Harper
He pulled up to my house and got out, opening the door for me. I gave him a smile as I stepped out.
We stood, in awkward silence, staring at each other.
I would've found solace in the quietness surrounding us but I didn't like the way he was looking at me.
Mainly because I was absolutely confused by the way it made me feel.
I cleared my throat and took a gentle step back. He didn't say anything. Instead, he sent me a curt nod.
"I'll see you around?"
"You will," he replied.
I smiled absentmindedly, perking up at the thought of seeing him again.
And with that, I turned around and made my way to my front porch steps.
I unlocked the door and stepped inside. Not before giving him one last smile. Then, I shut the door and let out a sigh.
I heard him get in his car and drive off.
The warmth left my heart once more and the emptiness returned. This time, I felt more hollow inside than ever.
I didn't mind being alone. It was the loneliness that really bothered me.
And that's what I was. Lonely. The feeling came and went, in waves.
I slipped off my shoes and turned on the lights. I could feel the silence in the house which only made the loneliness truly sink in.
Sometimes, it made me feel as though I had no true purpose in life. After all, what's the point of living if you're alone? To live for myself, is what I like to think.
But that's just the thing! It's my life. I've made it this far and I'm not going to crumble down again.
I can't let it happen.
A week ago, I wasn't feeling this way. I was doing just fine on my own until he came back into my life.
His presence was a reminder of how easy it was to break me, a reminder that I was weak. A reminder that I was lonely.
But his presence was also a reminder that I was able to overcome the heartache. A reminder that I was strong. A reminder that I didn't need anyone.
I was better off by myself.
Yet, I still wanted to see him. I didn't care that he was the only person to lay their hands on my heart—and body. The first person to throw all that away without any remorse. The only person who could ruin me, break me, destroy me.
The only person who could mend the shattered pieces of my heart back together. The only person who could fix me.
My thoughts shot back and forth. I can't even keep up anymore.
One part of me wants him, the other part of me is scared.
It's so stupid.
I wanted to laugh at my idiotic feelings and thoughts.
I went into the kitchen to prepare something to eat. It was ten to five and I had quite the appetite.
Today had been...eventful. I don't think I've smiled and laughed so much and felt this happy in a while.
I know it didn't really mean anything. We were just two people hanging out.
It was nothing more, nothing less.
And I sincerely hoped he was thinking hard on everything like I was.
I hoped thoughts ran through his mind, making everything seem more complicated.
I hoped he was just as confused as I was about it all.
No actually, I hoped he actually knew what he wanted, unlike me.
But most importantly, I wished I was driving him just as crazy as he makes me.
It was a funny thing to wish for. But if I'm going down, he is too.
I will sure as hell drag him with me. And together, we would get up.
I might've gotten away last time, but this time, there's no telling on what could happen.
I don't think he's willing to watch me walk away, to let me go, to lose me.
Deep inside, I felt a fire, burning with passion and desire igniting and I knew it would only grow from here.
Then the fear slowly enveloped my feelings. I think I'm drowning again.
Only he can save me. So will he? I don't know.
Groaning in frustration, I buried my face in my hands, whilst standing in the middle of the kitchen.
Why? I asked myself. Why me? And why again?
After a while, I sobered up and decided the best way to get my mind off of things—off of him was to busy myself with making dinner. Cooking never failed to relieve me of my stress.
I washed my hands and gathered everything I needed to make a nice Poke Bowl—my sudden craving.
It's quick, easy and absolutely delicious.
I started off by washing and boiling the rice. While I waited, I washed and chopped up some vegetables and fruits: avocado, cucumbers, carrots and mango.
Next, I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and scooped some rice into it as it was ready and mixed it with rice vinegar. I placed all the toppings on the rice and added sesame seeds and sriracha mayo.
I didn't add any salmon because I don't like fish. There's nothing wrong with it, you're supposed to put it in. It's like one of the main ingredients. Still, I don't like it. Never have, never will.
I brought the bowl over to the couch and sat down, curling up to the side, leaning against the arm rest.
I used my chopsticks to mix everything together and finally enjoyed my food.
This was the normal routine, eating alone.
Nora wasn't home much because she had college and her own friends.
I didn't mind, usually.
For some reason, it's only recently I'm letting the past finally catch up to me. I've begun to feel the loneliness inside of me.
I thought I had worked passed it all. Guess I was wrong.
