Ok, I swear this is going to be less sad after the last chapter....
Jesse's POV
Present
They had sat there like that together on the couch for no less than twenty minutes. Rob's tears had soaked through his shirt and onto his skin, surely leaving a stain, but Jesse didn't care. His only focus was on the body that felt so small in his arms. Rob didn't attempt to say any words, and Jesse didn't know what to say either. How was it that he always knew the absolute least, when he needed to do the most?
So, he just sat there, holding him as tightly and supportively as he could, running his hand up and down Robs collapsed back to the tempo of his breath. Slowly, he felt Rob begin to tire. He breath stopped hitching in his throat, and his body stopped convulsing. He just leaned into him with all his weight, breathing deeply and calmly into the fabric of his shirt.
Despite Robs emotion, Jesse felt amazing like this. He wasn't always the best at talking about hard things, but this, this is what he was meant for. He was holding a significant amount of Robs body upright, but nothing about it was uncomfortable. No muscles were strained, and no parts of him were squished, it was just perfect. Small sparks tingled in his legs when Robs knees turned even further into him. He could only describe it as both softly electrifying and strikingly natural at the same time. A simple weightlessness that led to a novel sense of entirety. A humbly beautiful paradox.
Jesse was no less than shocked when Rob so suddenly leapt from the couch and bolted from the room.
Stunned wasn't quite the right word, it entirely failed to describe the physicality of what he felt, but it was the closest he could come up with. It was like an actual part of himself was removed, leaving a hallow shell behind. He stared straight ahead, not yet coming to terms with what had happened. Although Robs smell and tears remained on him, the warmth that he craved so much had disappeared. The cool air on his wet shirt made him shiver, finally shaking him out of his state of rigor.
He awoke from his thoughts with panic. What had he done wrong? What was wrong with Rob? He seemed so poorly, and needing of his attention, so why would he leave in such as rush?
Rob was falling off the deep end, he had been holding him like water in his hands, he had done his best, but some of him was always going to slip through.
He didn't know what was going on, but he needed to be the one to bring him back.
Rob was one of the only things in his life that was constant. He was the only person that he could always rely on. Rob was made for him, and he was made for Rob. And he wasn't about the let him forget that.
Determination brought him to his feet and sent him out the door. As quick as Rob had gone, Jesse followed.
Robs office door was shut, but when he pressed his ear against it, he could once again hear the weak sobs to which he had become so accustomed.
Knowing that Rob wouldn't answer if he knocked, he pushed the door open and let himself in.
Rob was sat on his armchair with his head in his hands. He had loosened his tie and ditched his jacket. His sleeves had been pulled away sloppily from his wrists, and his hair was messy. The creak of the door made him head shoot up and Jesse noticed that his eyes were even darker and redder than before. His face smeared again with tears.
His head dropped back into his hands and he sighed loudly.
"Knock much? Fuck Jesse, haven't you ever heard of privacy?" His words were sharp, and louder than expected. Though his anger was not believable, due to the cracking of his voice.
He was frustrated. That much was clear to Jesse, even though just about nothing else was.
"Rob, I don't deserve that, and I know that you don't mean it."
"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING JESSE!" He screamed.
"You have no idea how I feel, and you don't get to just burst in here whenever you like!" He had risen from his chair now, and with every word he stepped closer, pointing his finger aggressively. Now he really was angry. A colour that Jesse had never seen on him before.
"What the hell has gone through your head? What do you think you own me or something? We're just friends, Jesse. You can't just do whatever you like with me!"
He pinched the bridge of his nose, and spoke through his teeth, completely exasperated.
"What are you talking about Rob? Come on, slow down and take a breath." Jesse stepped closer to him again, reaching out to grab his shoulder.
But Rob jerked away and turned to face the wall. "Stop treating me like I am a goddamn child, you can't just tell me what to do! Don't you get it?! We aren't a couple, Jesse! You shouldn't be able to control me like you do!" With a huff, he sunk back into his chair, into the same position that Jesse had found him in earlier. He didn't seem to have much energy anymore.
Jesse's face was completely contorted in utter confusion. Why would he say that?
"Rob." No response.
"ROB!" He lifted his head reluctantly.
