IT'S A FRIDAY NIGHT.
I haven't been to school in two days and haven't talked to JJ in two days. The others, including Kie, have texted me but all I can always reply with is I'm okay. They know it's a damn lie because I never isolate myself like this. I need distractions constantly or I feel as though I'll lose it.
I honestly have no idea why seeing Weston is affecting me this much but I fucking hate it. I find myself staring out the window of my room a lot the past two days.
The bonfire is happening right now. John B offered me a ride but I denied it and I'm starting to regret it.
I just don't think I could deal with seeing JJ with girls because everytime it feels like maybe—just maybe—I could have him, one of us fucks it up.
I stare at the time on my phone.
8:35pm
Fuck it. I need to leave the house and this is an easy excuse.
I jump off the bed and fix myself up. The purple bags extend far too much on my face from lack of sleep.
I look good for the first time in two days and it cheers me up a bit. The tension as I leave my room and go downstairs is still—very much there but only to me because everyone else is fine. It bothers me for some reason that they can just move on so quickly. Then again, I have no idea why I feel like this. I'm used to his bullshit.
I stare at my keys but decide a walk would be more beneficial. I might regret it with my boots but I'll survive. My home isn't that far from The Cut so the boneyard is pretty close. I cross over the long ass piece of cement that splits the island up. There's people illegally fishing and younger teens sitting on it.
It's the middle of September and I crave the fall we barely get in Outer Banks. I've traveled to other states thanks to Brandon and Justin and the beautiful fall that Oregon gets makes me jealous of those who live there. Weed being legal is also a bonus.
Maybe I'll move there, convince my friends to come with me even though JJ is stuck on fucking Yucatan.
I hear the music and screaming in the distance and I get a bit more excited. The numbness leaves my body a bit but then I remember it's my first party since the rumor. It's been dying down but I still get the occasional comment on my social media about it.
At this point now I can see people as my boots hit the sand. There's a lot more people here this week. I stuff my hands in my sweater pockets. People say hi as I make my way through the party.
"Sam!" Bailey's voice calls out and then I feel a grab on my shoulder. I haven't had a proper conversation with her in a while and I'm happy to see her.
I expect Kie to be with her but when I turn around she's not there. "Hey, Bailey. How are you?" She goes in for a hug and I awkwardly hug her back. "I'm fine but how are you? Listen, I'm really sorry about Dean—"
I stop her immediately,"Why are you apologizing for him? You didn't do anything. You helped me so thank you." I smile at her. Bailey is just so kind and sometimes I feel like if it wasn't for Adrien, me and her could have been more serious. I no longer have feelings for her anymore, obviously but it's just sometimes in the back of my head. "Kie's not with you?"
Bailey's face drops. I want to stay subtle but I speak before I think, "Oh, did you guys stop hanging out?"
"No, maybe. I don't know. She texts me a lot and talks to me in school but everytime I invite her out, she rejects me."
"Kie has been—weird with us too. I'll have to talk to her or something." The fact that she's been odd with us too helps Bailey a bit so she knows it's not just her. I look around for a second and my eyes catch a short blonde.
Amelia.
She hasn't been to one of these parties in a while. Ava and Elena are close by talking to some people as Amelia stares at me. I stare right back like a competition but it's short lived because Bailey lightly smacks me, "Oh yeah—you threw Dean in a pool?"
I laugh a bit, "He told you?" Bailey furrows her eyebrows, "Vinny filmed it when everyone was arguing. You didn't know?"
No, of course I don't fucking know because if I did I would've saved it and laughed at it. "No—let me see." She pulls out her phone and pulls up the video. I watch as the camera is pointed at JJ and Adrien arguing and it pans to myself chasing and tackling Dean into the pool with a big splash. The video shows me what I couldn't see when I was underwater and the immediate panic from Pope, John B and JJ makes me miss them even more. Then, the video cuts.
"I'm not mad because you didn't hurt like you promised, don't worry."
