Trigger warning
The last time I came to grips with this fledgling rage was when I confronted that same person who first mothered the scars of my past. The echoes of my wrath, fresh as a newly caught meat in my mind. The spread of shattered glass on the floor along with the fragments of my dying tolerance for everyone who caused our bleeding youth was a deafening call from a hundred yesterdays back when I was made to believe the very hope of mine has been slain.
No fuel is needed as my paces picked up. The urgency alone to face her again and strip my son out of her sight kept me pumped. Sabay sa tulin ng mga hakbang ay ang bilis din ng paghinga ko habang natatanaw ang maaaring mangyari sa mga susunod na araw ngayong harap-harapan na niya mismong nakikita ang anak ko!
Aminado akong hindi ko ito masyadong nabibigyang pansin noon. After escaping the confines of her tyranny, I thought that phase of my childhood has ended. That just because I met some good influences and the imperfect love of my life, I thought I have completely broken free.
But I had been blaming myself for situations that weren't really my fault. Or even when it was, I still perpetually crucify myself. My breezing thoughts of dying for I always believe I wasn't worth of any warmth, lest a second-hand devotion. My empathic tendencies... My recurrent desire for self-destruction!
I only had rage without looking deeply into it. That after all these years, despite to have been served with love, I still carry with me the reverberations of her ill disciplines. I have breathed the ashes of verbal persecutions. The rage in me as an armor to defend myself. The rage in me acting as power to violently writhe against the likelihod that I might turn out to be just as exactly like her.
May mga pagkakataong nagagalit ako, pero sa tuwing nasisilipan ng pag-asa na magbabago siya, lumalambot kaya mabilis ding natatablan ng kirot sa puso. Just like the phone calls I received from her and Lolo. It was probably the last and only decent conversation we had since I was also able to stand up for myself.
Until I storm inside the mansion and confronted them about their involvement on Angelov's death.
That was the last straw. I had believed that my all-out wrath and the prices they paid would quench every squirming memory of her dominion over me. Ngayong kaharap ang anak ko, mas napagtanto ko lang na dala-dala ko pa pala ang epekto ng pagmamanipula niya at kung paano ito naapektuhan hindi lang ako, kundi ang mga tao sa paligid ko.
"What are you doing, Deirdre? This is not you," a baritone echoed.
My mind flailed against the quicksand of time, refusing to swim through the harsh currents of the past until I was helplessly drowning back our mansion walls.
"Maybe what we are really here for is to see how the world change, Quentin. That as well includes people..."
This is one of those memories I repressed thinking they don't really matter. Tapos na, hindi ba? Patay na raw siya, at ikakasal na ako sa iba. But maybe it did matter because... it had only helped me realize more...
"So... this is it? What's your plan?"
"What plan?"
Nilingon ko si Quentin mula sa pagtutupi ko ng damit. I just changed into my night gown ready for sleep when he went in, as per their request, so we could sleep together after the occasion.
He chuckled darkly. "Now don't bullshit me. I know why you agreed to marry me. C'mon, I'm willing to play along."
"I told you I will kill your uncle. Or kill them all."
"That's not a plan. It's a macabre desire."
I swallowed. Sa simula pa lang, wala naman talaga akong plano. I just want them gone believing their absence and death would serve justice and ease my void.
"How 'bout you?" I asked as I resumed folding. "Why did you agree?"
Lumapit siya at umupo sa kama na hihigaan ako. I watched him at ease in the bed I have no desire of laying myself on.
"Like I said, we have no choice. We're just kids against the veterans. Besides, I'm tired of playing the role of the golden boy. Smart, Ivy league, all smiles. I can't even face my own mother that I would just tell her to shoot me in the head."
Naniningkit pa rin ang tingin ko sa kanya, pinipigilan ang sariling maniwala. At that moment, trust was a lost cause. I refused to hand it to anyone not even to Mama who I couldn't blame for not attending to this shit of an engagement. Kahit isa, wala akong kilala na dumalo sa pagtitipon na wala rin naman akong pakialam.
Although it was a big news that splayed out across the entertainment industry and the political realm graced by the Vidaurris and Silvestres respectively.
"So when you asked me to dance on my eighteenth birthday... you weren't attracted--"
"They were watching. And as I was playing along, I am slinking in an investment. A collection of details that I would soon put into service in due course."
He's speaking in circles. My eyes narrowed more pulling my brows deeper.
"Trust, Deirdre." He smirked. "We need to earn their trust. We'll go along with their dirty little game dahil alam ko na darating ang panahon na maniningil tayo."
His menacing dark tone sent an ominous thrill in my spine. May punto naman siya sa balak gawin pero hindi ko rin mapigilang isipin na gagamitin niya rin ito sa akin. Na baka sinasabi niya ito para kunin ang tiwala ko pero sa huli, ipapain lang din ako sa mga magulang niya.
I didn't bother to let him know of my qualms about him. I don't trust him but I am fully aware how shrewd he could be. After all, he is a Silvestre. It runs in their blood.
With his amused and calculated gaze lingering on me, a sudden thought had seem to nudge his mind that his eyes briefly narrowed.
"I don't often say this to anyone but... you're actually really pretty."
I am in 'our' room again where I was always told to stay. Nanlalanta kong sinusuklay ang humahaba ko nang buhok at sa kulay na tuluyan nang inangkin ng dilim.
"And I figured out what's wrong... why you hated this so much."
May kung ano sa sinabi niya na nagpabaling sa akin sa kanya.
"Your Mom overheard me when I said that I find you pretty. I must be blind, she told me." He made a face. "Nah, I don't think so, Ma'am. I know what I am looking at. A brief course in psychology is not enough for me to figure some things out but it also doesn't take just a smart man not to notice..."
I retreated to my reflection infront. "You don't have to appease me, Quentin. I get that a lot. I'm not pretty."
"So that calls you to allow it? Lalo na kung sa iisang tao lang din naman galing. My mom finds you pretty. Everyone in the reception found you exceptional. Bakit sa iisang tao ka lang naniniwala?"
Suminghap ako at gusto nang putulin ang usapan. This isn't making any sense. Mula nang kinulong ang sarili sa pagsang-ayon na magpakasal, hindi na rin ako nakakalabas ng mansyon at laging naiinip dagdagan pa ng pagbubuntis.
"How 'bout we hear your plans now, hm? Between the two of us, you're the one who is equipped with solving these matters better than me."
Tila ba inilabas na niya ang bigat ng buong mundo sa buntong hiningang pinakawalan niya. He stood infront of me, with arms akimbo.
"Okay. First, we need to prioritize your safety. Buntis ka."
Natigilan ako. Gustong parusahan ang sarili dahil tuluyan nang kinain ng galit at paghihiganti na nakaligtaan kong isipin ang kapakanan ng pinagbubuntis ko.
"If worse comes to worst, we might seek help from the outside. Namely, your sister."
"No," I reeled off. "Not her. And she's not my sister..."
"Allow me to exclude myself from your family affair but whatever that is, could you first set it aside? For the baby's safety. With your grave predicament, trust is of the essence, Deirdre. Hindi natin magagawa 'to ng dalawang nagkakampihan lang. How do you think my parents and your mother were able to execute their plans with just the three of them? So we need people. Leave it to me."
