A DAY GOES BY—no one hears from JJ and he doesn't show up to class. We all decide to leave him be, he'll be back tomorrow. Even if the feeling in my stomach wants to slam on his front door and yell at him or at least just see JJ.
It's Wednesday now. JJ didn't reply to our texts for a ride. I'm mad at him but I wake up and text him.
let me know ur okay please.
Not even read. It just stays on delivered.
My anxiety is terrible right now. I can't eat and if I try to I throw it up. I can't even pay attention in class because all these possibilities of JJ being hurt because of me is all I can think of. I'm the reason he went home on Monday.
JJ and Luke being angry in the same house is never a good idea, them being in the same house in general is a bad idea. Pope and John B aren't worrying as much, repeating to me how resilient JJ is. I hope he's at his cousin's house. It's all I can really hope for if he's not with us.
It's fucking Thursday and still nothing from JJ. I asked Blake if JJ has been around for Vanessa and he said he has no idea. I want to throw up, violently.
I hate the anxiety pit in my stomach. I'm too drained to even keep up with whatever Pope and JB are saying as we drive to school. Something about some show they watch. My head is leaned against the van window but the bumps in the road don't even bother me.
We get to the school and I feel like I have cement blocks tied to the bottom of my feet. Pope opens the door for me and pouts a bit at the sight of me, which I hate by the way.
"Don't look at me like that, Pope."
"Like what?" I can't tell if he's playing dumb or genuinely doesn't realize. "Your pouty face, I don't appreciate it," I force myself to hop out of the van. "I don't mean to have one—"
"Well, you do." I know I shouldn't be giving Pope attitude but I'm hungry and sad and paranoid. It's not anything towards Pope, it's everything towards myself. John B glares at me but I ignore him. The walk to the school doesn't feel right for the third day in the room because the loud blonde isn't trying to annoy me and talk about something ridiculous.
Everyone in front of the school, including us, turns as a car screeches down the road. It's going way too fast for a school zone. I recognize this fucking car. The shitty beat up sleeper car that the car guys on the island think are so innovative. The car pulls into the school parking lot and everyone's eyes stay on it. This car—it'll drive me crazy—
"It's JJ's cousin's beat up sleeper car." They both look at me immediately like the mention of JJ might cause a mental breakdown. I don't need them treating me like a wilting flower, I get it enough from JJ.
"Does that mean he was with him and not Luke?" Pope stays facing the direction of the car even though it isn't in view anymore. "I hope that's true, Pope." I want to run to JJ but I'm mad and he's mad but I miss him. I wonder if he misses me or was all his energy taken up by my sister. I can be mad and be worried. The car pulls out again, grabbing everyone's attention and I see there's one less person in the car. "Is he gonna talk to us?" I ask them.
"Who the fuck knows, Sam," John B shrugs his shoulders. I can feel the anxiety get worse. Each person that turns the corner is another shot to my chest. Then, the worst shot comes to my chest.
JJ turns the corner. Head down. Headphones in. "Don't make me the one to speak up," I tell them.
Pope leans down to me slightly, "We figured that out when he pulled in." His attitude matches mine from earlier and I can't even be mad. He gets closer and I want to slam my head into the brick wall of the school behind me. He takes his headphones out and relief washes over me.
This means he'll talk to us. The thing is even with the both of us being stubborn—we've been over shit quite quickly, neither one of us able to stay away for too long. I'm mad, I really am but I can never tell if it's at myself or JJ. It could've been avoided if I just took the clothes and the secret nickname and shut the fuck up. He's right next to us now and I see John B silently hyping himself up to say something.
"JJ, can you talk—to—us—"
He completely ignores all of us—not even just me, who is the one who actually deserves his silence as much as I hate it. He doesn't even give us a look back as he walks into the school.
He ignores me—did I just lose my best friend over some clothes? "He's ridiculous," Pope throws his hands in the air and starts rambling but I can't think straight.
He hates you. You fucked up—your love that you cannot communicate, fucked everything up.
I think this is my breaking point. I'm too self-aware and I hate it because I can feel my brain telling me to fucking lose it.
