In which I educate ya dumbasses with the daily struggles of being a desi/brown girl and putting up with brown parents with temper problems...
Non-Indians will understand shit, Indians will relate...
1. The life of a T-shirt
-brand new, only wear it on special occasions
-wears at auntie's husband's brother's daughter's child's birthday party
-Wears when going to play with a random friend
-gets stuffed in the far corner of the cupboard
-finds it after five years only to see it is too small
-Tshirt gets torn in half to clean the floor
-Tshirt finally finds peace at the back of a garbage truck
2. Job opportunities
We are very caring parents. We will give you all the freedom you need. So you are allowed to be any kind of surgeon and we will love you dearly:))))
3. Indian Auntie Vocabulary
hai mone/mole, (Hey child)
Enthoke unde vishesham? (what's up)
thadi vechaloo (You have put on quite a lot of weight) *Smiles sweetly*
veyilil nikanda, karup avum (Don't stay under the sun, you will become black)
avan avalde kude oliche odee poyanu (apparently he eloped with her) (basically, gossip) #BBCnewsisuseless
#wehaveindianautiestotelluswtfisgoingon
4. Hindi is the only language that exists
Person: Wait you are Indian right?
Me: Yea-
Person: So that means you speak Hindi right?
Me: not really, I speak Malayam. And some Tamil.
Person: But you said you were Indian...
Me: Yeah, I am-
Person: Oh I see, so you speak Indian right?
Person #2: Of course not, she speaks Hindu.
Me: ...........................What-
5. Cricket (INDIA VS PAKISTAN)
Indian cricketer: *didn't catch the ball*
Everyone in the thattu kada (tea shop but with zero hygiene): YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH THE FUCKING BALL? YOU HAVE BROUGHT SHAME UPON US AND THE ENTIRE INDIA. YOU ARE GONNA LET PAKISTAN WIN. YOU BASTARD. YOU *long bleep*
6. Exam results:
White child: mom I got 29 out of 60
White mom: It's okay baby, you tried hard. Next time, you can try harder and you will definitely win
VS:
Brown child: *literally drowning in fear* amma.....I got the results
Brown mom: *Holding her chappal (slippers)* how much marks?
Brown child: *stuttering like Wattpad Y/n* f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f--f--fifty n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nine
Brown mom: *death stare* Out of?
Brown child: s-s-s-s--s-s-s-s-s--s-s--sixty......
brown mom: where did the one mark go? #childurabouttoseeraginghell
Brown child: but amma I got the most marks in my class #godhavemercyonme #Imtooyoungtodie #illdobetternexttimeiswear
Brown mom: IDC ABOUT THE OTHER STUDENTS WHY DID YOU LOSE THAT ONE MARK??
*Crying sound effects*
*slapping sound effects*
#devilandtheirtorturecenterlookingatearthandtakingnotesondifferenttorturemethods
#chappalisbrockenandsoischild'skundi
#onemarkpeacefullydrinkingchaiindathattukada
#Ishouldhaveput70markstotalsoicansaybrownchildgot69lmaoo
7: Songs:
Other non-English speaking countries: *knows many different English songs*
Meanwhile, Indians: *sings "shape of you" by Ed Sheeran on repeat, so bad, that makes you low-key hate it*
8. Reusable shit
Milk is over? Add one litre water in it and boom, ya got extra one litre milk that tastes like water.
Shampoo over? Add water in it and use that shit again.
Cos we ain't gonna waist money when we have water...
9. Finding love:
White parents: *lets their son/daughter find love on their own*
Brown parents:
-finds daughter a rich boy from gulf (Arab countries)
-boy and his parents meet girl
-"SOUMYA BRING THE CHAI"
-wedding date is fixed
-"you can study after you marry" (spoiler alert: she doesn't)
-daughter either has another boy who she loves and either elope with him or breaks up with him to satisfy parents after parents emotionally manipulate her
-in the end, the girl ends up with a random dude her parents arranged for her to spend the rest of her life with 🙂🙂
10. Every desi guest:
Enna njangal erangate? (So shall we head out?)
Five minutes later:
Enna sheri, njangal angane pokuva (well then, lets go)
Thirty minutes later:
Appol njangal pokuva (we are gonna go now)
*proceeds to stay for another hour*
Like bitch, get the fuck out of my house already...
11. Movies
Family-friendly movies with white people: *mc gives a tiny peck on the lips to her bf*
Movies with brown people: *rated pg 18 plus because people hold hands*
At the same time, brown kids who watch movies ten times worse: I am four parallel universes ahead of you
13. Clothing gifts
I don't care what you say, you are Indian if your relatives bought you more clothes than your parents ever did.
Don't worry though, your parents are busy buying clothes for all one million of your cousins too...
14. Seasons of the year
If you live close to the southern part of India, then school taught you bullshit.
