It was two days before christmas and Jennie was already on vacation from work. She used the time to catch up on her coursework for her business degree. She basically had the whole day to herself because Ella was rehearsing for the school play all afternoon. She'd be home no sooner than five and Daniel's Dad promised Jennie he'd give Ella a ride home.
Therefore, it surprised Jennie even more that her doorbell rang at two o'clock. She got up from her chair, leaving her laptop open. Maybe it was the mail delivery. Or Lisa.
But when Jennie opened the door and saw who stood in front of it, twisting and turning his hands nervously, she almost wanted to turn back around and slam the door shut in his face.
It was Jennie's Father.
"Hey Jen Jen..." He started, looking at her carefully.
"Hey.... Dad.... what... uhm... I mean..." Jennie was still very shocked and her head felt dizzy all of a sudden. Her father was the last person she had expected to stand in front of her. Had she even given him this adress? Jennie wasn't sure.
Maybe he had asked Jisoo about it. But it was highly untypical for Jisoo not to warn her beforehand. Or give out her adress so easily... It couldn't have been Jisoo. And not Rosie either.
"I'm sorry for showing up like this... did I catch you inconveniently?" He stepped from one foot to the other while Jennie just continued to stare at him.
"Uhm... where... did you get this address..." she managed to ask, looking at him now with furrowed eyebrows.
"Sorry Jen... I saw it on one of the envelopes in your Mom's lawyer's office... I should have called you, but..."
But he wasn't sure if Jennie would have picked up the call at all. Jennie saw it in his eyes.
"Do you have a minute... to talk...?" The tall, middle-aged korean man asked his daughter. Jennie noticed that he looked younger since the last time she had seen him. More free. More in balance with himself. He was dressed rather casual but Jennie recognized the Ralph Lauren label on his knitted, dark blue jumper anyways.
Her dad had always been a handsome man. There was no question.
Still Jennie got that icy feeling in her stomach every time she was faced with one of her parents ever since they kicked her out for getting pregnant at sixteen. Her mother had called her a disgrace for it.
However, Jennie had seen a shift in her father's behaviour ever since her mother had died. She was very aware that he was not the driving force of making those horrible decisions in Jennie's young life. It had all been her mother. But he did not put a stop to her either. He had been under her claws for far too long.
Jennie hadn't seen her father often since her mother had been hospitalized. But now, Jennie started to see her father's real personality leak through. He was remorseful and ashamed of what he did to his only daughter all those years ago. And to his grandchild that he didn't really know at all.
Jennie had told Jisoo that she needed her father to reach out to her on his own accord for her to be able to give him a second chance, but now that he actually stood on her doorstep, looking so fucking small, Jennie wasn't sure what to feel.
There was ice in her stomach and an uncomfortable tightness in her chest. Her head was swimming and she desperately needed something to hold onto. She tried to pull herself together, breathing deeply and nodded at her father.
"I've got a minute." Slowly she stepped aside and let the man who was more a stranger than a father to her, inside.
"Thank you." He bowed his head slightly and got inside. Jennie guided him into the living room, motioning for him to sit where he wanted while she sat down on her favourite armchair, clawing her nails into the armrests.
She didn't bother showing him the house or offering him a cup of tea or something. She was far too overwhelmed by her anxiety for that.
"It's a nice house, Jen..." The older man looked around, eyes going to various picture frames, showing her and Ella through the years. Some of them held Jisoo and Rosie too.
"Thanks..."
"Jisoo got married?" His eyes lingered on their wedding photo that Jennie had displayed also.
"Yeah... five years ago... Rosie is great!" Jennie tried hard to make casual conversation. She watched her father's flitting eyes closely.
"So, no grandchildren for Jisoo's parents then, huh?" He tried to joke a little but that was the exact wrong thing to say in front of Jennie right now.
"There are other ways nowadays." She bit back.
"Two women raising a child, you know what your mother would have said?" He laughed a little but then closed his mouth instantly, realising what he had said.
"I don't care what she would have said! And Jisoo's Mom was by the way not as opposed to the idea of being a grandparent as you guys were. Even at such a young age! Even though she wasn't Ella's real grandma!" Jennie exploded a little bit. It triggered her endlessly that he joked about Jisoo being a lesbian, therefore not being able to provide her parents with a grandchild while he had a grandchild that he kicked out of his house because she was born too early in their lives!?
"So when I got pregnant it was the end of the world but now you all want grandchildren? Who gives you the right to decide when the time's right to have children or grandchildren, huh?" Jennie clawed her armrest so hard, her fingers were starting to go white.
