*trigger warning. Please read at your own risk.*
Prince's POV:
"That's a bird right there, and that is an animal called a squirrel." I said to baby P in a soft tone as I pointed and walked with him cradled to my chest in the park the next day. He was enjoying all the sights and sounds, his eyes got wide each time the wind would blow in his face and I would laugh at his curiosity. He was becoming more alert and comfortable with me and it made my heart happy. "Your mommy's favorite flower is a daisy. I used to pick them out of this very park and put them on the nightstand while she was sleeping, so when she woke up, she knew I was thinking of her. She's the love of my life, you know? It's always been her." I whispered, feeling my eyes water when I bent down in the grass and picked the white daisies that had started to bloom and held the flowers in my palm as we walked back to the front doors of Paisley Park, my mind was already fixated on finding a vase to put them in. Finally finding a purple vase, I smiled softly and filled it with water before I placed the flowers in it and took the elevator to the guest suite.
The room was dark and Mya's soft snores filled the space as I walked in slowly and placed the flowers on the nightstand before quietly moving the bassinet to the opposite side of the bed and softly placing baby P in it on his back, kissing his cheek, covering his body with a blanket, and
getting in bed with Mya, making sure that baby P's backpack was close enough that I could reach it, and slowly pulled her body towards mine, feeling the dried tears on her cheeks and her skin was hot enough that I could practically feel the heat radiating off her body. It was only then that I felt the piece of paper under my arm, which I picked up and carefully unfolded, feeling my heart drop at what was written, and dated a few days before Mya's stroke.
May 31st, 2016:
Baby names
Ian (Boy name, means "God is merciful and gracious")
Jude (Boy name, means "A disciple of Jesus")
Nathan (Boy name, means "Gift of God")
Thea (Girl name, means "Goddess")
Mary (Girl name, means "Wished for Child")
Gianna (Girl name, means "God's Grace")
Behind the names she had picked out, there was another piece of paper that looked like she didn't realize it was there. It was untouched, and seemed to be tucked between more papers, and my eyes narrowed at how detailed it was. She wrote in paragraphs.
Drug of choice? Heroin when I needed a downer, cocaine when I took too much heroin, and meth or crack when I wanted a quick rush to forget the world. Heroin was my drug of choice.
How did you use?: IV Drug user for heroin, snorted cocaine / smoked it on occasion, and smoked meth on tin foil, sometimes in a pipe, sometimes I used pen caps when desperate, crack was sometimes injected.
How many times a day?: I shot up heroin ten to fifteen times a day, snorted or smoked cocaine whenever I didn't have my drug of choice which was very often, and smoked crack the same amount.
If you used needles, where did you shoot up?: Everywhere. Resorted to my femoral and jugular when I depleted all other options.
Are you currently in withdrawal?: Yes.
When did you last use?: Three or four days ago.
What did you use? Fentanyl.
How?: Ingested.
Do you have any underlying medical conditions? Epilepsy.
Are you currently pregnant?: Yes.
Have you ever overdosed? Yes. Five times total.
Reason for wanting to be accepted: Cravings so strong that I'm afraid I won't be able to stay clean.
Do you feel like a burden to those around you?: Yes. Very much so.
Date of application: May 31st 2016.
Staring at Mya's body after reading the piece of paper in my hands, I felt my eyes water when I remembered her antsy behavior that day, the same day that John brought her the packet like she asked him. She knew, she wanted to the cravings gone and didn't tell anyone how bad she was actually struggling. I believed her, even as tears streamed down her face. Kissing her cheek, I wiped my own tears away, my heart was heavy when I got up and took baby P with me, running into Kirk in the atrium.
"You may want to see this before it gets out." He said bitterly, pressing play on a video displayed on his cellphone and mumbling under his breath as my eyebrows creased and my breath hitched as I watched old video camera footage dated 1996.
