***Zev's P.O.V.***
It's been around two months since me and Jasper got together. Things were going great, but something about him has been slowly changing. I noticed it even before we started dating.
He was laying on the edge of my bed naked. His thighs opened wide for me. He was flushed red, and his white knuckles gripping the sheets. God, he was so pretty.
I thrust in and out of his hole. I bent down cupping his face with my hand and kissing him deeply. He moaned against my lips.
He was close. Over just these two months I've learned what every little movement of his body means. Like right now, he was desperately trying to fuck himself on my dick, while also squeezing his legs around me.
"Zev, please." I loved to hear him moan my name.
The build-up on my end was also becoming unbearable. He was still so tight and wet with all the lube we used. He was gonna milk me dry.
I jerked my hips forward faster. He met me halfway and before he knew it he went over the edge. I didn't follow far behind. He lay there for a second before coming back to reality and covering himself shyly.
I tucked myself back into my pyjama bottoms and he slipped his underwear back on. We laid in my bed together. I held him tightly from behind, nuzzling my head into his back.
He was tense, more than usual. I've been noticing that lately. His shoulders are stiff, I can't remember the last time I saw him relaxed, other than when we have sex.
He laid in my arms, I could almost feel the stress emanating from him. The moon lit up the room as we lay silently.
He won't tell me what's wrong either. I don't know if it's me or something else. We sleep together most nights now, cuddling in each others arms, much like we are now. There have been a few nights where I've stayed up, pretending to sleep, so I could watch him. Listen to him.
He lies awake looking around the room, as though something is there. When he was sleeping he would mumble in his sleep, or he would kick and flail. And in the day he looks dazed, like he's not really there. I don't feel like he's with me anymore, and it hurts to see the person I love go through this. And there's nothing I can do.
"Jasper?" I rubbed small circles on his stomach with my finger. He didn't answer right away, it took him a second. "Jasper are you alright?"
"You're always asking me that." It looks like he hasn't slept for days from what I gather. His eyes were bloodshot, and he looked pale. Not to mention he wasn't even cooking anymore. I've been ordering takeout and doing my best to prepare food. I wish he was ok.
"It's because I'm worried. I can tell something's not right." I sunk my head down on his back. I wouldn't say I'm a person that typically worries this much, but every day I feel my anxiety rising ever so slightly. "I'm just scared for you. I want to hel-"
"I don't know what's wrong with me, ok!" He yelled angrily. My hand that was on his waist stopped moving and I pulled away slightly. "...uh. I-i'm sorry." He never yells. For the 4 years I've known him I can count the times he's yelled on one hand. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you like that." He curled back closer to me.
Yeah, something is definitely wrong. Really wrong. "When was the last time you slept for more than 3 hours in a night?"
The bright light of the moon was supposed to be soothing, maybe even romantic, but I felt neither of those things right now. It didn't help ease my tension in the slightest.
"I dunno. A week and a half ago i think. Something around there. But my mind could be deceiving me. Tell me Zev what day is it?" It hurt me greatly to watch him go through something like this. I've never seen somebody so mentally exhausted before.
"It's Friday, January 22." The building creaked as the cold winter air blew. We had spent Christmas at Jasper's house with his mom. It was fun. Jasper seemed to be ok. Though I still talked to his mom about it because I did notice him waking up a lot in the night. She had asked me to keep an eye on him. I think she knows something that I don't. Well I mean I guess Jasper is her son. Mother's intuition probably.
"Then yeah a week and a half. I think I'm gonna die Zev. I can't live like this." His body was slightly cold. Which wasn't totally unusual. I'm always warm, my hand everything. But Jasper. He's like an ice cube.
"Hey don't talk like that." I rubbed my hand over his hip softly. "I got you. You'll sleep soon enough." He turned his head as far as he could and looked at me. His eyes were dead. "You're going back to the doctor. You're not a kid anymore, I'm sure they could give you a light dose of something." He turned his head back.
"No. I don't want to."
"Jasper... look I love you, but right now I don't really care what you don't want to do. This could really help you. You might feel better talking to someone that actually understands what you're feeling... Someone that can help you." I kissed his shoulder.
He didn't answer. "For fuck sake." I sat up straddling him while cupping his face. His eyes were wide. "You know, I don't like to get rough with you outside of sex but you're leaving me no choice man. You're going to see a doctor. If you don't I will and I'll tell them everything that i see you going through." He cracked a mocking smirk. "Hey, I'm not fucking around." It was nice to see the amusement in his eyes.
