Maddox feels like one of those times when her mother would tell her not to touch something on the street, because it might be dirty or she might hurt herself with it. Or when she'd tell her not to run with her shoelaces untied, because she'd fall flat on her face and they'd have to stitch her face up again. Or when she told her not to climb over the garden railings because she would lose her balance and fall. Any of those occasions had one thing in common: the possibility of harm and pain was real, and yet Maddox had disobeyed.
"I told you not to touch that. You don't know what it is because it's not yours, and now you've hurt yourself. You won't do it anymore, will you?" Maria reprimands her.
Maddox quickly shakes her head, frightened. "No, mamá. I won't do it anymore. You can fix me, can't you?" The image of Maria Easton is evaporating, and instead of sitting at the kitchen counter at home, Maddox is standing in a hospital, operating room scrubs on, her gaze blank, an icy cold piercing her bones, and her hand buried in the chest of a dying patient. "Right, mamá?"
The return to reality is none too pleasant. Dylan, the bomb squad leader, circles around her to fit her as carefully as he can into the bomb vest. Maddox tries not to move, but her fingers inevitably pry around, and she finds that Hannah was right: something metallic is threatening to explode right in front of her, something hard and possibly bigger than she would want. Maddox takes a deep breath, aware that this is a situation where she has to give it her all, stay calm and not do anything stupid. Stupider than sticking her hand in a patient's bleeding wound with a bomb in it, of course.
Next to her, Cristina, also wearing the vest, says nothing. Maddox thinks an obscene number of times about Meredith's premonition from earlier that morning, but dares not externalize it for fear that Cristina will feel guilty for telling her that, or that Cristina will think she's going crazy. Still, the other surgeon remains silent, feeling unable to say anything to improve the tense atmosphere they are in.
Maddox is almost grateful that Burke is back in the operating room. From the look on his face he doesn't bring good news, so Maddox simply turns her gaze back to nothing to avoid unpleasantness.
"It's time for you to go," he whispers to Cristina.
"No, I'm staying," Cristina tries to make those her last words, to let Burke sense the steadiness in her voice, but her trembling fingers betray her on the manual respirator.
"There's nothing more you can do here. We got it covered. Cristina, this is not another cool surgery. This ammo could go off anytime and kill everyone in this room, do you get that? You cannot be in here."
Cristina opens her mouth to refute something, but Burke comes up to her ear and mumbles so softly that even Maddox, inches away from them, can't hear what it's all about. The brunette looks away, as if for a moment of intimacy, and only looks back at Cristina when she reaches for her again.
"We'll be fine," Maddox speaks in a light tone, trying to defuse the tension. "It's okay," is enough for Cristina to nod slowly, still debating between wanting to accompany her friend and wanting to get Burke to be able to operate properly. "Cristina," she calls to her before she disappears out the door. "If Mer hears about this, you tell her next time it'll be me who stays in bed. Yeah?" Her smile is weak but there, and Cristina nods again, leaving the room.
Time passes, and Maddox doesn't see that a real solution is on the way. It is Dylan who momentarily relieves Cristina in getting Mr. Carlson to breathe, and the fact that the man is there and not at an urgent meeting to get that bomb out does not reassure her, although he does come out later, and that doesn't calm her much either. Burke sits in front of her, as expectant as Maddox or even more so. Maddox is aware that Burke is the OR chief, and also her resident that day, so anything Maddox does wrong will fall on his responsibility. Even if that bomb explodes in her hand and she dies.
"So, is this the weirdest thing that's ever happened in your OR?" asks Maddox, wanting to distract herself.
"I'd have to say it is."
"Good, because I'm very competitive," Maddox smiles, though the smile doesn't reach her eyes.
"All the best surgeons are," Burke says, and Maddox feels a little better.
"I'm sorry, Dr. Burke. After what happened in the elevator, cardio was one of my choices to specialize. You're one of the best doctors I've ever worked with, and I'm not just saying that because, well, you're Cristina's boyfriend, or my potential boss if I chose cardio. And I don't usually screw up like that, so I'm sorry."
