AFTER THAT NIGHT, JJ really attached himself to me. More than usual but I'm not complaining.
He was at my house everyday after school and him sleeping over became more common at my place rather than John B's. It's Wednesday when we're in my room for the 3rd day in a row after school. We all texted Kie but to no avail, she ghosted us. We even knocked on her door but her mom said she's been busy and not home. What hurt the most was that she moved seats in each class to sit with other people.
Dean told people he lied and basically lost all his new nice kid points. Adrien is Adrien, running his mouth and making slick comments during gym that earns him a middle finger or getting verbally cursed at. Of course, I'm still being bothered about it.
Asking if a nerd can fuck for the past three days has been—interesting.
I've texted Blake and we've actually been having a conversation back and forth and he definitely didn't get his personality from Weston. He keeps asking me to meet up to talk but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm still so sick over the fact that I have no idea what I did to be hurt by someone who was supposed to love me for so long. There's more scars on my brain rather than my body but it sometimes hurts to look at a spot where I know a bruise once laid.
"You almost done with your work?" JJ whines. "J—for the last time, yes. Maybe you should start it." The one class I care about is English but of course, JJ doesn't. He dramatically flops onto my legs. "Stop bein' a child," I boop his nose with a pencil which makes him scrunch up his nose. "Princess—" the name became so familiar at this point I don't even flinch at it,"—I want to sit at the dock and smoke."
"So do I but this is one subject I'm good in so fuck off, in the most loving way," I grab at his hair and run my hands through it. Another thing is the morning after on Sunday, JJ and I woke up holding hands and thankfully the others didn't see but it made me jump when I woke up before him. I think because of this we just got more comfortable with being more touchy than usual. Neither one of us has a complaint it seems.
"I like when you play with my hair," He closes his eyes and my heart swells at how content he looks.
"Really?" The word is almost airy as it nervously leaves my mouth. "My—uh—mom, she used to do it when things got bad," My hand stops at what he's saying but he keeps going,"I really wonder sometimes why she didn't take me. What was so bad about me that I deserved—this," His voice cracks and his eyes open with tears beginning. I wait a few seconds before it seems he's not going to speak again, "You don't deserve it, J. Please know that, okay?" I start running my hand through his hair which calms him a bit.
JJ turns on his side and knocks my notebook out of my hands,"Hey—JJ—" Before I can properly yell at him he wraps his arms around my stomach.
My arms are raised above my head. I have no idea what to do with them. I've never been in this situation before where someone was just in my lap, hugging me. My hand slowly goes down and back to his hair. I sigh at my notebook next to me on the floor. There's no way I'll be able to focus on my work now. "JJ?"
"Sunshine?"
"You wanna go smoke on the dock?"
He immediately picks his head up and wipes the tears that had fallen down his cheeks, "Yes! Get up woman, let's go!" He jumps up and grabs my wrist to pull me up. I stubble on my own feet. "Oh—blondie! Calm down," He opens the bedroom door and continues dragging me but to be fair, I'm not really stopping him. He does stop himself at the top of the stairs. "You gonna throw me down there?" I ask. JJ looks like he's actually calculating if he would kill me. "How long do you think the fall is—"
"JJ!" I swat his arm. "I'm kidding. I'm kidding!" He starts to walk down the stairs and I follow him.
"Wait, you have a blunt?" Stupid question on my part but he still reaches through all his pockets and pulls one out. He can't just pull out a blunt in the middle of my house.
"Put it away!"
"You ask me if I have one—"
"We're in my house!" JJ takes a look around,"Oh yeah, sorry."
"Guys?" My mom calls out and JJ and I panic to shove the blunt into one of his many pockets on his cargo shorts. "Rachel!" JJ smiles as my mom comes into view. "Hi, where are you two going?"
"Just to the dock out back, don't worry," I reassure her. "Well, don't burn to the ground. Also, you need to talk to Blake," My face drops and I see JJ's turn to me, confused. I told her not to bring it up the other day so why did she just open her mouth up? "Who's Blake?" JJ rocks back and forth on his heels. I give my mom a look before turning back to JJ.
I'm not going to lie but I also don't want him to remember Blake's name. Then again, he might've been too drunk to remember her words that weren't directed at him. I don't even say a word to my mom and just drag JJ outside. "Woah—Hey, was I not supposed to know who the hell Blake is?"