"He hates me," I was hoping I was the only one who heard my own words but the quick turn around from John B and Pope destroys that hope. "Hey, no he doesn't. He's just being JJ. Let's get to class and let's see if he talks then," John B grabs my wrist gently but I tug away.
I don't want to be in the same building as Kiara and JJ. "I'm going home." I set off down the sidewalk but the two followed me. "Sam, Sam. Don't go off the rails because of JJ. He needs time—"
"He hates me. I said some bad shit the other day—"
"So did JJ's dumbass, just come inside please," John B pleads with me. I really can't and I can't even tell them one of the reasons why. "If you need a break—take it. Just don't—do dangerous shit." Pope knows no matter, I was not going into the school. I smile at him appreciatively. "Pope—"
He disregards him,"Text us throughout the day." I hug Pope tightly. He's usually the one to yell at JJ and I but I think he can tell just how empty I feel right now. I hug John B too and wait a second for him to hug back. I squeeze him harder hoping he hugs back. John B sighs and hugs me with his head on mine,"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"You act like you don't do illegal things." We let go of each other but John B forcefully opens my hand. What is he doing—
"You better come pick us up from his hell hole at the end of the day," John B drops the keys to the Twinkie in my hand. I try to hide my smile by looking down at the ground. "I won't crash her!" John B sends me a glare but the smile I was once trying to hide shows. It isn't a big smile—it's almost like the ghost of one. I've never driven the van alone oddly enough.
I hadn't realized that till I'm putting the keys in the ignition. It starts up but so do the tears because of the building in front of me and who's in it. So many people that I hate that have hurt me and two people I love and absolutely hate that I do. I pull out of the parking lot.
I have no idea where to go—I didn't think I'd get the van. I was just going to walk to get food and think but I have the advantage of the van now.
The only person I can think of is Blake—he's the only person not in school right now. Bailey is in school of course and so is Sarah. I should just text him and see what the hell he's up to. After Blake sat and talked that night on the beach I realized he doesn't even like Weston himself. Neither does Vanessa but they don't have another father figure to lean back on—I do. Their mom is cool but her Weston aren't together and never really were together.
"blake. u busy?"
If I wait on his message it'll give me more anxiety so I just head to the gas station for snacks for myself and maybe Blake. I grab my usual snacks even if I'm not high.
I stare at the snacks in front of me. I have no idea what Blake likes. Shit. Maybe snack preferences are genetic. I grab another bag of gummy bears but hesitate on the meat stick because it's an acquired snack liking. My phone vibrates and I grab it a little too quickly. As much as I would like to be alone right now I know I can't because my brain would eat me alive quicker than normal.
"nope, stop by the hotel :)"
Also after that night Blake decided he'd stay in a hotel for a while. He's in his gap year for college but he's saved up money from his mom's side so he can stay on the island with Vanessa for a little bit and then he has to go back to the mainland with his mom.
I give the cashier the items and wait for him to ring them all up. I hear yelling from outside the gas station and instinctively roll my eyes not even knowing who's outside. For an island everyone deems as peaceful and wonderful—you can barely find either one of those descriptions thanks to teenage boys.
"$12.46"
I take out my card but nearly drop it when the kids outside yell again. "Fuckers..." I say under my breath.
I grab my stuff and leave the gas station but nearly just go back in when I see Topper and Kelce—who should both be in school with Rafe in Topper's car. Whatever, it's fine. Hopefully they ignore me but that's a lot of hope. I watch as Topper fills up his car and Rafe and Kelce shout some shit about skipping school.
If I roll my eyes I'm a hypocrite. I have to walk past his car to get to the van and they haven't noticed me yet.
"Isn't that the dirty Pogues van?" Kelce shouts. Dammit—just one day. One day where I don't want to shove a Kook's face into the ground. "He's probably skipping to mow some lawns. Is he in the gas station?"
I stop in my tracks at them insulting JB. There's no way in hell I'm letting them talk shit when he isn't here to defend himself. "Hey—dumbasses. If you're gonna talk shit make sure it's to their faces and not pussy out about it," I don't stop walking to the van as my words leave my mouth. They're all quiet for a second.
