SITTING NEXT TO JJ the whole day at school was torture. Something I once looked forward to was now making me hyper aware of everything on me or if one wrong thing was fucked up on me.
I still can't look him in the face and JJ—he knows when something was wrong but he keeps playing it off and I can tell it's only a matter of time before he confronts me about it. Dean tried to talk to me and I gave him a simple smile and went back to whatever The Pogues were talking about. He probably fucking hates me because now I'm being weird with him. John B kept bringing up what I told him and each time I told him to shut his mouth.
Amelia is sporting a bruised jaw and telling people she fell and really hurt herself. I almost want her to tell people I punched her across the face. Just like her boyfriend though, her ego is too big to admit that.
It pretty much went that way the rest of the week, JJ got more suspicious and John B got more annoying.
Kie and Pope have no idea but I want to tell them but JJ is usually there.
It's Friday. A week since we had a gun to our chest and a week since Adrien beat up JJ. Of course it being Friday means there's a boneyard party—which I invited Sarah too so we'll see how that goes.
I'm sat in my room getting ready for the party. Fixing my makeup from school but now that I'm fully aware that I like JJ, I'm trying extra hard.
It's gross.
JJ literally saw me after a panic attack and called me pretty—so why the fuck am I trying so hard? I throw my eyeliner at my vanity and sigh. I absolutely hate this feeling and the likelihood of JJ liking me is small. He is my best friend who hooks up with half the island.
I catch my own glare in the mirror and loud out an even louder sigh from before.
My bedroom door opens and my mom leans on the doorframe. We haven't really talked since she said Weston is on the island but thankfully I haven't seen him or heard anything about him. "You okay in here?"
"I'm just trying to get ready for the party and it's not working out for me," A sarcastic smile on my face. "You look pretty—why all the worry? Someone cute?"
My mom was quite the troublemaker when she was younger and I briefly remember her telling me she too at one point realized she liked her best friend. "Mom? Didn't you say you liked your best friend at some point? Not Brandon or Justin—"
"Yes, I did. His name was Sawyer," She seemed to catch on and her face changes, "You like JJ, don't you?" A sad nod of my head confirms it. "Why so sad?"
"You know how bad this is? JJ has beautiful girls around him all the time. What if he doesn't like me and I completely fuck everything up?" The stress makes me reach for my chest but my mom walks over and grabs my wrist before I even could.
"You're blind as hell—"
"Excuse me mother—" My mom crouches down so now she's looking up at me and still holding my wrist,"That boy loves you and not just in a best friend way. He looks at you like you hold the world in you. I'm sorry, I know you hate cheesiness but it's true. Adrien is gone," I can't tell her what happened—I wish I could,"Get JJ. I'd want him to raise my grandkid." I lightly smack my mom and she just laughs and stands up. "I won't be able to take the heartbreak mom."
"There will be no heartbreak—the sooner you tell him. The longer you wait the more heartbreak you're causing yourself. Now—you look fine. Isn't Sarah taking you tonight?" I nod yes at her, "Great. I love Sarah—and JJ. Either or would work as your partner." I let out a snort at her accusation of Sarah liking girls. "I think she's straight."
"Well, find out." She winks and leaves my room leaving me to wallow in my own self-pity. I know she's right—about JJ not Sarah. That the longer I wait the more it'll hurt me but I'd rather see JJ make out with girls and be in my life than tell him and completely lose him. It would pain me more to lose him than have my heart crack a small piece with each reminder that I can't have him.
I glance back to the mirror and just give up with my makeup and just in time because Sarah texts me that she's here. I panic to find my wallet and other shit and throw on sneakers and run downstairs.
"Bye!" I hear faint byes as I leave the house and run to her car. Honestly, I'm excited to see Sarah. I just have to hope Kie doesn't get too mad. "Hi!" Sarah leans over to give me a hug and I was not ready but I hug back awkwardly, "Hey, Sarah. You look good." She always looks good, why can't she just be a little gay?