"You don't remember any Blakes? At all?" JJ ponders for a second, "No, no Blake in my head."
"There's not much in there to begin with—" JJ smacks me upside the head and I let out a groan. "Tell me who Blake is—you're confusing me."
For fucks sakes, it's on the tip of my tongue to let it spill out at any second. My mouth keeps opening and stuttering but it won't come out. "Darlin', please tell me," He reaches for my hand and I let him take it for a second,"Blake is my—brother," My voice travels off. "Oh—OH! Are you still the oldest?" My eyes roll at his immediate question, "No, actually I just found out they're twins. There's a girl I know nothing about," I lie through my teeth.
After the past couple days I found her social media and Blake's. Not surprisingly, Vanessa is more active. Blake posts things with his friends and travel pictures. Vanessa has like the same but she just posts more frequently. The occasional stand alone selfie litters her page. "You're not gonna talk to them?"
"I don't know JJ—I—There's a lot of things that make not want to," I start to walk down the dock at the frustration of the conversation. It takes a second but I hear JJ follow after me. The ocean in front of me holds so many secrets—how is only 5% explored? I'm starting to realize I relate to the ocean.
I sit down on the dock with my legs swinging off. My feet are almost touching the water. I stare into the water and the urge to just—fall in comes to me. The more I stare the more it feels like I'm already sinking.
"There's something else going on—it's not just because they're your surprise siblings. What's going on Sam?" My own name sounds like it's ringing when it leaves his mouth. I find it hard to move my eyes from the water but they somehow shift to JJ as he sits down next to me. His presence washes over me and the sinking feeling from before fades away. "Why so serious?" I ask. "You're avoiding—stop bein' like this!" He jokingly shoves me. "I know your dumbass isn't talking about avoiding—"
"Shut up! Tell me!"
My words are stuck in my throat again and no proper words are coming out. I can feel JJ staring at me and when I look back, suddenly I can say it, "He—he didn't hurt them. How come they got a good dad and I didn't?" My voice cracks despite my best efforts not to. That's when I know I can't talk after that.
JJ just widens his eyes, "So he did—hurt you." JJ knew, they all knew but this is his confirmation. His tone isn't even sad—it's angry. Angrier than I've ever heard him. If it wasn't JJ—I'd be scared right now and no one scares me. "That's why we had to leave. It just hurts because he was raising one family and destroying the other. What did I do?" I talk even though the sobs that start to rack my body immediately make me regret it.
"Is he still on the island?" His tone somehow gets angrier and it makes me stop my sobbing because I know what he's thinking. "JJ—no, he got what he deserved, okay? I've beat his ass so many times I lost count!" JJ pushes himself up and is now standing above me. "You shouldn't have had to do that! You didn't call the cops?" I know he's not angry at me but it sure as hell feels like it.
"Stop yelling, JJ!" I stand myself up now as well. He's pacing the small dock and running his hands over his face. "I'm not yelling!" He has this wild look in his eyes that I know I need to get him down from. "I'm not—yelling."
"You are yelling, JJ and I need you to stop and think, okay? I beat his ass that night I left and I know—no child should have to do that but I did and I did it for years before. I'm not a damsel in distress, you don't need to save me from something I no longer need saving from!"
Truth is, I think I need saving from myself at this point but I don't know if I'd let myself get saved. "He's on the island—what if Blake is trying to get you to get friendly so Weston can hurt you again?"
I took a shaky breath,"He wouldn't—"
"How do you know?"
"Because he wouldn't, JJ!" My body shivers at my own tone now, "I just wanted to smoke," I walk back to the dock's edge and take a seat in the same spot from before. "How about we—drive?" If he thinks I'll let him drive my car or the bike high then he's already baked. "You're not driving anything high," I keep my eyes on the ocean that goes on for miles and miles. I wonder how far I'd get in a boat crash. If I could even get through a mile of swimming.
"No, I drive your car and let you smoke. I will be as sober as a bird." I don't need to turn around to know he has a goofy smile on his face. "A bird?"
"Well, they're always sober. Imagine seeing a drunk bird—that'd be funny."
I giggle at the thought of a bird getting wine drunk, "You call me pigeon and I get drunk, so maybe you've seen a drunk bird."