Bumibilis ang paghihingalo ko sa posibilidad na idadamay ang anak ko. In under no circumstances they will live a life the way I did, or will be raised the way I was upbrought. No way!
And I realize... I have a choice. It's just that there are no options for me to stand better alone. Ayos lang sana kung ako lang, but I am carrying another life with me. With my pregnancy, I am in a vulnerable condition. Merewald may have omitted the truth from me, but compared to Graciella, she treated me better. Kaya bakit hindi ko isusugal ang tiwala sa tanging kapamilya na inalagaan ako at tinanggap sa panahong gusto ko nang sumuko?
Time has rolled by until I arrived at one of those phases where I was losing hope to live longer. Hindi lang tibok ng puso ko ang humihina kundi ang normal kong pag-iisip. Kung hindi mamamatay sa pagluluksa at pag-aalala, sa gutom naman.
Graciella has yet again hosted another festivity, this time, for her celebrity friends and then some politicians from the Silvestres side as an extended announcement of the engagement and the union of both families for Alessandro Vidaurri's mayoral campaign.
Tatlong kasambahay ang pinaliligiran ako, tinutulungan na maisara ang zipper ng damit na pina-customized pa galing Paris. Had I only been in a different situation, the teeth would have smoothly shut in one lightning zip. But with my growing tummy, sumisikip na siya sa bandang tiyan kaya mahirap nang isara sa likod.
"Ma'am Deirdre, masisira po itong damit kapag ipipilit natin tsaka... iyong tiyan niyo po," naaawang sambit sa akin ng isang kasambahay.
I would prefer Inay Hirelda or her daughter Fatima to be here, but Graciella seemed to be having a lot of fun making my life a living hell to deny their attendance here with me. Sabi ng pinagtanungan ko, pinagsilbi sila sa mga bisita sa labas.
"What is taking her so long?"
The booming separation of two doors froze the whole room. Dire diretso ang pagpasok ni Graciella. Her heels echoed against the sleek floors. In one sharp finger pointing outside, nag-unahan sa paglabas ang tatlong kasambahay hanggang sa maiwan kaming dalawa.
I bowed my head as the click of her heels halted in front of me. I recalled how I trembled but also... How I couldn't move. Sa isang mariing tingin niya ay tila mga bakal na brasong nagkukulong sa akin at pinapanawan ako ng lakas. For holding my breath so tight, I shivered. My stomach went cold and dissolved into a churning mess.
"What's this?"
Para akong mabubulunan nang kinalabit niya ang zipper at sinubukang iakyat. Nang ginamitan na ng puwersa, nadala ako. Hindi matukoy kung sa lakas ng puwersang ginamit niya, o masyado lang ba akong mahina o baka sinadya kong magpadala para hindi maipilit ang pagsara bago pa tuluyang maipit ang tiyan ko.
"Tsk," she tutted. "I had this customized from a renowned designer in Paris for you and this is how you are repaying me? The least you could do is obey your diets I prepared for you, Deirdre. Hindi lang naman ito para sa akin kundi para sa 'yo. But you! Are wasting my efforts!"
My head sank lower. I opened my mouth as an attempt to speak in the name of self-defense but the aim alone was cut when she carried on.
"You know how lucky you are that we have people serving us. The people I hired myself. You even have your own governess! Nagbubuhay prinsesa ka rito pero simpleng pabor lang... You had one easy job, pumalpak ka pa! You didn't shred a single pound!"
"I am pregnant..." My wet lips trembled behind cascading tears. "I can't wear it."
"Then get rid of it!" Marahas niyang bulong sabay mariing sinundot ang tiyan ko dahilan ng biglaan kong pag-atras.
Sa nanlalaki kong mga mata, nang walang pagkurap ay sunod sunod ang buhos ng mga luha.
How... could a mother like her easily urge a gestating woman to get rid of a life inside her? A life... that ignites my dying hopes? A life... that is also my own?
At wala... wala akong nakikita ni bahid ng pagsisisi sa sinabi niya. What kind of a naive fool was I for missing such detail before?
"Para namang may silbi pa ang batang iyan. You have a better future ahead of you married off to the sole heir of a family of influence and power. And you will disregard all of it, including my sacrifices to make up for your stupidity, just for that useless creature?"
Each word is a lash of agony against my body. Each breath, a beating of axe against my heart. Each phrase, a stream of gurgling poison in where she soaked my bones.
"And with a dead father. Mind you, not just dead. But he left a legacy of what? His criminal records?" An evil chuckle poured out of her. "You are making me laugh."
Tulala ako habang naririnig ang alingawngaw ng tawa niya sa buong silid. Wala akong magawa dahil sa mga oras na iyon, nararamdaman ko nang wala akong silbi. My strength was depleted for it to summon rage as I was extremely hungry and all I could think about is how to feed my baby.
"Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na nagpapakaputa ka para sa walang kuwentang lalakeng iyon, hija. He was no good for you, has anybody told you that? I saw him and good grief, he could pass as a corpse! Well as if he's not one already," she chuckled. "Flesh and bones, tattooes and all. Ang dumi! But you were so smitten for that good-for nothing!"
Gamit lang ang zipper, nadala na ako sa paghila niya. Muli niyang pinilit na iakyat iyon. Each attempted slide, I whimper and I was also terribly trying not to heave.
"Pinalaki kita sa isang marangyang buhay. I exposed you only to the best of the best; Education, parties, every lick of luxury and introduced to great families, para lang ano? Magkagusto at magpabuntis ka sa isang hampas lupa? As far as I could remember, I didn't raise you a slut desperate for a bad boy! Aren't you disgusted by your own choices, Deirdre? Let alone, revolted by the mere thought of that... that thing?"
Unti-unting lumukot ang mukha ko sa pagbuhos ng iyak. With my shoulders shaking, I wrapped the whole of my arms around my growing tummy as if it could be sheltered against the mere touch of anyone who isn't me. The whole of my arms as if it could conceal my child from assault against cruel mouths.
Gusto ko siyang aluin sa loob at lihim na bulungan na huwag makinig sa kahit na kanino kundi sa akin lang. I will shower this baby every beautiful words and would even make the prettiest poem for her... or for him.
"I am hungry..." I whispered with my helpless strength.
I don't seem to live inside my body anymore, but if I still do, I am losing it as I strive to build high walls to obstruct her words from reaching my baby. Ayos lang na pagsabihan niya ako ng masama, pero hinding-hindi ako papayag na may makarating nibulong mula sa kanya patungkol sa anak ko!
"My baby needs food..."
"My baby..." she spitted the words as if they tasted unpleasant. "Spare me your theatrics and stop using that critter spawned from a murderer!"
"Tama na, please!" Tinakpan ko na ang mga tenga ko, hindi na kaya ang mga pinagsasabi niya. "Tama na. Ayokong makinig sa 'yo..."
Sa gitna ng pag-iyak ko ay bigla niya akong hinaklit para mas maiharap sa kanya. I screamed my cries when she started pushing my stomache, demanding me to breathe in and constrain my own gut while she was also forcing to slide my zipper up in the back.
"No! Stop it! Tama na!" Nagpumiglas ako para makawala sa kanya.
After a few more struggling, she stopped amidst my screaming. Her rageful breaths colluding with my sobs. Her eyes flashed me a sharp incredulous stare like I just slapped her when she was the one assaulting me!
"How dare you scream at me?" she boldly accused.