"No.... Jen... I didn't mean it like that... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.... or Jisoo..." her father tried to backpaddle, leaning forward and staring into Jennie's slits of eyes.
"But you did! On so many levels!" Jennie's voice got louder and she felt her heartbeat in her temples. The slightly homophobic comment also hit Jennie hard. Her parents had never known that she was bisexual. It was not like she came out to them before she got pregnant with Ella. And afterwards she didn't have any contact or any relationship with them whatsoever. Why bother telling them about her sexual orientation? It had been none of their business.
She shook her head a little to clear it. "What do you want here anyway?"
Jennie's father scooted forward on the couch and laid a hand on the armrest of Jennie's chair. He wanted to reach out but Jennie pulled her arm away instantly, looking at him with pure ice in her cat eyes.
"Look, I know how wrong and horrible it was what your Mom did to you..."
"You're not innocent either!" Jennie cut in sharply.
"Yes... I was too weak of a person to stand against her... and I regret it deeply. I don't know Ella... at all..."
"Or me, for that matter!"
"Yes... I don't know you either... but I want to get to know you again. Both of you. And I wanted to ask you if we could find some middle ground to walk on... and... I don't know... if you could find a way to forgive me...?"
Jennie felt her anger and her anxiety and every bad feeling ever rise up inside her and it threatened to burst out. Her chest felt so tight and she had trouble breathing. She shot up from her chair, glaring at her father.
"Middle ground? Where's the middle ground for a father who abandoned his teenage daughter for one dumb mistake instead of being there for her all the way? Or for a grandfather who doesn't know his thirteen-year old granddaughter and has never bothered to get to know her before!? I don't know where that middle ground is!!!" She screamed at him, there were tears coming out of her eyes now. She turned around on her heels, swiping her phone from the dining table and rushing into the kitchen, slamming the door.
"Jennie..." Her father tried rather weakly. He had gotten up too but now he did not quite seem to know what to do. Jennie did not care what he did. In fact she regretted that she hadn't just told him to get the fuck out of her house right away.
Her hands were shaking and she did the only thing she knew would help her now. She pressed call on her phone and not two rings later Lisa's happy voice sounded in her ear.
"Hey Jen, what's up?"
"Lisa... can you come...? I'm not ok..." Jennie sniffed breathlessly, pacing up and down in her kitchen. Her whole body felt weak, including her voice and she took a very shaky breath of air that struggled to get all the way down into her lungs.
"Baby..." Lisa sighed worriedly, obviously having heard the distress in Jennie's voice. "I'll be right there."
Jennie cut off the call without another word and felt even bigger, hotter tears form in her eyes. She was so god damn glad that Ella wasn't here to witness this. Wrapping her arms around herself and sobbing quietly, she put the phone down on the counter. The doorbell rang and Jennie snuck out the kitchen like a ghost to let Lisa in.
The Thai's eyes grew even more concerned than she had sounded on the phone a second ago and she checked Jennie for physical injuries quickly before landing on her red-rimmed cat eyes. "Baby...?" She let out but Jennie grabbed her arm and pulled her into the kitchen behind her, closing the door. Out of the corner of her eyes, Jennie had caught a glimpse of her father still sitting on her couch with his face in his hands.
"Baby, what's going on?" Lisa caught Jennie's wrist that held her gently and turned Jennie around. Another wave of dizziness went through Jennie's head and the painfully familiar ache in her chest that she associated with her parents ever since she was sixteen years old.
She broke down sobbing once more and Lisa pulled her flush into her body. Arms going around the smaller woman and she burried her into her chest, letting her cry.
"Baby, please tell me... I'm so worried." Lisa whispered into Jennie's hair and left a kiss there too.
"My...." Jennie tried talking in between sobs. "My... father..."
"Your father?" Lisa asked back confused.
"He's..."
"He's, what?" She nudged Jennie softly, stroking her hair constantly. Jennie dug her face into Lisa's snugly sweater even deeper.
"He's here..."
"He's here? Where here?" Lisa sounded even more alarmed now.
"In the living room..." Jennie sobbed again and Lisa shushed her, swaying around a little bit with Jennie in her arms.
"How... did that happen...? I thought you guys didn't... speak..."
"He... was... in front of my door... wanting... to talk... and I was dumb enough to let him in..."
Lisa left a firm kiss on Jennie's forehead. "Do you want me to kick him out?"
