Dear Sean,
When you say, "I Will Never DO IT Again For Us And My Kids." It gives me a remote glimmer of hope. If you truly love someone you won't cheat on them. You'll communicate your issues and be open about what is going on. People who want to save relationships won't cheat, as simple as that.
If you remember that you are the man who promised me the world before and after we got marries but you didn't even saved yourself for me leave aside the whole world.
You say that you will never do it again. This one blow rather a big hit of all the revelation is enough for me. The pain is enough for several lifetimes.
You asked me the question, "Do I think you'll ever do it again?" And I couldn't answer it on the spot but I contemplated a lot about it. My heart says, "No. you'll never do it again. But again my heart had always said that you would never do it in the first place. Because you are still my husband, my soul mate and my better half. You owed me honesty. You owed me integrity, and you owed it to me to keep your promises. You didn't. I agree that it took both of us to come to a point where you saw an option to choose betrayal, but at the same time you still made the choice to betray, be deceitful, and lie."
There is so much of me that wants to work things out too but then you who promise me the world get mad when I ask for delivery of those promises which breaks me and my hopes. Even if you say you are, you are not as invested in our relationship as much as I am. This is not the way you can show you are. You are only interested in yourself and whatever benefits you. So your words are like 'a remote glimmer of hope' as your actions do not match with your words.
Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about how self-centred and selfish you seem to me in your actions and in your behaviour. Why do you act and behave like this if you want to keep our marriage, me and kids with you? This is what I get as an explanation to my concern for you. Please read it if it can make any difference to you.
'Selfishness is the primary motivator for adulterers. We all have selfishness, but adulterers have fed that selfishness and let it grow. They become self-centric and tend to place unreasonable expectations on their spouse. Then when those expectations cannot be met, they begin to blame the spouse and begin to only focus on the perceived negative things about the spouse. They have a desire to cheat and are building the excuse/justification they need to act on it. Then they become blind to all the good the spouse does. Once they have enough "justification" and the opportunity, which they sought out, they cheat.
This selfishness as the motivator is important to understand to determine the answer to your question, should you believe his motive of staying in the holy matrimony.
Has he shown a change in his selfishness?
Is he acting less self-centred?
Is he becoming a selfless person?
Is he doing everything in his ability to help you heal?
Has he stopped blaming you and taken all responsibility for his choice to cheat?
Has he dropped his excuses and admitted that he did it because he wanted to and he chose to?
Has he begun to face the monster he had become and started fighting that monster to be a better person?
Has he changed because he wants to be a better person and not just to keep you?
If you can answer yes to those questions, then you have good reason to believe his motives. If you answer no to many of them, chances are he is being manipulative and has just figured out how to sound believable.'
As for you not ever cheating again, I don't believe we can know that. We can have the reassurance that you aren't currently. However, you have proven that you have the capability to justify a very selfish evil act and you can do it again if you feed that selfishness again. I recommend you looking deep down and learning why you were driven to do something so very selfish. Then take steps to be more and more selfless every day. The more selfless you become, the less likely you will ever desire doing something that evil and traumatizing to someone who loves you again. You physically cheated on me with how ever many and brought home an STD, I just want to move forward. I'm seriously not attacking, but trying to help you as you are not ready to go get expert help for yourself. It is very important that you discover you true motivation. You need to face it and learn to heal from it. Otherwise, it will manifest in other destructive ways like this.
Today someone shared it with me and I want you to evaluate yourself if you are truly repentant or not. This is from internet and really worth sharing with you. This is really a worth reading article son I am sharing the link with you though I am including the same in this letter too.
https://deeprootsathome.com/12-signs-that-someone-is-repentant/?fbclid=IwAR359ngreGj4r5wMMbU7Lt4EqndtkjR24MuDs7V1QJQ_Hk6eieWHE_E46d4
12 Signs We Have A Genuinely Repentant Heart:
1. We name our sin as sin and do not spin it or excuse it or call it an "issue", and further, we demonstrate "godly sorrow," which is to say, a grief chiefly about the sin itself, not just a grief about being caught or having to deal with the consequences of sin.
2. We actually confessed before we were caught or the circumstantial consequences of our sin caught up with us.
3. If found out, we confess immediately or very soon after and "come clean," rather than having to have the full truth pulled from us. Real repentance is typically accompanied by transparency.