Or maybe he's bringing it all back.
Either way, I hated it.
I finished up my food pretty quickly and packed the leftovers into the fridge.
I had a few things to do, work stuff so I went up to my room and busied myself, typing away at my computer for the next hour.
At seven thirty, I decided I should take quick nap.
Now, I lay on my bed, staring off into space. My mind over flooded with thoughts and I sort of just let it be.
Obviously, I wasn't able to actually fall asleep.
I realized it wasn't really the emptiness consuming me, it was fear.
I was scared of him. Scared of what he could do to me. Of how he could make me feel.
In the short amount of time since he's been back, all the things I had repressed are resurfacing and will bite me in the ass sooner or later.
Someone's going to get hurt.
I don't think that will stop him. Only time will tell.
Someone knocked on my door, breaking me out of my thoughts. I instantly sat up on my bed.
"Harper?" Nora called.
"Yeah?"
"Are you getting ready?"
"No?"
She opened the door and leaned against the door frame, one hand on her hip.
"What are you doing then? Go!"
I looked at her. She looked at me.
Before I knew it, I was ushered into my walk-in closet.
I went over to the section where I kept all my dresses and studied each one.
I settled on the short black silk dress and my black high platform heels, "How's this?" I asked.
"Put it on."
I had expected her to get out but she remained stationary.
"I need privacy."
She snapped out of whatever pensive state she was in, "Oh yeah! Sorry."
I laughed and wiggled my eyebrows at her suggestively, "Or you could stay."
She snorted, "Shut up," she walked out of the closet accordingly.
I changed out of my clothes and put on the dress. I admired myself in the mirror, loving how the fabric felt on my skin and the way it hugged my body in all the right places.
Satisfied, I nodded and exited my closet with my high platforms in hand.
She was sitting on my bed and as soon as she saw me, her eyes scanned my appearance.
Her lips formed into a smirk, "I'm jealous of whoever gets all that tonight."
"So, you're jealous of yourself."
Her smirked widened, "Oh?"
"Okay now get out! I need to do my makeup."
She rolled her eyes in a playful manner and exited my room, her laugh followed after her.
I shook my head in amusement and went into my bathroom.
I was going for a glamorous look so I started with my base, primer and foundation. Once I blended it in, I applied a little blush on my cheekbones. Then I put highlighter on my high points. Next, I did my eyeliner and decided on a light smokey eye.
I finished off with pink lipgloss and looked at myself in the mirror.
If only the old Harper could see me now. I've gotten so much better at doing makeup.
I smiled to myself.
Then, I did my hair. I curled it a little, leaving it down.
Perfect.
Nodding, I headed back to my room and checked my outfit one more time in the body mirror. Satisfied, I put on my high platforms.
I felt the nervousness starting to sink in. The thoughts began crowding my mind.
I gave myself a mental pep talk
Tonight is going to be fun. I'll have a good time. It will help me forget him for a little while. It's going to be just fine.
Before I could have any further hesitation, I exited my room and went downstairs.
I got this.
Nora was waiting by the door, looking as gorgeous as ever. She looked up from her phone and shot me a wink. "Ready?"
"Yeah."
We walked out of the house and got inside her car. I turned on the music and 'Cruel Summer' by Taylor Swift filled the car.
We sang the lyrics to all the songs on her playlist together as she drove.
It felt good.
My mind wasn't engulfed with thoughts and memories of him.
I wasn't even thinking about him.
The ghosts of the past weren't haunting me anymore.
Just for the moment, the past was the past and I focused on the present. I felt free, at ease.
Ten minutes later, we found ourselves, showing our IDs to the bouncer and walking inside the club.
She grabbed my hand, dragging me to the bar. It was quite the challenge since the place was very crowded.
And it's only nine forty five.
A drink was placed in front of me. I looked at the contents cautiously.
"Apple Martini." She said, I nodded and brought the glass to my mouth, taking a sip. And another then I finished the drink.
The alcohol entered my system and whatever nervousness that was left, slowly faded away.
We enjoyed a couple more drinks together as we chatted.
"May I have this dance?" she asked, holding out her hand towards me.
I grinned, placing my hand in hers, "Of course." She dragged me to the dance floor and I twirled her around.
She threw her head back, laughing and placed her hands on my hips.
We danced to the music, catching the attention of everyone around us.
We paid them no mind. I've never felt so carefree.
