Chapter song: Cough Syrup- Young the Giant
She was swimming again.
I had to stop myself from dropping my bag and sliding to the floor. I felt my knees buckle anyway. Just to sit there and watch her in her element. She was always beautiful when she swam. It was an almost unexplainable beauty. Seeing the way her muscles contracted and moved with her.
It wasn't just her though. It was being able to see her doing something she cared about. How natural she was at it. There was a grace she carried as she swam. It was incredible watching her. I understood why people loved watching swimmers. It was magnetic about it. It seemed impossible that people could move through the water like that.
Holy shit I couldn't believe it. Since when did she start swimming again? I didn't think she ever would. Why did I feel myself getting worked up over it? I was proud of her.
I wiped the grin off of my face and found my way back to Ty's office. I barged in since his door was already open and threw my stuff on the chair next to me plopping down.
"Do you know who's downstairs right now?" I asked him folding my arms.
"Shawn White," Ty said swiveling to face me.
"Okay, now that would be sick, but no." I raised my brows, "Kenny."
"Oh I know," he said with no surprise.
"What?"
"She started coming like two days ago. I sat and talked to her yesterday." He clicked a pen. "I think it's helping her."
"Yeah she always liked it to take her mind off things," I muttered rubbing my jaw.
I needed to shave but I wanted to wait a few extra days to have a clean shave before the wedding. Just a few more days, I could do it. It was driving me nuts though.
"Is that why you're up here," he smiled.
"That and also what are we doing for dinner?"
"You look so genuinely proud right now man. Don't even try to fight it." He teased. "Or change the subject."
Dammit I knew I shouldn't have come up here. He'll never let me live it down now. I should have just went home and fended for myself.
"Shouldn't we all be proud of her? I mean she dropped a sport years ago that she loved more than anything, and who knows if she ever got back in the water? Now she's using it as some sort of therapy or something. We should be proud of her."
He tilted his head thinking about it. "You're right. It is a pretty big thing."
"I know, that's why I said it."
"We're going to the wedding together."
"What?"
Jesus. I really shouldn't have come up here. Oh the dread began to pool into my stomach thick and sludge like. I wanted to puke.
"Just as friends."
"Mhmm," I rubbed my jaw some more.
"Are you mad?" He raised brow tapping his pen.
"Am I mad that one of my best friends is going to a wedding of our other best friend with my ex girl friend that just so happens to be the groom's sister?"
"Well,"
"Did I forget to mention said ex girlfriend is the Maid of Honor, you're a groomsmen, and I'm the Best Man?"
"No, I think you missed that. Thanks for clearing it up."
"Oh this is messy," I sighed.
I bit back a laugh. It was the only thing I could do. There wasn't any jealously there. I don't know why I was feeling the way I did, but I couldn't help it.
"Cal get over it. It's a friend thing. I don't like her in that way. I never have, she's just fun to tease because she can actually take it and dish it back." Ty rolled his eyes. He was right but god it felt terrible to admit it. "Besides, I wanted you to hear it from me. It's not a big deal but," he trailed off.
"I know, I know," I groaned pinching my nose. "It's just I don't man."
"What do you want?"
"I mean I came up here to tell you about Ken, and ask if we were doing dinner together or if you were working late." I shrugged picking at a piece of skin against my nail. I shouldn't have pulled on it, but I did anyway.
"No." He sighed loud and heavy. Exhausted with my problems. I wanted to laugh because so was I. "I mean what do you really want? With Ken?"
There were so many things I could have said. I wanted my best friend back. I wanted her. I wanted to tell her about everything in my life and listen for hours as she spoke about hers. I wanted to see the life she created for herself an ocean away. Pick her brain and tease each other. I wanted her to love me as much as I loved her. But I knew I couldn't have it.
She was someone I've known most of my life and now she was a stranger. I didn't know this version of her. But I wanted to. I want to know every version of her. The worst the best. But just because you want something doesn't mean you get it.
"What I really want is for her to be happy. I don't give a shit about the role I play in her life anymore as long as she's happy. She deserves that much."
"You know you're allowed to be happy too right?"
"I am," I looked at my feet. I couldn't look at Ty. I don't know why, but I just couldn't.
"Cal, I've known you for years. You don't think I know when somethings going on?"
"I'm fine."
"Look me in the eyes and say it then."
"I'm fine Ty," I stared at him unflinching. He saw right through me.
"It's okay to still love her. And it's okay to want her. But you deserve to be happy just as much as she does."
"How can you not love her?"
"I don't know," he looked down as I stood up. "I don't think it was ever a possibility for you."
"Well," I sighed standing up. "I'm hungry so I'll see you at the house." We didn't have a house but it felt strange saying the apartment.
"I'll send you money if you order or make something."
"Got it."
I was going to vomit.
He was right. He was so fucking right about it all. It was stupid to think these years away from her would magically solve everything. I thought it had until I saw her standing in Liam's living room. It seemed like forever ago at this point.
I didn't peak a glance at the pool on my way out. I just kept going. One foot in front of the other with my eyes focused on the door. If I stopped to think about anything I would throw up. I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't even if I wasn't trying.
I felt so pathetic.
"Hey McCormick wait up," her voice rang out like a melody.
"What's up?" I said turning around. I couldn't look in her eyes.
"You okay?" She sounded uneasy. If I looked at her she'd know.
"Define okay," I forced a laugh and finally met her eyes. Because what was the point. She'd figure it out sooner or later.
Her brows were crinkled together as she looked at me. Trying to unlock the lock I had on my thoughts. She had the key. It was just a matter of if she decided to use it.