"So do you!" Sarah starts the short drive to the boneyard and we sit in comfortable silence. She pulls over to the side of the road and I can see the fire in the distance. "You okay?" Sarah puts her hand on mine and I almost pull away in surprise. "Y-yea—" I grab the handle to the car and hop out.
I wait for Sarah to come around and we start walking together to where the music and shouting is coming from—the usual spot of course. As soon as we step foot on the beach Sarah is bombarded by other Kooks and slowly sucked into their circle. She mouthes a sorry but I'm not even that surprised.
It was going to happen eventually, I just didn't think right away. I shrug my shoulders and push past people to find someone from my group. I wave to a few people from school and finally find an open area to see better.
As I look around at everyone, I hear a laugh from behind me. I immediately recognize the laugh as none other than JJ's. Do I even want to turn around? Maybe I can just walk away—
"Sam!" John B shouts and I hear footsteps in the sand from behind me. Then I feel hands around my waist and my feet leave the ground. "John B! Put me down!" All he does is laugh and drag me over to where the rest of them are. I huff as he puts me down and adjust my clothes,"You're annoying!"
"It's my top trait," John B bows and I roll my eyes. The rest of The Pogues are around me, drinking beer. "A beer Sam?" Kie throws on a posh accent and hands me the beer which I gladly take. I stare into the alcohol in my cup for a second before completely downing it. 'OH's were heard as a bit of it gets on my chin and on my shirt. Great, I'm going to smell like beer the rest of the night now. "Already?"
"Let her be, Pope! Let the girl drinkth!" JJ lifts his beer into the sky and smiles. He's staring at me and I feel it in my bones. I slightly glance at him and that's enough to make me grab the beer from Pope's hand and down that as well. "Hey—my drink! Sam!" Everyone just laughs as Pope sighs and pours himself another beer. I wipe my mouth with my arm,"Hey guys."
"Hey—you okay?" Kie sends me a genuine look and that's when I remember I have to tell her and Pope. "Fine. Absolutely fine."
"You sure? I thought you were a seltzer girl? I even brought you some in the cooler." Can he stop being so nice so I can just not want to look him in the eyes and thank him? "That's great J—I'm having beer," I don't mean for the words to come out with so much attitude but they do.
Maybe if I'm rude enough he'd leave me alone to recover from seeing him while making out with Dean and confirming with myself that I like him.
"Ok—I'm just letting you know," He throws his hands up in defense and walks away. We all watch as he walks away and then JB turns to me.
"You gonna tell them?" He says referring to Pope and Kie.
"Tell us what?" They both say in unison. "Fucking tell them what John B? Maybe I wanted to tell them on my own."
"What do you need to tell us?" Pope steps in front of me. "Tell them Sam or I will."
"You promised—"
"Well, he's not here so—"
"Die." I state blankly at John B who just shrugs his shoulders. "John B, what is it?" Kie questions. I watch him open his mouth and I just give him the okay because I don't want to say it again.
"Sam Vernon likes JJ Maybank." He throws his hands out like he's presenting something and the other two turn to me with a smirk and a smile. "This is only new news to you, you know that right?"
"Fuck off Kie," I kick the sand at my feet slightly towards her. "Is this going to be the first Pogue couple—"
"He doesn't like me!" I shout over Pope's question. "You're stupid!" He shouts back. My hands fall to my sides and my eyes shift between my three friends. "I'm not losing him over bullshit feelings. Give me another beer." I put my hand out for my cup to be refilled. John B hesitates to grab my cup so I shove it in his hand. He pours the cold liquid into my cup and gives it back to me. I stare at the beer again, my stomach already hating me for downing the two other cups so quickly. I decide to just slowly drink this one—I don't want to get sick but I know I don't want to be sober. "You're not gonna chug that one?" John B asks.
"She's probably going to puke, let her be," Kie says but then she gets distracted by something over my shoulder. I notice the glint in her eyes and assume it's Bailey but when I try to turn around Kie stops me, "Is it Bailey?" I ask now swirling the beer. "Uh—yeah—I'll see you guys later." She runs off in the direction that she was looking, leaving us confused.
