/𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒\ [𝒔. 𝒃𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒌]

𝟕.𝟟.𝟣

"my love had grown one with my soul; it became darker, but did not go out." ~ Mikhail Lermontov

~january 1977~

Hogwarts was where Mary usually felt safest. It was her home, the place she could be most comfortable. But after winter holiday, there was some seismic shift in Gryffindor tower. Too much had changed in such a short time. She couldn't handle it. There was the Order, which she'd been thinking about nonstop ever since James's dramatic re-telling of their meeting with Dumbledore back in the Potter's living room. And then, there was Peter.

She'd slept with Peter.

She couldn't believe herself. Her best friend since she was eleven years old, and after one glass of wine she'd somehow come to the conclusion that she wanted to sleep with him. She loved him, yes, but after that night, things were different. They hadn't spoken since, not really. Peter was bad with confrontation, and Mary was the person he usually went to to sort out his emotions, but it felt like she wasn't much of an option anymore.

Mary had hardly gotten a word out to anyone since New Year's Eve. The rest of break had been a whirlwind of snowball fights at the Potters, going back to her parents' house, and making sure Marlene was doing alright with her breakup. To deal with her conflicting feelings about Peter, Mary did what she always did when she was having a hard time. She closed off into herself.

Nobody could figure out what was the matter with her. No matter how many times Lily asked if she was alright, or Artemis took her on long walks around the grounds to try and coax more than a one word answer out of her, or Marlene point blank asked what the hell was wrong with her, she couldn't get the words out. She needed to figure it out for herself before she confided in her friends.

Peter, on the other hand, was itching to tell someone. He knew he needed to be strategic about it, but his feelings were bursting from every seam of his mind, and he knew he couldn't keep quiet for long. He'd loved Mary for so long, and now she wouldn't talk to him. She wouldn't even look at him. He needed answers, he needed to know what was going on before his confusion got too overwhelming.

He knew he shouldn't, but he went to James.

~

James bounded down the stairs of the boys' dormitory and landed catlike on the floor of the common room. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet, his expression more readable than a children's book. He strode over to the table where Lily was studying and sat down, trying to keep his movements smooth but too excited to not fidget.

"Evans."

She didn't look up. "Potter."

"I have something I shouldn't tell you, but I want to."

She raised her eyebrows, but kept her eyes firmly trained on the textbook in front of her. "Oh?"

James reached out and swiped the textbook out from under her, stowing it on his lap and bouncing his legs in anticipation. She finally looked up, narrowing her eyes in an accusatory glare. "What the hell was that for?"

"I have something I want to tell you," he said in a singsong voice, "-But I shouldn't."

"For the love of Merlin, Potter, just fucking tell me."

His face split into a childish grin and he leaned forward conspiratorially. "So, remember when Mary and Peter disappeared on New Years' Eve?"

"Yes?"

"Well..."

~

Artemis, Lily, and Marlene all sat waiting in the girls' dormitory that evening. Marlene was ripping up polaroids of her and Dorcas while Artemis sat behind her with a muggle lighter, clicking it on and clicking it off over and over again. Lily sat up on her bed, watching the door.

At last, it opened, and Mary crept inside as if careful not to wake anyone. When she saw all three girls waiting up for her, she sighed and sat down on Lily's bed. "Some sort of intervention?"

Everyone was quiet for a second.

"You fucked, Mary!" Marlene cried at last, half-grinning.

Artemis burst out laughing and Lily gave her a scolding look. "Mary, you slept with Peter, why the hell didn't you tell us?" she asked, her voice gentle but her lips playing with a repressed smile.

Mary blushed and stared down at her hands, her heartbeat speeding up to unhealthy levels. "Yeah," she said at last, her voice barely audible. "Yeah, we slept together. But look- I dunno how I feel about it yet, that's why I didn't tell you."

"You told me you loved him," said Marlene, tilting her head and giving Mary a quizzical stare. "Was the sex bad or something?"

Mary shrugged. "The sex was fine, but I don't think I love him that way. I don't think I ever did. I don't think I've ever felt that for anyone."

"Never?" said Marlene.

Artemis nodded solemnly. "You've never been interested with anyone that I know of. Maybe you just... don't need that."

"Maybe I don't," Mary echoed. "I mean, it doesn't feel like I'm missing anything, you know? I just like the idea of being in love, but I don't actually want to be with anyone."

"You like the idea of platonic love," Lily said quietly. "And there's nothing wrong with that."

Mary leaned back to rest her head on Lily's shoulder. "Isn't there?"

"No," Artemis said almost defiantly. "There's nothing wrong with you, Mary. Just tell Peter you don't love him like that, but you do love him like a friend. That's all. You'll be alright. You'll figure it out."

"Yeah," Marlene said, setting a gentle hand on Mary's leg. "You'll figure it all out, love."

~

The harshness of the winter did nothing to stop James from holding quidditch practices in preparation for the upcoming season. The team came storming in one afternoon, all seven of them shivering uncontrollably and sopping wet. James shook his hair out like a dog and tossed himself onto his usual chair, nearly knocking Lily from the armrest.

"Shit!" he said, reaching out a hand to stable her. "Didn't see you there, Evans, what're you doing?"

Lily couldn't keep herself from smiling. "Art and Sirius have been at it for hours-" she said, gesturing to the intense game of exploding snap happening in the middle of the ring of couches and chairs. James raised his eyebrows at them, then turned back to Lily.

"They both need a hobby."

She grinned. "But this way we get free entertainment."

Marlene joined them a moment later, wringing her hair out and trying to ignore Emmeline rambling just behind her.

