She couldn't sleep.
Most nights Caroline fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow thanks to the combination of working herself past the point of exhaustion and the steady warmth from Darry's side of the bed. But tonight, she couldn't sleep. Her ribs didn't hurt too bad, just the occasional twinge here and there when she reached her arms up to grab a plate on a higher shelf.
It had been a week since Helen Montgomery was laid to rest and it had been a week since Caroline last slept properly.
She sat up slowly, glancing over her shoulder to check and ensure that Darry was still fast asleep. Guilt clawed at her chest at the thought of everything he was doing for her. He looked dead on his feet every night he got home from work, especially now since the winter was fading into spring and the roofing industry was picking up. But he never complained and instead he greeted her with a kiss, a ruffle to Ponyboy's and Louise's hair, and a high five to Teddy.
Caroline knew she needed to return to work and was already scheduled to start again in two days, something that Darry protested vehemently. Her ribs weren't fully healed and he didn't want her anywhere near skates. But she couldn't just sit around the house all day when he was already strapped for cash.
She slid on slippers and made her way out of the bedroom, heading down the hall to the other bedroom. Caroline peeked her head in and relaxed just slightly when she saw that Teddy and Louise were fast asleep. Next, she carefully stepped into the living room where Ponyboy was sprawled out on the couch, his blanket thrown onto the ground. Caroline draped the knit blanket over him and then stepped back, trying to think of something that would occupy her mind and not wake anyone up.
Her eyes strayed to the second pair of keys that hung from the wall next to Darry's. Helen's car was now Caroline's and aside from the few times she used it to pick up and drop off the kids at school, she had rarely driven it. It was parked out front behind Darry's truck, collecting dust.
Caroline grabbed the keys and carefully opened the front door and the screen door, wincing slightly when the screen door squeaked on its hinges. She closed the doors behind her and wrapped her cardigan around her as she stepped down from the porch. Her breath curled up in a visible puff in the cold midnight air. Caroline ran her hand along the hood of Helen's car and hesitated before she climbed in the driver's seat and started it up.
Her mind took her to her house. Caroline eased the car to a stop in the dirt driveway and she turned it off, staring up at the crooked shutters and chipped paint. Her feet carried her into the house where an unearthly, eerie silence met her once she unlocked the door and pushed it open.
Caroline flipped the lights and grimaced at the sight before her. It truly was a crime scene. Her eyes remained fixed on the three large puddles of dried blood on the floor. The more she stared at it, the angrier she felt. This was her home. This was supposed to be her chance at freedom. Freedom from fear, freedom from anxiety, freedom from the hell that Robert Montgomery had put her and Helen through for years.
And he ripped that away too.
Caroline shrugged off her sweater, tossing it on the coffee table, and started to shove the couch. Her mind ran on autopilot as she forced all the furniture off of the rug. Caroline kneeled down and started to roll the rug up, her ribs aching in protest. Sweat beaded on her forehead and she wiped it away with the back of her hand before continuing. She dragged the rug over towards the front door and then moved to the kitchen to grab a bucket and fill it with warm water and soap along with a few rags.
On her hands and knees, Caroline scrubbed at the blood stains dried on the hardwood. The more she scrubbed, the harder the tears fell from her eyes. No matter how hard she scrubbed and how red the water became, she could still see the blood on the floor. Her hands trembled as she gripped the sponge and dragged it across the floor. Her vision blurred and Caroline sat up, throwing the sponge into the soapy water.
"Damnit!" she screamed. "Damnit, damnit, damnit all to hell."
"Montgomery?"
She whirled around at the sound of her name, her hands raised instinctively to block any blow that came at her. Caroline lowered her hands once she realized that she recognized them.
"Curly, what the hell are you doin' here? Bout damn near scared me half to death."
"I'm sorry. I was walking by and saw the lights were on. Thought someone was breakin' in."
She nodded in understanding and let her head fall. His shoes squeaked on the floor as he shuffled over to join her. Curly kneeled down across from her, the discarded sponge in his hand, and started scrubbing at the blood.
"Just leave it," she muttered. "Ain't gonna help none."
He ignored her and kept scrubbing. Caroline watched as slowly but surely, the blood washed out of the floor. Curly silently kept cleaning, but an unspoken question still hung in the air.