There are three seasons in South India:
-hot
-hotter
-hottest
15. Life of an Indian parent:
-Give birth
-"aa soumyade kochine kando nee? Aval nanayi padikum ennu. Nee evide kalichu nadanu onnum ariyathe ninno. aval oru doctor okke avumpol ninaku pathu paisa ellarikum" (did you see Soumya's child? She studies so well. All you do is walk around jobless. When she becomes a successful doctor, you won't have enough money to even eat)
-die
16. Whos fault is it?
Moms when your hand accidentally pushed a glass sitting on the corner of a table that you don't even know who put it there and it breaks: WHY DID YOU BREAK THE GLASS? ARE YOU BLIND? WHY? DIDN'T YOU SEE THIS? YOU SHOULD HAVE MOVED THE GLASS
*whips out chappati-rolling pin*
Moms when the exact above thing but with them breaking the glass: WHO PUT THIS GLASS HERE? WHY WOULD YOU PUT A GLASS ON THE CORNER? DIDN'T YOU SEE I WAS HERE?
*whips out chappati-rolling pin nevertheless*
17. turmeric: the universal cure for everything
In india, turmeric is the solution for any problem.
Skin is dark?
Put some turmeric on your face
Tired?
Have some turmeric
Sick?
Turmeric water will cure it
Cancer?
Here is the turmeric(honestly Liz forbes should have had some turmeric, she wouldn't have died)
On the moon without oxygen and ten seconds away from dying?
Kurachu manjal etto, ellam sheriavum (have some turmeric, it will be alright)
18. Whatsapp
When adults create a whatsapp group: *sends memes and wishes everyone happy birthday and tells each other news and stuff*
When teens/children create a whatsapp group:
First and second day: *continuous texting and having fun*
Third day: You: so what's up?
Appu: nothing
Fourth day: *group chat has been reported dead*
Ps: appu is the name of my cousin. Me and my cousins actually do have a gc on whatsapp and it's like a mini version of this Group with all the adult relatives. -salvatcrewife is in the adult version and I think so is appu's older sister...
19. Skin colour
Indian ads on santoor and chandrika and hamam soaps always have the most catchiest songs and the lady in it is always so white.
Like, I'm talking paperwhite.
And while Americans sit under the sun in a bikini to get tanned Skin, us Indians buy fairness products to look paper white like the chandrika lady.
What I'm sayings, other countries cream ads: this will give your skin glow and bring out your inner beauty while giving it moisture
And Indians cream ads: This shit will make you look whiter than Edward Cullen. Buy it. Now.
20. Eat your food
Other countries to get their child to eat: Here comes the airplane
Indians trying to get their child to eat: Eat or the neighbor auntie will come and kidnap you
21. Our own words
We say rubber instead of eraser
And brinjal instead of egg-plant
Wah, Bhai. Wah.
22. Desi guys using Instagram be like
*Insert photo of guys with a button-down shirt and sunglasses*
caption: How is the new grass?
#Brooooo #happy #goodmorning
and bio: Mah lyfe, mah rulez
or: love school
LoVe lyfe
LoVe famILY
23. Leave me alone
I swear to got I will sit still and think while being bored out of my damn skull and suddenly I wanna go to the bathroom and right when I step in I hear kabooms of my name
Like bruh, let me just pee in peace. I'll do whatever the fuck you want later
People only remember your name when you wanna go to the bathroom...
24. Musicals
USA Movies: *Doesn't have any type of songs unless it's specifically called "Musical"*
Indian movies: *will break into a song when there is a murder investigation going on*
25.Uncle and Auntie
Them: So how is school?
Me: Oh it's good
My head: Don't you fucking dare ask me an exam question
Them: So tell me what are the ancient trade routes in Indi-
Me: MOM YOU FORGOT THE RAITA DONT WORRY I'LL GO GET IT
26. Family politics:
Me and my cousin: Gossiping is bad, I do not support it.
Also us: *sits on the backseat of the car to listen to our parents spill the tea on the family gossip*
27. What parents expect:
-boy meets girl
-̶F̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶s̶
-̶D̶a̶t̶i̶n̶g̶
-Marry
28. When guests come over:
Mom: clean the house
Mom: Clean your bedroom
Mom: clean the cupboards
Mom: clean the glasses
Mom: you walked on the carpet, clean your footprints
Like, are you trying to remove any evidence of our existence in the particular household?
#guestsbecreepynowadays
#youmeantotellmeyoursisterwillgolookinginmycupboard?
29. Replacements for "ILY"
My mom and dad have told me "Vaccum the house" and "Fold the clothes" respectively more than "I Love You"
#imbrocken
#vaccumthehousesoundsmorebeautifulthantheILYchiche
#wattpadfriendslovememorethanparents
#mysisterisattemptingmurderonmerightnow
#THEBOYSINTHEBOOKIMREADINGFINALLYKISSED
#thewayimsmilinglikeacompleteidiot
#mysisterjustpokedmyskinwithapenandit'sbleedingyayyy
30. Dissatisfied af
Indian parents will ask you "I need to write an E-mail to someone so I'll need you to tell me long and professional words"
But then when you tell them a helpful tip, they go "don't tell me what to do, I know more than you. I'm older and therefore smarter"
Like no, no one fucking writes "later I will talk"
Just accept it and move on with your damn life
My dad is exactly like this. He asked me the above questions and after I helped with the email I stayed in case he needed help. And he was texting his boss or whoever and he goes "later I will talk" and when I told him that it's "I will talk to you later", he just gets all angry and stuff.
My mom had to tell him that I know better and shit and he finally agreed.
Parents these days *hmph*
That is all I got for now, hope y'all have an idea on what it's like to be Indian.
Byeees
-V