"Do you guys think I could flirt with that girl over there?" Pope gestures to a pretty girl laughing. "I don't know, can you?" John B laughs and drinks his beer. "I think you'll be fine Pope," I pat him on the back and send him on his way to the pretty girl. It's not that Pope is ugly—he's not in the slightest. He is just not the best with flirting. He could be doing so well and then—something weird leaves his mouth and so does the girl.
Now I'm left with John B.
"So, you've avoided this for how many years? How many more?"
"Can you suck a dick and shut up?" I curse at him. "I'm straight as far as I know so I won't do the first nor second part," He pushes me slightly. JJ shouting over the crowd makes my ears perk up and I see him with his arm around some brunette. I audibly scuff and turn away. "Don't say a fucking word, Routledge."
"Wow, I wasn't even—"
"Yes you were."
"Yes I was—" Without looking at him I notice him glance at me and then to JJ "—It'll happen. One way one of you two emotionally constipated assholes will confess." Even the thought of telling JJ almost makes me throw myself into the ocean behind me. I simply just drink my beer because I do not feel like arguing with John B right now.
As my sneakers dig into the sand, a Kook walks up to John B and I. If he hits on me I'm literally going to be the biggest bitch because I do not have the energy for him right now. "Hey."
I don't even look his way,"Hi," John B and I share a look. "Are you Adrien's ex?" I spin on my heel and give him an excuse me look. "And if I am?" I feel my body stiffen up as I stare him up and down. He's tan and a brunette. The polo on him has two buttons undone making him look and seem even more douchey.
"I was just curious on how he let something so pretty go." I hold back a literal gag and I hear John B let out a small laugh. "Y'know—I've been wondering the same damn thing—" I look him up and down again but make it obvious to him "—fix your polo. You look stupid."
This boy looks offended but goes on anyway,"You are a bitch, he wasn't lyin'" John B steps forward a bit but not in front of me unlike what JJ would've done. "Only to boys who don't fuck off. Walk away." I wave my fingers at him. He scoffs in defeat and his grip on his cup tightens before he just kicks sand at us and walks away. "Asshole," I curse under my breath and down the rest of the beer despite my stomach telling me not to. "You good?" John B nudges me. "Always."
"Guys!" JJ is clearly a bit tipsy by his sweaty front hairs, "I just met the hottest chick. She's a bit older though." I throw my head back already knowing what's going to happen. He'll take her to The Chateau, fuck her and leave her. Then he'll talk about how hot she was and I'll want to puke even more than usual. "How much older is older?" John B asked. "She is 18."
"So it's barely legal. One more year and I'd have to beat her ass." JJ rolls his eyes at me,"Her name is Vanessa. Also, I talked to Lily—" Oh great "—we are good now. No hard feelings." I almost want to call him out because I know he holds grudges even if he claims it's okay. He will bring it up in the worst situation possible just to open the wound again.
I've had it happen first hand.
"By no hard feelings do you mean she was way over it before you or?" JJ stands up straight and points at John B, "You're a dick." John B throws his hands up and laughs. Over JJ's shoulder I see a girl walking towards us. It must be fucking Vanessa.
"JJ!" She waves and smiles. He turns and opens his arms for this random girl. So he will just hug this girl but claims hugs are for more personal situations between us? This is already pissing me off. She runs into his arms and the gag I held back before now came out. "This is weird," John B leans down to whisper to me. "Is she a touron?" My eyes shift to John B who just shrugs his shoulders,"I've never seen her."
I'm judging this girl so I know JB is. "Who's that?" Pope scares the both of us and our judging eyes move to him. "Her name is Vanessa and she's 18." I deepen my voice and mock the blonde who is now whispering something into her ear. "18? That's a bit weird."
"Didn't he fuck a 20 year old last year?" John B recalls. JJ did indeed and he saw nothing wrong with it which was even worse. Keep in mind he was 15—he said it was fine because it was consensual but I know damn well if it was Kie or me he would've beat someone's ass.
"This doesn't make it better but it's not illegal so, plus, it's only two years. She's a bit weird though." All three of us now stand staring at them and judging her. Pope starts sipping his beer in my ear loudly making me turn to him with a frown and he quickly stops. "Sorry."
