Druig was next to you when you woke. He was sleeping with his head on your bed, his hand holding yours. Your heart clenched. You would have to tell him he was right. You hadn't been ready. You had failed.
Looking at him, you realized you had never seen him sleeping. He had always left before you woke up, waiting until you fell asleep. He looked so peaceful and your heart hurt at the thought of getting to see him like this every morning. No, you reminded yourself. He is not yours. You pulled your hand out of his.
He stirred as he felt you shift, slowly coming to. He raised his head and his eyes met yours. As relief came about his face, you realized he looked like he had gotten sleep for the first time in ages. "Hi," he said softly.
"Hi," you said back. "What are you doing here?"
"You were unconscious," he said, rubbing his face. "The Deviant got you pretty bad. Ajak healed your injuries but you had lost a lot of blood."
"Okay," you said slowly. "And what are you doing here?"
He hesitated. "Someone needed to monitor you through the night."
"Ah. And you got stuck with the job?" You nodded. That made more sense, though it didn't explain why he was holding your hand when you woke up.
"No, I—I wanted to be here," he said.
"Right," you rolled your eyes. "Be the first to say I told you so? I guess you were right. I wasn't ready."
"No," he said. "You were. You are. I was just terrified something would happen to you. I couldn't lose you."
"What?" You gaped at him, not fully comprehending his words.
"Y/N, I love you," he said. "I've always loved you. I should have told you before, centuries ago. But I couldn't."
The words you had wanted to hear for so long. Your chest tightened. You wanted to believe him. You wanted him to take you in his arms and kiss you, and show you he loved you. You wanted so many things. But you just didn't believe him. You couldn't, not again. You couldn't risk your heart again. "Stop it," you said quietly. "This is cruel, even for you."
"Y/N, listen to me, please," he said. "I love you."
"No, you don't," you said. "You can't. You said you couldn't."
"I lied," he said. "I couldn't tell you. I couldn't let you love me."
"No," you said. Your anger was growing with every word. "You don't get to do this. I'm finally putting my heart back together. You don't get to come in here and get my hopes again. You didn't want me. You said you didn't love me."
"I didn't say that," he said. "I said I couldn't love you. Because I shouldn't."
"What?"
"You deserve so much more than me," he said. "I know I hurt you, Y/N, and I deserve your anger. But please, believe me when I say that I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you."
You closed your eyes. "I don't believe you."
You couldn't. You couldn't open your heart again to him. It was too painful. You had become someone new, someone you didn't recognize anymore, consumed by your pain. He had done that to you. And you couldn't go back there, so hopefully and blindly in love with him, ready to do anything for him, only to have him break your heart again.
"I know," he said quietly. "I'll prove it to you. I'll make you believe me again."
You looked away as Sersei came into the room. "Y/N, you're awake!"
Druig stepped back, letting her close to hug you. You noticed he did not leave though, his eyes on yours over Sersei's head. And from the look on his face, you had a feeling he wasn't going to be leaving any time soon.
——
"I'm really sorry, Y/N," Kingo said. "You told me not to show off and I did, and you got hurt."
"It wasn't your fault," you smiled at him, sitting up in your med bay bed. Ajak had come and looked you over earlier. She had said you could go back to your room tomorrow but until then, you were stuck here where you could be monitored more closely. Druig had yet to leave your side. He sat quietly in the corner as the others came to see you throughout the day.
"It was," he said. "I distracted you. But you were a really good boss before that."
"Thanks, Kingo," you grinned. "I guess you can be on my team again one day, if I ever get a team again."
"Oh I'm sure you will," he sat on a chair, putting his feet up on your bed. "Anyways, how's it been here with your boyfriend all day? You bored yet?"
"What did you call him?" Your body tensed as you looked from him to Druig.
"They know," Druig said simply, looking up from his book.
"What?" You gasped. "You told them?"
"No, your friend Ikaris told them," he said as he looked down again, turning a page nonchalantly.
"Yeah, the boss kind of exploded on your man there," Kingo went on. "Which he totally deserved. It actually would've been better if Ikaris kicked his ass. He one hundred percent deserved it."
"I'm sitting right here, Kingo," Druig rolled his eyes.
"I know," Kingo glared at him. He turned back to you. "I can't believe you kept this a secret for centuries. I mean we're best friends, you didn't even tell me."
"You're not her best friend," Druig said through gritted teeth.
"Yes I am," he said. "We know it's not you because you suck."
"Kingo," you sighed. "I'm sorry I kept it secret from you and everyone else. It was stupid."
You saw Druig flinch out of the corner of your eye.