Umiling ako. "I am in pain. My baby is hurting and we are starving!"
"Or you are overreacting. I am barely hitting you!"
A single knock on the door shifted the mold on her face. Bigla niyang kinuwadro ang mukha ko. Ramdam ko ang pagkakapunit ng aking balat sa marahas niyang pagpupunas sa basa sa aking pisngi. Natatamaan pa sa tulis ng kanyang kuko.
"Wipe your tears!" She whispered in clenched teeth as my tears continued to pour.
I caught her lips already shaping a sweet smile before facing the guest on the door.
"Quentin, hijo. Come in." She followed it with her pleasant and elegant chuckle.
"I... I brought food!" ani Quentin sabay angat sa tray na puno ng mga pagkain na hinahanda rin sa labas. "I decided that Deirdre and I can share this in her room since you didn't allow her to face the guests yet."
Kumalam ang tiyan ko. Sumilip ako sa likod ni Graciella sapat para magtama ang tingin namin ni Quentin.
"Oh... how thoughtful of you. I knew I made the right choice of having you as Deirdre's betrothed. But I'm afraid to say we have already eaten. Dinalhan ko na siya ng pagkain dito kanina kaya busog pa siya. Apart from that, we're also keeping an eye out of her daily intakes since final na ang measurements ng gown na pinagawa ko para sa kasal. Made of Swarovski crystals! Can you believe it?" She enthused. "I made it possible all... for Deirdre..."
Inakbayan niya ako. I am holding my breath as I anticipated for pain that she might discreetly inflict on me, like this... the way her grip on my shoulder joint tightened as a warning...
Sa pagdapo ng paningin n Quentin doon, lumuwang ang hawak sa akin ni Graciella sabay ang magaang tawa.
"Sure... Tita." Quentin smiled as he returned his gaze to Graciella. "Let me just put this here--"
"I think they need me downstairs." She let go of me and advanced towards Quentin. "Here, let me bring this back. Stay her with her as long as you want." Sabay kinuha ang tray mula sa kanya.
In smooth glides with the skirt part of her long emerald green dress billowing behind her, she reached the door.
"And maybe..." she trailed off upon turning back to face us. "You can help her with the dress. Hindi na kasi kasya sa kanya." Mapait niyang pagtatapos bago kami iniwan.
The moment we sensed Graciella is out of earshot, Quentin closed in on me. Kahit hindi siya magsalita at sa mabilis pa lang na paghinga, ramdam ko na ang nagbabagang usok na mga katanungan.
"Is it true? Kumain na kayo? Busog ka?"
My lips quivered. My face crumpled to squeeze another batch of tears. Hindi ako tumango o umiling pero sapat na kumpirmasyon na ang pagyanig ng mga balikat ko sabay sa malakas na paglaya ng aking hikbi.
"Here, I brought you a sandwhich."
Suminghap ako at nag-angat ng tingin. May dinudukot siya sa kanyang bulsa saka nilahad ang nakabalot sa isang aluminom foil. I drooled at the scent of food. Huli nang nakapagpasalamat ako pagkatapos hablutin iyon at binuksan.
My hands are shaking as I help myself with the bread. The moment I swallowed and felt the taste, the numbess in my mouth had seem to relieved. Sunod-sunod ang pagsubo ko sa tinapay.
"Whatever she is doing to you, you don't deserve it."
Hindi man nagtagal at ubos ko na ang buong tinapay. Ngumunguya pa ako nang mag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. I could see the way he is watching me... that undeniable look of pity.
"Isa pa, para sa baby ko..." I sniffed, my tears drying but when I blinked, I could feel my lashes moist.
In utmost defeat and pity, he sighed. On his other pocket, he produced the same foil-wrapped sandwhich and immediately handed it to me.
Ganoon ang naging set up namin sa sumunod na mga araw. Nagdadala siya ng bag sa silid kunwari mga babasahing libro ngunit sa pinakailalim, nagtatago ng pagkain. I eat when nobody's around. At sa tuwing natutunugan namin na may papasok sa silid, pagtutulungan naming itago ang pagkain.
At that time, Inay Hirelda's health is hitting the skids so she doesn't tend to me that often anymore. Pero sa tuwing wala si Quentin, pinagluluto niya naman ako saka pinapahatid sa anak niya sa aking silid.
Hindi nakatunog si Graciella, iyon nga lang ay nagtataka pa rin sa hindi pagbaba ng aking timbang. Quentin always reasoned out to her that it was due to my pregnancy. The woman just scoffs then proceeds to talking about herself: Her achievements and sacrifices for this family to name a few.
"I'm taking Deirdre on a date," he announced.
It was one of those days where the mansion is not safe for hiding. Family brunch usually happens on Sundays so if we can't hide, we drive away.
"Oh! That's a very good idea," Tita Rachel enthused. "Para rin makalabas labas si Deirdre at magandang ipasyal mo rin, Quentin."
"Yes, Mom."
Natahimik kami sa pagtikhim ni Graciella. Kabababa niya pa lang sa inumin saka nag-angat ng tingin sa amin... sa akin.
"The sun is high. Don't stay out too long in public places considering your..." she ran a disparaging perusal on my body then halted on my round stomach like it was the main target. "Condition."
My condition? I am pregnant. Not overweight.
"We will be careful, Tita. But may I also imply that the more the public catches sight of us, it would ignite more speculations of our partnership? I believe this has the propensity for media interest leading to a good publicity for Tito Alessandro, most especially for the still ongoing campaign."
"That's my boy!" Tuwang tuwa si Tito Walter, Quentin's father.
"But of course, we'd still make certain that not a breath would escape regarding Deirdre's pregnancy."
Nahuli ko ang pag-ismid ni Graciella sa pagbanggit ng huling salita. As if a fly has just landed on her face at the mere mention of pregnancy and the contact gave her an annoying tickle.
"Or... if they do, chances are the public would assume the child is mine. Alam na rin naman ng lahat na ikakasal kami, hindi po ba?"
Tuwang tuwa sila habang sabay rin na sumasang-ayon, humahanga. As for Graciella, the glint of amusement and victory peeked evidently in her eyes while taking a modest sip in her glass. She was drinking in her wins in every smirking sip after sips...
Nakangisi si Quentin habang nilalapit ang bibig sa aking tenga, binubulungan ako.
"Mukha silang tanga. Naniwala naman agad."
After the funeral, I think it was the only time I have laughed. And they were all thinking we were whispering sweet nothings to each other.
It was only a brief escape. Hindi man lang umabot ang isang araw ay nagbalik muli siya sa pagmamatiyag sa akin. Minsan na lang ding nakakabisita si Quentin dahil sinasama siya sa pangangampanya at may mga inaayos din sa huling taon niya sa abugasya.
So most times, I am alone. Mag-isa kong hinahaplos ang lumalaki ko nang tiyan. In one of Quentin and I's pretend dates to escape our families, aside from eating a take out meal, there was one time when he sneaked me in to a clinic for a check-up and that's when we found out I am carrying twins.
Lima lang kaming nakakalaam. Maliban kay Quentin, kinausap din namin si Inay Hirelda, anak niya at... si Mama. Graciella wouldn't care what I would be having so we didn't bother. Pero isang pagkakamali pa yata na hindi ko pinaalam sa kanya dahil sa lumalalang sitwasyon.
