Hello! It's getting a little steamy in this chapter, but not enough to fog up the mirror. Still, I wanted to give quick warning.
Jaiden hadn't revealed his bond with Carlos to anyone before. Not even Nate understood how much Carlos meant to him. He also never talked to anyone about shooting Terrance. It was a terrifying subject for him. He knew Terrance's death was necessary at that moment, but he still felt tainted. He still saw the blood on his hands.
"Mi sol... what's going on in that head of yours?" Toni finally asked after holding Jaiden in silence for a while.
"Does it not bother you?" He asked nervously.
"Nothing about you could bother me." Toni crooned.
Jaiden shivered. "I killed someone."
"You protected yourself and anyone else who may have come across him... but I know what you're going through... About five years ago, I had my own do-or-die moment. I pulled the trigger and took a life to save myself and a hostage. It's... difficult to recover from." Toni said quietly, his eyes becoming distant.
He noticed Jaiden's curious stare, so he explained. "I was new to the detective gig and was looking into a homicide. I located our suspect, except he locked himself in a store with a cashier. He was high on something and proved to be a danger to everyone around him. I gave him my warning to drop his gun, but he aimed it at me, so I shot." His lips pulled into a slight frown. "I was always a good shot, but I veered a little the side and clipped an artery. I watched him bleed out."
"Does it still..." Jaiden stopped himself.
But Toni smiled, knowing what he was asking. "Haunt me?" He released a sigh. "I have always wanted to protect people and stop murderers, but that day I became a killer... I may have come to terms with it now, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten."
Jaiden trembled a little. "I pitied him at first—Terrance, the one who I shot. He and the other three foster children were abused by their foster parents... When they were young, their foster parents locked them in the church and it caught on fire, killing one of them and injuring Terrance and two others, an older boy and younger girl. I read about the injuries they sustained and it was terrible. Terrance had burns covering his back. The girl was protected by the other two and only had burns on her legs. But the older boy had burns covering 20% of his body... they were just kids."
Jaiden sighed with unease. "Parents—biological, adoptive, or foster—should protect their children, not make them suffer... and then twenty years after the church burned, Terrance murdered four people; the foster parents involved with the abuse and church. My first thought was, 'they have every right to be angry'... I even believed that the foster parents' death was fitting. But when Terrance killed Carlos, those thoughts vanished, and I was filled with rage. I was not acting like the cop Carlos raised me to be, and I have doubted myself since.
"What I can never erase is the fact that I killed someone, albeit he was a murderer. I was even glad at one point, but then I remembered that he had his own family—the other foster kids who survived the church fire. From what I heard, they had a close relationship, but the other two left town long ago. Only Terrance remained in New Mexico.
"Now I wonder if they know Terrance is dead. Do they know that he is buried at St. Joseph's cemetery? Do they know I killed him?"
Jaiden voiced the questions and fears he had held on to for two years. For some reason, he continued to become vulnerable around Toni. The emotions he had been suppressed were becoming undone in his presence. He didn't know if this was for the best, but Toni didn't push him away.
Jaiden had looked away and clenched his jaw. "I don't know how I should feel. Should I be glad he's dead? Should I feel remorseful? Should I be angry that he's not alive and thrown in jail? The person I relied on to help me navigate this shit is dead... I'm alone, and I'm a fucking mess."
Toni pulled Jaiden's chin so he could look him in the eyes. He ran his fingers along Jaiden's jaw. "You're not. You're not a mess, and you're not alone." He whispered.
Jaiden scoffed. "I can't keep my emotions in check, and I wake you up in the middle of the night because of these fucking nightmares. I wouldn't blame you if you walked away."
"Mi sol..."
"It doesn't fucking stop-"
Toni shifted his weight and picked Jaiden up, cradling him against his chest. He carried him to the bedroom and laid down on the bed before climbing over him and straddling him. He slowly grabbed Jaiden's hands, pulled them up over Jaiden's head, and held them there.
Toni's eyes lingered on the sight of Jaiden trapped beneath him. Jaiden's eyes were wide and glistened with tears, and his swollen lips were stained a darker pink. His long hair was tousled and framed his face on the bed. His chest heaved with heavy breaths, making his torso flex with every exhale. His shirt rode up teasing Toni with a small sliver of exposed skin. Toni nearly came undone when he felt him shiver under him.