I really want to see John B and Pope now. JJ as well but I don't know if he wants to see me. "Have you seen John B or Pope?"
"No but I did see JJ, he was talking to some blonde when I got here. She's kinda hot," Bailey takes a swing of her drink. "What color are her eyes?"
Bailey gives me a look, "How the fuck am I supposed to know?"
"I—don't worry about it. You wanna come with me to find them?" She looks around for a second and then at her cup, "Yeah, why not?" We set off moving throughout the crowds on the beach. I can not find any of them for the life of me and it's driving me crazy.
My hand goes to my necklace to play with. A telltale sign my anxiety is spiking up. Just as I'm about to give up, I spot Pope sitting with a girl by the fire.
"Pope!" I run over and hug him. It takes him a second but he hugs me back, "You're okay, you haven't killed yourself?" He's joking but it still makes me pause and make a face while still hugging him.
"No—I haven't—did you guys think I was going to? Like genuinely?" I let go of Pope and look at him.
"JJ did," Pope replies, "Anyway, Sam and—Bailey, this is Layla." Even with only the fire lighting her face up I can see how pretty she is. We both greet her with smiles and a hello. "Hi, nice to meet you guys," She waves. "Did JJ really think I was gonna kill myself?" How bad did they think it got? I guess isolating myself concerned them more than I thought. "Maybe—he's concerned though. He should be over by the big tree along with John B." We thank Pope and say bye to him and Layla before walking over to the tree.
"John B!" He stops talking to whoever he was talking to and looks for the sound of my voice, "John Booker Routledge!" The use of his full name gets his attention and everyone else's around us, including JJ. He glances at me for a second and when I look back at him he turns away. "Sam! Oh my God!" John B hops off the tree stump and runs at me. I prepare myself for him to pick me up and hug me by fixing my clothes and when he does, a smile so big it hurts my face goes across my face. I haven't smiled like this in a while.
"Hi, JB." He lets me down and holds my face like he hasn't seen me in months when it's only been two days. "What the hell happened?"
Has JJ said what happened with Weston? I guess not if he's asking me. That I'm thankful for. I think of something for now, "Just—a lot of bullshit. I'll tell you later. Did JJ mention anything?"
"No—did something happen between you guys? Did you kiss? Oh. My. God!" He twirls his hair and tries to act like a movie portrayal of a teenage girl which makes me cringe. "No—never do that again. We didn't—I'll tell you and Pope later but did you know—Kie is avoiding our girl Bailey as well?"
"Hey—yeah. I thought I was crazy but maybe something happened and she won't tell us?" Bailey thinks of an excuse for the girl she likes. Really trying to convince herself that Kie doesn't hate her and to be fair she probably doesn't and she's just—being an ass.
If Kie has abandoned us, she is just like everyone else. John B shrugs his shoulders, "She won't tell me anything and barely talks to me anymore so I wish I could help Bailey."
"It's okay, really. I'm going to go to my other friend though. I'll see you guys later," Bailey waves goodbye. As soon as she's gone Mr. Nosey drags me away from the crowd by the wrist. "John B!" I yell but he continues. We're a bit aways away when he lets go,"Tell me. Everything now." I roll my eyes but tell him anyway, "Which part? The one where the girl JJ was making out with last week is my sister or the part where Weston was at my house last night after I had such a good day with JJ and then JJ proceeded to try and fight Weston?"
I take a breath and settle. His jaw is somewhat dropped but he seems more confused than anything. "Vanessa?! The older girl is your sister? And what did Weston do to make JJ wanna fight him besides just—be Weston?" John B is trying so hard not to scream. I can see the gears turning as I tell him everything. He runs his hair through his hair, "Holy shit! Your sister?!" He's obviously more stunned at that part and not JJ trying to fight Weston.
"Yes and she has the most passive aggressive attitude. She acted like I didn't have a right to be upset." Thinking back to my half-sister and the look she gave me the other day makes me roll my eyes.