"Ayoko..." nanghihina kong iling.
I quickly averted my gaze from the toothbrush she is handing to me.
"In. Your. Throat. Now." She pressed through gritted teeth.
Mas marahas akong umiling. Mas determinado pang takpan ang tiyan ko.
Sa mabigat niyang pagbubuntong hininga, alam kong hindi pa siya sumusuko at mas ipipilit pa ang gusto.
I held my breath when she closed in on me. I froze in my own stillness upon the landing of her cruel scent in my senses the moment her arms enveloped around me. The floral elegance of her perfume made me dizzy that it gave me no option but to unrestrain myself.
"Shh... huwag ka nang umiyak. I'm not going to hurt you, Deirdre. Kailan pa ba kita pinagbuhatan ng kamay?"
"Y-you did." I blurted under my breath. "You did before--"
"Oh!" Her chuckles resonated sharply against the bathroom walls. " Another one of your many imaginations. Pinagtaasan lang naman kita ng boses at pasensiya na. Pero kung igigiit mo talagang nangyari iyon, well it was only meant to defend myself because you hit me first!"
She cupped my face as she crouched so to level her earnest gaze on me. Her gaze pinning... forcing me to crush, or rephrase that particular memory.
"But I never did lay a hand on you," She whispered, caressing my cheeks. "Aksidente lang iyon na medyo tumama ang kamay ko sa mukha mo. And I don't even think it was that painful. You just overreacted knowing how emotional you can be..."
For a fleeting moment, I have believed her. I caved in through her sudden warm caresses and soft tones that I thought for the very first time, I saw her change. Nabigyan ako ng pag-asa na tatanggapin niya ang bata at tutulungan ako dahil lamang sa kislap sa mga mata niya at ang nangangako niyang yakap.
"But it's best if we get rid of this... " Sabay kapa niya sa tiyan ko. "Katulad ng sinabi ko, wala nang magiging halaga 'to. You are bethroted to an heir and eventually, start a family together."
"I can still give birth--"
"No," she prompted in a clipped tone. "Makinig ka nalang sa akin, Deirdre. I know better, okay? Just think of it, you wouldn't have been able to achieve this life without me. As it happens, you would be nothing without me. I could have had you aborted or send you away to the slums but I didn't. Sois juste reconnaissant, ma chérie. Okay?"
I stared blanky at my own reflection in front while believing that she was right. I still owe her my life, right? She could have sent me away, but she let me live... or not. Is it still living if I can't feel anything at all?
I was left with no choice when she grabbed my hand only to force the toothbrush on my grip. Through her strength, she carried that hand to lead the tip of the handle against my throat.
Tears streamed down my face as I heaved on the sink, spilling out the injested graces in my gut.
When Quentin visited the next day, I didn't hesitate to confess what happened. Kung mauulit pa 'to, sigurado akong mapapahamk na ang mga buhay sa sinapupunan ko. And I may still have nursed some qualms about him, but he is the only one I could rely on during those helpless and distrustful moments.
"They're just waiting for you to give birth before they push through the wedding or worst, they are waiting for you to get rid of it."
A dull boulder of void had seem to drop in my gut as I'd been holding the same thought.
"I was thinking.... we'll make them believe I will father your children and offer to carry my name. In that way, they will allow you to give birth rather than insist on..." He hesitated. "The other way. This is the safest we could do for the time being, D. After you give birth and the wedding, we'll carry through the plan."
My head made a slow nod like it's a natural reflex, or a default setting that I would only have to nod for demands that doesn't require accommodating my needs but their greed. Ito na rin naman ang lagi kong ginagawa. Laging nasasampal sa akin na wala akong karapatan na magdesisiyon. Na ang karapatan ko lang sa pamamahay na 'to ay ang sunud-sunuran sa mga bagay na hindi ko naman gusto.
I was dragged back to the world that houses privilege, yet why do I seem like I have none? Napapaligiran ako ng yaman at pribiliheyo ngunit nakatali naman ang mga kamay ko.
"Should I suggest that, Quentin, do you think they would listen to me? Why does it seem like a man like you is the only one who's got a voice that I can't even speak for my right? Dahil ba mas edukado ka, tanging tagapagmana o dahil sa lalake ka?"
I feel limited. It appeared that I can only live one life instead of several more. That I can not only be the woeful Deirdre, but I can also be a storm. Or a late night conversation. The tempest... But I'm just Deirdre. The lady of the sorrow who mourned for my lover's death.
"Kung dahil lang sa lalake ako, bakit nadidiktahan niya si Tito Alessandro? Albeit he's a man like me, I don't recall her listening to any of his suggestions. Like never. She has that power over him, D. Or control...."
Looking back at the days, it made me recognize how right he was. Also in looking back, it started to become more clear to me...
"You are betraying your family."
Nagbuntong hininga siya at sa likod ng tipid na ngiti, parang may malalim pa ring iniisip.
"The irony that I myself has lately perceived is that my fight for morality has become the ultimate treason against my own blood. To end their atrocities for the greater good. And I tell you, it's not going to happen at the moment. We need to gather our ammunitions to weaponize against them. This is not just for us, Deirdre. This is for the unserved justice."
Nanatili ang pagdidikit ng kilay ko habang nakatingin sa kanya, iniisip kung ano ang gusto niyang ipunto.
But he didn't deny it, did he? He is betraying them, his own flesh and blood. Was I wrong about him? Pero dapat pa rin akong mag-ingat dahil kung magagawa niya ito sa sariling pamilya, paano pa kaya sa akin?
"But then again... an ethical dillema," he carried on. "Yet so long as the greater good prevails, then what the hell is treason? Cruel as it may sound, but an amoral deed at times holds its own benefit to end injustice." A pause. "The law is harsh, D. That's what I learned. Nothing is fair in this world anymore but then, in the unfairness, that is how we preserve the balance of life. Hindi sa lahat ng oras, kalaban ang nasasawi. Minsan, sila ang nagwawagi. We win now, then lose later. Or they win now, then..."
As he trailed off towards diving into a deep thought, I considered that maybe he got lost along the path from our conversation. Pero kung iisiping mabuti, may gusto siyang ipahiwatig rito na gagawin namin.
"We will let them win this time, Deirdre. But in the process of their make-believe with their transient victory, we are slowly extracting every little thing they need to win until they can't..." he spoke slowly, with menace. "Which is..."
"The truth," I said.
He clicked his tongue. "Bingo."
I tried to always remember what he said so to give me definite reasons why I should endure this. Pero habang tumatagal, habang lumalaki ang nasa sinapupunan ko at habang papalapit ang aking panganganak, mas nagiging emosyonal ako at kadalasang nawawalan ng pag-asa. I could only count the moments when I smile and failed to do so when I'm blue. I was always in pain. It didn't help that Graciella was constantly driving me around the bend.
Pakiramdam ko nag-ipon lahat ng sama ng loob ko para hulmahin ang poot. The white-hot rage became my fuel to push until I heard their cries.
Hindi ko inisip na magiging maayos na ang lahat lalo na't sa mga panahong iyon, nagluluksa pa rin ako. I was just comforted by the idea that with the birth of these two lives, twin heartbeats made out of one faithful love, would alleviate just a faint bit of my sadness.
