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FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1960
Five months felt like forever when you were sixteen years old and head-over-heels in love for the very first time. Every month that Paul and Alexandria made it through together had been a celebration—until today. They were still feeling the repercussions of George kissing Alexandria an entire month later. Some days were great, but some days Paul would find something that reminded him of the godawful image of Alexandria kissing George, and suddenly it was awkward. In general, Alexandria thought that they were doing an exceptionally good job at moving past the entire situation.
But Paul still felt quite shaken by the whole thing. He still worried whenever Alexandria and George were together. He still wondered what thoughts George had of her. He was still insecure whenever he thought about them. George had known her for so long. How do you just get past that?
He put on a smile, though, and he pretended that everything was all right because he didn't want Alexandria to know that he was having something so close to doubts about his decision to move past the kiss. Part of Alexandria could also sense that something was changing between them, and that made her feel all panicky. She scrambled to try and keep their relationship afloat. She felt like she was trying to save a drowning child but struggling to keep her own head above water. Either this child—a metaphor for her relationship with Paul—was going to drown, or she—a metaphor for nothing—was going to die. Either way, the outcome wasn't great.
Today was their five month anniversary and they were celebrating the occasion by going out for food after school. Alexandria had been looking forward to the day...until she realized that it also marked a month since their argument over George. No wonder she couldn't remember what they had done for their last anniversary. It was an event that she was trying to ignore.
Something had sparked in Alexandria, and she had been able to start work on she and Paul's mock biography together. In short, her chracters had undergone a fight as well. Maybe it hadn't been over such a big thing as Paul and Alexandria's had been over, but it was enough to spark an argument either way.
Alexandria had zoned out in her history class yet again. She wrote in a notebook in front of her, feeling a bit nervous about her impending date with Paul. She always had a bit of butterfly-like nerves when she had plans with Paul, but never like this. Over the past month, while the two of them tried to pretend like nothing had happened between them, she could feel a wedge building up between them. She could feel Paul trying to move away from her, whether he realized it or not. A void was opening up between them, and she had no idea how to repair it. Her subconscious was telling her to take it to Paul and actually talk through it, but she also thought about how that could completely wreck what little they still had left of a relationship, so she was torn.
Once the school bell rang, Alexandria practically ran out of the school building and to the bus station. Paul and George had agreed to meet for a little while after school, so she was on her own today, and for the first time, she was actually happy about it. She needed time to think, time to get ready for this date, and time to talk to Kathleen. She'd kept the bulk of her problems with Paul away from her opinionated older sister. However, she was in desperate need of advice now, and Kathleen seemed like the perfect candidate to get this advice from.
Alexandria leaned her head against the window as the bus rattled down the road. Her mind raced at a million miles a minute and her nerves mixed with the rocking of the bus were making her a tad queasy. It felt like her stop couldn't come any sooner, and when it did, she was practically running to get off the bus. She hugged her pea coat around her a little closer and rushed back to the house.
"Kath?" Alexandria asked as she sat her bag by the front door and fiddled her thumbs anxiously. "Kath, I really need to talk to you!"
Kathleen appeared at the top of the stairs, Wesley laying his head on her shoulder. "What?" Kathleen asked, sounding tired. "Wes is sick, Alex. I really need to be looking after him."
Alexandria bit her lip and looked around the room. How important was her conversation? Did she really need to burden her sister with it?
"Alex? Are you going to speak or not?" Kathleen asked, patting Wesley's back impatiently.
"I—." Alexandria began, but Wesley interrupted her by letting out a strained cry. She closed her mouth again and shook her head. "It's not important," she muttered, moving away. She went toward the kitchen, wrapping her arms around herself. She wasn't sure why she chose the kitchen to seek refuge. She really just wanted to be alone. She wanted to curl up into a ball and just cry until she vomited. She wanted her head to stop spinning and she wanted her stomach to stop churning. She felt sick as Wesley right now. She reached up and brushed her hair behind her ear, dragging a hand across her forehead in the process. Her hands shook and she felt tears well up in her eyes, tears of complete frustration. She wasn't sure what in the world was wrong with her! She was bloody hysterical!
