086
Her pledged quick shower took a total of ten minutes, including her five-minute change in his bathroom right after she got out and dried herself off.
Fifteen minutes wasn't too bad.
Normally she would be stationary for a solid six minutes, simply standing under the running water, allowing her tabulated thoughts to inherit her mind.
Doing that in a shower that wasn't hers didn't seem too fitting, especially when Jungkook was waiting for his turn.
The condensation on the mirror slowly reduced, turning the vent on to help rid of the moisture in the air, clearing out the stuffy ambiance before allowing Jungkook to use his bathroom.
Devora traced out of there, closing the door behind her and continuing her stride down the hallway, reaching for Jungkook's bedroom.
Her goal was to get a fulfilling rest, to try and sleep in a bed that wasn't hers.
She switched the light off, shut the door, and finally got in bed.
Devora sighed in relief, her heartbeat slightly picked up in speed after all the moving around she did.
There was a window above his desk area, with the blinds almost turned shut, the angle it rested at allowed the brilliant stars to keep the room just barely illuminated.
The shadow of the whistling trees were shaded above the two closest doors, putting her in a weary trance, watching the branches of leaves billow back and forth with such tranquility.
Devora heard the pelting water turn on, meaning Jungkook was taking his long-awaited shower.
She put the fleece blanket up to her nostrils, taking in the imperceptible scent of detergent, sluiced with a certain smell that was close to the one that emitted off Jungkook.
With the running water that somehow serenaded her ears and the pleasant fragrance of the blankets, she couldn't say for certain when exactly she dozed off.
It had felt as though she slept for a mere five minutes.
There was this spontaneous impulse that poked at her to wake up.
Her eyes shot open, being faced with the dresser pressed up against the wall.
Her right hand was under her head, with her other hand hanging over the edge of the bed.
Instantly, she collected herself, sitting up from the sheets with the blanket sheathing up her shoulders — trying to defy the insensitive cold in the room.
Devora exhaled, dropping the blanket as her hands went up to her eyes, rubbing away the grim exhaustion.
"What time is it?" She mumbled to herself, looking over at her phone that sat on his desk.
She sighed, reaching over for it.
Though her brain was yet to load and compile her surroundings, she discovered it was four in the morning
Despite learning how early in the morning it was, Devora wasn't drowsy, or too tired to keep her eyes open.
It was as though she was shocked wide away, unable to get comfortable again and fall asleep.
She grumbled in aggravation, rummaging her fingers through her knotted hair strands.
'What the hell am I supposed to do?' She looked around the room, her back resting against the headboard. 'Jungkook always wakes up early... maybe he's awake?'
"Maybe." Her voice came out a soft whisper.
She sniffled, throwing her legs out from under the blanket and reaching for the floor.
Though she donned sweats and a long sleeve to bed to keep her warm, she couldn't help but shiver at the cold touch of the wooden floor, surreptitiously wrapping her arms over her chest, palms rubbing up and down her sleeves for some heated friction.
It was abnormal for her to wake up at a random period of the night, usually, she would enter deep sleep and wouldn't wake up again until it was time to get ready for work.
Devora took it as a sign.
She was woken up for a reason.
Carefully, she rotated the knob, opened the door, and stepped out into the cold hallway.
The balls of her feet swiftly sped walk toward the living room, praying that he was awake, but at the same time, hoping he was still deep in his reverie.
His long body was sprawled above the couch, barely fitting on the sofa, having to use the arms for his feet.
He was faced toward the coffee table, one of his arms was under the pillow, sticking out towards the table, while the other remained near his chest.
Devora reached closer to him, catching a glimpse of him. His cheek was smooshed against the comfortable pillow, with his lips slightly separated.
Her lips bucked, elation tugging at the corners to see that he was relaxed, and peacefully sleeping.
The blanket was slumped over his torso, his upper body exposed, falling to the frigid weather.
She walked over to him, prudent not to make any noise that would possibly rouse him.
Her fingers tugged on the fluffy blanket, pulling upwards to his chest and covering his once revealed body.