Pero bakit ganoon? Kasalanan ko ba na iba ang nakikita ko? What control do I have in those things I see around me? Hindi ko naman gagawin iyon kung isang inosenteng nilalang ang nakikita ko.
And I could hear the way she criticizes me. The echoes, her deceiving warm caress...
Sa halos paghamak ko kay Sal, isang panghuhusga ko sa sarili ay katumbas ng libu-libong pares ng mga matang nanghuhusga sa akin Libu-libong hintuturong naghahatol.
I cower. I shiver against thousands of judging eyes, punishing stares and voices... voices! In my head, they are murmuring my flaws and my sins... And her voice that was screaming bloody murder on top of hush whispers.
In that moment, it was the only voice that mattered to my decaying sanity.
I'm sorry, Sal. For trying to protect you and your sister as you were at peace in my womb, how did it happen that I wasn't able to protect you from me?
"Deirdre!"
No force of disremembering could let me escape the memory. It still gave me nightmares. No matter how many skips I made before watching Graciella's fall, it will always haunt and claw at my mind until I walk back to see it unfold again behind my eyes.
The wuthering winds confused my balance in where I stood atop the mansion roof. Unti-unti kong binabawi ang kamay para pakawalan ang kinakapitan ko at inasahan na hindi man lang lilipas ang isang minuto, tuluyan na akong mahuhulog.
It's fine, Deirdre. They are free now and safe in Mama's arms. So it's okay if I will finally dive to my death--
"Anong ginagawa mo?!" A roar against the wind.
Isang hila ay nailayo ako sa dulo ng bubong. I was pulled, purposeful and harsh, as if his force to shove me back at the safe edge of the roof wasn't enough.
My unfocused gaze faltered at the blinding sliver of sharp anger in his eyes.
"I killed him!"
"Wala kang pinatay!"
Hindi ko na magawang maintindihan ang sinabi niya dahil sa isang kurap, nag-iba ang kanyang itsura. One second, he turned into someone I barely know, then the next, his face shifted into the man everyone believed to be dead. Pinapanoood ko ang iisang ekspresyon sa iba-ibang mukha.
I could feel my hands were soaked in a wet blend of warm and cold. Looking down to find out, I screamed at the sight of my hands coated in blood, some where dripping on my wrist and on my fingertips.
Pumikit ako nang mariin at naramdaman ang pagtakip doon ng kamay ni Quentin. Nang dumilat ay wala na akong nadatnang dugo.
"I..." I licked my numbing lips. "I almost killed my son. I can't live anymore..."
"Don't punish yourself for that one lapse of sanity, Deirdre. Hindi mo sinadya iyon!"
"Pero bakit may naririnig akong bumubulong sa akin na dapat mamatay na raw ako? Kasi pinahamak ko ang anak ko. I could hear her, Quentin, or them... layers of whispers but all in the same voice cursing me to die! To kill myself. And the only way to silence her is if I. End. Me!"
His eyes wore a widened gaze. Para bang unti-unti na siyang nilusob ng katotohanan sa nangyayari. Hindi nagtagal ay lumamlam ang mga mata niya sa awa.
"I don't think this is about his death anymore. But even if it is..." he seethed. "She twisted your mind, I saw it! I was there as it keeps on happening."
Over the years, I keep on asking myself who's to blame in the way I am and in who I had become. Where should I begin? From the traumas of my childhood? From the consistent deaths?
I was told once that we can't really choose where we come from, but we have choices on where to go, or where we should end up. Or with who. A part of me blamed myself for staying but then, it was the safest bet, if not the best.
But maybe it doesn't matter where the scars came from. It used to before, but it only got me to nurse a desire for revenge. Blinded by violence which extended my days in the institution...
Ngayon, habang papalapit sa kanya ay naisip kong mas mahalaga ang kung paano ko nalagpasan iyon. But after all the pain she had caused, I would dare say I still owe her nothing. At all.
I have grieved not just for the opportunities undone, but for the love that was never bestowed in the beginning. What I thought was just a phase of neglect, or a parent's flaw that I thought she would soon realize and apologize for, at that exact moment and in this certain time, I still find it hard to believe how it took me a while to see that what happened back then was no other than an abuse.
She had done it first to Mama and when it failed, rushes to do the same to me. Sal has the proclivity for falling prey and I strongly sense how he could easily be her new supply now that it's probably starting to dawn on her I can no longer satisfy her void through bowing anymore to her manipulations.
Sa totoo lang, may bahagi sa aking nakakahinga nang maluwang sa pag-iisip na makahanap siya ng bagong mamanipulahin. What a relief it would be if she discards me, that would mean she could no longer bother us. Although that transient ease was immediately hounded by guilt and sympathy for her next prospect and I can only hope nobody should be able to experience such oppression.
But by the minute I learned she finds that supply through my son and weaponize his weakness against him, all hell will break loose.
"Salvatore!"
Hinawakan ko siya sa balikat at agad itinago sa aking likod, hinarangan ang tanaw niya sa matandang kaharap ko na ngayon.
She's grizzled and has obviously aged. But it seems the inauspicious turn of events for her the past few weeks didn't appear to make her any day older. An upswept gray bun and the classic arch of eyebrows. Faint traces of crow's feet particularly outside the corners of her eyes... I may have come across as the one towering over her slumping frame in the wheelchair, but despite her senescent bones, certain features are still suggestive of menacing youth.
She lifted her chin, as dignified as a permission, the moment I stepped in to obstruct her view of my innocent son.
Mabagal niya akong pinasidahan, tila ba inuusisa ang pagbabago sa bawat aspeto mula sa pananamit hanggang sa aking katawan. Her smirk stretched wider as though she discovered a funny secret that she only plans to divulge once I bend upon her dominion.
"A pleasant day to you, Deirdre..." she started, the bold remains of her voice is stll perceptible but her weary tones due to old age overlapped more evidently.
Bahagya siyang humilig sa gilid, nakangiting sinisilip si Sal sa likod ko. I took a sidestep to hide him from her deceptive amicability.
Marahan siyang humalakhak at may panunuya nang umiling.
"It's surprising to see you roaming outdoors, Graciella." Nag-tiim bagang ako. "I thought you'd prefer to spend time in a cozy repose inside the mansion, or perhaps... incarcerated in a cell."
Her crimes weren't as heavy compared to her allies, but she sided with them. She indulged their trangressions and that alone is also worth of a punishment!
Kaya hindi ko maintindihan bakit nakalabas- labas siya ngayon.
"First of all, my dear. It's a relief you didn't addresss me as Lola." She chuckled, low and almost breathless. "Ayaw ko na rin namang pag-usapan ang tungkol sa katandaan. But oh well, it's a delight to see you after... the unruly encounter we had in my house that you, by the way, had instigated. Such a delight to see you finally not alone this time..."
Her lips curled to hint the meaning behind the subtle sarcasm. Insults lingering at the back of fancy words.
My eyes narrowed. Anyone who has never been under her authority could find this scene rather friendly. But to me, I have to be vigilant. Over the years, I have forged a default reflex of distrust when it comes to her.
Sinilip ko si Sal sa likod ko na kumakapit sa dulo ng aking blouse, bahagya ring sumisilip kay Graciella. Gustuhin ko mang magbuga ng maanghang na mga salita, kailangan kong pigilan ang sariling hinanakit sa matanda. Maliban sa Lola ko siya at isa sa mga umaawat sa akin ay ang natitirang respeto, ayaw ko rin itong masaksihan ng bata.