I scoffed with a smile, flopping down onto his chest. "You call your doctor's office in the morning. Get that appointment." I yawned. "I really do love you. And don't forget it."
*****************
It was the next morning, I woke up in my bed alone. That was common these days. I think Jasper would stay with me till I fell asleep then he'd wander the house. Try to keep himself busy. I figured that's what he's doing because he thought I was asleep one night, and he checked to make sure I was. I'm good at pretending to sleep so he didn't notice I was awake. He got up and just sat on the couch like he was watching the tv. The only thing was, the tv wasn't on.
I went out of my room to see him sitting on the kitchen floor staring at the wall. "Jesus Christ Jasper," I whispered. I walked over and got on my knees next to him. "What are you doing?"
He looked at me. "I figured if I stared at something boring it might help me sleep." His voice was slow and raspy, almost as though he had just woken up.
"Ok well, let's get off the ground." I stood up grabbing his arm. "Come on." He laid back on the floor, not even making an effort to stand. He shut his eyes resting his hands on his chest. "Really?"
"You know Zev. I think... I think we should break up." What?
There was a hint of anger that weld up inside me. I reached down and grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulling him up to my face. "You listen here you beautiful sleep-deprived son of bitch. I'm am not fucking with that. I know that's the lack of sleep talking and you don't really-"
"I love you too much to drag you into all this. I'm so tired I can barely walk straight." There was a deep sadness in his eyes.
Is he for real? "So what, you wanna go back to being friends? You think that will keep me out of it? The only thing that changed when we started dating was that I can tell you how much I love you, and we can fuck now. I loved you before we started this. I loved you as the person I wanted to spend my life with, and as a friend. You were always there for me and I will always be there for you. Whether we date or not. You're not getting rid of me that easy I promise you that. The only thing that you'll lose if we break up is this dick. Cause my love for you won't go anywhere." I was pissed but I knew he didn't really mean what he said. At least I hope. I don't think I could go back to being friends. I feel like he would look at me differently. I don't think I could ever put how I feel about him on hold now. Not after he's let me love him like this.
"Yeah." He blinked harshly. "Sorry about that. Don't let me push you away. And don't ever leave me." He's never been one to talk about or ask for help with his problems. He hides them so he doesn't bother anyone. But as the days turn into weeks and he gets more tired, he doesn't have the energy to hide how he feels anymore.
"You know I won't." I kissed his cheek and stood up putting a hand out to him. He looked up at me before he grabbed my hand.
I made him sit on the sofa and call his doctor while I tried to make breakfast.
Since Jasper hasn't been cooking, I've started to make meals for us. Well, I try. My frozen waffle game is almost on point though.
He got off the phone as soon as the waffles were done. It was perfect timing. His appointment was on Monday at 11:30.
We sat down and talked over breakfast, nothing special really. I kinda poked at him about the whole breaking up thing. Like I know he didn't mean it. But. But I wanted to make sure.
*************************************
Two days had passed. I was driving Jasper to the doctor's. Props to the doctor for getting him an appointment so fast. Usually, this shit takes months.
We didn't say much on the car ride there, or on the way to the waiting room. But he finally spoke up as I was flipping through one of those shiny home decor magazines. Like the ones my sister used to tell me not to touch because, well... I think her reasoning was that they had been touched by many sick people that also waited in the room.
"Zev do you mind waiting out here while I go in?" My eyes shot over to him. The ticking of the clock suddenly seemed louder. He was looking down at his hands. His shoulders were hunched and he looked nervous. Why doesn't he want me to go in there with him?
"Yeah sure. Just make sure you tell them what's up so they can help you." He looked over at me slowly. I smiled in an attempt to comfort him in any way possible.
"Jasper Jones!" A lady in scrubs called from a door leading out of the waiting room. Was she a nurse,a doctor? And why was she wearing scrubs in the first place, isn't this a sleep clinic? I mean this is a big building. There must be another unit in here somewhere.
Jasper stood up and looked back at me before he went.
"You'll be fine, just tell them what's been going on." I have him a thumbs up. He nodded and headed through the door, talking softly to the nurse lady.
The door slowly shut. It was one of those doors that had a door closer, but it was a crappy one cause the door still slammed slightly.
