish the most in this world alone, I cannot afford to stay lonely" The fact that his tears can't be held back has encouraged the surface of mine. I can't live without my father by my side either, hearing him say this is scaring me, a lot. In a hurry, I walk out of his office and head to my room, locking the door shut behind me.
I know he's finding it hard and I understand but he's making me freak out. Nobody wanted my mother to leave us, it was her time so she left us. If it's my time, who am I to stop myself from going to meet my lord, he doesn't have to make me this scared. Doctor Isah said I wasn't entirely in danger, if only Daddy could just calm down and listen to him properly. I don't want to leave this world, leaving him and my friends behind, I don't want to. He shouldn't make it seem like I will go.
Times like this before, even though she was ill, they would always pray, I would always sit by my mothers side after Isha and she and Daddy would sit and perform different dhikrs, with the sole aim of giving my mother better health but she still died. No one is to be blamed, it was meant to happen and it happened. I don't know how mine's going to play out but if I'm meant to go, I'll go. The only thing I can do now is pray, I can do that alot. I'm not the only one who needs it, everyone needs it, Juwairiyah probably needs it more than I do.
A gentle knock on my door gets my attention as I sat on the floor, exploring my sorrows. " Baby, open the door" I hear daddy say and I gently clean my eyes, getting up to let him in. Opening the door, I don't spare my father a look and instead, walk back in to sit on my bed, thinking about life and everyone I miss, funny how Ameerah is on the list.
" Don't cry too much, you're going to be fine" Daddy says, silently sitting beside me. " I wasn't crying before you were informed" I respond coldly. " You honestly didn't have to remind me that the same thing that happened to mummy might happen to me" I add.
" I know, it's not easy for me to bear"
" I'm the one going through it. Mummy had cancer yes but she left because it was her time, her time in this world was over, there was nothing anyone could do to stop her from going"
" What if it's your time too?"
" Everybody's time is surely going to come, we're just going to have to bear the loss and try to move on"
" it's not easy"
" Of course, it makes us stronger. We're not always meant to have what we want in this life you know"
" I know. I understand, but I can't imagine a life without you. Day by day, I wake up knowing I have a reason to go on, I wake up knowing that I have a reason to hustle, to stay healthy, to stay strong. That reason is you, what would I have when you're gone?" He says and my heart drops. What would he honestly have when I'm gone?. " It's not as if you'll be going to build your own family with Haneef or something, it's you leaving the world completely, not to ever return. How can I honestly cope with that?" He adds and I squeeze the tears brimming up in my eyes and wipe them.
" Daddy we'll be fine, In Sha Allah" I manage to say.
" Definitely. For now, Isah is going to be preparing your transfer papers abroad, you'll be leaving in two days In Sha Allah" I still have to plan Haneef's birthday. " Can't we extend it?, Haneef's birthday is coming up next week and I wanted to do someone for him"
" Do it tomorrow. Give him an early gift and tell him the reason why you're doing so"
" it's not something I can do in a blink of an eye"
" what is it that you want to do for him?"
" A family gathering, he has never celebrated his birthday with his family before and he would love that. So I wanted to give that to him and to also agree to his marriage proposal"
" You must be kidding me" Dad says, literally scoffing. " You're bent on leaving me alone no matter the way right?"
" Haba Daddy, I just thought that there was no reason to keep waiting when we're both ready.."
" and who told you you're ready for a life time commitment with Haneef?"
" I'm sure I am"
" Zakiyah, the love you have for Haneef needs to be groomed more before you decide to spend the rest of your life with him. I know you, you're trying to channel the love you have for Saleem to Haneef. You're falling for Haneef with the disguise of it being Saleem" He says and literally resets my mind. " But I'm going to let you do what you feel is best for you, I'm only here to guide and help you. Believe me i won't force anything on you, just take your time and think about your feelings first"
" You're indeed right daddy, but I can only picture myself trying to work my feelings for Haneef out and no one else"
" You never know who you'll meet in the long run" he says and leaves me to ponder on my thoughts.
You're falling for haneef with the disguise of it being Saleem.
That's the truth of my life right now.
But I'd prefer it to anything else.
Marriage is definitely going to be tough, we'll have our bad days but the fact that we're in to stay together, grow together, learn together and help each other is enough to keep us going. There's never an appropriate age for marriage, one is never fully ready for marriage, when it comes, you pray and tackle it's horns towards beautiful results. Once you have someone that possesses everything you can live with and adapt to, you just go for it and hope and pray for the best. With or without enough means, Allah will definitely make it easy when you have true and pure intentions.
So yeah, I'm going for it.
I would need to explain myself to Tayibah and Haneef's mother on the sudden need to gather everyone for Haneef, even though it pains me dearly to not have Juwairiyah by my side at this moment. I Don't even know how to break the news to Tay Tay honestly, I'm going to be putting her in a very difficult situation. But she's going to have to find out from me, and the earlier the better.
I can just cancel this and leave it till his next birthday, that's going to be much easier for me right now.
My body trembles as I dial up Tay Tay, I dropped her off at her place before heading home to wait for Daddy. " How far?" She has been crying. Subhanallah, how can I possibly break this to her?. " It still hurts a lot yeah?" I ask. " Sure now, how can it not?"
" She'll be fine In Sha Allah, don't cry too much, she'll wake up soon" I say, holding back my own tears. " I can't imagine us without her honestly, I Don't want to lose her wallahi" there's no way I can possibly add my own condition to her misery, I'm literally going to be killing her. Even though she acts all tough on normal days, things like these make Tay Tay crumble. Like when her cat died when we were 16, you'd think it was a human being that died, she mourned her cat for weeks. But of course, she was attached to it. " We won't lose her In Sha Allah, I want you to try and get some sleep now okay?"