"That save you made, I mean- it was brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! You know, I bet you could play professionally if you wanted- have you thought about what you're going to do after school? You should think about playing professionally. I'm thinking about it, and McGonagall said I might be able to if I keep my score average where it is now, but I'll need a fall-back plan and there's really nothing else I enjoy doing, if you know what I mean-"

"Bloody hell, Em," Marlene said, finally turning to face her. "Look, I'm sort of going through something right now, so a little peace and quiet would be much appreciated."

And with that, she stormed upstairs leaving Emmeline cold and soggy, staring after her.

James and Lily exchanged a look, then James reached out to touch Emmeline's arm lightly. "Hey, she's just not over Dorcas yet, Em. Don't take it personally. Come on, have some cocoa with us, alright?"

Emmeline stared after Marlene for a second longer, then shrugged and gave James a sad half-smile. "No, it's alright. I think I'm going to get a shower anyways. Fucking brutal practice, Potter."

James shrugged the comment off and went back to watching Sirius and Art's game. "Padfoot, she's beating the shit out of you."

"I beat her at chess earlier," Sirius said through gritted teeth, focused on the game.

"No, you didn't," said Artemis, smiling and not taking her eyes off of her cards. "I let you win."

James chuckled, then looked back up at Lily. She was so close to him, her arm kept brushing into his shoulder. Her legs were tucked up on the arm of the chair and he couldn't see how she could be comfortable, but she looked relaxed, a content smile resting on her lips.

He watched her until she looked down at him and knitted her eyebrows together. "What?" she asked, suddenly self-aware.

James hesitated for a long moment. Then, finally, he took a deep breath. Fuck it. "D'you want to go to Hogsmeade with me tonight?" he asked, not making eye contact. "I need a break from the castle."

"Oh, please," she said at once, not missing a beat. "I need a break from all these N.E.W.T. study sessions. We'll use your cloak?"

"Absolutely."

"Great, meet you back here at seven."

She got up and strode towards the stairs, not looking back at him. James stared after her, questioning whether or not he'd just scored himself a date with the girl he'd loved since he was eleven.

~

James pulled the cloak from his and Lily's heads as soon as they were alone on the main street of Hogsmeade. They'd been standing close together so the cloak would fit over both of them, and neither of them stepped away once it was off. James shook snowflakes from his hair and looked down at Lily. She was shivering.

"Come on, let's get inside," he said, holding open the door of the Hog's Head and ushering her in. "You get a seat, I'll get drinks."

She took a table in the corner by the window and James joined her a moment later with two steaming mugs of butterbeer. She took hers and warmed her lips against the cup, her shoulders still shivering ever so slightly. "I hope winter ends soon," she said softly.

"It's January, Evans, we've still got some time," said James, a bitter note to his voice. "Dunno how I'm going to keep the team from mutiny if we keep practicing in this."

She smiled. "Just win us the house championship and they'll all forgive you."

"Let's hope so," he said, catching her eye for a moment and then looking away. "But we're leaving school anyway, so what does it really matter?"

"Don't talk like that," said Lily, suddenly serious. "Of course it matters, it matters to the school."

His eyes met hers again and he didn't look away this time. He gazed steadily at her, his fingers tapping restlessly on his mug. "Do you ever think..." he said, trailing off.

"Think what?"

"That maybe all of this is for nothing. Quidditch, N.E.W.T.s, classes, detentions, all that. I mean, don't we have bigger things to worry about now? The Order, the war, everything we're going to have to deal with in a few months."

Lily shook her head without hesitation. "It all matters," she said solemnly. "All of it. If you don't make time for the things that don't seem as important- the things that make you happy- you'll be fucking miserable for the rest of your life."

"It just feels wrong in a way," said James. It was rare that Lily saw him this serious. "To spend all this time doing stupid kid things when we know what's really going on."

"But James, we're still kids," Lily said, setting a gentle hand on his arm. "And we'll deal with everything that's really going on once we get out of school, but for now... there's not much we can do. And you'll drive yourself mad if you keep convincing yourself you can do more than is actually possible."

There was a beat of silence, and James sipped his butterbeer pensively. When he looked back over at Lily, he was smiling again. "YOu're right, as always, Evans."

"You buy me a drink just for my profound wisdom?" she said, laughing.

"Profound wisdom or not, I'd still buy you a drink."

When they stepped outside into the cold again, James shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it around Lily's shoulders. She gave him a quizzical look and he merely smiled. "Can't let our head girl freeze to death. Dunno what that would do for the image of the school."

"What about our head boy?"

"Ah, he'll live." James tilted his head back to stare up at the misty sky above, snowflakes drifting down and resting on his face before melting away. "Want to go back?"

Lily hesitated for a moment. "No," she said at last. "No, let's keep walking."

"Fine by me."

They turned down a side street and Lily glanced up at James, his eyes still turned towards the sky. She stared at him for a long moment. A few freckles still scattered across his face from the summer before and his glasses were partially askew, but his eyes were clear blue. His hair was messy in the best way, and Lily smiled to herself at the thought of him messing it up purposely just to look stupidly windswept. He was an idiot. He annoyed her more than anyone else. He didn't know when to shut up. But he was her favorite person in the entire world.

She slipped her arm through his and hugged herself close to his side. James felt like his life flashed before his eyes for a second. It couldn't be happening- there was no way.

But when he turned to her, her eyes were filled with an affection he'd never seen before in his life. He leaned down and with his free hand, brushed her hair back from her neck. She closed her eyes.

~

Artemis was only half asleep when Lily crawled into bed beside her. She let out a soft groan and turned to face her friend, blinking blearily. "Lils, why're you so cold?"

Lily was still wearing James's coat, and she hugged it tighter around her shoulders before nestling her head into the pillow. Her eyes closed gently and a little contented smile crept over her lips. "I just kissed James."

Artemis was fully awake in mere seconds. "You what?!"