Mya was sitting on the floor with a belt wrapped around her upper arm and an unreadable expression on her face as she slowly inched a syringe towards her skin, slipping in and out of consciousness as the needle went in, but wouldn't push the illegal substance into her bloodstream. "Let me do it, why do I have to do everything?" A voice asked in an annoyed tone as he bent down and flicked her arm before reinserting the needle into her vein and groaning when she started to slip sideways. "Hey man, hold her up. She's such a lightweight," He mumbled, pushing the plunger of the syringe down and ignoring the groan that left her lips seconds later.
The video then flashed to a scene I wasn't expecting and I felt sick to my stomach, unable to look away even though I desperately wanted to.
Holding a pipe up to her lips and lighting the end until it made a bubbling sound, Mya took a breath and threw her head back in satisfaction, blowing smoke out of her mouth and mumbling something under her breath, slurring her words as her body flushed with the rush. In the background was Paisley Park and for a split second, she stared at the gate as she continued to smoke whatever was in the pipe before the person behind the camera pulled her on her feet. "I think God is punishing me and sometimes, I wish he'd put me out of my misery," She mumbled.
"What would your ex say about the way you are now? You think he'd be disappointed?" A voice I recognized as John asked her. She had open sores all over her face and was so thin I barely recognized her. She could barely form a response as she glanced at the gate one last time with tears in her eyes. "Oh, he'd never speak to me again if he knew. He'd be so damn disappointed. You have no idea. I miss him. I just want to tell him everything. I want to tell him how deeply sorry I am..for everything and I pray every day that he'll forgive me someday."
-
Standing under the shower with Mya in my grip, the video footage I watched earlier in the day vanished from my mind the second I saw her admiring the flowers on the nightstand. We laid in bed for awhile and all of a sudden, I fell more in love with her. Her past didn't matter to me. We all had one. What mattered to me was her recovery, and trying to make her see how good of a mom she already was, even though she couldn't see it for herself. Baby P adored her and it was breaking my heart that she wouldn't pay him any attention. He was in a swing on the floor, staring right at her, very content. She was looking at the shower wall, not daring to look at him.
"Look at me mama," I whispered gently, keeping my grip so she wouldn't fall sideways as her eyes met mine fully for the first time in a day and a half. She looked heartbroken, but the shame in her eyes is what really made me realize that she was hanging on by a thread and not much else. Sighing, I turned the water off and grabbed two towels before I lifted Mya off the ground and put her body against the sink, laughing softly at baby P, who was still staring, blinking every now and then. "Hi buddy, are you liking all your new surroundings?" I asked, rocking the bouncer slightly with my foot as he blinked and made suckling noises when his feeding pump beeped to let me know it was empty.
Since I wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon, I changed into silk pajama pants and stood back as I watched Mya attempt to put on a shirt that could pass as a dress and underwear on her own, giving up a few minutes later.
Taking the pieces of clothing out of her right hand, I kissed her cheek reassuringly and slowly slid the shirt over her head before I squatted down and tapped her right leg with my finger. "Lift," She had to put weight on her left leg in order to lift the other and I peered up at her face to see a concentrated expression appear. She was trying. I waited patiently until she was finally able to lift her leg like I asked, and a wide smile appeared on my face as I lifted the other one myself to keep her from having to work extra hard. "You want to know something really important?" I asked, turning Mya to the side so we'd both be looking at our reflection in the mirror, waiting before I said anything else.
Mya looked at me curiously and tried to curve her lips. Instead of bringing attention to her deficits that seemed to keep getting worse, I put my head on her shoulder and took a breath. "I met this shy young woman in 1986 who changed my life. She had the most captivating eyes, a contagious smile, and a nasty habit that she couldn't kick until I got her this weird, disgusting gum that she chewed like candy." Her head bowed, but she squeezed my hand. I kissed her shoulder, continuing. "We had a whirlwind romance. She was the shyest woman I had ever been with, so inexperienced yet so eager. She even asked me to give her lessons. We had this little rondayvoo in the city of love. I could be myself..and that's something I've never properly thanked her for." I said, glancing back at baby P, who had tired himself out and was asleep.