The two of them start walking towards us so I fix my posture and very badly pretend like I wasn't even looking at them. "Guys, this is Vanessa. Vanessa, this is John B, Pope and Sam." We all wave and she wave back. She's pretty, I won't deny that but something about her feels oddly familiar. Like I should know her already. Maybe she's one of the Vander kids or grandkids. Maybe she's Diana's kid, if she has a kid. The way her mannerisms are really reminds me of someone but I can not think of it for the life of me. "Hi guys, how are you?"
"Fine."
"Chillin'"
"Good," All of our answers are monotone. Vanessa's face flattens. She feels unwelcomed near us. JJ gives us a look that said guys, what the fuck because none of us really care. John B and Pope don't care because of how many girls he brings around and that's a part of the reason I don't really want to be near this girl but also because admittedly—I am jealous.
Realizing I like JJ means I recognize the other feelings. The jealousy that boils in me when he would be so friendly with any girl that isn't Kie. Something that I used to think was me just being annoyed with JJ being a fuckboy.
"Vanessa! We have to go. Mom wants us back." A blonde boy that is not JJ—obviously—walks up to Vanessa. She scoffs at him, "I'm busy," She gestures to JJ who just winks at us. I turn away in disgust and partly because I still can't look at JJ. "Yeah, yeah. I don't care. I'm not getting in trouble so you can suck face," The boy goes to reach for his sister's arm but she pulls away. Now JJ butts in,"She'll be fine bro." I wish he would just be quiet sometimes. The other boy is not affected by JJ at all, if anything he basically completely ignores him. "Vanessa—let's go!"
"Fine! You're so annoying Blake!" Vanessa gives JJ a kiss on the cheek and I can see his face light up even in the dark. "I'll text you?" She asks as her brother pulls her away. "Yeah, of course. Goodnight." Blake struggled a bit to tug her because she's stiff in the ground but eventually she gives up and walks away with him. As soon as she's out of ears reach, JJ turns to us,"Guys, that was fucked up. Why so cold? It felt like the Arctic."
"I'm sure it felt that cold, J," John B pats his back. "Her vibes were just—off," Pope says. My nose scrunches in confusion at the very non Pope sentence. He doesn't seem to notice though as he just moves on. "She's cool guys, kind of reminds me of you, sunshine!"
"So I'm cool now?" Her brother is cooler than her. At least he had some humor. "I regret my words but you guys could've at least pretended—"
Slightly fed up with him trying to force Vanessa on us, "We pretend every week to care about your hookups. I'm allowed to not give a shit about her!" JJ is taken back. His face changes and I know what the next step is. "Was I supposed to give a shit about Dean? Because I still don't trust him and you still won't tell me what he did!" JJ's arms are flailing everywhere to the point where I have to step back from him.
"Dean didn't do anything I didn't want him to do! Stop accusing him of shit, you're so insecure about him," I cross my arms and dig my fingernails into my forearms. "Guys, you're making a scene," Pope tugs on my shirt and I notice all the eyes on us. Some are snickering and others just stand in confusion. "They want to see us argue?"
"No they don't—" John B's words fall short. "I am not insecure because of Dean BARK, if anything you're the insecure one! How many people do you have to ghost before you realize you can also be the problem? You have such an unrealistic look on shit that no matter what, nothing is good enough for you!" My heart feels like it's going to fly out of my chest. His words hit every part of me. After a second John B grabs my wrist and leads me away but not before I tell JJ to go fuck himself just low enough so the four of us could hear it.
You know that burning feeling in your throat right before you start sobbing? It's quickly getting to be too much the further John B leads me away. I don't even fight him on dragging me away. My eyes stay on the ground the whole way because I know he's taking me to the van.
Tears prick at my water line but I really don't want to cry over JJ and his words right now. John B goes over to the sliding door to the van so now I look up.
The burning feeling in my throat is too much and I let go and the tears fall. Is that really how he sees me? Insecure? The problem? Maybe I am the problem. It's not how I want JJ to see me though.