Besides, there's no way to reason out with someone like her. Walang panama ang kahit na anong masasamang salita sa kanya. So long as she sees that I burn and cower under the scrutiny of her words, that will be the only time she wins. And I, sensitive and vulnerable to the core, is always an easy prey to her.
Kaya kung gaganti ako, sa huli ako pa rin naman ang talo. But this isn't a matter of who loses or victors. This is about breaking free from the shadows of the tormentor.
So before I lose my remaining respects, it's best that we part ways.
"The sun is high.You should head home early. As far as I'm concerned, I think it's no longer safe for you to idle beyond the gates of Maria Luisa considerng your condition..." sabay na pagpasida ko sa kanya na naka-wheelchair.
Although her fame prevails, her name has diminished relevance. Mas nakikilala na siya dahil sa mga eskandalong kinasasangkutan niya. What I heard recently are claims that she verbally abused a previous employee in her clinic.
I refuse to hear news about them after the airing of the Silvestre crimes believing the rightful punishment was imposed on her and from that, she would finally stop. Masyado ako naging kampante. Now, just the mere shadow of her, I admittedly still fear.
Noong huli nga lang ay ninguya ako ng poot at pagluluksa kaya nasigawan siya. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko iyong pagsisihan. We were both in a vulnerable place, it's just that... she handled it better but that's only because she feels nothing, not even an ounce of sympathy and most of all, a heart to love.
Inside her is nothing but a pumping blood of ego.
"You're making me laugh. Pinapauwi mo naman agad ako. Hindi pa nga ako nakakapasok sa mall." She chuckled. "For the record, I am not here to idle, or stalk someone if that's what you're insinuating, hija. I am here to shop. It just so happens that I caught sight of your... happy little family."
I caught the subtle edge and mockery on the last three words.
"Shop? At your age? What are you going to shop for, a new wheelchair? Or a casket? Then, wala rito sa mall ang hinahanap mo."
Mariin kong sinara ang bibig ko, natantong hindi ko napigilan ang sarili. We really have to part ways.
Sa matagal kong paninitig sa kanya, ngayon ko lang napuna kung paano siya buong nasisilungan ng itim na payong na hawak ng nurse sa kanyang tabi. I recalled how it has always been like this, and I figured nothing has changed. Tuwing nasa labas, kung hindi nakasumbrero, pinapayungan naman siya. It always, always happened. She is always under a shade everytime she's outdoors.
I paused. An unforeseen thought dawn on me that change and redemption for her might only just be a dying concept. That while she lives just to admire her own resplendence as her preys carry a torch for her, she will most likely never break free from the puddle of her own... dark shade.
"You didn't just say that infront of your son." Her voice calm but tone sharp. "Kamukha pa naman ng ama. baka pati ang ugali, mamanahin."
"And what about it? My husband is just as flawed as everyone. It's no longer astonishing if my children grow up imperfect. In fact, there could be worse people than what we can only condemn as... unfit, or broken. Anong gusto mo, ikaw ulit ang magpalaki? How do you want to raise my son 'perfectly', then?"
Unti-unti akong yumukod para ilapit ang bibig sa kanyang tenga at bumulong na wala nang paghihigpit sa sariling poot.
"Raise him to be a perfect ally to murderers? Is that how you want to raise my children, Graciella?" I taunted, then I planted a soft kiss in her cheek before drawing myself back to peer down upon her.
She fell silent as she watched me gradually gaining control of myself.
I turned to her nurse."Si Lolo?"
"Nasa bahay po, Ma'am. Nagpapahinga."
"He's alone?"
He's hardly a father figure to me. Hindi naman naging malupit, nagkulang lang talaga. Kaya kahit papaano, ang isipin na matanda na siya at mag-isa lang sa bahay, nakaramdam ako ng pag-aalala at parang may pinupunit sa puso ko.
"May dalawa po akong katrabaho na kasama niya ngayon para magbantay."
I nodded and turned back to Graciella. Wala pang dalawang segundo mula sa pagtatagpo ng mga mata namin, nag-iwas na siya ng tingin.
And I knew at that moment, she's done with me. I refused to reveal the slightest reaction from her subtle belittling. I didn't show the fear she wanted to see in me everytime our paths cross. I refused to let her have the control... to be controlled by her.
And if I were fo ask if this is closure... parang hindi ko naman nakikita ang balang araw na mangyari pa iyon. In no means a closure would ever be possible especially with the likes of her. Forcing it will only drag me to a cycle of mental abuse in which I am still in the process of healing. Basta ang alam ko, hindi man kami umabot sa pagpipinid ng mapait naming nakaraan, hindi na niya ako mahihila pabalik sa pinag-ugatan ng pagluluksa at ang patuloy kong paghahanap sa sarili.
And I realized that the best way to put a lid on this matter is... my healing.
I thought about what else to say before I initiate to part ways. Kanina pa nagva-vibrate ang cellphone ko sa bag kaya kailangan na naming bumalik sa loob. Baka nagpa-panic na roon si Angelov sa paghahanap sa amin.
"Sana lang ay hindi sila lumaking inggrata," pahabol ni Graciella. "How I upbrought you was harsh, yes, but it was befitting enough to suit your needs, lest to atone for what you lack. Kailangan ko na lang sigurong tanggapin ang katotohanan na may mga bata lang talagang magaling sumuway sa utos."
Ngumiti ako, hindi na papatulan ang sinabi niya.
"Goodbye, Ma'am Graciella. Au plaisir de vous revoir. Enjoy the rest of your... numbered days." My parting words.
I found my son's hand and pulled him to march away with me. Nadungaw ko pa ang paglingon niya sa matanda habang lumalayo kami kaya binuhat ko na siya bago pa namin tinawid ang entrance ng mall mula sa parking lot na pinanggalingan namin.
"I'm sorry, you have to hear that from Mommy," I told him.
"I didn't hear anything."
I glanced at him. I wonder if that's true that he didn't really hear anything, o baka sinabi lang niya iyan para hindi ako mag-alala. Napangiti ako sa pangalawa. I think I even blush at the thought he has grown into a soft and considerate child. I can only imagine how he'd be in the later years.
Nabura ang ngiti ko dahil sa napansin na hawak niyang stuff toy. Halata ang pagtitig ko roon, bumaba ang tingin ni Sal sa laruan.
"She gave this to me. Should I give it back, Mommy?"
Huminto ako. Natulala sa kanya, sumilip ang matatabang luha sa aking mga mata. Without having to look back, I can see her just at the back of my mind... her old and weary bones in the wheelchair. Her... watching our backs as we walk away from her. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko, o kung tama ba ang awa at sakit na tila pumupunit sa aking puso.
May pag-asa pa ba kaya siyang magbago? Is handing my son a token of warmth or adoration, whatever that means to her, enough for me to deplete my doubts towards her? Could this be the first hint of change? Ang pag-aalangan ko, hudyat ba na bibigyan ko siya ng isa pang pagkakataon?
But it's not that she begged for it. Most likely for her, she feels it beneath her to ask for another chance, let alone to change.
Huminga ako nang malalim habang hinihila ang bawat alaala ng pangmamaliit niya sa akin noon. No, I can't just let what felt to be a minute of sympathy brush off decades of trauma she had inflicted on me since childhood!