"Are we goin' or not?" I pretend to think when I already know the answer, "Yes, I will get high while you don't," I pull my sluggish body up. "You're lucky I love you," JJ wraps his arm around my head and I feel his lips kiss the top of my head. I'm hoping he wouldn't let go because my face is so red from crying and now blushing.
We get to the house and I grab my keys,"Going out, bye!" I don't even hear my mom say bye before we're out the door. "Keys?"
"Keys!" I toss JJ my keys. I'm honestly just excited to let my brain completely go numb.
We hop in the car and I already start reaching for the blunt that I know is in his pocket. "Woah—" He grabs my hand, "You can just ask, feen." He pulls the blunt and a lighter out and hands them to me. I throw my hands up excitedly. The blunt hits my mouth and my thumb lights the flame. Even the smell of it as it burns is already helping. The inhale I took is life saving.
JJ starts the car, "Gas station?" He asks. I let out a PFT as if it should be obvious, "Yes, I need my munchie gummy bears."
"So sorry, how could I forget?" Suddenly, JJ steps on the gas and we fly down the empty road. I grip the handle above the door and worry runs through me for a second but it fades quickly and turns into excitement. "JJ!" The smile on my face would not leave even if I know JJ needs to stop. I glance at JJ who's smile matches mine,"JJ, you crash, you pay." That gets him to slow down the car, "Look, world record for quickest time to the gas station. You stay here." I don't even protest because I know he knows what to get me.
A green tea, a jerky stick and gummy bears. The perfect meal. I put the blunt to my lips again and take another hit. I see another car pull up to the pump on the other side. It looks average, nothing fancy. Me being nosey, I wait to see who exits the car.
The car slams shut and I hear the person arguing—wait, I recognize the voice. It's a dude for sure. They grab the pump and—
Shit, it's Blake. Please don't see me or even think about looking over here. I sink into the seat and open he doesn't see me. "Sam!"
Are you kidding me? I'm not even in trouble why'd he call my name? The one fucking time. Blake turns around in the direction of my car and stares right into my fucking eyes. Fuck it, I need another hit if he's about to come over here. JJ gets closer and so does Blake. I should just jump out of the car. "Sam?" Blake leans over the car window. "Hey—who are you?" I want to laugh at JJ's immediate protectiveness. Shit—wait—Blake doesn't know that JJ doesn't know. "Oh—"
"I'm her—brother."
Is there anything I can kill myself with?
JJ snaps to me with wide eyes. "Oh, okay—it's nice to meet you," His words are awkward and so is the hand he puts out, "I'm JJ." I move up in my seat and I see the connection in Blake's head. No—he cannot mention Vanessa. I panic and lean my body out of the car, "Yeah! That's JJ. Hi, Blake!"
"Hey, what are you guys doin'?" I cheer myself on because I made him pay attention to me and not JJ even with my high brain I thought quick. "Just, driving. Y'know?" Blake nods and then squints at me, "You're high aren't you?"
"Yes." He laughs a bit, "Be careful, okay?" He smiles and gets in the car. My heart slows down when he drives away and as he does I notice Vanessa in the passenger seat looking back at me. I'm so relieved I stopped Blake. He'll probably bring up the JJ and Vanessa thing at some point but for now, I have to deal with JJ's reaction. He throws my snacks at me. I smile at the gummy bears and meat stick but frown at the absence of my green tea, "JJ—"
"I got your damn drink, here ya go," He hands me the can. "Thank you, handsome." I hit the blunt again and wait for JJ to start the car but after a minute, he still doesn't. When I look at him he looks like he's in a daze, "JJ, the car, start it." He snaps out of the weird daze and starts the car,"Right, sorry."
We're driving for what feels like hours and shit, it might be. I'm too high to know. The island is small but even spending my whole life here I feel like I find different places each drive or adventure. The music that we blast earns a look every now and then but we don't care.
The sky is dark now too. Stars line the sky.
The thought of aliens always scared me. They're scientifically proven to exist even if the government denies it and we know nothing about them, at least the public doesn't. "JJ?" He hums letting me know to continue,"Are you an alien?" My words sound so quiet and I almost want to repeat myself and shout them to make sure they aren't quiet. JJ giggles, "I think that's enough weed for you," He grabs the blunt that is so small it's basically bug size. I don't even have the energy to fight him for it. "What if I am an alien? Ya gonna turn me in?"
