TW: Sexual content
I groan when the morning alarm goes off one Tuesday morning. Negan drags me towards him and grins.
'It's another beautiful morning, sweetheart.'
'Another beautiful day doing laundry', I complain. 'I can't do this, I need a vacation. Do you do vacation days around here?
'Not usually, but maybe I can make an exception', he says, kissing my shoulder. 'Where do you wanna go?'
'Hm, I don't know. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?' I ask him, turning around to look at him.
'How 'bout the Caribbean? Get a nice house near the sea. Blue skies, clear water, palm trees. We'll walk around naked all day and I'll fuck you on the beach.'
'Sounds good', I laugh. 'Will you book the flight?'
'I will', he grins, sliding his hands over my body. 'But just in case it doesn't work out, maybe I should just fuck you right here to be sure.'
He kisses me and slides his hand between my legs. This is how it goes most of the time now. We stay up late to have sex, then we wake up in the morning and do it again. But in between I sleep so well that I still have more energy than I've had in years.
My body responds to his touch and I let my tongue roll over his as he puts his fingers to work expertly. Getting excited, I pull him on top of me and open my legs to him. He enters me quickly, his dick already hard, like it always is in the morning. I wrap my legs around him while he bends over me to kiss my mouth, my neck, my breasts and I dig my fingers into his back as he fucks me into ecstasy. It doesn't take long for both of us to come. Afterwards, we lie in each other's arms for a couple more minutes, until Negan's personal alarm goes off, indicating that breakfast has started.
'Shit, I have to go if I want to eat anything', I say, getting up from the bed reluctantly. Negan kisses me, but stays in bed. He gets to decide how late he gets up himself. I jump into the shower and get dressed quickly. Then I kiss him goodbye before I leave.
'Have a good day, sweetheart', he says, sleepily.
'You too, darling. See you tonight.'
'Can't wait', he smiles.
---
The day goes by uneventfully and after dinner I decide to catch some fresh air by myself. It's halfway through February now and although it's still cold, at least the days are getting longer again. I walk around the factory, greeting people here and there. I know most of the faces now and recognize quite a few people from drawing their portraits. Eventually I sit down at one of the picknick tables to sketch a little, but after a while I'm interrupted by an unexpected someone.
'Hi', a pretty redhead in a black dresses greets me. 'Can I join you?'
I look up in surprise at Negan's wife, Frankie. She's never talked to me since that first night when Negan took me to their room. I've been avoiding that place like the plague ever since.
'Um, sure', I say. She smiles and takes a seat on the other side of the table. Then she opens up her hand to show me something.
'I found this in Negan's room this afternoon. It's yours, isn't it?'
I blush when I recognize the necklace he gave me in her hand.
'Oh! Uhm...' I stumble. I realize she must know why I've been in his room and it makes me feel awkward.
'It's okay', she says, handing me the necklace. 'We all know about your situation. Negan told us not to talk about it.'
'Thank you', I say awkwardly, taking the necklace from her to stuff it into my pocket. I force myself to smile at her, but I don't really know what else to say. Why was she in his room this afternoon? We just had sex this morning and I'll see him again tonight, is that not enough for him? I shouldn't be upset about this, I know exactly who he is. But I can't help but wonder if he feels the same way with her as he does with me.
She studies me a little, making me feel quite uncomfortable. Just as I'm about to say something to break this strange tension, she starts to speak.
'Can I ask you something?'
'Sure', I say, although I'm not sure I really like talking to her.
'Why did you go back to Negan after he let you out of his deal?'
So she knows about that too? I wonder what he tells his wives about me. Did he tell them everything? It kind of feels like he broke my trust.
'I um...' I'm not sure what to say. Frankie looks at me expectantly. She seems nice enough, but I wonder why she wants to talk to me. 'I don't know, we talked about things and I guess I just like to be with him', I answer a little vaguely. I don't need to tell her the details of everything I've been through.
'Hm', she says, raising her eyebrow a little. 'I'm only asking because I know why all of us are with him. I was wondering if you're getting anything out of it or if you really just like him.'
'What do you get out of it?' I ask a little defensively.
'I volunteered', she sighs. 'It's easier, isn't it? I get everything I want.'
She studies her nails as she speaks. I remember the way they reacted to Negan that first night. It's very clear that they don't like him. I think about his wives as little as possible, but now that she's sitting right across from me, I can't just pretend like they don't exist.