" It's too early mana, it's just past 8 fa"
" You need your rest, today has been draining" I say
and hear her sigh heavily. " We'll go see her tomorrow again In Sha Allah, rest well too" She says. " Sure good night" I respond and end the call, throwing myself on my bed and holding back my tears. I've cried enough honestly.
I think I'm just going to let Daddy inform everyone about my condition, it's not something that's going to be easy for me to do.
Sleep's the only thing that can make me stop thinking and stressing my self right now, I feel very weak. I can't do anything, literally. Settling my bed, I set an alarm for 3am so I can start my tahajjud prayers on time and so I can reserve a restaurant for us to dine tomorrow. The instant I turn off my lights, a knock erupts on my door, which is followed by Haneef's voice. Even though I'm planning something for him tomorrow, I can't help but be angry at him for lying to me earlier. " Zakiyah are you mad at me?, what did I do wrong?"
" Haneef please, I really don't want to argue with you now. I don't feel too strong, just go home, we'll talk tomorrow In Sha Allah" I respond. " Fine, I love you"
" Good night"
" Zakiyah come on"
" what?"
" let me hear you say it before I leave, please"
" Good night"
" Zaki..." he's stressing me. " I love you too, very much" I respond and my lips form a smile as my heart softens. " Thank you, I'm sorry for anything I did"
" Good night"
" Good night" he responds and I listen to him walk away.
Time to sleep. I shut my eyes and try to cancel out my thoughts but no, they're here to stay. I can as well just plan out my day with Haneef tomorrow. A dinner date would be nice and there's this restaurant that I've been eyeing, Maima Mia.
I'm going to place reservations for 9:00pm tomorrow, I should order a cake as well, a fancy perfume all wrapped up as his gift, and a card where the main surprise will be.
4:00am, and I'm done with my night prayers which made me feel at ease. What's clouding my mind now is any reason why Haneef denied going to the Golf Club. Maybe he's seeing someone else, I'm sure girls are all over him. Maybe he's cheating?, if he was to cheat, who could it possibly be with?
I have no one.... Ameerah
But she's in Abuja.
And they're not on good terms. Ugh, I hate been suspicious like this, I'm definitely going to have to clear the air later during the day.
Picking Tay Tay up so we could go see Juwairiyah was the first task I had to fulfil today, I'm planning on telling her about my condition and the plans that have been put together.
" It's going to rain today" Yeah, there are dark clouds lurking around. " Let's hope not" I respond as she settles into the passenger's seat beside me. " Why?, I need it. If it does rain, I'm going to sit under the fall and cry"
" Chill. By the way, how's your Dubai boyfriend?"
" I've forgotten the last time we talked" she responds and I start my engine. " Why?"
" The vibe literally died when he said he loved hanging around his friends"
" Why would that kill your vibe?"
" His friends are freaking gay"
" Ahh" I scream out loud, trying to hold back my laughter. " Yeah that was my reaction too" Tay Tay says, shaking her head and trying not to laugh as well.
And there, I couldn't help it, the laughter escaped my cage. " It was the weirdest thing to hear, like oh my goodness" She says amidst laughs and I try to calm myself down. " He's sick, he's literally telling you he's gay too"
" Ai shi ne (exactly)" she says and I take deep breaths before accelerating further. " so when exactly are you travelling?" She asks and I abruptly hit my brakes. " Your dad called me last night after you called me. He explained everything to me and I cried last night and prayed too. You guys will be fine In Sha Allah" She says and places her hand on mine. " In Sha Allah. You'll be alright, you and Juwee. It's hard but we're here for you okay?. Everyone is" she says and I instantly wrap my arms around her.
I honestly don't know what I'll do without the people I love so much in this world.
" If I could even come with you, I would but as you can see, I take sides in this condition" She adds and I gently let go of her. " Your prayers are all we need. Don't worry" I say with a smile, saying Alhamdulillah in my mind for my father fulfilling my wishes before me making mention of them to him.
" So what about Haneef's birthday?" She asks as I finally hit the road to Giwa Hospital. " Well, I've turned it into a dinner date at Maima Mia, just the two of us and I ordered him this really nice perfume, I'm going to collect it from Jumia, they luckily had it in stock for me and you'll accompany me to a gift shop to get a gift bag and a card to wrap it all up for him"
" Nice nice. Let's see how Juwee's doing first, have you asked him if he'll be free by tonight?"
" No but help me text his secretary, check Secretary Alina, message her for me"
" Yes ma'am"
" Thank you"
" so did you get to talk about the golf club thing?"
" nah, he wanted to talk about it yesterday but I didn't have the strength to argue so I should talk to him about it today. Maybe he's cheating on me"
" Ah, calm down Hajiya. Reedo clearly said they saw him with some friends and why would he possibly want to cheat on you when he loves you so much?" If there's something I've learned from my bonding phase with Ameerah, it's that anyone is capable of doing anything to hurt you as long as they're going to be contented with the result of their actions.
" Are you asking me?" I respond with an eye roll which was accompanied by a striking pain.
" Yes, yes I am" she answers as I take a right turn towards the main gate of the hospital. " I Don't know really, I've just been examining different options"
" Well calm down and confront him first, overthinking has never been good for anyone"
" Fine" I answer, parking the car appropriately and enjoying the calming silence which enables me notice Tay Tay's immense gaze on me. " Why in the world are you staring at me like that?"
" Stay strong. I can't imagine my life without teasing you"