She stood in the kitchen, walking around in a tight circle as she tried to decipher the thousands of words in her brain. She felt like she was completely losing her mind. Her breathing sped up and she placed her hands on the counter. It felt like her entire world was just spiraling out of control. She was worried about his date. She was worried about the future of her and Paul's relationship. She was
"Alex?"
Alexandria's eyes went wide and she turned around to see Kathleen standing in the doorway to the kitchen behind her, concern etched into her eyes. "W-where's Wes?" she asked. "Don't you need to be lookin' after him or somethin'?" Alexandria wiped furiously at the tears on her cheeks. She wasn't sure where this sudden breakdown had come from, and she wasn't sure how she was supposed to stop it.
"I got him to sleep," Kathleen responded, her legs moving quickly as she got closer to her sister. Alexandria covered her face with her hands, feeling embarrassed at the way she was acting right now. She was crying and she didn't even know why! "Alex, what's the matter?"
"George kissed me when I didn't want him to, and Paul wasn't mad, but I didn't tell him fast enough; and now I feel like everything is falling apart, and I love what we have and I'm scared to lose it because I've given so much to him, and I'm gonna feel like a complete idiot if it was all for nothing!" Alexandria said in a rush. "I mean, just think of all the stuff I did with him...what if it was all for nothing? What if it didn't even mean anything to him in the first place? What if he w-was just using me and now that he's got an excuse to throw me aside, he's going to just take it?" Alexandria's words came in broken pieces and she heaved breaths in between each fragment. I'm s-scared of being without him. I need him, Kath. I don't want it to end."
Kathleen wrapped her arms around Alexandria sympathetically. "Oh, Alex," she said.
"N-not to mention, today is our five month anniversary, we're going on a date, and I'm dreading it. I mean, what if—?" Alexandria gave you trying to speak, instead just letting out a pitiful sob. "I don't know why I'm crying, Kath, I'm sorry."
"Paul's not using you for anything, Alex," Kathleen said. "I can tell he really cares about you."
Alexandria pulled away and moved her hands away from her eyes so that she could make eye contact with her sister. "How do you know that?" she asked.
"I've seen the way he bloody looks at you, Alex."
"That doesn't mean anything! He's distancing himself, Kath. He's t-trying to leave me behind. I just know it. He said he wanted to move past the kids because it didn't mean anything to me, but I can tell that he's still upset about it, so why did he say that? Why didn't he just tell me that?"
"Well, why don't you ask him? I can't give you the answer, Alex," Kathleen said. "You should know that."
"I know, I know, but I wanted today to be good because it's our anniversary, and now I've put this bloody conservation at bay for so long...he's going to be mad when he does find out about it. I've messed up again. I can't do anything right. Maybe I wasn't even ready for this." Alexandria turned away from her sister, wrapped her arms around herself again. She felt so humiliated by all of this that she didn't even want to look at anyone. She didn't want anyone to see her, and she didn't want to see anyone either. She just wanted to pick herself in a dark room and disappear forever. "Maybe we should just break up."
"Hell, Alex, don't say that." Kathleen placed a hand on Alexandria's shoulder.
"Am I supposed to be this upset over him?" Alexandria asked. "If we're still dating, am I supposed to be this upset? Because I am freaking out!"
"Alex, I think you may need to talk to Paul about this. It seems like it's really bugging you, and if it concerns him, then he definitely has a right to know."
Alexandria groaned, wiping furiously at the tears on her cheeks. "He's gonna hate me, Kath. He's gonna think that I'm calling him a liar and he's going to leave me. I've given everything to him, I can't lose him." Alexandria turned around, her face red as a tomato. "I even gave him my bloody virginity, Kath. I can't take that back."