Mya had tears in her eyes as she turned around to face me with her body pressed to mine, her bottom lip was shaking and she looked confused. My heart dropped when I heard the soft tone in her voice, and I had to hold myself together when she asked me who I was talking about, even though her slur and stutter caused me to have a hard time understanding her, I wiped her tears and smiled. "W..who..w..was that?" She asked me.
I tilted my head, and bit my lip as she stared at my face, wiping the tears that I didn't know had fallen down my cheeks when I realized she had no earthly idea that she was the one I was talking about. "That was me and you, beautiful." Nodding, Mya seemed embarrassed by her question and knew she had hurt my feelings because she was trying to make me feel better by embracing my body with one arm and whispered something in my ear that I had been longing to hear for days. "I..I love y..you," She looked at me with a sad expression on her face just as I placed her feet on top of mine, walking backwards to the bed to try and 'wake up' the left side of her brain, the side that was causing her to regress instead of get better, the side that was causing her memory to vanish, to forget our time together.
"I know," I said, slowly pulling the duvet back and kissing her cheek softly as I saw her eyes go to the baby on the floor. "I love you too my love, always." I squeezed her hand and got up to take baby P out of his bouncer, gently cradling his body when I walked back over to Mya, who was watching my every move.
"I have to refill his formula, would you like to hold him while I do that? He's missed you. He looks for you everywhere." It was the truth. Every time he hears a voice, his head tries to turn towards the sound, eyes wide and excited, until he sees it isn't who he wants. Mya nodded slowly and held her breath when I placed him on her chest and watched him grip her finger in his sleep as his body took the same position as hers, the one that displayed pain. Her right hand rubbed his back and I preoccupied myself with refilling his feeding bag and making sure the pump was on the right settings before I zipped the backpack and got up.
When I looked at them, Mya was on her side sound asleep and the baby she didn't want to be a mother to was asleep right beside her, his body no longer tense as Mya's fingers continued to rub his stomach subconsciously, her motherly instincts were very present, even in her condition. I quietly moved him to the bassinet on my side of the bed, covering him with the same blanket from earlier before I placed the same trash can by Mya's head and climbed into bed. "Thank you," I mumbled against her skin, drifting off to sleep with Mya's body in front of me, her legs entangled in mine, and hope in my heart that she'd remember me tomorrow.
-
"I don't know if I can do this," Mya mumbled, looking at herself in the mirror as an unknown man stood beside her and moved her hair to expose her neck, a needle was being prepared on the sink as panic started to take over her features. Shaking her head, Mya rubbed white powder on her gums and turned her head to the side, ignoring the voices in the background as the needle pierced the biggest vein in her neck and she mumbled a song until the needle was removed and her head dropped, staying there until she asked a question that everyone in the room ignored. "Is it supposed to burn like t..this?" The sweat started to pour and the man in the frame rolled his eyes and nodded towards the door.
"You wanted this Johnson, you deal with the consequences. That's what happens when you put drugs right in your bloodstream. You want to feel this way? Don't inject. Otherwise, suck it up." The cameraman started to leave and Mya's cries of pain went unheard as the sound of her body hitting the floor shortly after was laughed at and discussions were still had as if nothing ever happened. The last thing that was heard before the camera was cut was an unidentified person's voice in the bathroom, addressing Mya as he rummaged through the cabinet under the sink. "Hey Malcom, where's the Narcan?"
"I'm going to let you go now, okay? Slow and steady. Your significant other is right there." Mya's PT therapist said softly the next morning as I stood a few steps away with an encouraging expression on my face and raised eyebrows. I had been up for a few hours working on new music and catching up on emails and inquiries about charity events and was excited about what was to come. Baby P was with Brian while I was in Studio A with Mya and her therapist. She was looking at me with a glint in her eye, and I watched her right leg move first, slowly followed with her left, which was dragging behind pretty significantly. She was determined to get to me and I laughed when I watched her stare me down. Mya's still in there. It was taking her a while because she kept having to stop and think about what to do and got frustrated very easily. When this happened, I would wait for the therapist to look away and when she did, I would point to my feet and demonstrate for Mya, immediately stopping when the therapist would look my way.