Her body flinched away when she heard him mumble something in his sleep, his arms shifting around, and adjusting himself into a better sleep position.
She shook her head, disgruntled with her cretinous actions.
"Seriously, what am I doing?" Scoffing, her fingers interlaced with one another.
Devora took another look at him, his chest now facing the ceiling, his eyes shut delicately.
"Okay, I'll be going back to bed, too." She muttered, her icicles for fingers taking shelter under her arms.
He appeared to be relaxed and so peaceful, it quite literally brought her back to his arms again.
She wanted to rest with him, to feel his generous arms around her smaller body, to finally put an end to her ridiculous guard, and learn to forgive him.
It was evident he still meant something to her, still finding it in her heart to tend to him and make sure he was okay.
She reached his room, quietly shutting the door behind her, and leaning against it. She latched her eyes shut, self-deprecated, and resentful of herself.
"Why did I agree to stay here?" Devora pondered aloud, both her hands attaching themselves to her head, rubbing the sudden pounding headache.
She switched the light on, dropping her hands.
Her eyes were puffy with the dreary fatigue that had unexpectedly descended above her.
Tired of being so foolishly dithered and ambivalent about what she wanted.
Did she want to be with him?
If she didn't want him any longer — like what she recited over and over in her mind — then why would she ever agree to stay with him?
She missed him, and that truth voyaged her intellect day and night.
She looked over at the black dresser, her eyebrows crossing paths when she saw the top drawer was slightly open.
Was that open before she went to bed?
Her fingertips traced the top of the shelf, stepping in front of it.
She regarded three framed photos above the dresser.
One on the left was a casual family photo, while the one placed in the middle was a group photo of the members, Jungkook posed between Jimin and Hoseok.
Devora felt the corner of her eyes crease, touched by their endearing friendship.
Her inquisitive eyes pushed along, trailing over to the last framed photo on the right corner of the drawer.
She profoundly blinked, her heart dropping down to her stomach, creating this sensation that she had never experienced before.
Her hand found itself against her heart, while her left hand grabbed onto the frame, eyelids fluttering as if she was trying to recorrect her vision.
It was a photo of the two of them, taken on a patch of lush vibrant grass. Jungkook's lips attached themselves to her squished cheek, while she smiled at the camera with closed eyes.
Devora had never seen a photo of herself where she appeared to be genuinely happy.
Those were mostly taken with her cousin, Adele.
She released a chortle, unable to believe he still had frames of them up.
There was something inside her that was pleased to see he still had them up.
She had taken hers down, they were simply too much to look at, throwing them in her closet to keep them hidden.
She set the frame down, imitating the way it was placed before she went and grabbed it.
Devora looked over at his computer area, looking to see if she could find more photos of the two of them.
She couldn't believe she missed them the first time she walked into his room. They were right in front of her, almost as if he wanted her to see them, in hopes it would remind her that he wasn't over her.
There was one more placed right behind the computer screen, near the mouse, almost hidden from guests.
Once more, she reached for it.
However, she caught a glimpse of something beside the leg of the frame.
A white folded paper, with imprinted marks of black ink traced on it.
Devora turned over her shoulder, making sure that the door was still shut.
She turned her attention back to the piece of paper, grabbing it.
It was wrong to snoop around his room, to this, she knew. Yet, her curious appetite pushed her to her limit, wanting to see more of his room after the two framed photos he still had of them.
Devora took a deep breath in, preparing herself for whatever may be written on that paper.
Her trembling hands unfolded it.
There revealed another piece of paper that was folded along the crease of the top one. There seemed to be more writing on the second folded one compared to the first one above it.
She decided to read the shorter one first, putting the folded one down on the desk, holding the paper with both her hands.
I'm afflicted with rue by the use of your name. It forms smolder in the trench of my chest each time it rolls off my tongue, my lips burning at the edges. The same lips you once used to kiss.
- Jeon Jungkook
Her breathing stifled, rereading his writing over and over again until it stuck to her brain as a recited Shakespeare play.