A heavy breath left my lips. Why didn't he want me to go in with him? I looked back at the open magazine in my lap. 9 genius apps to find your perfect paint shade, yeah fucking right, as if I'd let some shady app decide what color my livingroom should be.
Turning the page quickly I was met with another crappy bold headline. 15 Easy 'DIYs' to Spruce up your kid's bedroom, I don't have any damn kids.
I shut the magazine, tossing it back in with the rest. I put my face down into my hands. Every tic of that fucking clock felt like a stab in the chest. Why didn't he let me go in with him? And why did he say he wanted to break up? Did I do something wrong? I should be realistic here. This is Jasper we're talking about. I can read him like a book. When he said 'don't let me push you away, and never leave me', he wasn't lying. Or was he? What if he's just been a really good liar this whole time? Ugh man what the hell am I gonna do.
I don't want him to hate me. I need him. I thought things were going really well with us. You know. Like we talked, spent time together. Before Jasper insomnia got bad, we were still just like best friends. I don't know what went wrong. I mean we cuddle like almost every night. Sure usually I'm the one that initiates it but all of the times I don't he curls up to me. What am I missing here?
I felt the discomfort of someone's eyes on me. I glanced over and a well put together lady a few chairs down was looking at me with disgust. We were the only people in the waiting room besides the receptionist. What is it now? I'm so not in the mood right now. I paid her no mind. Like where the fuck does she get off glaring at someone she doesn't even know like that.
My calf muscle was feeling tense. I hadn't realized I was bouncing my leg. God this is so stressful. I gazed out the nearby window in hopes to calm myself down.
The streets were covered with snow, the leafless trees had a beautiful white coating, and light peices of snow danced in all directions. This is like the picture perfect winter day. If only Jasper was ok, I'd take him on a date or something. I'd set up blankets and pillows in the trunk of my car. Put the back seats down to make room, and snacks. Lots of snacks. We could cuddle and watch a movie. Ugh that sounds so nice. I'm gonna keep that idea for later.
If there is a later? What if he really does break up with me? I laid my head against the wall behind me. I shut my eyes. God... That lady is staring at me again. What's her deal?
I sat patiently for roughly 30 minutes before Jasper came back out. I eagerly sat forward in my chair. He was holding a small box. "So? How'd it go?" He stood in front of me, looking like he was cowering in on himself. He wasn't like this when I met him 4 years ago. He was much more outgoing, and loud. Not as loud as me but he spoke his mind. But since then over the years he's gotten more timid, he won't stand up for himself anymore.
"Mh, went ok." He didn't look at me, he kept his eyes down at his feet.
"What are these?" I softly took the box from his hand. They were pills.
"Temazepam?" I looked up at him. Isn't this one of those bad drugs?
"Jasper, one more thing." A doctor walked out of that door from before and over to us. "Oh, who are you? You wouldn't happen to be his friend?" Jasper sat down at a chair nearby.
"Boyfriend." For now at least if he doesn't dump me. I corrected, standing up to greet him.
The man's eyes widened slightly. "Oh, that's wonderful actually. I need a favour from you." He held his hands together.
"Yeah sure."
"Ok well, he doesn't look so good. I gave him more of an aggressive pill. There may be side effects. They're all on the box and on the paper inside. But because you young people tend not to read those these are a few important things. So firstly make sure he doesn't drink with this pill, it greatly increases the possibilities of alcohol poisoning. Also the second big thing. Do you guys live together?" He spoke quietly.
"Sort of."
"Good, ok so I need you to watch him in the night. Make sure he doesn't have an allergic reaction, it's extremely unlikely with the lack of his chemical allergies, but you can never be too safe. Sleepwalking is also a big side effects so make sure if that does happen he stays safe. Don't try to wake him, just make sure he gets back to bed." He sighed. "I'm sorry I know it's a lot to ask of you. I personally am not about fixing issues with pills. I believe there is always a better way. But he's had a long journey of sleep problems. This should be a quick fix to the issue. He only needs to take them for 7 to 10 days. Not over that. He will be fine, but I thought it was important that you know." He smiled.
I smiled back. I could feel Jasper's exhaustion from the few feet away he was sitting. "Yeah, thank I really appreciate it."
He put his hand on my shoulder. "You two take care, ok."
"Thanks." I turned back to Jasper who was now sitting in the chair resting his head in his hands. "Jasper let's go home." He slowly raised his head and nodded.