"Hey," she said gently reaching for my arm. "Do you need to talk about it?"
"I don't- I don't even know what there is to say," I looked up at the sky. I didn't know why I was getting so worked up. Everything felt like it was closing in and I couldn't breathe.
"Come here," she said as she ushered me to my car. She patiently waited for me to unlock it before she took a seat in the passenger side. It was a normal procedure for her except it wasn't.
"If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. But I want you to know that I'm here for you if you want to talk." She reached for my hand and I felt the slightest touch. "And I'm not going to let you drive until seem a little more calm. Take all the time you need but give me your keys."
As much as I wanted to wrap my hand around her and intertwine our fingers I couldn't. I just couldn't. How had we come so far yet be so fucking lost?
I was lost. I felt I kept slipping and couldn't get a grip on the ledge. If I didn't get ahold of it soon I'd be falling. For who knows how long.
"Do you remember Freshman year of highschool when you went on a date with a senior?" I asked her trying to smile dropping my keys in her hands.
"Yeah. Ethan, why?"
"That was the first time I was really jealous of another guy."
"We're you really?" She gasped. "Why?"
"I don't know. I didn't even know I had those kinds of feelings for you then. I guess that's when it started and I just didn't know." I sighed rubbing my eyes. "It wasn't until right before junior year that I thought maybe just maybe you liked me too."
"I did," she whispered.
"I know, but it sounds stupid to say."
"It's stupid that you have feelings?" She raised a brow. "You're allowed to have feelings."
"I know I know. And even when I dated Noelle, she knew I had feelings for you."
"Yeah, I guess she did."
"I apologized to her you know?" I looked at her.
"When?"
"When I broke up with her. She cheated but I still felt guilty," I pursed my lips. "Then again during senior year, homecoming I think."
"I wanted to ask you to homecoming junior year, but I was too afraid." I said when she didn't say anything.
"But I couldn't go."
"Yeah but I wanted you as a specific date if you were going to go. I just knew Liam wouldn't be into it. I guess I got lucky with that one huh?"
"I think he finally got over it," she smiled.
We sat there in silence. I knew she was still confused but I think she understood where I was going with everything.
"Do you ever wish you could go back in time and make a different choice to see how different your life would be?" I couldn't look at her.
"Yeah I do actually." She paused and grabbed my hand again. "What would you change?"
"I don't know for sure but I would like to see a few different things. Maybe just actually asking you out on a date instead of playing games."
"We were kids Cal. Besides it's made both of us better."
"I know I know," I trailed off.
"Do you think we would have stayed together throughout highschool if you did just ask me out on a date?" She asked. Her tone was neutral for once. How could she be so calm right now.
"I don't know. I don't think so," I looked at her.
"Yeah, something always seemed to pull us apart huh?" She gave me a sad beautiful smile. I wish I had a picture of how she looked at me. "We never got a happy ending did we?"
"Maybe we were never supposed to," I shrugged. "But at least we got a happy middle or something like that."
"Yeah," she smiled brushing her thumb against me. A happy middle, or chance, or something like that."
"I feel like I'm sinking," I muttered. She nodded in response.
Nobody but her has ever understood me in that way. The silent looks and nods. Not having to explain myself using words. She just knew.
"I was so mad at you for so long. And I hated that I was mad at you." I admitted.
It was a long time coming this talk. I didn't think it would have been today but I just couldn't take it anymore.
"And then I was more mad at myself for being mad at you." I sighed. I looked at her pleadingly. Wishing she would just say something. "And then I saw you in Liam's living room. I wanted to drop to my knees and make you forgive everything I was holding against you, Ken."
"I shut down." She said meeting my eyes. "I shut down and ran because I was too afraid to face my feelings. You had every right to be mad."
"Are you kidding me? Your sister died. She fucking died and I was mad at you for not staying. That's selfish as shit." I wanted to laugh. Here we were playing a game of who had it worse. "I needed you but for different reasons."
"You said it yourself she was family too. You lost her just as much as we did."
"Yeah but she was yours," I leaned against my seat. "I was drowning at school and lacrosse. I wasn't happy and I missed you. That's it."
"But you needed me and I needed you. And I left anyways. Because I couldn't face the truth."
"Yeah," I whispered.
"And I knew all of that and still left. I could have been there for you." It was her turn to let out a breath. "I watched you break that day of the funeral. In the backyard? I swear, Cal, I watched your heart shatter."
"And I still left. Because I couldn't face any of it. I couldn't face what I did to you. I knew what I said and what it would do to you. And I still said those words. It was cruel. Even now I sit and get a smile out of you and I think you'll take it back the minute you realize who you're smiling at."
I'd give her all the smiles and laughs and tears forever if I could. But I don't think it's supposed to be this way.
"I have to let you go, Parker," I whispered shutting my eyes. I couldn't look at her. I was a god damn coward.
"I know," she squeezed my hand. "I know."
We sat there. Silence filling the gaps of our words left unsaid.
"We have to let this part go. But I'm always going to be here for you Cal. I'll always be your biggest fan," Kennedy's words filled my lungs. It was like I'd been waiting for her to give me that validation for a lifetime.
"I'm sorry I've made such a mess for you," I gave her a smile. At least I hoped it was.
"I'm not sorry. Because I would do it all over again and make all the same choices if I can keep you in my life regardless of what you are to me."
With that she gently let go of my hand. I had forgotten she was holding it until her presence wasn't there. She slipped out of the car without another word, and I felt my entire chest crack.