4. We have a willingness and eagerness to make amends. We will do whatever it takes to make things right and to demonstrate we have changed.
5. We are patient with those we've hurt or victimized, spending as much time as is required listening to them without jumping to defend ourselves.
6. We are patient with those we've hurt or victimized as they process their hurt, and we don't pressure them or "guilt" them into forgiving us.
7. We are willing to confess our sin even in the face of serious consequences (including undergoing church discipline, having to go to jail, or having a spouse leave us).
8. We may grieve the consequences of our sin but we do not bristle under them or resent them. We understand that sometimes our sin causes great damage to others that is not healed in the short term (or perhaps ever).
9. If our sin involves addiction or a pattern of behaviour, we do not neglect to seek help with a counsellor, a solid twelve-step program, or even a rehabilitation centre.
10. We don't resent accountability, pastoral rebuke, or church discipline.
11. We seek our comfort in the grace of God in Jesus Christ, not simply in being free of the consequences of our sin.
12. We are humble and teachable.
These 12 signs are there for your self analysis to make sure that you are on the right track or not.
I'm still blinded by hurt and I fear I will remain this way until I see the effort from you that I deserve. It has to be in the actions definitely not only in the words.
I don't want you to feel stark naked guilty only as without being remorseful it has a destructive effect. I've learned there is a remarkable difference between feeling guilty and remorseful. Guilt is most certainly attached to the spouse who gets caught, whereas remorse seems more evident in the spouse who comes forward about their transgressions.
Yes feeling guilty and feeling remorseful both seem similar at one point of time but they are really different.
A guilty person will weep, cry and he will apologise. So guilt is a self-centred emotion rather it is a reaction, where the focus was on you and your feelings. Your guilt caused a victim-like effect and is was produced when you were caught. The motive behind showing guilt-stricken seems about ridding yourself of the burden of the sins, to stop me from asking questions, or stop me from being sad, or suspicious.
You're feeling the guilt means I must be ok with what you did.
Guilt proposes a solution but remorse solicits input. Guilt is an "I'm sorry"; remorse is "what can I do to be forgiven?" Guilt has trouble looking you in the eye whereas remorse has trouble looking away. Guilt is solitary. It keeps you up at night plotting and thinking of ways to feel better about yourself.
People on diets feel 'guilty' when they have a piece of cake, but that feeling doesn't change them enough to refrain forever from having another piece.
Guilt causes you to lie to yourself; remorse drives you to tell the truth.
Guilt begs for the feeling to be over; remorse begs for a little more time.
Guilt buys a gift in repentance; remorse lands you on your knees begging for forgiveness.
Remorse is a must if you want it truly to make it possible for the sake of our family and our marriage to survive this hurricane of infidelity in our lives.
It sounds like I have put way more thought and analysis into your cheating episodes than you have. I can't do the work for you. I'm protecting myself physically (STD test), financially (post-nuptial agreement), and emotionally (therapist) but there is no such effort seen from you. I don't need more stress. I don't know at this point if you are willing to grow yourself and work on it. I am still allowing myself a bit of hope just in case you grow yourself. But also telling myself I need to walk away if you don't.
That's why all this effort to let you know about my expectations from you. You still have a lot to prove to me and a lot to make amends for. So that's why I am allowing room to change but also keeping in mind that you may not ever change and I have to be prepared for that. I am staking my life and my happiness on the fantasy that I can help another person who has already shown me what he is capable of. You have shown me who you are! So this is the last chance for you to consider it if you want to be in my life as a committed husband. If you really want to be there in the life of your kids as a dedicated father ever. I'll have limited contact after your decision because I can't help someone who won't seek help. I have to put myself first and your inability to take accountability to do something about it is really confusing as I cannot fall in your wallowing of misery by not taking suitable steps to make amendments. I have a good heart as I care for you and want to help you. However, I don't deserve this limbo. I have come to a point where I've accepted that my marriage is over and I need to heal because my kids need me. Our children need at least one stable parent and I need to be that parent.
I am finally coming to the conclusion that you just don't want to be rejected. That's the only reason you begged me to stay every time. Because I'm sure you don't respect me. You don't respect our marriage. Our lives feel like a game to you.
You don't want me, but don't want me to move on and be happy.
You only want what you want and don't care about the emotional damage to me or our both the kids.
I want you to ponder over it and then make the final decision ultimately.
A deceived shattered wife,
Serena