When Mya's toe touched the front of my shoe, a wide smile immediately appeared on my face and the therapist shook her head shyly as I picked up Mya's body and whispered how proud I was in her ear as she buried her head in my neck. "I love you, my love." I mumbled, realizing we were both standing there crying when I heard Brian at the door, telling baby P that I was crying because I was happy. "I'm so proud of you."
Walking future into the room, Brian agreed just as I put Mya on her feet. He was bouncing baby P around in an excited manner and whispered praise for Mya in his ear. "She did so good huh? What do you say?" Brian said softly, hugging Mya tightly before pulling away and gesturing towards the baby in his arms. "This little guy is telling you with his eyes that he's proud of you too.." She wouldn't look at him, and his eyes were so wide with excitement that I was afraid he was going to hurt himself. The therapist had left and my heart was breaking as he continued to stare, practically begging for her affection.
Handing baby P to me, Brian picked Mya up and carried her over to the couch before he kneeled in front of her body. "He loves you sweetheart." He said, watching her shake her head and deny the obvious. "I...I d..don't..l..love h..him..back.." She whispered as her bottom lip shook. Brian looked at me and pointed to the couch. I sat down with baby P's eyelashes continuously touching my hand and when Brian took a deep breath, looking at Mya's heartbroken expression, I closed my eyes.
"Yes you do. The only reason you're ignoring him is because you do love him and you've bonded with him. He feels safe with you, Mya. You think in your head that if you ignore him, that love and bond will go away. I sat upstairs and watched you sob uncontrollably after you signed away your rights to not only that one right there, but to your own child. It's ripping your heart out." Brian mumbled, clearing his throat. "But you know what? No matter how much you ignore him, don't give him attention, he's still going to be excited to see you, he's still going to want to be near you, he's still going to want you to hold him and talk to him. Do you know why?" He asked, watching her look at him with the saddest look on her face.
"Because to him you're his mother, Mya. You're the one who held him when he was hurting, you talked to him after nurses and doctors poked him all day, you've been there to soothe him. He adores you and he looks to you as his mommy, Mya, and you're such a natural, it breaks my heart to see you ignore him, to sign your rights away. I can't think of any other woman who deserves this more than you do, sweetheart. You are not unfit, I don't care what anyone wants to sit and tell you. I know your heart. I've seen you with him. And another thing, look at me when I say this because I want you to understand what I'm going to say to the fullest extent possible." I looked at him curiously, so did Mya before he spoke.
"I know you may not remember, but deep down, somewhere, it's in there. The miscarriage that happened when you were 21 was not your fault and when you get stronger and better, I need you to let it go. I need you to realize that you couldn't stop it, but that does not make you a bad mother. It doesn't make you unworthy, it makes the timing off. Some of my fondest memories include us going to the NICU and hanging out with babies like baby P. You used to tell me it gave you purpose while your life was falling apart. You have purpose now, Mya. And based off the look you're giving me, you have no idea what I'm talking about, but in due time, I hope you will. P, tell her how much that baby in your arms loves her please."
Smiling, Mya played with my hand as I kissed her cheek and licked my lips to try and control my heart. "When he hears people talking, he tries so hard to turn his head towards the sound. His eyes, they get so wide and excited until he realizes it's not you. He feels secure with you and when you're sick and get out of his sight, he cries and cries until he can see you again. You calm him, you've become his mother and such a good one that every time I see you with him, I get teary eyed because I know you can't see it. He loves you so much, and if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that not only are you already an incredible mother to him, but you will an incredible mother to our child. I have no doubt about it. I love you," I said softly, kissing her lips and sighing when she laid her head on my shoulder, still not acknowledging baby P's presence physically until I saw him grip her finger that she laid beside his hand. In that moment, I vowed to help her see what I saw, no matter what.
-
Chapter seventeen of "TIME" is here and I love how it turned out.😭💜
Until next time...
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