'Is that why all of you are with him?' I ask her a little quietly. 'You all volunteered?'
If it's their own choice, it's all right, isn't it? I mean, I still don't like it, of course, but at least he's not forcing anyone. Frankie raises her eyes back to me.
'Various reasons. Tanya and me just took his offer. Amber needs medication for her mom. She wouldn't have made it this long, otherwise.'
My heart sinks a little. That sounds a lot like the deal he made me.
'She's the girl with the long blond girl, right?'
I've seen her around. I saw her that day with Kieran and Alex when we were smoking outside. She always has this sad look on her face. Frankie nods.
'She gave up her boyfriend to be with him. Must be hard, to be with a man, when you really love someone else, don't you think? At least I was alone.'
I shift uncomfortably on the bench thinking back to how I felt when I was with Negan in the beginning. My mind was always on Kieran.
'Does he um... does he treat you okay?' I ask her. I can't close my eyes to this anymore. This entire situation with his wives is so far from normal. Far from right. Frankie laughs a little.
'Never raised a hand to any of us. But we keep in line. We stick to his rules. Don't talk to other men without his permission. Don't even look at another man without his permission. Keep him happy. Whatever he wants, whenever he wants. There was this girls once that "cheated" on him... Things turned ugly. He didn't hurt her, but she wasn't the same after he was done with her boyfriend.'
I lower my eyes, feeling rather sick about the things she's telling me. It's so easy to forget what he's really like when we're alone. But maybe I've been keeping my eyes closed too much.
'I should thank you', she continues. 'We've all been having a lot of time to ourselves lately.'
I look up at her and see her studying me. What kind of person am I to be with a man that treats women like his property? Maybe not me, not anymore, but that shouldn't matter. I wonder what she thinks about me.
'Thank you', I say, closing my sketchbook and getting up from the table. 'For the necklace. Um, I should go.'
'Sure', she smiles. 'See you around.'
I nod and force a smile before I turn around and hurry to my room. I don't go to Negan's room that night.
---
My talk with Frankie has left me unsettled, so I decide to sleep alone in my room a couple of nights. Or at least, I spend the night in my room. I still don't sleep well on my own. I keep going back and forth about what I should do about Negan. I love to spend time with him, I can't deny that anymore. And when we're together, he's not the intimidating leader that everyone else sees. He's sweet. Funny. After all the time we spent together and the things we've been through, I do believe he really cares about me. And I care about him.
But I hate so much of what he does. Getting all these women to be his 'wives'. You can't tell me Amber wants to be with him. I'm sure he thinks it's okay because she agreed to his deal, but what choice does she have if her mother dies in the alternative? It's the same thing he did to me. And then there's the way he punishes people. It's always violent. So violent. I understand that this is a different world now, but surely there must be another way?
So I haven't seen him in a couple of days and I'm about to turn in for another sleepless night when there's a knock on my door. It's after curfew, so I wonder who it is. I open the door and find Negan leaning against the doorpost. I should have known he'd come to see me eventually.
'Hi', I say, a little taken aback by his unexpected visit.
'Hi', he smiles. Of course, he has no idea about my confliction. 'Can I come in?'
I nod and step back. He enters the room and closes the door before he kisses me. I don't turn away, but I don't lean into the kiss like I usually do. Negan lets me go and studies me with a frown.
'What's going on? I haven't seen you in days.'
'Nothing', I say, forcing a smile. I'm not sure I want to talk to him about everything yet and he's making me feel nervous showing up here. Negan raises his eyebrow.
'Did I do something wrong?'
'No', I answer a little doubtfully. I bite my lip, not sure what to say.
Negan looks confused, but takes a step towards me.
'Okay', he says, grabbing my waist. 'Well, I missed you. Why don't you come up to my room? Or I could stay here, spend the night in that cosy bed of yours', he grins, leaning in to kiss me. This time I do turn away and I put my hands on his chest to keep a little distance between us. I don't know if I want this right now and he's making me uncomfortable.
Negan pulls back, but still holds on to my waist. He looks at me questioningly. I'm sure it's confusing to him.
'I just need some time to myself', I say.
'Why? Last time I saw you, everything was fine.'