"You don't get to say that, Dr. Easton. You're the one saving his life now, and you're the one who's given everyone in this hospital another chance. Stay calm, and I promise we'll get you out of this."
"Okay," Maddox nods to herself. "Okay."
Dylan peeks through the half-open door shortly thereafter, and makes the slightest gesture that is enough for Burke to get up from his chair and come to him. They start whispering and shooting glances at her.
"Stop," Maddox says. The two men turn, startled. "I'm not a patient. You're both looking at me the way you look at patients. Like I'm going to freak out at any moment. I'm not going to freak out, so whatever it is, give it to me straight."
Burke looks at her with surprise, but also with firmness, and approaches her with his arms crossed. "The main oxygen line runs directly under this room."
"Okay," Maddox agrees again, but Burke's face is grim. "It's not okay. Well? I need one of you to tell me what exactly this means, because I think I know what it means, but I tend to have a glass half empty these days, so I won't trust what I think it means. Because what I think it means is that if the bomb exploded over the oxygen line, the whole hospital could blow up. And that's crazy, right?" Neither Dylan nor Burke deigns to say anything, so Maddox panics. Just a little bit. "So, it's crazy and true."
"Maddox, all it means is that we need to move," Dylan whispers calmly.
Even Burke turns to look at him as if asking for explanations. "Move?"
"So, I can't move my fingers to keep the ammo from shifting, but we can move the gurney?"
"It's our safest option," Dylan concludes.
"Okay. We can do it. You handling this, Easton?"
"I'm handling this."
Maddox can almost hear a voiceover say, what an utter lie.
With her hand inside Mr. Carlson's chest, Maddox is already barely aware of reality. She is not the least bit disgusted by her hand touching his organs, the blood flowing around his arm, or the cavities she may have touched before she became aware of the oxygen line. Now, knowing that everything can really explode, the fear is more real, but so is the dissociation. Maddox can't make out what's going on around her, but at least she's not scared to death either.
The stretcher moves so slowly it hurts. The feeling that at any moment the bomb could move a measly inch and could explode in her face makes her want to close her eyes tightly and wake up from a dream, but unfortunately it is now her reality and she can do nothing but walk as slowly as Dylan orders them, keeping her head cool, and it seems to Maddox that the hospital has never been as big as it has been until this moment.
"What are you doing?" Cristina appears out of nowhere, and almost manages to startle Maddox, but she curbs her instinct to jump out of fright.
"Stop. Stop right where you are," Dylan obliges her. "I thought Dr. Burke told you to leave."
"We're moving to an OR farther away from the oxygen line. You know, in case we explode," Maddox informs her in a weak voice.
"Stay there," Dylan finally relents, after Cristina's haughty insistence that she stay.
The gurney begins to move again and Maddox snaps back to reality. "Tell me something," she says to Cristina.
"What?"
"Cristina, I've got my hand on a bomb. I'm freaking out. And more importantly, I have really have to pee. Tell me anything."
"He told me he loved me," Cristina blurts out. Maddox opens her eyes in recognition. "Last night. He thought I was asleep but I heard him say it."
"Burke loves you."
"Yes," Cristina sighs. She averts her gaze to Dylan, who seems to judge her because he knows Burke and his charge. "Mind your own business."
"Burke loves you," Maddox repeats in a more animated tone.
"Yeah, everybody's got problems."
"Well, are you going to say it back or...?"
"Of course not! He didn't say it to me, he said it to the sleeping me. Reciprocity is not necessary. Besides, he might explode."
"Excellent point," Maddox concedes, nodding.
The conversation stops when the wheels of the gurney hit a metal slat blocking the passage. Breaths are held, words linger in the back of the throat, and Maddox again avoids gripping the device tightly if she doesn't want it to explode.
"Ready?" asks Dylan, and Maddox nods.
Cristina is slowly falling behind as they go, but Maddox can still hear her voice. "If you hadn't listened to Meredith..."