"He didn't mean it, Sam. He's just pissed we didn't like his girl of the week—"
"No, JB—" My voice hoarse already from holding back tears "—some of it had to be his real thoughts. He says things out of anger all the time but this just felt different." I hold my head in my hands and feel the tears fall onto the palms of my hands. I'm mad at myself for even crying right now. I built up such a tolerance to other people's harsh words because of Amelia, or Adrien or Weston. JJ yelling at me like that is nothing new, just more harsh and I would never cry over it.
These stupid feelings towards him is making me more sensitive towards him—I hate it. I feel the van move and he gets in next to me. "Ever think it's because you like him and realize that now? That you denying it just built the shell around you?"
I sniffle,"Since when did you become all wise and shit?" I use my sleeve to wipe the tears off my face and lift my head to look at him. His eyes look sympathetic. "I do not know actually—maybe it was you. You're wise."
"Because I've been through enough trauma for 4 people," I sniffle again. "Give him less than a day or maybe a day-ish and he'll apologize. Plus he's tipsy so one of us will remind him what he said and he'll feel bad." I know he's right but it's still the fact that he said it, it keeps playing over and over again. I'm terrified that's all he sees of me.
"Drunk words are sober thoughts," I quote the overused line. I tuck my knees into my chest and cry a bit more even though I really don't want to be. "He did this shit last week, JB—"
"I'll yell at him, okay? So you don't have to."
Normally I'd want to yell at him for being an ass but I just don't even want to be near JJ. I'm so thankful for John B, I really am. Soon enough I know Pope would be comforting me as soon as he gets a handle on JJ. I'm so thankful for them both but God, did I really want to see Kie right now. Maybe even Sarah or Bailey. I love having guy friends so much but sometimes another girl just gets shit better. "We have to get JJ and Pope unless you want me to drop you off at The Chateau and come back for them."
I thought about it for a second—it would probably be better to not be in the same car as JJ right now but if I sit in the passenger and he's in the back, it wouldn't really matter. "No, I'll just sit in the passenger seat. Is Kie coming with us?" He scoffs,"If I can find her. I think when she ditched she ran off with some Kooks."
"She's been doing that a lot lately," My words slightly muffled as I spoke into my knees that I still hold close to my chest,"Does she hate us or something?"
"No—at least I don't think so," My face drops in worry and he notices,"No, she doesn't. I swear!" I giggle at his quick reassurance. The tears have stopped by now but the aching feeling is still there and it would be there for a bit, probably until I slept. "Y'know, I can't even look at JJ after what happened on Tuesday. I feel guilty."
John B makes a face like I'm being ridiculous,"Why guilt?"
"Because—I feel bad for Dean, okay and now looking at JJ reminds me of my feelings even more and it's just, I'm a mess John B."
"You usually are—" I punch his arm and he winces in pain. "You move to the passenger seat, I'll go get them and try to find Kie." I nod and muster up the strength to push myself off and hop over to the passenger side as I watch John B walk to go find our friends. I slump in the seat.
God, I feel like shit. I want to go back to Monday night as odd as it sounds but I miss him just holding me. This whole thing is making me feel pathetic because I know he hasn't thought about how he hugged me that night. Everywhere he touched that night, including when we went out and drove to some gas station. The way he held his hand on my thigh as we talked and ate, he practically burned through my pants without leaving a physical mark. Just one where I knew where each finger was when he moved his hand and how I automatically felt colder when he moved it.
I'm tired, the beers I chugged did practically nothing. I wish I had a blanket. The September night mixed with being by the water makes me cold. My brain is stuck on a loop of his words. I know I was a bit fucked up and that maybe I should handle stuff better but I don't know if I'm the problem. Maybe I'm being ignorant but ignorance is bliss, right?
I make the chair lean back a bit and tuck my knees closer to me to make myself warmer. I move my sweater over my hands and practically hug myself. Between the ocean waves and the chirping of the bugs outside, at some point the words slow down but still play quietly in the back of my head. My eyes are getting harder to keep open so I give up and drift off to sleep in the van, hoping I'd have no nightmares about my best friend's words.
A/N just wanted to remind you all that i make edits of these two on my tik tok
jir0u_