'Yes, it was great', I snap. 'And then you take your wife to bed right after I'm gone.'
He raises his eyebrows, surprised by my outburst. Shit, I didn't even want to say it. He finally lets me go and takes a step back, crossing his arms.
'Are you jealous, Lara?'
'No', I spit. That's not true, I am jealous. I don't want him to sleep with other women. But it's more than that. 'I just... I don't know if I want to do this anymore, Negan.'
I cross my arms too and watch his reaction. His eyebrows pull down into a frown and he still looks confused. A bit hurt too, maybe.
'You've always known about my wives. Why is it a problem all of a sudden?'
'Surely you can guess that I don't like it', I say a little agitatedly. 'But that's not even the problem. I can live with it if you sleep with other women. But this whole thing you have going on with them isn't normal. I was talking to-', just in time, I catch myself. I don't know for sure that Frankie won't get into trouble if I tell Negan she came to talk to me. 'One of your wives', I finish my sentence. 'She told me about all these crazy rules you have for them. You treat them like you own them. Like they're your property or something.'
'I do own them', he says rather dangerously. 'I own everybody in this goddamn place. Which one of my wives were you talking to?'
'You don't own people, Negan', I say angrily. 'You may be in control of us, but we should all get to decide what we do with our own bodies. Who we want to talk to or even look at, for fuck's sake!'
'I asked who you were talking to', he says again, ignoring everything I'm saying. He takes a threatening step in my direction and I back away.
'Does it matter?' I ask. Now I'm sure I won't tell him I talked to Frankie.
'I ask you a question, you answer it', he says angrily, hitting the top of a cabinet with his fist. I flinch at his anger, but I don't give in.
'Ask them yourself', I spit at him.
He takes another step towards me, so I step back again and I hit the wall. My heart rate picks up as he looks at me angrily, his nostrils flaring. He won't hurt me, will he? He's never hurt me, not even in the beginning. But he's never looked so angry.
'What the fuck did she tell you?' he asks.
'Nothing that's not true. If you get so upset about it then you must know it's wrong', I say, raising my voice too.
'I treat my wives just fine. They have nothing to complain about. If they do have a problem, they can talk about it to me in stead of setting you up against me.'
'I have a problem and I'm trying to talk to you about it and look at your reaction!' I shout. 'She didn't set me up against you, she just made me realize I've been closing my eyes to all the horrible things you do.'
'For someone who thinks I'm so horrible, you've been spending a lot of fucking time with me. Could have sworn you seemed to enjoy it.'
'I don't think you're horrible', I say desperately, stepping back towards him. 'Haven't we had this conversation before? I thought you got it, after Ramon. I like you, I like spending time with you. But the way you treat your wives and the way you punish people, keep them under control... it isn't right. It's cruel.'
'You've been here a whole 4, 5 months and you think you know how to run this place better than me?' he says with a raised voice. 'Sweetheart, if it was up to you, we'd be handing out puppies at the front door, wouldn't we? Invite everybody in with open arms. You break a rule? Never mind, better luck next time. Until they fuck us over and take everything we've got.'
I make an effort not to step back again, but I can feel my legs shaking. I think back to the night we got here, how much he scared me. Are we really getting back to that?
'That's not what I'm saying, I-'
'You're a great fuck, but I don't need your advice, honey. I know damn well how to run this place and the way I treat my wives is none of your fucking business.'
I lower my eyes, stung by his condescending words, but he grabs my chin roughly and makes me look at him again.
'Am I making myself clear?' he asks authoritatively, glaring at me.
'Very', I snarl. I hope my eyes look angry, not scared. I'm feeling both.
'Good. Now let's forget about all this shit and have some fun, shall we?'
I'm shocked when he actually presses his lips onto mine and raise my hand. He lets me go in surprise when I hit his cheek hard.
'What the hell do you think, asshole?' I hiss at him.
He shakes his head before he turns his eyes back to me. He looks so angry that I do back away against the wall this time. He clenches his fist and for a second I think he's going to hit me back.
'Big mistake, sweetheart', he spits. Then he turns around and nearly pulls my door off its hinges as he strides away with angry steps. My heart is in my throat as I watch the open door swing back slowly. Shakily, I get off the wall to close it completely, but before I can, I'm greeted with a pair of concerned green eyes.
'What the hell was that about?' Kieran asks.