"I... I don't know..." Jennie pushed off the Thai a little bit and looked up into her warm doe eyes. Lisa shifted her hand to Jennie's lower back like she always did and proceeded to stroke her gently.
"He... he triggers me so much..."
"I completely understand that."
"He wants to talk but then he says stupid fucking things. And he doesn't even apologize properly for all the shit he put me through!" Jennie talked herself into a fresh rage, her voice getting louder and stronger again.
"Where's Ella?" Lisa asked with a worried look, eyes boring into Jennie's.
"She's at school still...."
"Good." Lisa sighed quietly, nodding a little.
"He wants to get to know Ella and he wants some 'middle ground', whatever that means and I just... I don't know what to feel, it's too much!"
The hand on Jennie's back had magic powers, Jennie was sure of it. It seemed to calm her in a way that nothing ever could. Lisa's tentative kisses all over her face also helped.
"I can kick him out. You don't have to look at him again today." The Thai offered.
"If I do that... I'm just as bad as him... I should... I don't know... give him a chance to say what he wants to say and then you can kick him out after..." Jennie swallowed the hard lump in her throat.
"You're not seriously thinking about going back in there, are you?" Lisa asked her disbelievingly. The hand on Jennie's back increased the pressure protectively.
Jennie sighed, after having calmed down a lot more. She started to feel her head ache from the sudden crying. "It's the grown-up thing to do... but... will you come with me?"
"Meeting your father?" Lisa's eyes became wide and Jennie clawed at Lisa's shirt tighter signalling how much she needed her right now.
"This is not about impressing him or anything. There is no relationship! If anything he has to do the impressing! You have nothing to proove or to worry about!" Jennie assured the Thai who had become a little more stiff for a second. "I just need you by my side..."
"Ok..." Lisa sighed out calmly. Jennie felt her partner's heartbeat slow down again under her fingers.
"I told you we've got some baggage... if it's too much, you should back out now..." Jennie whispered quietly into Lisa's chest. She felt stupid for even saying it but she needed Lisa's assurance now more than ever.
"No! Baby, I'm here. I want to be here! For you and for Ella. Through everything good and everything bad. You always seem to forget what I said to you..."
"Sorry..." Jennie mumbled and Lisa tilted her chin up with a finger and kissed her briefly.
"I mean it. Don't forget it again."
Through the deep rooted pain that was still lingering in her chest, Jennie also felt that tingling glow that came with every one of Lisa's words and her touches. It spread all over the bad feelings inside of her and pushed them out.
Jennie looked up at Lisa with blurry eyes and they simultaneously leaned in for another reassuring kiss. Then Jennie took the taller one's hand and interlocked their fingers, pulling her out of the kitchen slowly.
Hand in hand, they walked into the living room. Mr. Kim looked up from his hands when they entered. With an unknown pang in her chest, Jennie realized that her father had been crying too. At least a little.
"Dad... this is Lisa." Jennie spoke up weakly. Mr. Kim got up instantly like he'd been bitten by something and he bowed to Lisa a little. Lisa bowed back.
"Jen, if I knew you had company... I'm so sorry! Maybe I should... go..."
"Sit down." Jennie commanded and her father did as he was told, closing his mouth.
"Lisa, this is my father who kicked me out of the house because I had sweet little Ella in my belly at sixteen years old." The korean woman introduced her father to Lisa in the most blunt way she could think of. She sat back down into her armchair and Lisa took a seat on the outer armrest, throwing a protective arm around Jennie's shoulders from slightly above. Her hand dangled from Jennie's shoulder to her collarbone and the korean woman reached up to tangle their fingers together.
She noticed her father's eyes follow their motions. "I'm sorry we have to meet like this..." He told Lisa with respect in his voice. He really tried, Jennie could tell. "You're a friend?"
Jennie looked right into the older man's eyes. "Lisa and I are actually dating." She deadpanned and raised their joined hands to her lips to press a kiss to the back of Lisa's hand before looking back at her father, whose eyes have gone wide and he became white as a sheet. He probably remembered his dumb ass comment from before.
Jennie witnessed the shocking realisation on her father's face with the biggest satisfaction ever. She had never come out to anyone like this before! Without caring one bit about their actual opinion about her sexuality. Her father had no other option but to accept her if he really wanted a relationship with his daughter again. And if he walked out the door now, Jennie had one less problem. Win, win.
"She's my..." Jennie briefly looked up at Lisa who looked down at her at the same time. Jennie wanted to say it. The word was on her tongue but she didn't know if it was actually the case.
"Girlfriend." Lisa finished for her with a loving smile towards Jennie. "I'm her girlfriend."