I always envy people with sisters and now I have one and she doesn't even like me. Blake and her are complete opposites; it's almost impossible to think they're twins. I ignore his question about what Weston did to get JJ so mad, I don't want to let the words come out that my own father slapped me. The one I haven't seen in months and was hoping to never see him again. "Does that make that Blake dude your brother?"
I nod yes at him,"They are—twins." His jaw drops even more somehow. I puff air into my cheeks and rock back and forth on my heels. "Does JJ know?" I sigh and rub my temples, "He knows who Blake is because we ran into him. He knows I have a sister but has no idea it's Vanessa."
"You want to tell him—he's hanging out with her right now! He has a thing for the Vernon sisters, huh?" I'm so glad he's finding amusement in this when I can feel my cheeks heating up from anger. I almost leave John B in the dust to stop JJ from fucking my sister but then I remember, he doesn't want to see me. "He doesn't want to see me. We argued again but it was my fault—"
John B lets out a loud groan, "What now? What happened now?" He puts his hands on his hips and I almost want to laugh at his stance of a disappointed dad. "I got mad because he could've gotten hurt. What if his punch landed? Weston could've killed him! I told him he treats me like a damsel in distress and he told me he basically feels like everything he does is a problem—"
"Okay—okay, you know he wants to see you. He's been worried about you. You need to stop. Both of you morons need to stop. You've been inseparable since sixth grade so get your shit together and tell him how you feel and stop him from fucking your sister—that's the key problem here," He grabs me by the shoulders and turns me around and pushes me in the direction of JJ. "I'm not telling him I like him!" He pushes me again.
I see JJ and Vanessa sitting by the fire. A red solo cup in both of their hands. JJ has an arm around her shoulders as she laughs about whatever stupid comment JJ said. "Then at least tell him that blondie—is your sister," He shoves me harder and I stumble over my own feet.
Fucker.
There's other people around me and them so I have no idea how to approach this. He hasn't even noticed me yet as he's so infatuated with Vanessa. My hand grabs at my necklace but out of the corner of my eye, I see the ring JJ gave me resting around my finger.
Thinking back to the day he gave it to me. I would really marry this man under any circumstances and it terrifies me but not enough to make me run from him. If anything it's making me want to run to him. My eyes are stuck on JJ and the way the light from the fire shines on him. He's smiling but it's not because of me—it's because of her. My own sister.
Of course he doesn't know that and Vanessa doesn't know my feelings for the boy she's making laugh. I clench my jaw to the point where my mouth starts to hurt. My heart swells as he throws his head back at the joke I heard from a classmate. Everything feels so—different. My brain is putting things together but I can't keep up with what it's putting together.
I get chills all over my body even being so close to the fire and then, all the rambling in my head comes to a stop.
I'm in love with JJ Maybank.
My eyes widen and the grip on my necklace becomes tighter as the realization sets in. I can deal with liking him and of course I love JJ but I didn't think—I didn't think I'd become in love with him. How could I not though? He's caring, protective, funny, observant. He's got—issues but we all do. I feel a release around my neck and I realize my necklace has snapped off making my gasp.
"Sam?" Shit, I got JJ's attention when I didn't want to. I back up a bit from the fire and the people around it. Vanessa is looking at me now but for once she's not sending an evil or judging glare. She actually looks like she cares about me for a second. Do I look visibly hurt? I really hope I don't.
JJ slowly gets up from his seat and my eyes follow him, "Hey, you okay?"
No, I'm frozen in place because I just realized I'm in love with you but you've been trying to fuck my sister all night.
Everyone has their eyes on me and I feel crazy because I know I look crazy just standing here.
"Sam, you want to talk? What the hell is happening?" JJ grabs my wrist and drags me away from Vanessa and the crowd.
I want to run away because now I'm terrified. I'm terrified because I'm in love with JJ. Was I ever in love with Adrien then or was he just a placeholder I got attached to?
"You look like a deer in headlights, are you okay?" I drop my hand from his grip and he looks mildly offended but then his face softens again. JJ is—amazing. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to be in love with him because he's too good for me.
