Tanner made it back just before nightfall, bringing with him emergency kits for all. Everyone had packed the essentials and were prepared to leave at any moment.
“She’ll settle in nicely, she’s found her place.” He said with a yawn once he had collapsed onto a chair. “Guys can we just leave tomorrow? I’m going to fall asleep any minute.” His head was sliding down as he spoke.
Monica agreed with him and urged everyone upstairs quickly to sleep.
Minutes later Valerie was curled up with Tanner, feeling his chest rise and fall slowly against her back. They would lose their comfort in only a few hours, thrown back into the wilderness or worse – Sin City. It would also mean separate sleeping bags which meant no spooning with Tanner. Hence the reason that she fought against sleep.
You’re being stupid, you know that? He wouldn’t even look your way twice if he was awake. Not even once if you were lucky.
Valerie had no way to escape the cruel remarks of her inner demon and therefore had to just fight back.
He would, you don’t know what you’re talking about, she thought back at it.
Prove it then. Tell him. If you’re so sure then he should just jump at the opportunity. Your Tan-aaah. Bah. You’re being stupid.
What happened? Why are you so annoyed? What did I do? she thought.
Oh you know exactly what you did. Just go to sleep. Now. Please. Or at least just stop thinking – I want silence.
With a lot of grumbling Valerie slowed her breathing and finally fell asleep, much to the delight of her little helper.
***
The next morning it was her duty to carry the water and that meant getting up early, bundling up well and stepping outside into the cold. Using the device that clever Monica had through up, Valerie lugged the stick across her upper shoulders - an immense bucket of water dangling from each end.
Don't forget your promise, hon. Tell Tanner. That way you'll shut up and stop with the whole thing.
Valerie gritted her teeth and pressed on with the task at hand. She wouldn't let her spirit succumb to the downer of her inner voice.
"I'll just be right." Valerie grunted, nearly tripping over an exposed tree root and almost wasting a whole half an hour's work.
Oh we'll see. I have the insight, remember?
That valid point made Valerie's stomach turn.
Six trips to and fro from the stream later, Valerie paced the length of the kitchen, rehearsing her impromptu speech while twisting her sweaty hands together.
What was she thinking, doing something as stupid as this. The potential fate of her whole life hung in the balance and there she was obsessing over a childhood crush. If Mabel had still been around, she would have called her pathetic. Valerie just treated the event like a chance to make or break it - if he didn't return the feelings (quite unlikely a scenario, Valerie thought) then she could stop and just let it go. But if he did then she could openly express herself around him which meant no more pent up frustration and confusion. It was just a chance to put it all out on the line. She took a deep breath.
See you on the other side, hon. Don't cry too much.
"Tanner? Can you come down to the table, please? I have to speak to you." She yelled, regretting it almost instantly. Stupid, stupid, stupid plan, she thought.
"Can it wait?" Was the reply from upstairs.
"Not really." Her voice broke midway through her short sentence, making her squeak. She heard his heavy footsteps down the stairs and took her place at the front of the table, arranging herself to look as casual as possible and failing terribly.
Tanner entered the room, scratching his head which meant that his shirt rode up his torso. Valerie stayed composed, eyes straining to stay locked on his face. He hadn't shaved in a few days - she'd need to find some razors for him before they left. Maybe there would be some in the bathroom cupboard. Her mind worked at double speed, trying to distract her from what she was about to do.
She cleared her throat and gestured to the seat by her side. "Come sit with me, Tanner. Please?" She managed a timid smile, feeling queasy.
He looked at her, uncertain and slid into the wooden chair looking like his brain was ticking overtime.
"Did I do something wrong or-?" He awaited some sort of explanation.
"No - I've just got to confess something. I just want you to listen first. Promise me that you'll listen."
Tanner leant forward, clasping his hands. "I'll try and keep an open mind."
Valerie closed her eyes and took another breath.
"I've had these feelings for a long time - they've impacted the way I act and sometimes they make me stupid and I-I don't know why they make me incompetent but they just do and the only way to fix that is by telling you. I just know that it's the right thing to do." She said, voice wavering. She paused to lick her dry lips and carried on at full speed.
"Maybe I should have acted earlier - I never really knew when the right time was - I'm just so confused and no one can help me and I just want to let it all out. I- I-" She hesitated, brain short- circuiting. Tanner wasn't looking like he was fully understanding. There was only one other way to end this for one and for all.
She leant across the table and kissed him. The effect was immediate but not in the way she expected. He jolted backwards, hard against his chair and scrambled up, clutching it's back with wide, disbelieving eyes and a look of pure distress. She was beyond crushed.
"Shit! Shit! Shit, mother, crap- Oh no- shit!" He hissed, pressing a hand to his mouth and running the other through his hair, throwing shocked looks in her direction.
"You just - what? Shit!"