"She would have been the one here," Maddox smiles sadly. "You know she would have been the one stealing the best cases."
Cristina nods. "She always does."
The older one stares at Maddox until they enter the nearest operating room. She doesn't want to say it out loud, but she tries to remember as many of the girl's details as possible in case she never sees her again. Cristina swallows hard, taking off her cap and squeezing it between her fingers in hopes that it will make the anger and frustration coursing through her veins pass.
"We're ready when you are," Burke says. His hands are already gloved and his gaze is determined.
"We're good," Dylan says. "Maddox?"
"Yeah," she trails off. Her hand is cold and her bladder is full and her breathing is ragged, but she's ready. Or so she thinks.
"I'm going ot extend the wound. When I cut, the bleeding's going to intensify. To save Mr. Carlson, you have to pull the ammo out immediately."
"But remember," Dylan interjects. "Remove it while keeping it as level as possible. Nice and easy, no quick movements. Level."
"Right, level."
"Ready?" Dr. Burke asks, and Maddox gets the feeling it will be the last time he does it.
"Wait. Just a minute, please. I know— I know Cristina is not someone easy to talk to. I know she won't want this kind of responsibility, but please, tell her that she has to be there for Meredith, George and Izzie. George and Izzie shouldn't move out of the house if I'm not there. I'm usually the one to keep things civil at home, but I don't want them to lose touch. George and Izzie have to stay with Mer."
"Maddox—"
"I will do this, just let me finish. Don't let Meredith believe this is her fault. I know her, she'll blame herself and she'll go into this spiral of self-hate and self-deprecation and she's one of the best surgeons there will be, so I need her to stay focused. Don't let Cristina make any dark jokes about this," Maddox laughs a bit, her eyes wet. "I'm ready."
"Maddox, I want you to look at me," Dylan says. "Look at me. I know this is bad. And I know that I'm this ass who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like. Whatever you need. But you need to listen to me."
It seems like this will probably be the last time she sees Dylan in her life, both for better and for worse, so she decides to focus and take heed. There is no one she likes enough in her life to turn to them in a situation like this, with the exception of her parents. However, her brain thinks something different, especially when Dylan's image freezes and Dennis appears in his place.
"Dennis?" Maddox stammers. "Den."
Her brother approaches her, smiling. "I'm here, Maddie."
"I'm scared."
"I know. You can do this. It'll be over in a second," the boy's green eyes show all the hope Maddox has already lost. "You can do this, Maddox."
"Okay," the girl whines.
"Okay. I'm here with you. All the time."
Dennis smiles one last time, and Dylan's face reappears. Maddox gasps, overcome and worried that her brain has chosen to see her brother forgotten just before she dies. Around her, the scene stops looking white, and everything falls back into place: the gurney, the operating room lights, Burke and his team. No sign of Dennis.
Burke makes the first cut with the scalpel, and Maddox knows it's her turn. She gently wraps her hand around the device, gripping it firmly but gently, and begins to carefully and levelly extract it. Blood gushes from the wound like a spring, but her main concern is to get it out of the man's body and into Dylan's hands, who is already waiting with open hands. Maddox slows the shaking of her hands as best she can, leaving the bloody rocket in the man's hands.
"You did good," Dylan nods.
Maddox instantly pulls away, her heart slowly returning to its normal speed, so Burke can do his part of the plan and take over saving the patient's life. The girl chases Dylan down the hallway, curious, exhausted and frazzled, as if to make sure nothing happens.
Good thing she keeps her distance, because just as Meredith predicts that morning, strange things happen that day, and boy do they happen. The bomb explodes in Dylan's hands, who blows and is killed instantly, and the shockwave from the bomb knocks Maddox backwards at incredible speed, knocking her to the ground and causing her to lose consciousness.
"Dr. Easton. Dr. Easton," a voice in the distance calls out to her, but Maddox is very tired. "Maddox!"