"Maybe..." My voice is so quiet it's annoying me. "MAYBE!" There we go, that feels better. "You don't need to yell sunshine, your words aren't quiet because you're high, don't worry."
The area quickly gets familiar again and I know we're on the Kook side. "Are we going home?" I shove a gummy bear in my mouth happily. "Yeah, Imma take you home and then I'm goin' home." My heart drops at his words. I don't want him to go, I never want him to go. My head drops and it feels heavy, "No, stay over again." He sighs loudly,"What will Mama Rachel say?"
"She'll say yes, she likes you."
"Really? A parent likes me? That's a first." My house comes into view and JJ pulls into the driveway. My gummy bears! I have to eat them or else Marcus will. I shove the last of them in my mouth but my mouth is so dry from the weed that it's hard to eat and I groan.
JJ hops out and runs to the passenger side door and opens it. "How gentleman like!" I giggle. "Well, I gave you my cousins shit and you smoked half his fucking farm so," He puts his hand out and I grab it to stabilize myself. My legs are wobbly when I hit the ground. I have never been this high and I don't know if I want to be ever again. "Your cousin's cripple is scary," I find myself leaning my whole body on him. He brings me closer by wrapping his arm around my shoulder and helping me to the door. "Is your mom asleep?"
"I don't know," I shrug my shoulders and open the front door. The bright lights immediately catch me off guard but I'm quickly snapped back when I hear familiar yelling. I almost drop to the floor when my brain picks up on it. "Pigeon—"
"Why—why is Weston here?" I try to leave JJ's side but he pulls me back. "JJ—my mom could be in trouble!" I'm really trying my hardest to be logical right now but my words are still quiet and I can barely form a coherent thought. JJ and I look each other in the eyes. He knows no matter what, I'm going to my mom. "I'm coming with you—"
"No! I can do this," His hand goes out to mine and he hesitates but I move my hand forward to let him know it's okay. JJ grabs it gently,"I'm not concerned that you can't do this but you don't have to do it alone."
I want to fucking kiss him. I have to turn away from him before my inebriated brain does kiss him and make my life harder. "JJ! Go home!"
"No. I'm not letting you get fucking hurt." There's a look in his eyes I can't recognize but the yelling distracts me before I can figure it out.
I do not want JJ getting hurt and he fucking will, not might, he will be hurt if he's comes with me but the yelling gets louder and louder from my moms room and I make a B-line for her room. "Sam!" JJ calls out after me. I get to her bedroom door and a second later so does JJ but before he can stop me I swing the door open.
My mom and Weston stop their arguing when the door hits the wall with a loud thud because of how hard I swing it open. I can't tell if my deep breathing is from my high or seeing Weston or a mix of both.
"Baby, leave! He was just leaving!" My mom yells at me but I think it was really more at Weston. Weston slowly turns around and I almost want to look away so I don't even have to see his face but I don't and I stand my ground as best as I can with wobbly legs. I lean on the doorway and wait for him to say something stupid.
"Sammy, how are you?" The nickname that I adored as a child is ruined because he has called me that my whole life. I haven't seen him in months and I was hoping I'd never have to see him again.
Weston starts walking towards me but I'm not scared. "You brought your guard dog?" He refers to JJ. "Why are you here?" JJ asks the question before I do. I don't even need to turn to JJ to know his jaw and fists are clenched. He's watching Weston like a hawk and I know it. "I wanted to see my family—"
"We are not your family. You lost us the second you put a hand on me all those years ago!" I scream at him and this time I know my words aren't quiet. I can feel my high slipping away and being replaced with another high, adrenaline. "Sam!" My mom yells. It's not that she doesn't agree, she just doesn't want it to escalate.
"May I remind you, you have a whole ass different family because you cheated on mom!" His calm exterior that he was trying to front completely changes as soon as I mention Blake and Vanessa. "You leave them out of this!" He shoves a finger in my face and I swat it away making him more pissed off. JJ grabs my arm and lightly tries to pull me away but I don't move. "You're the one who sent them to us!"