Kathleen nodded. "Yeah, you're right about that. Look, you're always going to do things in life that you maybe won't be too fond of in the future. You just have to learn to live with it. And look, even if things do go south between you and Paul—."
Alexandria sniffled and rolled her eyes. "What? I'll still have George to run off into the sunset with?"
"No, I didn't say that," Kathleen said. "What I meant to say was that Paul's a great guy. He's treated you so well, and he's the first person you've loved. One day, when the hurting's over, you'll look back on these days and remember them quite fondly." Kathleen smiled, and despite all odds, Alexandria managed to smile too. She reached forward and hugged her sister. "Thanks, Kath," she said. "Will you help me get ready for my date?" She paused as she pulled away. "I suppose I've got to talk to him."
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Paul swore on his life that Alexandria looked good in every single thing she wore. She could have wrapped herself in garbage bags and duct tape, and she would still take his breath away. He smiled as he opened his front door and saw her perched on the stoop outside. She was dressed in a lovely white dress that fell to her knees, and her legs were covered by a pair of tights. Her hair was tied up in a wavy ponytail, and he could tell that she had a little bit of makeup on too. It was so hard to be angry about the situation with George when she looked so gorgeous standing out on his porch.
"I'm almost ready," he said. "Come on in, it's cold out there."
Alexandria smiled at him and stepped into the McCartney house. She had undeniable nerves bubbling in her stomach, and her heart beat abnormally fast, though she wasn't sure if it was from these nerves or because Paul was looking at her with that twinkle in his eyes, the twinkle that's as reserved only for her. "It's...a little chilly, yeah," Alexandria said, trying to spark up a conversation.
Paul chuckled and he leaned down to place a peck on her cheek. As he pulled away, he said, "You're beautiful."
"Thank you," Alexandria replied, her cheeks filling with heat. She loved this. Was she really about to mess it up? She didn't let her worry about the problem at hand. She just reached up and fiddled with his hair. "It's all droopy. Maybe you should get some hair gel in it...or maybe just cut it." She grinned teasingly.
"I'm sorry, but when did I ask for your opinion?" Paul asked, raising an eyebrow with a cheeky smirk.
Alexandria smiled softly, breaking eye contact and looking toward the McCartneys' fireplace where a fire was roaring behind the front wiring. "Hurry up and fluff that hair of yours," Alexandria teased. "I'm ready for our date!"
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The diner Paul had chosen was cozy and cute. Alexandria sipped on a strawberry milkshake as the two stared at each other's eyes like the couples would always do in films. For all they knew, they'd be slurping on the same spaghetti noodle by the end of this date.
The ride over here had been nice. Paul had driven the two of them in his dad's car since he had just recently gotten his license, and they'd listened to the radio and talked the entire way. Paul was acting completely normal today. But Alexandria still wanted to talk to him. She needed to because even though he was happy today, she feared that tomorrow, all that happiness would be gone. His happiness seemed to come in waves these days.
Alexandria took a deep breath and looked around at the diner, suddenly avoiding Paul's eyes. Paul frowned when he lost sight of Alexandria's beautiful blue eyes. His eyes followed hers to try and find out what was distracting her, but she wasn't looking at anything. Her eyes were merely stuck to an empty table in the corner.
"Something wrong, Alex?" Paul asked her rather anxiously. She seemed a little spacey recently and he worried that she was catching onto his anger toward the event that they had agreed to just "move past". It was impossible for Paul to just move past something like that. It just wasn't a part of his personality. We all had a bit of ugly in ourselves, and for every one of the Beatles, that ugly was their jealousy.
Alexandria eyes blinked, and suddenly, they were on Paul's again. Her heart melted and her hands began to tremble again. She really didn't want to do this.
"Alex?" Paul asked. The smile on his face flickered, then disappeared, and suddenly, the atmosphere was completely different.