"Why? You skippin' school to make money as well? Oh shit, I forgot. You're an honorary Kook—not even." Rafe is leaning out of the car. "Go get a new polo. That one might have cocaine remaining on it." I sarcastically smile at him.
"Sam, get in your Pogue van and leave us be. Some of us have better shit to do," Now Kelce is leaning out of the car. "We're both skipping class. What is your better shit?" I tilt my head and get ready for the war of words that are about to happen in this gas station parking lot.
"Sam—just go. Don't start an argument." Over the years I've tried to give Topper the benefit of the doubt because when he's not with them he's either nice or doesn't open his mouth. "He opened his mouth first! I didn't start shit!"
"Brandon bought you a nice car and you're still driving the broken down van. How am I not supposed to make fun of you?" Rafe says it like bullying me is just a given. It's hard to believe this is the kid who saved my life. "Rafe, for the love of God, shut up." I really don't care and I just want to see Blake at this point.
"Walk away! You'll never belong anywhere besides The Cut!" Rafe's words make me do a whole spin around and I can see it in Topper's actions of quickly putting the pump away that he doesn't want to deal with this. He tries to step in front of me but I step around him. Rafe has a smile on his face and it's enraging me. "Do you ever shut the fuck up? Is that a goddamn option for you? What is so wrong with you and your perfect life that you have to harass me? Why makes you hate me? That I'm not 'pure Kook blood' or that you grew up and you realized you hated yourself? Get over yourself. I beg of you."
I push myself off the car and don't even let Rafe get a word out as I walk back to the van.
I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I'm crying—why am I crying? Whatever, I'm fine. I wipe the tears away and pull out of the gas station and to the small hotel. My brain wants me to lose it. It didn't used to take this much for me to blackout. I've somehow built up a tolerance to my own brain.
Fuck Rafe. Fuck Kelce and fuck Topper.
I huff and puff almost like a child all the way up to the hotel room door. I slam my fists by accident and I cringe at how loud it was.
The door swings open and I already feel myself calm down at the sight of my older brother—still so fucking weird to me. "Hey, I brought snacks. I'm not sure what you like so I got you gummy bears so I hope you like gummy bears—"
Blake stops my rambling, "I love gummy bears. Come in."
Vanessa is here but the words we've said to each other have been civil. A movie is playing and I've ranted to Blake about JJ but left out the parts that mention the blonde on the other bed. "Talk to him tomorrow. At the party."
Shit, I forgot that John B is using his busy dad as an opportunity to have a party at The Chateau tomorrow and not the boneyard. "It's at JB's house tomorrow so who knows if I'll get a chance to speak to him. I might puke at the thought of it," I dramatically clench my stomach. "Don't puke." Vanessa's words don't sound caring at all which makes me roll my eyes. I hear her sigh and she sits up, "Why'd you run off last week?"
I raise an eyebrow, "Why do you care?" Vanessa scoffs,"You think I hate you or something? This is something I have to get used to but I don't hate you. I like having younger siblings." She surprises me.
"Do you like JJ or are you hanging out with him to piss me me off?" Blake mumbles oh God under his breath. "Neither? He's just always there." She's talking about him so casually that it's annoying me. "How come you're always asking him to hang out then?" I stare at her so long I'm convinced I can see what into her mind. She's confused or at least looks confused, "I literally only hang out with him at the parties. What are you talking about?"
Does she think I'm stupid? "You asked him to hang out and you got rocky road ice cream! He ditched us the other day for you!"
"Sam, I don't even like rocky road ice cream nor do I know where an ice cream place is on the island. Why would I ask a high schooler to hang out? I have older guys ready to lay down their life for me. I just talk to JJ at the party. That's it."
Now I'm confused. Why would JJ lie to me about Vanessa?
Blake gasps from behind me, "He wanted to make you jealous! He has no idea she's your sister—he just thought you hated her because they were hanging out!"
No—no—he likes Vanessa and she played him. "No, he likes you—"
"Considering the way he looks at you, no he doesn't. Blake is right." For the first time since I met them, I actually feel like I have two proper older siblings. They stand at the end of the bed in front of me with their arms crossed.
