This was insane. This was complete madness. Kurapica was walking back and forth in the foyer on the first floor, clenching and unclenching his fists as he thought himself into a frenzy. That man, that man! First, he had hinted, touched a little, but it had been easy to write it off. Then came the kiss, and since then, since then, Kurapica's thoughts had been just whirling 'round and 'round in a constant cycle of frustration and confusion. When Kuroro had fallen off of the cliff, Kurapica should have felt elated, happy, relieved. But those feelings hadn't come until he'd seen the man alive and well. It was all backwards now. All completely backwards, and Kurapica was certain that this was what the Spider head had planned from the beginning. He'd been so distraught over the sudden turn his emotions had taken that he had refused to even look at the other man after that.
And then, Kuroro had touched him. Really touched him, in a way no one had ever done before. It should have felt gross, should have felt awful. But it had felt so good, so good and now? Now he felt humiliated. And ashamed. He didn't know how to face the older man, dvidn't know how to find the courage to go back up again. But he had to. Eventually, he would have to get back up there. He'd done many things that he felt ashamed of in his quest to reclaim the stolen Scarlet Eyes – stolen by this very man, he reminded himself sternly – many things he hoped no one else would ever know he had done. This was just one more. He could do this. He could go back up there, and treat this as something unimportant. A small price to pay to get the Eyes back. He could do this.
Like hell.
Kuroro looked up when Kurapica returned, but he thankfully didn't say anything. The blond couldn't even meet his eyes. He made his way to one of the bed quietly and slipped under the cover, fully dressed. There was no way he was going to remove his clothes or change to sleep. Not after what had just happened between Kuroro and him. No way. He turned his back on the older man and heard a page turn. The bastard didn't even look flustered. He was just sitting there, reading, as if he hadn't just – he didn't just – he wasn't –
Kurapica couldn't even think it.
The blond listened to the steady sound of pages turning every few minutes. He didn't think he would be able to sleep. Not when he was this aware of the man behind him, of the sounds coming from him, of his presence in the room. He felt so tense, his entire back and shoulders hurt. He didn't think he could ever fall asleep like this. But he did, eventually.
He came awake when the smell of coffee roused him. He had been dreaming, but he wasn't sure what the dream was about anymore. He raked his hand through his hair. Kuroro appeared beside his bed and wordlessly handed him a cup of coffee. Kurapica accepted it gratefully, but he didn't trust himself to look at the man just yet. He took a sip and ran a hand through his hair again. “Thank you,” he finally said. He knew he was blushing, but there was very little he could do to prevent it.
Kuroro paused next to him. Kurapica tried to focus on his coffee so he wouldn't have to look at him. The silence got heavier and heavier. Finally, Kuroro asked, “Are you angry?”
Kurapica thought about it for a moment. “I'm confused,” he finally said, honestly enough. “Can I... ask you for something?”
A rustle of clothes and Kuroro sat on the bed next to him. “Go ahead,” he prompted.
Kurapica took a moment to gather his thought. “I don't... really understand your reasoning,” he finally said. “It makes very little sense to me. When you, when you touched me, I, ah...” He cleared his throat. “I just couldn't think. And I need to think right now. I really, really need to put my thoughts in order.” He saw Kuroro nod from his peripheral vision. “Next week,” he began, then hesitated. “Next week, my friends are getting together in Zaban city. I'd really, I'd really like to go and see them.”
“You want to go alone?” Kuroro asked, studying Kurapica's face intently. “You're asking me to take quite a risk, here.”
Kurapica nodded. “I know.” He licked his lips, trying to find a way to convince the older man to let him go. “Letting me go wouldn't be the smartest thing to do, under the circumstances. But I really need this right now.” He hesitated. “Please,” he finally added, though it cost him a lot to say that one little word.
Kuroro regarded him in silence for some time. Kurapica's heart sank. He was pretty certain that the older man would never let him go. Finally, Kuroro said, “Look at me.” His voice was soft, not authoritative in the least, but Kurapica found himself turning to face him automatically. He didn't even hesitate. One moment, he was fixing his coffee mug, the next, he was looking into Kuroro's midnight eyes. The Spider head regarded him in silence for some time, searching his eyes, as if he was trying to read Kurapica's thoughts. Then, he said, “Kiss me.”