"I thought you'd want to get to know them! Let me do one nice thing!" The manipulation into trying to make me feel bad. Does he think I have sympathy for him? "You lied! To them and to Marcus and I our whole lives and you think that's nice?!"
The switch in his eyes let me know that it's about to get ugly—quick. "You think The Cameron's would keep me away? You left me with nothing in that house while you live it up in their house. I'm your father!"
He's jealous so jealous it's turned into anger. I accidentally let out a laugh as I stare at him and his crazy eyes. "The fuck are you laughing at?" I hear the front door open and I know the boys are home because Marcus has been out with them all day. I want them to go back out because I know how this is going to end.
"Dad?" Marcus' voice is quiet as it travels down the hallway. Weston looks away from me and starts to walk towards my little brother but I step in front of him despite JJ and my mom's protests. I literally walk backwards just so he won't be in my brother's face. "Move!" He yells as we both stop. "No!" My eyes drift over his shoulder and to see JJ who looks so worried and pissed and just so many things.
He needs to go home. My mom approaches him and whispers something but whatever it was JJ shakes his head no. "Weston! Leave my property before I call the fucking cops!" Brandon yells. Justin shows 911 already being on his phone so he's ready at any moment.
"Your property has my family on it!" This bold statement about us now being his family is rooted in something. Whether it be manipulation or because he's alone—it isn't working. No one feels bad. I lean back a little so Marcus can hear me, "Go to your room, now."
"No! What if you guys get hurt?" His tone is full of worry. "Marcus—go!" He gives up and marches upstairs but Weston pushes me out of the way. It doesn't even physically hurt but I still get pissed. Marcus sees what's happening and runs quicker up the stairs.
Weston tries to run to him but I grab his shirt and he goes back a bit. I hear Justin gasp. "Leave him the fuck alone—" A sharp pain goes across my face and I know it's a slap from Weston. I hold my hand against my cheek and it's burning hot. "You motherfucker!" JJ yells at Weston. "JJ, DON'T!" JJ swings at Weston but the hit doesn't land because Justin holds him back as JJ yells and curses.
It doesn't even phase Weston while I feel the tears welling up but also anger. Weston turns back to me, "You're lucky I don't have time for you and your boyfriend's shit. I'm leavin' this fucking house. Y'all are worthless and it's been proven time and time again."
His words do basically nothing to me as I've heard them so much. I send daggers into his head as he leaves and slams the door. I see Marcus jump slightly at the door slamming and even I jump a bit but it's only enough for myself to notice. "Sam, are you okay?" My mom tries to comfort me but I shrug her off. I turn to look at JJ and see Justin let go of him. His eyes light up but I find myself being mad at JJ. I told him to fucking go home and then he tired to fucking fight him. "Sunshine—"
"Don't! Don't, JJ," I step back from him and the feeling around everyone and everything immediately changes. He's confused but still tries to comfort me.
"JJ, I'm not a fucking damsel in distress!" An offended look washes over his face,"I never fucking said you were! He slapped you and you want me to do nothing?" My mom glances between us and then gave us space. The boys follow suit. JJ looks around astonished. "I don't need your fucking help, JJ! And people need to stop calling you my boyfriend, it's getting ridiculous," I flail my arms around in anger.
His face falls, "You hate it that much?" Is that really what he's focusing on?
"I was trying to protect you and I'm getting shit on?" I let out an airy laugh, "You don't need to protect me! I dealt with him my whole life—"
"I want to fucking protect you! We've been over this! I—care about you so much. Why won't you fucking let me do what I do best?" I know he has good intentions but he cannot keep treating me like I cannot do shit when he fucking knows I can, he's said it himself so many times but then contradicts himself a day later. "You could've gotten hurt, JJ! That was impulsive and ridiculous."
I'm crying again, I've been doing it so much I'm wondering if I'll run out. "Everything I fucking do lately for you is a problem. I never have once doubted you but all you seem to do is doubt me!" He glances over my face, waiting for me to say something but I had no idea what to say. We've been so hot and cold lately. "I'm leavin'. See you tomorrow at school."
I watch JJ leave my house and get ready for the door to slam but it never does. I stand in the entrance to my house wondering what the fuck am I supposed to do.
Will anything ever be okay? I was hurt by everyone in my life and everything so how am I supposed to know when something is okay in the first place?