It was the first time either of them had really labeled their relationship. And it was in front of Jennie's estranged father nontheless. Jennie felt so tingly and happy that she almost forgot who sat on her couch right now. She beamed back up at Lisa, squeezing her hand and tilting her chin up in a silent request. Lisa leaned down and they kissed softly but briefly right in front of Jennie's father's eyes.
Then Jennie's head turned to look at the man. "It's fairly new but Lisa and I are two women who are gonna raise Ella together. Is that ok with you or you got anything to say about that dad?" she challenged flatly, raising her eyebrows at him.
Mr. Kim widened his eyes but he shook his head slowly trying to meet Jennie's cold slits. "No... Jen, honey, I didn't know.... that you were.... I'm sorry, you know I didn't mean it. I'm surprised, but..." he turned to look at Lisa. "It's nice to meet you Lisa."
Lisa nodded. "It's nice to meet you too Mr. Kim." Her tone wasn't as nice as she would have talked to anybody else, Jennie realized with some satisfaction but Lisa wasn't unfriendly either. She was more neutral.
"So, that means... you're like... Ella's step-mother then?" Mr. Kim tried to keep a civil conversation going while filing away this newfound information in stereotypical boxes in his head. Lisa shot Jennie a small amused look before answering him.
"I'm more like her Unnie for now... but yeah, I care about your granddaughter a lot. She's an awesome kid."
"If you want to get to know her, you have to deal with both of us." Jennie stated while Lisa gave a small nod. "And Ella herself has to agree of course."
"I do. Jen, I want to get to know both of you." He leaned forward again, searching for Jennie's eyes softly. "All three of you, I mean." He corrected himself with a respectful look at Lisa. He was trying really hard, Jennie could tell. She felt a lot more secure and in control of the situation with Lisa by her side. It felt incredible.
"I'll talk to Ella... and... we'll think about it... " Jennie told him firmly.
"Alright." The tall man nodded like he was accepting his verdict. "Just please know... that I deeply regret my actions and if I could turn back time and do things differently, I would. I'm very aware... of what I lost..." He motioned to Jennie and also spared Lisa a look.
Jennie actually felt a tiny wave of empathy for the man in front of her as he said those words. Words she had never heard from him before. It was a step forward. She gave him the tiniest nod with serious eyes.
"Do you... think... I could... take you guys out to eat... on Christmas day?"
Jennie stiffened instantly. She felt her anger rise up again rapidly and she felt Lisa's arm pull her closer in response. What in the fucking world was he thinking!? Taking them out for Christmas!? On a family holiday? When he was anything but family to them for over ten years!? Fucking no!
"Dad. Just because you took the first step coming here and apologizing, doesn't mean we'll instantly forgive you. We're gonna do this on our terms. Not yours. We have plans on Christmas. It's reserved for my chosen family." She squezed Lisa's hand and felt the Thai lay her head slightly on top of Jennie's.
Jennie hadn't actually discussed her plans for christmas with Lisa yet, but she was one hundred percent sure that they were on the same page about not spending the holidays apart.
"You're right... sure. Uhm... you have my number. I guess, i'm getting out of your hair now..." He got up slowly with a sad look at his grown daughter.
Jennie just nodded but didn't make a move to get up too. "Bye."
"Bye Jen Jen."
Lisa got up instead. "I'll bring you to the door." She did it so that Jennie didn't have to do it.
The korean woman shot her a thankful look and deflated instantly as soon as her father and Lisa left the living room. Emotionally drained was just about the best self-diagnosis, Jennie could give herself right now. She didn't feel capable of even thinking any further about the very recent events. Nevertheless her mind was spinning with things she wanted to say to her father. She realized she was far from done with ranting out all of her anger and her frustration at him.
If he wanted to be back in their lives, he was going to have to endure through all of it. He was going to have to take Jennie's anger and all the unspoken feelings and words. But she certainly did not plan on seeing him again before the new year. He was going to have to wait. Period.
And then in January Jennie might consider talking to Ella about this. Not any sooner.
Jennie heard the door close and Lisa came back a few seconds later. Their eyes met and the tears came shooting back into Jennie's brown orbs like a flash flood. With three big strides Lisa was there and scooped her up into an intimate hug, squeezing in on the armchair with Jennie.
She let Jennie cry for quite some time before she pulled them both up and walked Jennie into the kitchen, hugging her from behind and guiding her hips. They made some special hot chocolates and spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling on the couch, watching TV until Ella came home.