What the fuck is happening? JJ lied the whole time but for what? It can't be jealousy, he just said Vanessa to push my buttons.
"I won't talk to him tomorrow at the party—I won't even show up. I guess me and him both used each other," She laughs at the thought. "Didn't he take you back to The Chateau." She nods her head yes at my question. "Did you fuck?" I spit my words out.
Vanessa almost smiles and then starts laughing. Like full on belly laughs. Blake shrugs his shoulders at me. "Did he tell you we fucked?"
"No."
"We didn't fuck—wanna know what we did when we got to the house?"
Do I? Yes, I do. I nod at her and she continues, "He brought up the art you give John B that he hangs up. He brought up how you attempted to cook breakfast one time and almost burnt down the house. He brought up how drunk you were one time but still fixed a bed for him. He even said how much me and you are alike. He was drunk and talking about you every minute."
My heart swells at the thought of JJ non-stop talking about me. All the sudden a thought comes into my head, that JJ might actually like me and as much as I want to deny it—I want to cry of happiness at the mere thought of JJ and I actually being able to somehow work out. I can't, I don't deserve him and he doesn't how fucking messy I am.
My phone vibrates, snapping me out of my thoughts. It's from John B.
"don't forget to get us. class is almost done loser"
Shit! What time is it?
2:06pm
"I have to go. I gotta get Pope and John B from school." I was really with Blake and Vanessa for like 7 hours and I didn't even realize it. Still trying to wrap my head around JJ's lies, I grab my bag and say goodbye to the twins. I have to tell JB and Pope. I know they're just gonna agree with Vanessa and Blake. It almost makes me not want to tell them.
I pull up right as the bell rings and wait for the two, letting them know I'm in front of the school. I play music off the shitty speaker in John B's van. He won't let me buy him a new one, a proper one. Saying,"If you can hear the music we don't need a new one," each time.
Ironically, Paper Rings by Taylor Swift starts. You've gotta be kidding me. I do not want to hear about how in love Taylor Swift is right now. I angrily try to skip but all that plays is different songs about being in love or loving someone. It's pissing me the fuck off.
I try to skip a love song that comes up but now the speaker is glitching and not going past this one line.
All I need my cigarette and my baby
The line is stuck playing on the shitty small speaker and I don't even think when I take it and throw it—hard—behind me. I can hear it shatter behind me. Fuck, now I really do have to buy him a new one. I don't even want to turn to see what my own anger did. "Sam!" John B shouts my name.
Pope and him run down to the car so fast I thought they'd fall. Pope gets to the car first and hops into the passenger seat. John B swings the door open and gasps at the state of his speaker.
"My speaker! What did it do to you? Play country music?"
"I—sure yeah. I'll buy you a new one buddy," I start the van and I can hear John B picking up the pieces and fake crying. "John B, it's a speaker," Pope rolls his eyes. "It was MY speaker."
I sigh, "JJ lied. He never went and got rocky road with Vanessa, he never even saw her outside of the parties and he never fucked her at The Chateau" I turn for their reactions but they're both straight faced and staring at me. "What? Did you two dumbasses know this?"
"No but I thought it was obvious he was lying to you." John B states like it was indeed obvious. I turn to Pope for his answer, "I just didn't want to argue with you but I agree with John B."
My eye twitches and my jaw drops, "You could've told me!"
"You wouldn't have listened!" They both shout in unison. Yeah—they have a point. I sigh in defeat and just start the van.
"He's coming tomorrow, right?" My hands are gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turn white. "I don't know whether to tell you yes or no—"
"John B."
He throws his hands up, "As far as I know. Yes. I don't think he'd miss an opportunity to get fucking drunk."
I have to talk to him tomorrow. He's not allowed to just lie and say that shit and then ignore us. I'm angry—really angry. Like I could cry because I'm so angry, angry. "I'm pissed."
"We can tell—you're gripping the wheel so hard it'll break," Pope stares at my hands but I don't loosen my grip.
"Let's just go get the party supplies and then we can figure out what you can say to JJ that won't trigger you—or him." John B slumps down in the back.
The whole drive to get supplies is filled with possible shit of what to say to JJ.
two more chapters :0