"I hope this helps you. Don't forget to book a follow-up two weeks from now." The doctor said to Jasper.
Jasper nodes in response again. The doctor went back through the door. I stood in front of Jasper holding out my hands. He grabbed them softly as he stood up. "You're gonna be fine. I got you, don't worry." I held his hand, and as we were walking out I heard a word that hasn't been thrown my way in a while.
We got in the car and I sat there, I didn't start the engine or anything, I just put my head on the wheel.
I'm feeling quite lost with all that's happening. I'm sure it will be okay though, right?
I shook it off and drove us home.
***************************
Jasper was two days into taking those pills prescribed by the doctor. I had been watching him through the nights. He still had trouble falling asleep. But on the good side, he's sleeping for more than 5 hours now. He's still not all there though. He still just stares at random things and he's gotten very quiet.
It was getting late. Just past midnight, I think. But nonetheless me and Jasper we're on the couch watching the last bit of a movie.
I noticed Jasper shifting a bit. Squeezing his thighs together like he had to pee or something.
"We can just pause the movie if you have to take a piss you know. It is Netflix." He looked over at me. His cheeks were red. He was definitely embarrassed about something. I dunno why though. I keep telling him he should never need to feel embarrassed around me.
"I-i don't have to pee." He looked away back of the TV.
Why is he squirming like that... Oh. I reached over to his crotch and sure enough, he was hard.
"What are you doing?" He asked quietly. I took my hand away.
"Why are you hard? Something in the movie?" I teased. I loved to tease him, he was always so cute.
"No, I was just thinking." This is too easy. He's into humiliation, would have never guessed before we started sleeping together. As much as I don't want him to be embarrassed by things like his body around me, In many other contexts, it's hot.
"Oh. You got all riled up just from your thoughts. What are you thinking about?" He turned even redder. He pushed on his clothed cock with his hand.
He took a really long pause before he spoke. "You...tying me up."
My eyes widened slightly. Wouldn't have expected that one. Since we've been dating I've only tied his hands a few times during sex, and it was awesome. We both really want to try more bondage. But for right now I don't think it's a good idea.
"I've been learning some new ties for you. So you bet I'm gonna tie that beautiful body of yours up one day, and one day soon too." I smiled.
"Why not now?" He spoke so softly I almost couldn't hear him.
"Well, I want you to be like, recovered from this sleep thing. If we're going to do that sort of stuff, I think you should be less mentally exhausted. It could be dangerous if you're not all there." I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly. "I want to be safe about it." I grabbed his chin pulling him towards me. "But I do appreciate your eagerness," I smirked, reaching down with my other hand into his pants. He moaned, as much as I love to hear him I shut him up with a kiss.
Since the first few times, we've done things like this Jasper and I have learned a lot about each other, and ourselves. Turns out Jasper prefers to be the bottom in these situations, but we both do enjoy switching things up occasionally.
I broke our kiss while I continued to pump his cock. "You ok?"
"Y-yes, Jesus!" He dropped his head back.
"Good. Just checking." I took my hands off him slowly. His hips tried to follow, but I gently grabbed his hips and kept them in place.
I got off the couch and onto my knees in front of him.
He looked down at me, running his long slender fingers through my hair. I pulled his pajama pants down just enough to expose his dick. His tip was swollen and shiny. I blew cold air softly over the head.
"Zev..." He moaned as his dick twitched, a bead of clear pre-cum gathered at his slit. I looked up at him. His face was full of pure desperation. His eyes were half shut, his lips partially open and his freckled cheeks were flushed a deep pink.
"Fuck..." This never gets old. His expression, his body language, his voice. I could do this for the rest of my life.
I put his whole dick in my mouth all the way down to his stomach. He moaned, pulling my hair and squeezing his legs.
I grabbed his balls massaging them softly while I sucked his dick. His muffled moans and the occasional buck of his hips were telling me he was getting closer. I used my free hand to caress his body, touch his sensitive pink nipples, the soft skin of his hip, his thigh. He was just so goddamn perfect.
After a few minutes of sucking and deep throating him, I could tell he was already about to cum.
"Z-zev... can I cum?" He was so damn cute.
I nodded, his cock still nestled deep in my throat.
He pushed my mouth down further on his dick as he came down my throat.
I lifted off him with a pop and pulled his pants back up.
