Tonight was worse than others.
Rain had been pouring since 7p.m and even now the sky wasn't letting out.
"Stupid cliff." I murmur, remembering how I had fallen of the edge of my dream right into reality.
Another one of my periodic nightmares anytime I slept too early. What was wrong with me?
Krrr-BOOM!
I jump at the sound of thunder, shifting my messy bedsheet even further out of the once neatly tucked corners.
Resting my head against the jagged wall, lined will little bumps the painters had left, I shut my eyes.
The sleep hadn't been peaceful, I might as well while the rest of my 4 a.m away.
Peeking at me when I open my eyes to scroll on my phone is my Bible right beside it.
Edging back into my mattress I speak reluctantly for the sake of the habit I had in me.
"God...I just want to pray against the evil dream I had. If you're still listening, please protect me from all evil attacks in Jesus' name, amen." I whisper, watching my words float through the crack of my window.
To be honest I wasn't sure there was any evil attack, but I knew a Creator was up there and I doubt He had anything nice to say to me.
Not after all I had done. No blood needed to be smeared on my hand I was GUILTY was written in red on my head.
Years of church had taught me to know Jesus forgave, what I didn't know was if I wanted to live the controlled life such mercy would warrant.
"Never mind, I know you didn't. That's something people like me don't get." I whisper shout, knowing the wind would carry it once more; out of sight and mind.
.......................
"Don't open the door for anybody, stay safe." my mum says, the airer warmer than the voice she used to tell me these things.
Mind you it was 7a.m and the sun hadn't resumed for work, so I was still standing at the light of dawn, fighting off the rainy aftermath in my singlet and shorts.
"Yes mummy." I say, remembering how I had repeated those words in my apology to her the same night my Dad saw a side of me he never head.
Angry as I still was I meant it, something about yelling those words no matter how true hadn't made me feel better.
She nods, walking to her car in the compound while I lock up after her.
Once again I was home alone, with Daddy already settled in office and mom on the way for shop.
Belly forward on the couch, I scroll through tons of pictures till I see a dated Instagram post.
The retro film did nothing to disguise the persons, and my eyes drift to Demilade, almost laughing as he huddled next to his ex group of friends and some random faces in Patricia's birthday picture.
She sports a cheeky grin, that looks more like a horse baring it's teeth for which I am grateful for, as her arm is snaked around Demilade in that ashawo emerald dress.
My outfit from that night was no doubt worse, but seeing Demilade had liked that post made me hate her even more.
"I don't know who asked them to do a stupid update. Show me only people I follow, iro (no)" I mutter itching to turn off my phone, but it buzzes.
Demithedisturbance: Heyyy
Rolling my eyes, despite the unwilling smile on my face I text, "Oh no he's back"
Who did feelings epp?
"If you like be deceiving yourself," he types back and I ready my fingers to counter his words.
One text turned to two, then five, and so we had begun again; our habit of texting eachother to fill the empty days between school being over and graduation.
The distraction helped not onlky with the sheer boredome, but ignorance of all the troubles in my life.
Over text, I could be whoever I wanted. No emotions to betray me, just emojis. No need to continue conversation, just go offline.
But with him, even on the worst of days when I ghosted the world, I keep going back to check his latest message.
As I sent another laughing emoji, it sucked to say it but I was in love.
"What have you been up to sha," Demilade asks and I look around the room as if the answer was hidden somewhere.
"Nothing much actually, been using my phone since morning. You?" I text back.
"I spent time with God, then here I am." is what I get back.
Classic Demilade.
Smiling, deciding to poke a little fun at his new lifestyle.
Nothing dramatic about him had changed, but even then I knew he wasn't the same boy I had met in the tuc shop, or seen almost cry in church.
"Omo, aren't you ever tired of these commandments." I type expecting him to brush me off with laughing emojis and 'leave me alone jare', - I should've known better.
"Obeying God is just a bye product, the same way being with a person changes you, it's more about my relationship with Him than rules. Besides we all follow things -our ideas, culture, though leaders, I just choose mine to be the Maker of the Universe." he sends back adding a chill emoji.
Had it been another day my defenses would've rose, but the defeat of last night made me ponder on his words, even when the convo had ended and I was having dinner with my parents.
I rise up taking my plate after me, and set the scrubbing.
Disgusting pots, knives and plastic containers from leftovers piled sink and I pout as I let some water run over them, while I regurgitated ealier words.
I didn't like to think of it that way but his words held truth. What would happen if I decided to 'follow' God, and was there something more to what I knew of faith? Something Demilade had come to understand?
The dishes ran out as dot by dot my thought formed constellations that mirrored the night sky.
Swish my pruny hands under the water before drying them on my crumpled house wear, I trudge up the stairs.
I ran the chaos my life was and had tarnished every good thing I had been known for, what did I have to lose by proving myself right and finalizing my fate?
Grabbing the book I hadn't touched except during sunday service for weeks now, I flip to a random page not sure where to start.
Coincidentally enough my eyes land on a verse that had a strange sound to it this night.
"When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord."
"The final brain cell. I'm officially crazy." I mumble to myself, not knowing the nights of google searches, historic references, bible verses and secretive questions to Demilade, that would follow.