Kurapica blinked, his cheeks getting slightly warmer. “You want me to, to kiss you?” Kuroro nodded. The blond thought about it for a moment, then asked, “If I do, will you let me go?”
Kuroro regarded him in silence for another tense moment. “If I see no indication that you intend to break your promise to me,” he finally said.
“That's not very encouraging,” Kurapica said, looking away. “You could just arbitrarily decide that I look like I'm going to run and prevent me from going.”
“I could,” the Spider head replied. “But I won't. Not unless I have a very good reason to.”
Kurapica took a sip of coffee, trying to think of what to say or do. “I'm not sure I should believe you,” he finally replied.
“That's up to you,” Kuroro said easily. He reached out and placed two fingertips onto Kurapica's cheek, letting them slide down gently. “You don't have to believe me or trust me.”
Kurapica sighed and finished his coffee. Then he placed the empty cup on the end table. He rubbed the fingers of his right hand onto his palm lightly a few times. Then he breathed in, breathed out, and closed the distance between them. His lips brushed against Kuroro's for just a moment before he pulled away. Kuroro's hand buried into his golden hair and he angled Kurapica's head up, pressing their lips more firmly together. Kurapica made a soft, surprised little gasp and felt Kuroro's fingers tighten in his hair. Then the Spider head's tongue was licking at his lips gently and Kurapica's hands flew to the older man's shoulder to clutch at his shirt. The room started spinning. His heart was hammering in his chest. When Kuroro pushed his tongue in his mouth, Kurapica heard a soft whimper and was appalled to realize it came from him. Kuroro's arm snaked around the back of his waist and he pulled him closer. Kurapica wasn't sure he could even remember how to breathe.
Suddenly, his hands raked up to tangle into the soft black hair. He felt too hot, felt too cold, everything was spinning and his entire world seemed focused on the slide of Kuroro's tongue against his. Kuroro pulled at his waist again, and suddenly Kurapica found himself straddling the older man's lap. He groaned softly, and the sound brought him back to his senses. He suddenly pushed himself away, scrambling off Kuroro's lap, eyes wide, cheeks flushed. The look in Kuroro's eyes, the naked hunger and want that he saw there sent his hands shaking and his heart hammering. Kuroro got up and turned away from him.
There was a long, awkward moment. Then Kuroro said, “When we we're across the mountains, I'll buy you a plane ticket.” He went over to his luggage and pulled some clothes out. “I'm going to shower now. When I'm done, we'll leave.”
Kurapicanodded, though the older man wasn't looking at him. Once Kuroro had closed the bathroom door behind himself, he raked one, then both hands through his hair. He forced his breathing to return to normal. Then he served himself another cup of coffee and went around the room to get all of their things together. When Kuroro finally stepped out of the bathroom, hair dry in prevision of the cold temperature outside, Kurapica still couldn't look at his face. They bought some food off of the innkeeper to last them a few days. Kuroro estimated that coming out on the eastern side of the Sakagi mountain range would take them another two or three days at most. They walked in silence the entire day, stopping only for lunch and again for the night. Both of them were too preoccupied for conversation.
Kurapica knew why he was lost in thoughts, but he wasn't sure why Kuroro was equally silent. A few times, he caught the older man observing him thoughtfully. He wasn't sure what to make of it. He felt a bit like a cryptogram that Kuroro was trying to crack. That night, they slept sitting close to each other. It was cold, but there was no way Kurapica was going to sit on his lap again. Not when even just the warmth of the old man against his arm made him think of the previous night, of Kuroro's hand on him, around him, touching him so intimately. Just the thought made his cheeks grow warm. It took him a long time for him to fall asleep.
He woke up with his head on Kuroro's shoulder. He straightened up. Kuroro's eyes snapped open. Kurapica pushed himself to his feet and stretched. When he glanced down, Kuroro's dark eyes were on him, making his chest constrict. He cleared his throat and looked away. Kuroro got up wordlessly and retrieved some food from their luggage. They ate as they walked, impatient to get out of the mountains. They only stopped again that night. They had made good way and were steadily going down now. There no longer was snow on the ground. It was still cold, but Kurapica didn't think he needed to stick to the older man's side anymore. He slept a short distance away. They awoke at dawn and took the time to eat breakfast before leaving. The temperature got steadily warmer as they walked lower in altitude. Sometime in the afternoon, Kurapica paused to remove one of his warmer layers. Kuroro did the same. After that, they took layers off steadily as the temperature got warmer and warmer. When they stopped for the night in a forest of evergreens, they were down to just a regular shirt and a jacket each. They lit a fire, since there was plenty of wood around, and ate in silence.