But that wouldn't mean my kids would hear disrespect towards their great-grandmother. After all, this is still family.
"Hmm... you know what? I think we can find better toys." I playfully narrowed my eyes on him.
"I want books though."
My eyes lit up. "We will buy you a lot of books!" O yung Daddy mo ang pabibilhin ko.
Masigla siyang tumango.
"Do you mind?" I asked while holding the toy, keeping myself from snatching it away fromn from him.
Pero hindi ko na kailangan pang hablutin iyon dahil binigay na niya mismo sa akin.
Bumalik kami at naabutan ang nurse na papasakay sa driver's seat ng itim na sasakyan. I called her to stop. Habang papalapit ako ay lumingon siya at natanaw ko ring nasa loob na ng sasakyan si Graciella.
"Pakibalik sa kanya." Inabot ko ang laruan na gulat niyang tinanggap. "And let me just tell you something, Miss. A friendly advice. Whatever negative thing she'd say about you, don't believe it."
Natulala siya. Nagugulat pa rin ngunit hindi ko na matukoy kung dahil sa pagsauli ko ng laruan o galing ba sa sinabi ko.
I smiled. "You are worth more than you think. Worth more than what anyone thinks of you."
I turned my back to return inside the mall, carrying with me the cursory image of her realization about what was happening.
"I want you to remember this for next time, Sal. Do not talk to strangers, okay?"
"But she's not a stranger, right? I know her. I saw her in Nana Meow's photo album. She is... your nana. Is she my nana, too?"
I can only offer him a smile.
So many things I wanted to say. A couple of truths I want to confess but he's just too pure to be well up on hate and imperfections. Isa pa, sa mura niyang edad, ayaw kong mabahiran ng kung anong galit at sama ng loob ang puso niya kaya hangga't sa maaari, hindi mabuting siraan ko si Graciella sa harap nila.
A smear campaign is never necesssary. If i exact a revenge, it woudn't make things any better.
"But I won't talk to her, or to strangers. I'm sorry." Yumuko si Sal at marahang ngumuso.
I kissed his cheek. "It's not your fault."
Hindi tumitigil ang pagva-vibrate ng cellphone ko sa bag. Tatawagan ko pa lamang si Angelov nang madatnan ko ang mag-ama malapit sa stall ng mga sunglasses. Even with his back turned against us, I am still intimately familiar with his stance and grace when he was just merely standing, or when his shoulders tense.
Inelegant, but it's so him. Self-assured with a poise of arrogance, or confidence, laid-back at times but perpetually wild. Even when he's not the sole man who shared a tint of the raven's hair, it felt like there's a certain mold of jet black hue that he's the only one who possessed in his own right which makes it easy for me to identify him.
Kahit na sa pinakasimpleng pananamit. He's never a fond of fancy clothes and he in fact would rather roam around shirtless. Even when he dresses like everyone else, he still stands out. Hindi ko iyon maipagkakaila dahil wala pa nga kami sa pinakaloob ng mall, pinagtitinginan na siya.
Bumagal ang mga hakbang ko nang matanto na ganito ko pala siya kakilala. Back in the day, we had our moments of press and drag. Those vague days didn't even count to sum up the one year or less that we've been together. Nabawasan pa ang mga pagkakataon na kilalanin ang isa't isa sa mga nangyari. But the fact that although he isn't easy to understand, or even more so to love, kilalang-kilala ko pa rin talaga siya anupamang pagbaon ang gawin ko, o gaano man kahaba ang pagbinat ng mga taong hindi kami iisa.
Umaangat ang leeg niya, halatang natataranta habang hawak ang cellphone sa tainga. Sa kabilang kamay naman ay mahigpit ang kapit niya kay Dorcas na sumasayaw sayaw sa tabi niya at... may bitbit ng shopping bag!
I was narrowing the distance between us when he turned around. As if a deep-seated thorn has just been extracted from my chest when I saw the carvings of his face--taut with worry--loosening upon the sight of us. Kitang-kita ko ang paghinga niya nang malalim sabay na ibinaba ang phone.
"Saan kayo galing?" Medyo nanginginig pa ang buo niyang boses.
The threads of worry on his face may have loosened, but the tight knitting of his dark brows remained.
And if I'm not mistaken, his lips are pale. He brushed the pallor away through a quick sweep of his tongue on his lips.
"I just bumped into someone I know, tapos ay saglit na nagkamustahan," dahilan ko.
"Saglit?" medyo sarkastiko niyang balik.
Natawa ako. Dinungaw ko si Dorcas bago pa ako mausisa ng karagdagang tanong. I intended to point out her shopping bag. "Ang bilis, a?"
That caught my daughter's attention. Boses ko pa lang, alam na ng batang 'to kung ano ang ibig sabihin at alam rin naman talaga niya ang gagawin para hindi siya masermonan.
"Look, Mommy!" She showed me her shopping bag.
Sinilip ko ang laman ng bag. It's just a small one and inside was a charm bracelet from the nearby stall near the sunglasses. I didn't want to be too controlling so I let it pass. Well, at least for now. Kunsabagay, isang shopping bag pa lang naman iyan kaya pagbibigyan ko na muna.
Hindi ko nga lang maiwasan na tapunan ng mahigpit na tingin si Angelov. He stared at me, arms crossed against his chest. In his loose printed button down shirt with atleast four buttons widely open for the spectacle of his chest tattooes, I couldn't help but glance at them and also to his arms since the cuffs are folded to his elbows.
I made the warning in my eyes rigid as I returned my gaze to him, warning him to slow down on spoiling the brat.
Lumipad ang tingin niya kay Sal na hinihimlay na ang ulo sa aking balikat habang kinakarga ko pa siya.
Like a splattered ink against paper, the pitch dark nights inside Angelov's eyes softened. May multo ng ngiting sumilip sa mga labi niya nang humakbang sa aking tabi para silipin ang anak.
Marahang umangal si Salvatore, kaya nalaman ko na hindi ito umiidlip. Mabilis niyang inikot ang ulo para iharap ang mukha sa aking leeg, itinago ang mukha mula sa ama. Humigpit ang kapit niya sa akin.
Angelov pursed his lips. Though my face was screaming I'm sorry. Hindi ko matukoy kung naaaliw ba talaga siya o tinatago na lamang sa aliw ang sakit dahil ayaw man lang siyang harapin ng sariling anak,at kamukha pa. Tila ba ang sariling anino na niya mismo ang ayaw siyang harapin. Ang sariling multo na mismo ang umiiwas.
A gigantic fist hammered my heart watching him smile. Probably through the pain as if he's already used to it. Marahan niyang tinapik ang likod ni Sal saka nagbaon ng halik sa kanyang buhok. Dumaan ang paningin niya sa mga mata kong pinaninirahan pa ng paumanhin at pighati. Siya ay pangiti-ngiti lang saka hinawakan na si Dorcas. He slowed his paces down so he could walk alongside with me.
"Bag mo, ako na magdadala."
Gulat akong napabaling sa kanya. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita.
"I-it's fine. Hindi naman masyadong mabigat."
Yumuko siya at malalim akong tinitigan sa likod ng mapaglarong mga mata. The corner of his lips lifted a little but enough to accentuate his upper cheek bone.