"It's fine," Kingo waved it off. "Honestly I'm impressed with that level of secrecy. The Qin emperor has these spies, they're called indispensables. You could totally be one of those. If you weren't you know an Eternal with a mission from a celestial and all."
You smiled. "Thanks."
He got up. "I'll see you later okay? I'll bring you some of those noodles you like. Maybe when your watch dog isn't here because I'm not bringing him any."
You laughed as he left, Druig grumbling under his breath. It was a few minutes after, when you were alone again, that Druig spoke. "I wish I could go back and do things differently," he said. "I would've been open with our relationship."
"Yeah well, too late for that now," you leaned back in your bed. "Besides, we weren't in a relationship. It was just sex, remember?"
He sucked in a breath. "I know I owe you an explanation of my actions."
"Druig, you owed me an explanation months ago, now however I don't want to hear your excuses," you sighed.
"Y/N, please," he said quietly.
You looked at him closely. You could see the desperate plea in his eyes. You knew you shouldn't care, but you did. Centuries of conditioning from loving him. "Fine."
"I want to help the humans," he said. "They are so full of hatred, so full of violence. They are filled with darkness. And I can stop it. I can make them better with one thought."
"You can't love me because of the humans?" You rolled your eyes.
"No," he said quickly. "But I know the path I'm heading down is dangerous. It goes against everything Arishem told us to do, everything Ajak constantly tells us to do."
"And you have to walk this path alone? What does this have to do with loving me?"
"No, but I can't force it on you," he said. "Y/N, I can't corrupt you with my bitterness at our inability to do anything."
"We protect them from the Deviants," you said. You had heard this from him before. It was the same feelings he had had since the very beginning. It was the driving force for him to come seek you out on the nights when it became too much, trying to find a moment of peace in his mind.
"And then they kill each other," he rolled his eyes. "We could do more. I could do more. It's all I can think about, all of the time now. The only time I've ever been able to find peace was when I was with you. I'm sorry, I used you because I needed you. Because being with you, loving you, it quiets the pain in my heart. I knew how you felt and I should've ended it. I didn't because I was selfish. I needed you, even that small piece of you. You are the only bit of solace in my soul."
You wanted to believe him. But your mind stopped your heart from accepting his words. Because you were stronger now. "Why didn't you tell me that?" You shook your head. "I want to believe you, but I can't. You knew how I felt. You knew I loved you and I would've followed you anywhere, down any path. It wouldn't have been by force. It would have been because I loved you. But you chose not to tell me any of this. You chose to break me instead. How am I supposed to believe you now?"
"I couldn't ask you to defy everything you believe in for me," he said. "I couldn't tell you because you're right. I knew you would have followed me because you love me. And I couldn't do that to you. You deserve better than the life I could provide for you. I thought if I just kept it casual, if I kept my distance, if I didn't tell you how I felt, you would forget about me eventually. You would move on and get to live the life you deserve and have the happiness you deserve."
Your eyes flashed in anger. The glass of water on the nightstand by your bed flew against the wall. "How dare you? Who are you to decide what I deserve? How dare you make that decision for me? You expect me to believe that you broke my heart because you thought you were protecting me? I have never needed your protection. I never asked you for that."
"I know," he said quietly. "I know I was stupid. I know I made a mistake. Please, Y/N, believe me when I say that I am sorry for hurting you. I let you go because I didn't want to hurt you, and I ended up doing it anyway."
You sighed, looking away from him. You could hear the sincerity in his tone. You knew he was sorry. But that didn't mean you could open your heart to him again. You felt the fight leave you. You were so tired of being hurt by him. "I don't forgive you," you said quietly. "I believe you are sorry. I believe you thought you were doing what you thought was right. But I don't believe you love me. You can't hurt someone the way you hurt me if you love them."
"What can I do to make you believe me?" He pleaded. "I don't deserve your forgiveness, I know, no matter how much I yearn for it. I know my actions have been unforgivable. But what can I do to show you that you have always had my heart? I need you to believe that."
You eyes met his. You could see the desperation painted clearly on his face. But you didn't know how to give him what he wanted now. You didn't have anything left of you to give. "I don't know," you said genuinely.
"Then I'll prove it to you," he said quietly. "I'll prove to you that I love you."
"Why does it even matter anymore?" You said. "Why does it matter if I believe you?"
"Because, my love," he said. "Even if you are never mine again, I will always, always be yours."
You didn't know what to say to that.
——
Finally the truth comes out! Stupid Druig with his stupid high horse lol
Hope you liked it! Thanks for reading! Let me know what you thought!
EDITED.