The anxiety in my stomach is making me want to violently puke into the sand but I regrettably swallow it. "I'm not mad, okay? You look sick. What's happening?" I force myself to look at JJ. His eyes are riddled with worry.
He runs his hand through his blonde hair. My eyes flicker to his lips and the thought of kissing him is back and no matter what I do, it won't leave. No matter what I think it's still there.
"Darlin', you're scaring me—"
"I'm leaving, I need to—go," I run because I know if I don't JJ will try to grab me. He calls after me but I somehow find myself going faster. Sand kicks up around me and my breathing gets more rapid as the sounds of the party and JJ calling after me fade away.
JJ Maybank deserves better than me. I am a fuck up. I am a mess with a dad who would kill him if given any reason to. I have an ex who put a gun to him and he didn't deserve that.
I stop and turn around to see no one around. My body flops into the sand and I know it'll be a pain in the ass to get the sand out of everywhere but I ignore it to catch my breath.
JJ loves me of course, but not in the way I so desperately want him to. How did I not realize I'm in love with him? I'm starting to regret running away from him. The feeling of JJ and I holding hands when we fell asleep the other night creeps it's way back onto the hand he held. My right hand reaches out to run my fingers along my left hand but there's no way it'll feel the same.
Then, it feels like everywhere that JJ has ever touched is coming back, all over my skin and I can't tell if I hate it or not. This feeling isn't going to go away. Being in love is both tragic and beautiful but for now—it's tragic. I don't think I'll get to the beautiful part. I don't deserve anything good like this—I've been told that my whole life and I was fine.
I was starting to trust and love myself again but then Weston. I don't want him to affect my life like this anymore but it feels like my brain is just consuming all his words and letting them hurt me. Like all the healing I did meant nothing because I saw him one fucking time. Vanessa doesn't feel this way, neither does Blake.
How long have I even been in love with JJ? Since the beginning? I sit and try to really remember if there was a moment where I can remember feeling this way towards JJ. I've never felt this way with anyone else. I can't pinpoint a time I felt like this with JJ besides this time.
I remember the weekend before school started and JJ and I sat on my roof staring into the water, high.
"I want to be able to swim wherever, go anywhere really. Not have to worry about anyone."
"You don't want to worry about anyone?" JJ pouted.
I lifted my head off my knees,"I'd worry about you even if I turned into a fish. You've got too many issues not to."
In reality, I'm willing to go with JJ wherever. I wasn't lying either. He has too many issues to be left alone for too long. We both do.
I look up to the sky and for a second, I ponder the idea of death and becoming a star, how bright I would be. Maybe even dull. Maybe I was just okay with being a star in someone's eyes.
I hear footsteps in the sand next to me, "JJ, please go away." I throw my arm over my eyes to make sure I don't see him. "Not JJ." I throw my arm off at the sound of Blake's voice. I groan, he's taking the big brother role about 16 years too late. "How'd you find me?"
Blake sits down next to me, "I watched you run. Is is because of Vanessa and JJ?" I don't want to answer this. I roll my head to the opposite side of Blake. "I'll take that as a yes. You wanna tell me what else is going on?" I stay silent because I really don't know if I want to or not. "Okay, that's fine. We can sit here until you want to leave or want to tell me. I won't push you."
I'm thankful for his patience. I push myself off the sand and sit up straight. I hug my knees to my chest. The waves are quiet tonight. So quiet the silence is almost deafening.
My teeth bite at the inside of my mouth which is gonna hurt me in the morning because of how much I'm doing it. I swear I taste blood right before I open my mouth to speak, "Weston showed up to my house." My words are mumbled but I hope he can hear that because I don't want to repeat them. He nods his head, "Wanna talk about it?"
I surprise myself by nodding my head yes. Blake scoots closer to me,"Okay, ready when you are."
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A/N
hi—-i just wanted to let y'all know there's only a few more chapters of this book BUT i will be continuing sam n jj. i'm working on anther book that goes with season 1s storyline and ofc sam's :)