I stumbled in my steps, clearly very tipsy. She caught me and her eyes widened. "If you wanted to kiss me, you could've just said so."
I scoffed, "I think you're the one who wants to kiss me."
She winked and made a kissy-face. I snorted as she twirled me around.
We were both very drunk.
"I think those guys are looking at us." she whispered in my ear.
I gasped and followed her gaze towards two guys our age approaching us.
"Can I tell you a secret?" I whispered. Her eyes widened in anticipation.
"Oh my gosh, yes. What is it?"
"Those guys look weird."
She nodded her head vigorously, "They do." We looked at each other.
"I want another drink." I announced.
"Me too."
We laughed like idiots for no apparent reason and made our way back to the bar, arm in arm.
"Two Champagnes please." The bartender nodded and placed the drinks in front of us.
"Thank you." I said.
We clinked our glasses together and brought the glasses to our lips at the same time, letting the alcohol burn down our throats.
I finished the drink and looked at her, she looked at me.
I was going to ask if she wanted to dance again but we were interrupted by those guys.
"Hey ladies." One of them said. He had dirty blond hair, green eyes and was staring at Nora.
The other one was a bit taller, brown eyes—I think. It's hard to tell in here. He had blond ish hair and was staring at me.
I felt nauseous.
The bright lights flashing in the darkness of the room, the loud music and alcohol wasn't the best combination.
I smiled up at him nonetheless.
He didn't look that weird. I just didn't like the way he stared at me.
He wasn't my Ace.
My Ace.
He's not mine anymore. I can't call him that. Who's fault is that?
Stop thinking about him. It won't do me any good. All it does is stress me out and make me sad.
It made me feel empty; He made me feel empty.
It made me feel whole; he made me feel whole.
It goes back and forth and never ends.
We might have ended but when will the pain, the headache ever stop?
Why can't he leave me alone?
Deep down, I already knew the answer to that. He doesn't want to. He can't. And I can't let go either.
There's still a small string connecting our hearts together.
After all these years, he still has me in his grasp.
All it took was one glance his way and I'm loosing it again.
Death would never let life go. He'd chase after her when she'd try to leave. And he won't stop until he gets what he wants.
My heart wants to give in; My mind knows it's a bad idea.
Forget about him. Don't forget. Forget. Don't.
Ace. Ace. Ace. Ace.
"What's your name beautiful?" he asked.
"Harper."
"I'm Jaxon."
I glanced at Nora, who was having a nice conversation with the other guy. They seemed to be getting along.
Jaxon rubbed the back of his neck, I think he's nervous.
I got up, grabbing his hands.
There was no spark. No butterflies. No heart slipping a beat.
"You're so beautiful."
No blush.
"Thank you."
He nodded to the dance floor. Spotlight by Lil peep blasted through the room.
I faked a smile and dragged him there. His lips twitched into a smirk as his hands travelled down to my waist and to the small of my back.
I circled my arms around his neck and swayed my hips against him.
It didn't feel right.
He pressed his body against mine.
I felt nothing.
"So? What's a pretty girl like you doing here?"
I shrugged, "To get drunk." I was already very drunk and mentally planned a way to run away.
"Bad break up?"
Just trying to forget about a certain someone.
I felt someone's eyes one me. I must be going crazy.
"I guess you could say that," I said.
"I could help you forget." he brought his lips to my neck and started sucking gentle on my sensitive spot.
I want this to stop.
I moaned quietly and slightly titled my head back.
My head, my heart, everything hurts.
His hands roamed my body. I didn't like it.
I wasn't able to think straight. My mind was in a haze.
And just as the beat dropped, so did my heart. His eyes were on me.
He was here.
Shit.
I thought I was seeing things so I tried to snap out of it.
"You okay?"
I turned my attention back to the man who's arms I was in and tried my best to plaster a fake smile on my face.
"Yeah, sorry." No. I am not okay. He's here. I can feel his eyes on me.
Guilt pierced through my heart. And I felt sick to my stomach.
I snuck a few glances at him, not being able to help myself.
He was sitting in a secluded area to my left, leaning back in his chair, legs spread apart with drink in hand.
His gaze was deadly.
His jaw was clenched and I felt my skin crawl, shivers went up my spine.
If looks could kill, Jaxon would be dead.
Though, a sense a relief filled me. He was here; I wasn't alone anymore.