She feels pats on her right cheek, increasingly frequent and insistent, so Maddox has no choice but to slowly open her eyes. Dr. Burke hovers over her, still wearing his operating cap and looking worried. His lips move as if in slow motion, and Maddox knows he's trying to tell her something, but now she can't hear him. "Dr. Burke?" she manages to mumble, and this time she does hear her own voice.
"Yes, it's me. Come on. Stay awake, alright? We need to check on you," Burke allows Maddox to continue lying down just to give her the first tests. The light from her small flashlight bothers her eyes, but the girl knows it's protocol. She blinks several times, trying to get used to the light in the hallway, and realizes that it's all full of debris. Slowly she remembers what has happened —Mr. Carlson, Dr. Milton running away, Hannah running away, her hand in the wound, her pulling out the device, it exploding in Dylan's hands and killing him— and her first reaction is to try to get up, frightened. "It's alright, Dr. Easton. How are you feeling? Anything hurts?"
"I'm— I'm fine. My shoulder hurts a bit, though. I must've landed on it," Maddox slowly rejoins. "What happened here?"
Burke looks at the mess around them and sighs. "Dr. Shepherd and I heard the bomb going off from our ORs. Dr. Bailey's husband is fine, and so is our guy. Fortunately the damage was only on this floor, and you know the rest of the consequences. After our surgeries we found you here, but it seems like you're just fine, just a bit shocked. Are you sure you don't need anything?"
"Dylan—," Maddox swallows, chagrined. "No one else has been badly hurt?"
"No. The rest of the floor was evacuated, and the men on his team were hurt but are stable. Apart from you five, nobody else was out here," Burke holds out a hand for Maddox to get up, and she accepts it. "We need to get out of here so the cleaning team cleans this up."
"Yes, okay," Maddox nods, distracted. Everything has happened so fast and yet so slow that she is barely aware of it all again. She only remembers how many times she has nearly died that day, and how despite everything, her brother is the first person her brain has turned to. Maddox doesn't want to admit it, but part of her wishes she had him by her side and that things would be the way they always are.
She looks at herself in the reflection in the glass of one of the windows, and realizes how deplorable she looks. There is blood on her gown, on her face and hands, dirt on her cheeks and forehead, a deeply weary, weary look. She closes her eyes, sighs, and thinks about how badly she wants to get home, take a bath, and tell Meredith that she owes her a whole month's worth of favors.
Dr. Shepherd appears around the corner, and when he sees her the surprise is evident in his eyes. "You okay there, Maddox? Had us worried for a minute."
"As my mother would say, Dr. Shepherd, soy más dura que una roca. Dr. Burke said Dr. Bailey's husband is fine now?"
"Yes, he is. He is stable now and resting a bit. He'll need it if he wants to meet his son."
Maddox smiles. "She had her baby? That's great. Everyone doing okay then?"
"It was a good day to save lives," Derek smiles, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"We're going to the first floor to inform the Chief about the situation," Burke says. "You should get your shoulder checked. I think Dr. Torres is still on her shift," the beeping of the elevator signals that they are about to reach the floor, and before the doors open, Maddox sees Dr. Burke smile for the first time in a long time. "You were good today, Easton. Get some rest, and then we'll be delighted to have you back."
Maddox nods and smiles, somewhat distracted, because she knows she should be happy that things went well, but there's something inside her that still doesn't feel right. She doesn't know if it's the traumatic shock she's just experienced, having witnessed a death so close, almost her own, or if it's an accumulation of things that have happened that don't let her rest well, but as soon as the doors open and everyone is waiting for them, impatient, Maddox knows she won't hold on much longer.
She pulls her cap off her head, messing up her brunette mane of hair, and she knows her eyes are watering. She is aware that they are watching her, that they are preparing for what will be the moment when she finally, after so much stress, collapses. She sees Cristina, George, Alex and Izzie in the background, raising their heads above the others so they can find her friend, and when their gazes meet, the four of them run towards her.
"Maddox!"
The girl's ears are still ringing a little, so she can't make out clearly whether it was Alex or George who called her, but when Izzie is the first to hug her and Maddox does the same, wrapping her arms around her neck, the brunette bursts into tears.