Valerie stood up. "Come on, Tanner. Tell me you've never felt anything like that before - not even a little spark? All this time? There must be something, don't lie to me!" She whispered angrily, hands balled into fists and eyes pricking with tears that she was determined not to shed.
"Yeah - once or twice but I'd never actually think it was real - Shit! S-so you- you've. You just- Why'd you do that, Val? I- Why did you do that?" He shook his head a few times as if to get an image out of his head and pointed at her, waiting for an answer.
He felt nothing. The voice had been right.
Valerie pressed her lips together and tried to steady her shaking hands. This was all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. This wasn't how it was suppose to be. Not at all.
"It was just a stupid experiment. I'm sorry. I won't do it again." She rasped bitterly, feeling like her throat was closing up.
"I- I'm sorry. I just- sorry." She fled from the room and outside, taking the veranda steps two at a time and landing in the new layer of snow hard. He didn't even bother to follow her.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
She went to the stream, openly crying by the time she sat down on the water's edge. She was furious at herself.
I'd hate to say it but I told you so.
She screamed, grabbing the rock at her side and flinging it as hard as she could at her reflection.
You knew this was inevitable. Now that you've actually gone through with it you have no other option but to stick to your guns. You tried. You loss. Better luck next time.
She buried her head in her hands and wept to her heart's content, keeping up a slew of curse words into the cool air and the calmness around her.
Slowly she calmed down and ended up berating herself once again for being so petty.
Someone came to collect her after a while. They stopped by her side and she didn't look up when she sensed their presence.
"Drink this." Robyn shoved a steaming cup of tea into Valerie's cold hands. "Monica made it but I spiced it up a bit to get you back on your feet. We're going soon."
With that she collapsed onto the snow covered bank with a huff, an arm on her knee and staring out into the wilderness. She took a sip from her own cup.
Valerie stared down at the amber liquid, frowning as she watched the dredges sink to the bottom. She drank and bit and gracefully spat it back into the mug.
"This tastes like crap!" She muttered, wiping her mouth on her jacket. Robyn snickered. "I may have overdosed you on the whiskey a tiny bit. It'll keep you warm, that's for sure. Hey - we've got to use the last of whatever is left. Wouldn't want to leave anything for anyone else to find." She smiled at her friend and calmly drank again.
A comfortable silence settled between them.
"I told you he was a dick."
"Shut up, Ro."
"Just sayin'. I can kick him in the groin for you if you want - by accident, of course."
"Nah. It was my fault anyway. I just ruined everything."
"That's kind of true. But I respect you for that."
Despite the horrid taste, Valerie threw back the mug and took a deep swig, thankful for the burning sensation that warmed her frozen body. It gave her something to focus on besides the hollow ache in her chest, the humiliation and the crushed morale.
"We're going to taste the rainbow, Ro. Just like Mabel will. But first we've got to get to that Sin City and I think that I'm finally ready to go - I've hardened the hell up."
Robyn nodded solemnly, still lost in the perfect image of the frozen winter forest. "Let's go then. But first things first - bottoms up."
They threw back the rest of their drinks in one go, chugging the remnants of the tea with gusto. Robyn coming away spluttering while Valerie shook out her thawing limbs.
"Oooh, that felt good. Onward, comrade. To the city of our dreams!"
Robyn grabbed her friend with her gloved hands and dragged her along, their loud laughter echoing through the trees. Anyone watching them would have thought them just blissfully enjoying their lives, simply strolling through a forest and returning home for a warm meal and a nap. Robyn and Valerie knew otherwise. There were about to attempt a journey that would ultimately make or break them - they were going into enemy territory - they were going to march into Sin City.
***
Everyone assembled in the dining room, wearing as many clothes as they possibly could and some looking miserable - especially Axel. He wasn't one for the cold and was wearing two beanies.
Valerie stood between Theodore and Robyn, her friend keeping a firm grip on her arm. She refused to look up in Tanner's direction and he did likewise. He looked furious - with her or with himself she wasn't exactly sure but she didn't dare speak up about it.
Monica had stepped in and taken charge. She finished trying the laces of her boots and stood up, shouldering her backpack. "Ready team? We've got to cover a few miles in one go if we want to sleep warm tonight. We can't just set up camp on the border of the City, we're going to have to trek around to the place where they wouldn't think of looking for us and that means more walking. If you get tired we'll stop but for no more than five minutes. We've got a tight schedule to stick to." She adjusted the hood of her white fleece jumper with a smile. She looked like she was running on pure adrenaline already and they hadn't even stepped outside. "Let's go then."
She was the first out of the front door and slowly the other trickled out after her, one by one. Theodore, Robyn and Valerie were the last three to linger.
Theo reached out to the wall and patted it fondly. "I'm going to miss this place but I know it'll still be here if we need it. Maybe we can come back and visit it sometime?"