"Darry asked me to marry 'im," she said softly.
"Don't see a ring on your finger."
"You know well why I can't say yes."
He nodded curtly. "How'd he take it?"
Caroline let out a quiet laugh, void of feeling, and shook her head. "He keeps askin', thinkin' I'm gonna change my mind."
Curly started to dry the floor with a rag. "Why do you say no? I mean, I know why, but he ain't gonna stop."
"My ma...Soda...I can't lose him too."
"He'd be in 'Nam, Caroline. Not dead."
"Ain't that the same thing?"
A low, humorless chuckle escaped him and he sat back on his heels. "Curtis would rather die overseas than see you suffer anymore. You know that, right?"
Caroline raised her chin up, her eyes staring at the ceiling above her in an attempt to stop the tears that threatened to course down her cheeks. She knew he was right and it scared her so much. She wasn't deserving of this. Her hands were stained with blood, figuratively and literally. She couldn't protect her family when they needed her most. How could she be loved? Be a wife?
Caroline would be selfish to say yes. She would hate herself for all of eternity if she married him. Because who was she to take away the only thing protecting him from the draft?
"You and Curtis got some stuff to talk about. Lemme drive you home," Curly said. He stood and extended a hand down to her. Caroline clasped her hand in his and let him hoist her up. Home. Wasn't she standing in her home? How long had it stopped being her home?
"Curly..." Caroline hesitated. "Thank you."
The younger boy appeared surprised. But he was even more thrown off when she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a hug. He stiffened, unsure about the contact. It had been so long since anyone had ever hugged him like that. But then he sank into her touch, wrapping his arms around her. Caroline was only a few years older than him, but she felt more like a mother than he had ever experienced before.
Tim had said it quietly one night when Caroline was still in the hospital. The Montgomery's were under the protection of the Curtis and the Shepard gang. No one would lay a finger on Caroline or her siblings ever again.
Darry looked up from the paper when she entered the house. Coffee brewed on the stove and filled the air with its heady, welcoming scent. Caroline stopped in the doorway and stared at him, her big brown eyes filled with conflicting emotions.
"Ponyboy said he could make breakfast today," he explained. "Let's go clean you up."
She followed him silently into the bathroom and didn't protest when his strong hands settled on her hips, hoisting her up onto the counter. He dampened a cloth and dragged it across her blood streaked skin. Darry was methodical and slow and every bit careful in his movements.
"We gotta talk about it, Dare," she whispered. His broad shoulders slumped inwards with his sigh and he nodded.
"I never should have blamed you for anything, sweet girl. I was so wrapped up in my own pride and frustration and I took it out on you. I'm a fuckin' fool, Caroline Marie. I told you to get out of my house and I made you cry and I can't live with myself knowing that I wasn't there when you needed me most. I can't ask you to forgive me when I've hurt you so bad. I don't deserve your forgiveness."
Caroline stilled his hands and flipped them over, exposing his palms. She bent her head down to press a delicate kiss to the lines of his palm and then she raised one of his hands to rest on her cheek. He cradled her face and stroked his thumb across her cheekbone.
"I don't blame you," she admitted. "I blame myself. I vowed to protect my family and I failed. I saw her die, Darry, and there was nothing I could have done to save her and it's eating me alive. I can't live in that house. I can't walk by that spot everyday. But I can't stay here forever because I can't marry you."
"To hell with the war," he said fiercely. "To hell with what the town thinks. The Lord knows I love you. That has to mean something, right?"
Equally glassy gazes clashed and her lips trembled as she suppressed her tears. "I love you so much, Darrel Shaynne, and that's why I can't say yes. Ponyboy's only got two more years and so they'll consider me his guardian, not you. You'll lose your draft protection, Dare. I can't let that happen. I can't lose you."
He pulled her close, his forehead pressing against hers. "I can't lose you either, Care. I can provide for you more if we're married."
"If it weren't for this war. If only it was another time."
"I'd find you." His blue eyes met hers once more. "No matter the year or place, I'd find you. I'd come lookin' for you."
Two tears slipped down her cheeks and she pressed a kiss to the corner of his lips. "You promise?"
"I promise."