He panted, brushing his hands through my hair softly. "T-thank you."
I stood up and put my hand out to him. "Let's go to sleep." He flicked off the Tv and followed me to the bathroom to do our nightly routines, brushing teeth, washing our faces, things like that.
After we were done we went to bed. Jasper had taken his pills and was hopefully ready to sleep.
He hasn't done any sleepwalking yet. Though he has mumbled things. I laid down next to him, holding his body in my arms.
Because I myself am such a heavy sleeper, I don't wake up in the night If he gets up. So I've created something to help me wake up if he sleepwalks.
If he tries to open the door it'll trip a sensor and will give me a small shock on the wrist through a shitty old watch I had laying around. It was a simple invention really. Hopefully, it'll work.
We went to bed. I laid awake for a while, waiting till he was asleep. He was actually asleep early tonight, which is amazing. It's really hard for me to keep myself awake while I'm in bed holding him. It was so warm under the covers. So cozy.
As soon as Jasper was asleep I let myself go.
**********************
I awoke to a shock that seized up my body for a split second. "Fuck," ouch that was too fucking strong. Jesus Christ. At least it worked. Sure enough, I could see Jasper's silhouette opening the bedroom door. I ripped off that stupid watch and sat up.
"Jasper are you awake?" I got no answer. He was really sleepwalking. I know the doctor told me this could happen and the medication bottle said it too... but I didn't think he'd actually sleepwalk.
I got out of bed, I could barely see. A quick glance at my clock told me it was 3 on the dot, in the morning.
I shuffled over to where he was. I could see him heading for the front door. "Shit. What the hell?" I rushed over to him before he could lay a finger on the lock. "Hey, Jasper. Umm." What do I say, doc said I'm not supposed to wake him up... I'll just talk to him I guess. Maybe he'll listen. "Hey, Jasper. Come back to bed." I softly placed my hand on his shoulder.
He swatted my hand away. I had no words. He slowly turned to face me. His eyes were wide open. He looked kinda scary. "I don't want to go back to bed with you." His voice was cold.
"W-what?" I dropped my hand down.
"I said I don't want to go back to bed with you!" W-with me? He doesn't... "Just leave me alone. You're always going on about this and that. Just shut up." His calm tone was making it hard to breathe. "This was a mistake." Wha- "All of this was a mistake. I should have never started dating you. You're good-looking but that's about all you've got." I had no words. I took a few steps back. Why was he saying this to me? "We should have never become friends. You should just disappear. Never come back. I wouldn't miss you." My heart ached. I felt sick. No wait, really sick, I'm gonna throw up. I ran to the bathroom and the little bit of food and acid in my stomach came up into the toilet.
I wiped my mouth and headed right back to Jasper as soon as I could to make sure he wasn't trying to leave. I still felt nauseous, but I had to power through. He was still asleep. So I have to make sure he's safe. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I can't let him wander out of the apartment.
He was still standing at the door. He hadn't moved. I stood in front of him. I was gonna have to use force to keep him here if he tried anything. He's strong, but luckily he's not as strong as me. I could definitely hold him down if I had to. Not that I want to though.
I need to know.
"Jasper... do you really mean that?" He was asleep, right? I mean should I trust his unconscious mind... I mean on one hand, he would have no filter and say what he believes. But he could be in a dream or something, and maybe in that dream, I've betrayed him or something. Is that how sleepwalking works? God, I just hope it's not the first option.
"Of course I mean it. You're good at reading me. Does it seem like I'm lying?" My head hurt. He wasn't. He wasn't lying. And a few days ago when he asked me to break up... he really does mean everything he's saying. "You cry too much." He's right, I do cry too much. I always have. Since I was a child. "Fine I'll come back to bed with you, but just know. I don't love you. I never have." He walked back to the room.
My legs gave out. How did this happen? As I sat on the floor I cried into my hands. I love him too much. How could I let this happen?
I got the strength to stand and wobbled back to the room. He was asleep again. I watched him. He was peaceful like he had never gotten up. It was painful to get back into bed with him. I almost felt like I was going to throw up again. I faced away from him and laid as far away as possible. If what he said was really true I don't want to bother him more. I'll see how he is tomorrow. Maybe he was right.
I got a familiar feeling. One I haven't felt since high school. But this time oddly enough, it hurts way more.
Why do I keep giving my heart to people who don't want it?