If we even make it to Sin City but even that seems unlikely right now.
Valerie clenched her jaw and managed a kind nod. Robyn sighed sadly and linked arms with both of them and lead them out into the cold. She broke away only to secure the house by stuffing a bundle of rags under the door. She noticed their curious glances. "So the next people don't find the house cold." She said with a grin. She started after the others quickly and Theo and Valerie had no option but to follow.
An hour later and they had made significant progress - they could already see the border of the city. Valerie and Theodore had fallen back a few paces behind the rest, already tired from all the trudging through the heavy snow. "I can't believe we're going back there." Theo whispered, apparently speaking more to himself than Valerie but she listened in anyways.
"What if I get caught? What will she do? What will happen? What if we can't find a place to stay and we freeze to death? What happens if we starve out in the wilderness?" He kept on a constant stream of muttering under his breath, eyes wide and finally Valerie saw the crazy look in his eyes that Monica always worried about. It was if he had a screw loose in his head and it was bouncing around, jarring his every thought. Maybe he truly was mentally unstable. She felt sorry for him.
She went to his side and linked arms with him much to his surprise. Most of the time she just ignored or screamed at him. "We're going to be fine, Theo. I promise. Take my word for it. If anything goes wrong you can hold me responsible and hack off my hair." She said, rubbing his arm. He looked at her, still distressed.
"But how do you know?" What if- what if-"
She shushed him gently and even went as far as pressing a cold kiss to his forehead. "We'll be fine. I promise, Theodore."
He relaxed notably after that and he turned his gaze to his friends and locked it there. After a few minutes he started to breathe more calmly and shook his head, laughing.
"Sorry. Sometimes I just. . . lose it. Crazy, I know." He muttered.
Valerie smiled and shook her head. "Crazy no - more like. . . lost. You kind of drift away for a while. That's okay. To tell you the truth, I'm not a hundred percent, either. My hands shake when I'm distressed. It gets really bad sometimes." She whispered. "I haven't told anyone about that before."
He stared at her again with that piercing silver-eyed gaze for a little too long. She looked away first. "What happened? What's with the sudden change?" He asked.
"What? Nothing's different. " She stared down at her feet as she trudged away in the snow.
"No - something's changed. It's like the ice has shattered. You've thawed." He smiled at she couldn't help but notice how young he looked with his matter blonde curls, red nose and his cherubic face.
She shrugged. "I've been broken but it's for the better. Allows me to be free - to just let everything go."
He didn't look like he understood what she was talking about but he nodded anyway.
"You reckon that we'll actually be able to stay hidden in the city? I still don't understand what comes after." He bit his lip.
"I have no clue, to be honest. I'm kind of just drifting along with this plan - we all are. Well - except maybe Monica."
Valerie saw that he tried not to smile at the mention of her name. She tried not to laugh. It was a funny look that crossed his face- a mix of admiration and bashfulness - it was endearing to see someone so happy.
"Hurry up, slackers! Pick up the pace a tiny bit, will you?" Robyn shouted back at them, stopping to wait for them.
Theodore huffed and sped up, pulling Valerie along amidst her protests. "If we hurry up I can give you guys a quick tour of the city. Point out all the main landmarks and whatnot." He tried to mask the trepidation in his voice but she could see right through him. He was beyond scared of what laid waiting for him back home.
You're like that. Look at your hands. Anticipation isn't accepted by your own body.
She found that they were trembling dramatically. She stuffed them into her pockets, trying to calm down and keep u. "Theo. It's happening again." She whispered. He stopped and offered her his gloved hand. She gladly accepted it and was amazed as the tremors subsided as he squeezed it periodically.
"Other one." He said softly under his breath. She switched sides and felt the release of tension from her body once her hands had returned to normal.
"How?" She whispered.
He smiled, trying not to look too proud with himself. "My mother made me take chiropractic and massage classes to fill up my spare time."
I can't believe that woman.
She shook her head, smirking. "Unbelievable."
"I know. My whole life was like that."
Monica sidled up by their side to ask Valerie what was wrong with Tanner, looking concerned. She shrugged, trying not to squeeze Theo's hand too hard. She must have failed in that attempt because he yelped and prised her fingers off and rubbed his hand, frowning at her.
"Just leave him, he'll recover." She said dryly. Monica glanced back and forth at them, obviously trying to add the two together. Apparently she came up with no successful answers because she smiled at them and slinked back to the front to stand by Axel who was in the middle of telling a very animated story to Robyn.
Sorry for what I said before. Maybe you guys will make it out of this mess successfully. You're just going to have to try really, really hard. Good luck, you'll need it. The voice had perked up suddenly for no apparent reason.
Oh - trust me - we will, she thought. She was going to ask what exactly the voice meant but she never got the chance.
Everything changed in a flurry of chaos. Everything changed at the border.