INDIE 26/12
I go back to my car and drive it for hours to make it to Ottawa.
Why was I even here?
I drive past my parents house and go to the door a door down.
It's Sawyer's house.
I knock on the door and Tyler answers eventually.
"Indie?" He says.
"Please can I ask George if it's okay to stay here for a day or two. Please don't tell Sawyer I'm here, I don't know where to go." I ask.
"Indiana, of course you can stay here." George says from behind him as he hugs me.
Yes they were definitely a hugging family.
Sawyer is the first person that hugs me in years and then his dad hugs me in the same 2 days.
"I'm so sorry, I forgot you weren't a hugger." He says as he quickly pulls away from the hug.
"It's okay George. Your son sort of broke that chain 2 days ago when he did in fact hug me. I'm so sorry for waking you guys up I just wasn't thinking and I came back here and obviously I can't go next door." I say as I close my eyes and shake my head to get rid of the thoughts.
"You definitely didn't wake us up. We were watching movies, I know you're an early bird so you can sleep in Sawyer's room. You know where it is?" He asks but he panics when he hears that.
"Don't worry. I do." I say as I get my stuff and take it to his room.
I take a deep breath before I open the door and look in.
Everywhere I look is just me, me and more me.
Not literally. It's just that most of these things were done by me.
The large S on his wall, done by me. The loft, done by me. All his decorating done by me.
I go up the stairs to the loft and go through the little trapdoor onto my side.
Our houses were connected.
There was a little room connecting us both.
It has photos of us that he clearly hadn't taken down.
I take a moment before opening the trapdoor to my side and seeing my side of the loft and my room.
I go down the stairs and look at all my stuff.
Everything was the same.
I look at everything, it was all how I left it.
I open the wardrobe and the prom dress I never got to wore is still there.
I open the desk and my notes from all my classes are still there and they were even organised.
Someone had been in here but why would I even care about that.
Maybe it was mom. I hope it was mom.
It wouldn't be her.
I open the other draw and see what made my stomach churn.
My diary.
There was nothing bad in it because I had been writing fake entries.
It said that it was a fictional diary as well so people wouldn't be too annoyed when they read it and realised it was utter bullshit.
It's more what was actually on the book that made me upset.
I can see all the ink faded from all the tears I shed over the diary. Whenever I was feeling sad, which was always, I'd write a fake entry of what I wanted my life to be like.
It was quite sad actually. I put it back and go back to Sawyer's room.
I lock the trapdoor on Sawyer's side and go back to his room.
God, everything here made me emotional.
Why did I come back?
I go to the basement and I go to the movie room, that's three sets of floors to go down.
I sit down next to Lia who nearly screams when she notices it's me.
"Oh my goodness. Indiana. Oh my goodness. Hi. Hello. Indie." She's so excited.
"Hello Lia." I say and Marcus says hello to me as well.
"I see my brother is not with you. Well done on shaking him." Marcus said and everyone laughs but I probably look even sourer than usual.
"Yeah he's back in Toronto." I say and they all laugh.
"Sawyer hated being alone as a kid. I'm sure he'll be fine now though." Lia says as she laughs before going on to her phone again.
"Wait how do you know he's alone?" I ask.
"Sawyer told me, I'm just gonna tell him you just got here." I try to stop her but it's too late.
"Lia! She didn't want your brother knowing she's here." George says as he looks at her phone and grumbles to himself.
"What, so we're just lying to Sawyer?" Lia says. She's upset now. "Why?"
"I don't know, Indie hasn't told me but your brother can be a bit... possessive even over people who maybe... don't like him that much." He says, being very careful with his words.
"You can say she doesn't like Sawyer, we kind of all know. It's like startlingly obvious." Lia says and everyone else gives her a look. Her eyes widen in shock. "Oh my good God, I am so sorry Indie! I didn't mean to sound so rude."
"It's okay." I yawn as I say that.
"I think it's bedtime for Indiana." George says.
"I'm fine..." I yawn again. "Okay, never mind. It's my bedtime. Goodnight guys."
I go to Sawyer's bed and fall asleep in it.
***
I wake up to someone bursting into the room.
It's Sawyer. He's got a train ticket in his hand and he smells like the express as well.
"You have to tell me when you leave. You should've told me." He's besides himself. Tears streaming down his face and all.
I sit him down.
"Sawyer. Calm down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I say as I decide to pat him on the shoulder awkwardly.
"Ana, please don't do that again. Why would you even leave?" He asks and now I'm just annoyed.
"Leave me alone." I say as I remember why I was so upset in the first place.
I go to the top part of his loft and sit on the bay window with the blanket and pillows I took from his closet.
I go on my phone but it's so empty that I just leave it alone.
I go into my camera roll and look at all the pictures but all there are are pictures of are from school and of nature.
Not one of me.
I saw Sawyer's phone before, it was filled with pictures of him and his friends.
I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror let alone take a picture of myself.
I try flipping my camera to myself but I hate it. The way my nose is crooked, the way my skin looks rough, the way my lips look chapped.
Instead I flip the camera and take a photo of outside.
It was nearly time to wake up but I couldn't even get to sleep.
I stand up on the bay and stare at the park where I learnt how to skateboard and made so many memories, some good, some bad but all memories nonetheless.
I put my hoodie and then coat on, get my alarm, go downstairs and put my shoes on, grabbing a spare key that George had left out for me.
I leave the house and start walking to the park but not before grabbing my skateboard from my car boot.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to skateboard, I was always scared too on campus in case people judged and also no one even knew I skated.
Sawyer did because we learned together but I didn't want to think about that. He definitely couldn't skate now with his break but he'd be fine, he always is.
I get to the park and start using the ramps, I'm glad the ramps are sheltere. I was still as god as before but after an hour I start feeling tired.
I sit down on the bench and stare at the playground.
"Should've known I'd find you here." Tyler says as he sits down next to me.
"Hi Ty." I say as I smile at him.
Tyler is the big brother I always needed. He was always there for me, even when he moved out because wanted to spend time with Marcus all the time.
I don't hesitate as I hug him tightly.
"Woah. Okay." He says as he hugs me back.
"I hated that. I just think you should know that you're a great brother." I say.
"Thank you Indie." He says as he smiles at me. "You know we should head back. Get some rest, you clearly haven't slept."
"Yeah, you're right." I say as we walk back together.
We get back in and I go back up to Sawyer's room where he's sitting on his bed on his phone and I ignore him as I go to suitcase.
I open my suitcase and get out any workout clothes and pop into his en-suite and get changed as I leave and go to the gym and work out.
I loved exercise. It was the only thing that make me feels happy these days.
I'm done after an hour and go to his room and shower in the en-suite and get back into my pyjamas and go back into his bed and try to sleep but I find myself staring at the ceiling.
I go to the loft part and unlock the latch and run into my room quick, getting something that I know would help me when I hear someone and get underneath my old bed.
I can't quite make out who it is.
"I just miss her. She's annoying and all but she's my sister." It's Danny.
He grabs whatever he needs and leaves and I grab the thing I needed and leave as well.
I lock the latch again and go back to his bed as I stare at it.
It's my blanket.
I've had it since I was born.
I never took it before I left but I needed it more than ever.
I put it on my body and start to fall asleep.