Her eyes watered, influenced by his perforating and transparent words. An arrow pierced right through her hammering heart, making her clutch her shirt, biting her tongue as the misery sprawled throughout her aching body.
She had a trench in her chest, too.
His name conveyed a burning sensation to her lips, too.
Devora folded the note back up, done with the impairment feelings that plunged on her shoulders, the pain screaming in her ears, trapping deep inside her, creating fresh creases in her wounds.
She went for the other note, checking over her shoulder once more before turning the paper, following the many folds it had.
Her hand rubbed against her nose, sniffling as her eyes swam in their own tears.
The writing on this paper was a bit messier, the script seemed rushed like he didn't have enough time to write it all out at once.
It read,
I'm looking at her, getting farther away.
She becomes a small dot and then disappears.
Will this go away after time passes?
I remember the old times,
I remember you.
Her dark brown eyes scattered against the writing, trying her best to read it, and not let the water in her eyes hinder her vision.
On days where the thin rain falls like today
I remember your shadow
Our memories that I secretly put in my drawer
I take them out and reminisce again by myself
Why didn't I know
It finished there.
He must have been interrupted in the middle of it all, or he lost his flow of pensive thinking.
"What- what the fuck... why would he just leave this here?" Her hands grabbed onto both letters, voice caught in the back of her throat.
"It's like- like he wanted me to read them or something." She put the long letter in the shorter one, following the placement before she poked through them.
She knew he still loved her and that he was affected by the breakup just as much as she was.
Though her care for him was as transparent as clear glass, did she still have it in her to admit she still loved him?
It was all so much.
The endearing pictures, and the notes.
Devora kept checking over her shoulder, paranoid he would wake up and find her prying through his letters and photos.
She let out a deep sigh that depicted her level of disarray, reaching her hand over the mouse to put the letters back where she found them.
Suddenly, the computer screen turned on.
The sudden bright light made her eyes flinch shut, her body slightly jarring to the side of the bed dramatically, which created a muffled sound from the contact, smashing through the quiet room with its seemingly ferocious impact.
Devora held her breath, hand pushed against her mouth, praying that Jungkook was a heavy sleeper.
She waited a moment, counting to five before releasing the hand from her mouth, immediately reaching down for her leg that had jammed against the bed — rubbing away the discomfort.
She decided it was time to rest, and think about her decisions in bed.
Devora hovered over the desk, shaking the mouse awake to try and shut off the computer.
She puffed air through her lips, causing the hair near her mouth to bolt. "Okay okay, let's just shut this off and get to bed."
Her eyes scrambled, looking for the option to shut it off.
"Umm..." Devora mumbled in perplexity, unable to see clearly without her contacts.
She planted her elbow on the wood, head drawing close to the screen to reread the file placed on the right side of the lower screen.
"No fucking way." Devora gossiped to herself.
The file was out in the open for practically any person — who used his computer — to see it.
It was labeled so bluntly and straightforward.
To Devora.
Again, she turned over her left shoulder.
As before, the door was still closed.
She chewed her lip, giving careful thought about her actions, and what she was going to do.
Whatever was on the file, obviously had to do with her.
So, in a way, she had a right to know what it was about, didn't she?
Yeah, that made sense.
What if Jungkook woke up? He always woke up early to work out.
She sucked in her breath reading that it was only four-thirty.
Devora groaned, hair in between her fist as she plotted.
Without another thought, she pushed all her doubts past her, double-clicking the mysterious icon.
It opened a small tab that was almost a full black screen. There was a rewind symbol as well as the fast-forward one, with the same play button standing in the middle.
At the top, it read Still With You.
It was a song.
'A song... for me?' Her thoughts trailed off, looking around for some headphones, something that she could use to listen to the song secretively.
She decided to lower the volume on the computer, to a level that was loud enough for her to catch the lyrics, but not loud enough for somebody outside the room to hear.
In her case, this somebody was Jungkook.
She pulled the chair out from the desk for a comfortable seat, hovering the cursor above the play button.
Devora took a deep breath in, holding in her trepidation and anxiety.
She exhaled those grueling sentiments, finally clicking play.
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