"I've gotta ask ye somethin', Paul," Alexandria said. "And I need you to be honest about it, all right?"
Paul nodded. He reached forward and took her hands into his. "Why're yer hands shaking? Is something wrong?"
"Well, I don't know. That's kind of what I needed to ask..." Alexandria's voice trailed off. Her cheeks turned red, and she didn't know how to follow up the sentence. "I just feel like something is different now, and I'm wondering...are you still mad at me, or are you just...I don't know. I need you to tell me what's wrong because I am sort of freaking out about it."
Paul was quiet for a long while. There was a battle in his head. On one side, there was a voice telling him to just tell her the truth, and on the other side, there was a voice telling him to lie. It would be so much easier to lie, he thought. But, would that put Alexandria's mind at ease? Would that calm the nerves that she so clearly possessed? He looked into her eyes, and he knew exactly what he needed to do.
"It's just weird thinking about how George has kissed ye. Makes me livid, Alex. I'm sorry."
Alexandria's eyes glazed over in dread, and she looked down at the table to avoid Paul's eyes. "Is that all?" she asked.
"How long have you felt like something was different?" Paul asked her.
"You're gonna do this again?" Alexandria asked, her brows furrowing.
"Do what?"
"Reprimand me for not asking you this right when I felt everything change? Needed to think it over before I even brought it up because what if there wasn't anything wrong and a simple observation could have told me that? It wasn't worth getting you worked up if it was nothing...but I've done enough observing, and I've come to the conclusion that it isn't nothing." Alexandria crossed her arms. "So, please don't get mad at me for waiting at least a little while before I brought this up."
Paul ran a hand back through his hair. "Alex, I don't think you understand that I won't be pissed if you ask me something, unless you wait weeks to even mention it!"
Alexandria gulped and bit her lip. She was seconds from bloody crying again, and that was the absolute last thing that she needed right now. Hell, Paul would probably yell at her for that too. "But, if you weren't past this thing, don't you think it would have been a wiser decision to just tell me that?" Alex asked. "Why'd you make me think that everything was good when it wasn't? That's lying, Paul."
Paul stared at her in silence. He hated that she had a bloody point.
"I'm worried that this is my fault, Paul," Alexandria admitted, and to her utter frustration, tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm worried that I'm too ruddy immature to be in a relationship, but now we're here, and I've been so happy over the past five months." She looked up and caught his eyes. "I'm scared of it all going away. I'm scared to go on without this happiness because I love you and I'm so happy...like, dangerously happy."
Paul sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as his breath pushed through his lips. "Bloody hell, Alex," he mumbled.
Alexandria wiggled her hands out of his and folded them in her lap. They shook uncontrollably, and all in fear. She was terrified. "Don't wanna be crying right now, I'll have you know," Alexandria mumbled. She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Makes me feel completely ridiculous."
"Oh hell, stop with the tears, Alex," Paul said with a sigh. He pushed against the table and the legs of his chair moved backward. Going over to Alexandria, he got down on her level and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, all right? I can't help how I feel."
"But, why didn't you tell me?" she asked. "You should have just told me."
"I didn't think you'd worry this much about it," he whispered, and even he could hear how damn ridiculous that sounded. What an awful reason to lie to someone. "I didn't want you to worry this much."
"I would have worried less if you'd just told me the ruddy truth, Paul. I don't really fancy being lied to," Alexandria replied, her tone growing quite enraged as she scooted away from him.
"Well, now I know that," Paul responded, sighing deeply. "I'm sorry, Alex."
"I shouldn't have brought this up today," Alexandria said finally. "We were supposed to be having a good time and I've just ruined it all. I'm sorry, Paul."
Alexandria lifted her head and looked at Paul. For a moment, neither of them spoke. They just looked at one another. When had things gotten so bad between them? When had this conversation even become necessary? Things had just gotten a lot more complicated.
"Do you still wanna be with me, Paul?"
Silence.
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Two more chapters!