Once they had eaten, they sat across from each other, still lost in though. The fire burned down to embers that glowed red and gold, one log dark now, save for speckles of orange. It looked like a dragon slumbering over his treasure, a bed of gold glittering in the warmth of the sleeping beast. Kuroro got up and threw another log in, shattering the illusion as flames raised up anew to lick at the brittle bark. Kurapica looked up as the Ryodan leader sat down again on an old tree trunk across the fire from him and leaned forward to put his elbows on his knees and his hands, clasped together, under his chin. He had been keeping his hair down for the most part when they were just the two of them, and that, coupled with his large, unreadable eyes, made him appear much younger.
“How old are you anyway?” the blond asked, his voice soft, so as to not shatter the tranquillity of the night. He knew Kuroro would hear him.
The man in question cocked his head and grinned a little. That did not help him look any older or more imposing. “Mm,” he began, eyeing the Kuruta over the fire. “I'm going to turn 27 shortly.”
Kurapica nodded, studying the older man by the orange glow of their campfire.“I thought you were older,” he commented. “Before I saw your fake corpse, I mean.”
The man had a small smile at that.“Too young to be a criminal?” he asked.
“And now you're a tad too old to be hitting on a teenager,” Kurapica sent back, amused in spite of himself..
The older man's smile never wavered. “You're legal,” he said with a shrug. “And not uninterested.” Kurapica shrugged with only his right shoulder and looked away. The man had a point, and he knew it anyway. “I have to say,” the Ryodan leader began, then he paused, waiting until Kurapica had turned his way once more. “I have to say I have never met a man of your calibre.”
“Are you trying to flatter me now?” Kurapica asked, a tad colder than he meant to.
Kuroro shrugged. “I am simply stating facts,” he answered easily. The glow of the fire reflected in his unblinking eyes, making him look eerie and somewhat otherworldly. A moment passed in silence, disturbed only by the soft crackling noise of their campfire.
“I have to admit,” Kurapica finally said, sending him a small, crooked and somewhat bitter smile, “I have never met anyone as lawless and free of human morals as you are.”
“Well, that's part of my charms, no?” The Spider head looked amused. “Freedom.” He paused for a moment, looking pensive. “True freedom only comes from lack of responsibility. I am already responsible for my team; their safety and their well-being. Why should I burden myself with the rest of the world? It's up to them to defend themselves and protect their loved ones. I simply wanted...” He stopped mid-sentence, making Kurapica lean unconsciously forward, intrigued. “It hardly matters,” Kuroro finally brushed whatever he was about to say aside. “I understand that you don't see it the way that I do. Because of the past, no matter what I say to explain myself, it will only anger you even more. I will not make excuses.” He looked up, meeting the blond's eyes head-on. “I kill because I don't care. I don't care because I don't know any of those people, and I don't want to know them. My loyalty extends only to the people I care about, and that would be my team.”
Kurapica felt his eyes switch to a violent shade of red. Kuroro didn't care?!He'd killed his entire tribe, his family, his friends, and he didn't care?!! The Kuruta never even realize he was moving but suddenly, he was in front of the Ryodan leader, glowering up at him furiously. He remembered Kuroro telling him his emotions tended to cloud his rationale, and he was now proving Kuroro right, but he couldn't stop himself. “I will –” His voice broke, and he had trouble containing his fury. “I will kill you, someday.” His promise was a soft whisper, delivered through gritted teeth. His chest felt so tight, so hot, he felt like he was going to burst.
“But you won't,” Kuroro answered, catching Kurapica's right fist, then his left as they flew towards his face. “You won't,” he repeated amiably. “You're tired of blood and destruction. As you are now, you can't possibly kill me.” Kurapica made a choking sound in the back of his throat and pushed against the older man. He didn't even have the strength to protest. He just glared and shook, full of rage and fury, knowing that he was totally powerless against this man, knowing Kuroro was right.
And that hurt so much.