Reviewer: Zo
Author: Mitali2203
Before I get onto the review, a little note; I tend to be extremely harsh or critical, so I hope that none of my words offend you in any way and that you use them to better your story. Okay, let's go.
My first impression of the story was nice, the title is apt, and had a deeper meaning once I read the story, so I liked it. The book cover is also nice, the black and white scheme is related to the sad theme of the story.
The blurb... now that's where I wasn't satisfied. It's basically three quotes from the story and an excerpt. A blurb is supposed to give a little insight into the story, and what the readers should expect, without spoiling anything. This blurb doesn't do that. Reading it for the first time, I was confused, because I had no idea what was coming for me, and when I realized that they were just excerpts, I was disappointed. To add to that, there are grammar errors present. So, I'd advise the author to make changes in your blurb, that'd help.
Entering the story itself, I liked it very much, the message was clear, and the emotions were deeply felt. It was really short though, and before I go ahead, I know it was a one-shot, but still, I felt that it ended way too quickly. I would've loved it if the author had added more insight into their relationship before they fell apart, and how Yoongi spent his time after Jimin left. It would've added much more to the story.
Now, I was extremely put off by all the grammar errors in the story, because that just takes away from the heart-touching effect created by the author. First of all, the tenses are messed up, big time. It went from present tense to past unnecessarily and switched back to present, for no obvious reason. I would advise the author to proofread the story once and stick to one tense throughout the story because continually changing the tenses is extremely confusing to the reader.
Second, punctuation. It is also messed up, because there are places where punctuation wasn't necessary, but added, and there were places where commas and periods were required, but not placed. In the general story, I can't point out everywhere they were missing, so proofreading, or going to an editor would help for that. What I can point out, is the missing punctuation in dialogues. Almost every dialogue doesn't have a punctuation mark at the end, before the quotation mark.
Many people are unaware of the very important grammatical rule in dialogues punctuation. In simple words, they are 'comma-before-dialogue-tag' and 'period-before-action-tag'. Dialogue tags are basically words that describe a type of dialogue, such as said, asked, replied, etc. and so we use a comma when we close the dialogue. Action tags are what they are; action tags like running, swimming, wearing clothes, etc., and a period is used to close it. Here's a simple example.
"This is annoying," he said. [comma-before-dialogue-tag]
"This is annoying." He rolled his eyes. [period-before-action-tag]
Hope that helps everyone who reads this review haha. Next, ellipsis. Those dots <...> are only three, nothing more, nothing less. Now, the pov change put me off, because it seemed... uneven. I would suggest either keeping the entire story in the author's pov, or showing both Jimin's pov, and Yoongi's pov. I suggest the former because it would help a lot. Why? Well, because Yoongi's pov was really messed up because he referred to Jimin as 'you'. That's incorrect, because we, the readers, aren't Jimin. Using 'you' anywhere except in dialogue will be understood as the reader, not the character. Always use he/him or she/her or they/them depending on who the character is, especially when it is a character pov.
The story is touching, and, despite the errors, I liked reading it. I hope this elaborately long review helps the author rectify their errors. Hwaiting!
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to message the reviewer yourself or tag MochiSaysLachimolala in a comment here --->