"Mierda." Toni cursed and lowered himself to capture Jaiden's lips.
"Toni," Jaiden whispered when Toni broke from the kiss. He was confused by the sudden assertiveness.
"I want it all," Toni said as he kissed Jaiden's tears.
"What?"
"Lo quiero todo." He repeated in Spanish. "I want your painful past and the loss you have experienced. I want your emotions, insecurities, and nightmares... give me your worse, mi sol."
"You don't want that," Jaiden said quietly, and turned his head away.
Toni took advantage of Jaiden's turned face and his lips devoured his exposed neck. "I want it... and when the darkness is over, I will still want you."
Jaiden gasped as he felt Toni's lips vibrate on his neck with each word.
"Let me be selfish... Say you'll give me everything. I want to comfort you in the difficult moments, and savor the good times together." Toni's lips brushed along Jaiden's skin as he spoke.
Jaiden felt his body heating up and pressed against Toni with a small cry.
Toni elevated himself a little and looked down at the flushed Jaiden. "You're beautiful." He whispered.
Jaiden wanted to cover his face, but Toni still held his hands down. "Toni..."
"Promise me... you'll let me have you." Toni urged.
Jaiden was quiet, unable to react. He experienced turbulent emotions while with Toni, like he was in a constant game of tug of war with his own heart.
Most relationships would progress through conversation and time spent together. But they were in an unusual circumstance because of the case. They spent too much time together as work partners and never took time to understand each other as lovers. They established that they had a relationship just the week before, but what did it mean? Jaiden, who had never been in a relationship, didn't know how to be a good partner, and that realization shook him.
Now that he was emotionally raw, he was questioning everything. But Toni soothed his anxiety with just a few words. It didn't matter if Jaiden was broken or felt like he was bad luck. He was desired nonetheless. It was a comforting feeling.
"You have me." Jaiden finally said, his face turning pink.
Toni grinned and kissed him, his lips hungry for Jaiden. His tongue took advantage of Jaiden's surprise and swept inside his mouth. There was no resistance on Jaiden's part. He was too swept away and could only release a moan. Toni was like a shot of whiskey, spiced caramel that heated your entire being.
"I'm a little inexperienced..." He breathlessly asked, fighting away the fog of lust.
Toni palmed Jaiden's hardening member, making him moan. "I think you know what you're doing, but I can show you some new things."
Jaiden bit back a laugh and replaced it with a wry look. "I know how to kiss and fuck."
Toni laughed at the response as he started to undress Jaiden. His fingers would trail along his skin, making him tremble. The anticipation was mind-numbing, but he wanted Toni to know where he stood in their relationship and remove all grey areas.
Toni kissed his bare chest. "Then what do you want to know."
"How to be a partner... a boyfriend..." he felt himself heat up and looked away again.
Toni gently ran his fingers down Jaiden's waist to his hips. "Is that what you want?"
"Yes." Jaiden whispered.
Toni smiled brightly. "You're perfect the way you are now."
"Don't placate me." Jaiden said between breaths, relishing the gentle touches.
Toni palmed Jaiden with one hand and teased his opening with the other. Jaiden bucked and cried out.
"I've already told you that all I need is trust. Your body already trusts me. Your heart needs to do the same." Toni said quietly.
Toni kissed his stomach and trailed down. Jaiden could feel himself throbbing with anticipation. "Fuck..." He hissed as Toni teased him. "How can you say something like that in this position?"
Toni rumbled with a laugh. "Because the view I have now is enchanting, mi sol. Your body makes me capable of writing sonnets and sinning at the same time."
Jaiden quivered when he felt Toni's breath brush against his sensitive skin. "And what new things were you going to show me?"
Toni grinned. "I'll have to get my cuffs."
Jaiden felt the absence of Toni's body as he disappeared. "Wait! Cuffs?!"
Toni was back within moments, handcuffs in hand. A heated look was trapped in his eyes, and Jaiden's words were caught in his throat.
"Hands above your head, mi sol." Toni ordered in a husky voice.
Jaiden bit his lip and obeyed, his hands stretched over his head and his body hardening with the new sensation.