"What the hell is going on!? I don't understand why you are doing this!"
"Because I fucking love you, you idiot!" He snapped.
"I love you so fucking much it hurts, but there isn't shit I can about it, so PLEASE. LEAVE." Rob stared at the ground, with his arm stretched, pointing at the door.
But Jesse couldn't move. His feet were stuck to the ground.
...
Rob's POV
Shit. He had really screwed it up now.
Idiot. You absolute idiot.
He thought that he had all of this under control at this point, but now he went and just left it all out on the table. He ruined everything.
Jesse stood there across from him, totally stunned.
He was probably disgusted with him, he probably hated him. Why did he ever even talk to Rob in the first place? He was disgusting, and hateworthy. It was pathetic, he was too weak to maintain the only good friendship he had ever had. He was too skinny, too fragile, and altogether awful. He was an adult with a big job and small life. He could only just barely stay alive for God sake. Of course, Jesse should hate him. His existence was utterly pointless and his mark on the world ultimately insignificant. Why wouldn't he just leave?
Rob dropped his arm in defeat. If Jesse wouldn't leave, he would. He wiped his face and brushed past him on his way out the door but was stopped suddenly by a hand firm on his arm.
"Let me go, Jesse." He didn't turn towards Jesse, he focused on the path in front of him. Rob was exhausted now, with no more fight left in him.
"I can't," he whispered. Rob turned slightly to see Jesse staring intently down at his shoes. His hair falling softly in front of his face.
"What did you say?"
"I can't," he spoke up, meeting his eyes finally, "because I feel the same."
.
.
.
Several moments passed.
.
.
.
It took him a bit to realize what Jesse had just said. Instead of comforting his soul, the words twisted around his neck.
What? What does he mean he feels the same? Jesse's eyes were dark as ever, and they peered into Rob's with absolute rapture. He looked nervous, but sure.
Rob's lips parted slightly, trying to choke out words that never came. His heart was beating so fast that he thought it might burst out of his chest. All the words had fallen out of his head, leaving only colour behind. Streaks of blue, brown, and a soft green contorted into swirls and blinded him. He was still looking at Jesse, but he can no longer see him. Then, the deafening madness in his mind took over his entire being. He needed to make sure that he heard him correctly.
"Say it again," he breathed, barely audible, without breaking their stare.
He had yearned for these words for so long, but he hadn't let himself so much as dream them to be real. There was no way that was what he actually said. Rob's eyes still brimmed with the emotion from before, and one last tear fell out as he looked up at Jesse with pained hope.
"I love you too Rob."
Stillness enveloped the chaos that previously was his head.
He searched Jesse's face for any sign of a lie, but his eyes were wide and sincere.
"I don't understand."
Rob's voice was small, barely able to make out the words between his heavy breaths. Why would he love him back? Jesse was the most incredible man he had ever met, and he didn't deserve him. He bit his lip hard and turned so that he was just a bit closer to him.
"Neither did I," he reminisced, "not for a long time."
He exhaled his nervousness roughly through his lips. Rob felt that the anxious sickness that burrowed in his gut was mutual.
"I didn't realize that was what it was for such a long time. I've never..." Jesse looked away, embarrassed. The room was quiet for a moment until Rob decided to finish his sentence for him.
"I know... I know you haven't." Rob's voice was sad. He looked down at the ground again, only for his chin to be lifted by Jesse's free hand.
"But I know now! I know what I want. I want to fall asleep next to you every night and wake up with you every morning. I want to take everything that hurts you away and hide you from the rest of the world. I want to keep you safe, keep you all for myself. I just..." he took a shaky breath, "want to hold your hand..."
With his last phrase, they both became painfully aware that Jesse's hand was still clasped onto Rob's arm.
Slowly, his grip lightened, and his hand dropped. They both looked down at their empty palms.
Their chests were rising and falling at the same time, shakily albeit. Robs skin felt cold, but at the same time, his core was burning. They were fully facing each other now, their foreheads almost touching.
"I..." he began, unsure how to properly weave the complexity of his feelings. He searched for the right words, but they never arrived.
He settled.
"I would be alright with that," Rob said, barely aloud.
Jesse took both of his hands, softly and safely into his own. Another perfect fit.