"Duda ka ba na may kukunin ako sa bag mo? Kung meron nga, ano naman iyon?" One dark brow of his unconsciously rose.
I sighed in defeat at the same time torn to laugh it off. Pinigilan kong matawa nang may pagsuko ko siyang tinitignan habang binibigay ko ang bag sa kanya. He licked his lips in the middle of failing to supress his smirk.
"Saan pala tayo pupunta? What's the itinerary for the whole day?"
His lips parted like there's something unbelievable about my question.
"Sammie, c'mon. Itinerary?"
I thought about what I just said. Right. This is supposed to be our leisure day. Dapat wala akong ibang inaalala pero dahil nasanay na yata na may schedule ang bawat ginagawa lalo na sa trabaho, pati ito ay hinahanapan ko ng limitasyon kahit na paminsan minsan lang naman ako nakakapag-relax.
Pero kahit day-off naman hindi pa rin natatahimik ang isip ko.
Tulad ngayon na kahit nalagpasan ko na ang engkuwentro kay Graciella, tumatak pa rin ang paghaharap namin kanina. Hangga't sa maaari, ayaw kong may alalahanin siya sa araw na ito na buo kaming magkasama ng mga anak niya kaya hindi ko na binanggit ang tungkol doon.
"Bigla-bigla ka kasing nag-deklara na mag-mall kaya hindi tuloy napag-usapan ang buong plano," paalala ko sa kanya noong bumalik kami sa bahay.
For some reason, we got too exhausted to walk back home so we stayed the night in his old house.
Bahagyang natawa si Angelov sa mahina kong reklamo.
"Kahit anong gusto ng mga bata," Angelov coolly said. "At... ikaw. Saan mo gustong pumunta?"
I let the question hang in the air. Sa totoo lang, wala akong maisip na gusto sa mga oras na ito. I'm simply content that we are together and happy that the kids are enjoying.
I peered down upon my son who is still pretending to be asleep on my shoulder.
"Maybe we'll just leave it to the kids,"
"Hm, sigurado ka?" His slit brow arched the same time the corner of his lips did. Hinahamon yata ako sa hiling ko.
I adjusted Sal in my arms. Parang bumibigat siya o baka nangangalay na lang talaga 'tong mga braso ko. Napansin ni Angelov ang panay na pag-adjust ko, he offered his hands to carry him. Pero mukhang malakas ang pakiramdam ni Sal na agad natunugan ang tahimik naming kasunduan ng kanyang ama, humigpit ang mga braso niya sa leeg ko.
"Sal, nangangalay na arms ni Mommy, " I spoke mildly to his ear.
"I'll walk then," he mumbled and slackened his grip.
Pagkababa ko sa kanya, para siyang hinahabol sa bilis nitong tumakbo sa tabi ng kapatid. Angelov looked at them as if his son didn't just evade his anticipating hold. It seems that he's simply satisfied to watch the twins walking side by side.
Bakit parang ako ang nasasaktan para sa kanya? Parang ako ang iniiwasan ng bata at hindi siya?
I wanted to comfort him even when it won't ease my pain but at the last it would remind him that he's not alone and that eventually, his own son will warm up to him. But my words were unfortunately at rest. All I could do is stare at him.
Parang sinilaban nang ako'y nag-iwas sa muling pagtatagpo ng aming paningin. Inasahan kong kukulitin niya ako ayon sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya. Pero ilang kumpas ng katahimikan na ang nagdaan...
Ang tanging komunikasyong inilatag niya sa pagitan namin ay ang panay na pagsangga ng braso niya sa akin.
I clapped eyes on him, my face already in question. Nanatiling nakaimpunto sa harapan ang paningin niya, kunwari hindi napansin ang pagbaling ko pero halata namang alam niya dahil ang tulis ng kanyang pagnguso habang nagpipigil ng ngisi.
And does he even have any idea how his lifted cheekbones are such a strong giveaway of his supressed smirks?
"Alam mo kung bakit gusto ko kayong dalhin dito?"
Lalong nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kanya.
"I thought because Dorcas requested for it, or the kids," I said whe he finally returned my drawn-out perusal.
"Maliban doon. I just realized... hindi kita nadala sa mall noon."
My brows knitted, trying to push the core of my head to make a quick run back to memory lane.
My head tilted to the side. "Hindi ba?"
Mabagal ngunit malaking pag-iling ang ginawa niya. Along with that, his silly smile peeked like it amuses him that I don't remember it at all.
"Kaya nasabi ko... Ang cheap ko naman. Sa mga karenderia lang kita dini-date noon at sa ilalim ng tulay. Tsaka sa mga gigs namin para makatipid."
As much as I wanted to comfort him for thinking low about himself, mas namayani ang aliw ko sa mga alaalang iyon. Yet, I still want him to know that never a second in my life did I ever think that he, and the places we've been together, were cheap.
'Cause the way he enunciate 'cheap' directly to himself, parang diring-diri talaga siya sa sarili. Gusto ko itong pabulaanan.
"You're not cheap." Him and the places we've been are precious memories to me. Kahit sa imburnal pa nga yata niya ako dalhin, hindi ako aangal.
Ang ngiti niya kanina ay unti-unting natutunaw ngunit sa kabila noon, may nagpaiwan pa ring bakas ng aliw lalo na sa kanyang nga mata. I'm not sure how to describe the glint of amused adoration inside his eyes but my strong senses have somehow picked up they are compliments gracing together with gratitude.
Kung hindi lang siya yumuko para kunin ang cellphone sa bag ko, magtatagal pa ang titigan namin.
"Someone's calling," he said while handing me my still vibrating phone.
Kumunot ang noo sa biglang tawag ng kaibigan kaya agad kong sinagot.
"Hello, Cher?"
Pinapanood ko ang paghila ni Dorcas kay Angelov sa loob ng isang boutique. Sumama na rin si Sal na katabi ang kapatid. Nagpaiwan ako rito sa labas para sagutin ang tawag.
"D! I don't know how to say this someone is looking for your husband."
My heartbeat picked up a rapid pace. The knitting of my brows deepened. Iniisip ko pa kung sino ang tinutukoy niya. I mean anyone of my close acquaintances know that it's Angelov but then, they also know what happened with Quentin.
"Si Angelov?" pagkukumpirma ko.
"Oo! Sino pa ba? At ito pa, ha? Espanyol. At in fairness, ang pretty niya. Tsaka bagets. Pero hinahanp ang asawa mo?" Aniya habang naririnig ko ang mabilis na pagtitipa.
Nabibingi sa lumalakas na tambol sa aking dibdib, dahan dahan ko silang nilingon sa loob ng boutique. Angelov is already carrying a pouting Dorcas.
"I got her name. Wait, loading iyong search—" Parang nilanghap ni Cher ang buong hangin ng Manila sa malakas niyang singhap.
"What is it?"
"You have to see this, amiga. I will send you two links and... pipicturan ko siya. I'll send you both the the picture," natataranta niyang saad.
Hindi ko alam bakit ako kinakabahan. Wala man lang akong oras na iproseso ang nararamdaman nang nag-vibrate muli ang cellphone ko. Iimmediately pressed on the link she sent and my lips parted at the entertainment news about me with an attached photo that's just been taken today.
And the second link... with an accompanying stolen shot by Cher of a girl looking for him...
My jaw has seemed to reach the floor when it dropped. Hard.