I watched him finish his drink, his adam's apple moved as the liquid travelled down his throat. My heart did an unnecessary flip in my chest.
Jaxon gripped my face with his hand, tilting my head up to his.
"Let's take this back to my place, yeah?"
Fuck no.
Before I could answer, I was pulled out of his arms.
Ace's arm circled around my waist, pulling me close, flush against him. My back hit his toned chest and I tensed up at our closed proximity.
"No," he answered for me.
"I wasn't asking you."
"And I don't give a shit."
Jaxon caught my eyes, "You know him?" I nodded.
He raised his hands in surrender, "Sorry mate. I didn't know she was yours." Nobody corrected him.
I'm not his. Anymore. Not ye-Stop.
I'm going to break my own heart with all this thinking. Well, that's if he doesn't do it again first.
Ace rolled his eyes, paying Jaxon no mind and turned me around to face him.
I looked up at him, my eyebrows pulling in. As grateful as I am, I'm also confused about why he's here?
How did he know?
"Right. It was nice meeting you Harper." And with that, Ace and I were left alone. In a room, surrounded by lots of people but it was just us.
"I was having fun." I said, with a small pout. My words slurred a bit.
He huffed out a humourless chuckle, "I saw."
I looked down, "I'm sorry." I don't even know why I apologized. He shook his head, wordlessly tightening his arms around me. This felt right. "How did you know I was here?"
"I own it."
My eyes widened momentarily then I smiled, "Creep." he gave me a hard stare, "A handsome creep."
"Better."
I laughed and placed my hands in his, "Let's dance."
He rolled his eyes at the slurring in my voice, "How much did you drink?"
"A lot?"
"You'll regret it tomorrow."
"What's life without a little fun? I'm not going to be all uptight and broody like you." That sounded mean. I sighed, "Dance with me," I pleaded. A smile tugged at my lips when he nodded once.
I lifted his arm, twirling myself around. He gave in and let me do whatever I wanted with him.
Basically, I was the one dancing while he just stood there.
But I knew he wanted to dance. I could see right through his facade.
I swayed my hips against him and slid my hands down his chest. He tensed up at my touch, swallowing hard.
Yeah, that was the alcohol taking over.
I made an attempt to spin him around, it didn't work. I frowned at him and poked his chest. My jaw dropped at how solid it was.
Suddenly, the room felt hot.
I moved my hand to right over his heart, he immediately grabbed my wrist, rather harshly. I froze, entranced by the sparks that tingled on my skin. My heart beat quickened.
I focused on only one thing. His heartbeat. I think it was beating just as quick as mine.
I gazed back up at him, he was already staring intently at me. With that cold, dead look in his eyes while mine flashed with hurt.
"You're no fun. I'm going to find someone else," I pulled myself out of his grip.
I didn't actually want to find someone else, I wanted to go home.
I didn't even take two steps when he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back flush against him. My breath hitched in my throat. Our close proximity made me feel so much, I thought I might faint.
He, on the other hand, didn't seem effected at all. While I had to deal with old feelings coming back, he felt nothing.
"You won't." His deep, demanding tone sent butterflies to my chest. I thought my heart might burst.
"Yes, I will." I said confidently, just to mess with him. Just like how he's messing with me.
A faint smirk twitched at his lips, "Nah. You don't want to."
Confusion crossed over my features at his true statement, "How do you know?"
He brought his hand to my face and tucked a strand of my hair back behind my ear. His eyes pierced through mine and I was blown away by how I reacted towards his touch. To him.
He leaned down and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead.
My chest tightened. Both hatred and desire burning in me.
I want him to kiss me; I don't
I want him; I don't
I think I still love him; I want to hate him
I'm trapped; he's holding me back
I let go; he hasn't
I feel everything; he feels nothing
It was all too overwhelming. I had to get out of here.
I pushed him away from me. And this time, he didn't stop me .
My head hurt and so does my heart. My body felt numb.
Even though we were surrounded by so many people, when I looked back at him, somehow, we were in the spotlight. It was just him and I.
The lights flashed and I saw him, I really saw him. The boy I once called mine. The boy I loved so much—maybe still love, for that matter. The boy who saved me; the boy who let me go, destroyed me. The one I got away from.
The one I left behind.
The one who broke my heart and is still breaking it to this day.
And just as quick as the glimpse entered my vision, he disappeared and standing there was a completely different person.
I almost couldn't recognize him.