He felt the cold bite his skin as Toni closed the cuffs around his wrists.
"Mierda. Me matas." He said with a groan before he was on top of Jaiden again.
The sun streamed through the window the next morning as an exhausted Jaiden laid across Toni's chest. His wrists had some bruising, but he didn't mind. His fingers trailed along Toni's muscles and brushed over the scars on his chest.
Toni chuckled. "You have always been curious about those scars, haven't you?"
"How did you know?"
"I caught you looking at them when we first slept together."
Jaiden grinned. "I thought maybe you were some gangster I would have to arrest sometime down the road. Who knew you would have me in cuffs instead?"
"Do I look that dangerous?" Toni asked with a snort.
Jaiden nodded. "Terribly dangerous..."
Toni picked up Jaiden's hand and kissed it. "It wasn't a big deal. I was working a case up in Denver for a string of gang-related murders. I went to investigate an abandoned warehouse based off of some feeble tip we received. I was only checking out the place, so I went without backup or my bulletproof vest."
He looked over and saw Jaiden's disgruntled look. He laughed a little and kissed the top of his head. "Don't give me that look. We had been running into walls the entire case, so I didn't expect anything to come from the investigation."
"We? Who the hell was your partner up there? Why would they allow you to go alone?"
Toni tensed for a moment. "His name was Xavier."
Jaiden frowned. "Fuck Xavier. You shouldn't have gone alone. I will never let you go somewhere alone."
Toni smiled and kissed Jaiden lightly. "The tip wasn't supposed to pan out the way that it did."
"Still, that was a risky move." Jaiden said with a sigh.
Toni touched the scars lightly. "I found that out the hard way. I thought that the worst thing in there would be some squatters. If I leave them alone, they would leave me alone. But I was careless. The squatters in that warehouse were really lookouts for the local gang. Some cracked out cabron had a gun. Got me pretty good."
"How long were you there by yourself." Jaiden asked quietly.
Ton's face fell a little. "A few hours. It wasn't something to take me down for good, so I was able to slow the bleeding and stumble out of there eventually."
"Motherfucker." Jaiden muttered. "And did your partner actually give you the courtesy of looking for you?"
Toni sighed a little but didn't say anything.
Jaiden pursed his lips. "I'm your partner now and you're not going to investigate anywhere alone, you know that, right?"
Toni chuckled. "I do."
Jaiden hummed while brushing along the scars. "I think I heard about that incident. The murders in Park Hill, right?"
Toni nodded.
Jaiden sighed. "The people at the station mentioned it, I just didn't link you to it... They said that you solved the case with three bullets embedded in your shoulder."
"It was miserable." Toni groaned. "Hurt like a bitch and those bastards were stubborn."
"Are they still offering you a position in Colorado?"
Toni nodded. "They still message me from time to time."
Jaiden tensed a little. When Toni first mentioned this weeks ago, he said that Jaiden could have been a reason to stay. Yet Jaiden felt uncomfortable and pressured. But now, he hoped that he really could be enough of a reason for Toni to decline the offer.
Jaiden felt the emptiness from the thought of Toni leaving. But he struggled because he also felt like a selfish bastard if he discouraged him from any career opportunity.
"What are your thoughts about it?" Jaiden asked quietly.
Toni shrugged. "I have some good reasons to stay."
Jaiden smiled a little. "Like what?"
"I'm pretty sure someone mentioned that New Mexican chile is the best." Toni's said with a laugh.
"That person is very wise. He is one hundred percent accurate." Jaiden smirked.
"There's a rich history here, as well as my family."
"Well, family is everything." Jaiden released a chuckle.
Toni turned and pinned Jaiden down on the bed. He gave him an intense look before kissing him.
"What are you doin?" Jaiden asked incredulously.
"Making sure you don't run away this time." Toni said.
"Run?"
Toni sighed and placed his forehead against him. "There's a good reason to stay in New Mexico in my bed right now."
Jaiden laughed, which took Toni back. Toni expected Jaiden to resist him. He knew it was a risk to insinuate that Jaiden was a major reason for him to turn down a job again.
He tilted his head in confusion. "Mi sol?"
"I better work hard to continue to convince you to stay, then." Jaiden said with a smile.
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Thank you everyone for waiting for this update!