This week sucked. I went to my internship feeling guilty and I felt like Courtney told Dr. Lewis even though she promised not to.
She didn't, thank God, but it still was horrible. I missed the comfort of Marcus. I missed his voice. I missed his eyes, his smile. His mind, ideas, dreams. I missed everything about him.
He was an even bigger part of my life than I knew before. You don't realize how much you truly adore someone until they are out of your life potentially forever. He was so much more to me than just a guy. He was the guy. He was my guy.
And I love him.
~~~
Other than Marcus being out of my life, nothing big happened. I talked to patients, Dr. Lewis, Lindsay the receptionist. I isolated myself from everything honestly. I stayed in my hotel room if I wasn't in the office, reading or just sitting there. I hated this. Being alone I could handle. But this unfortunate feeling of knowing that I lost the one guy I am totally and completely in love with left me conflicted and more unhappy than I ever was before.
~~~
I'm leaving London in less than a week. All I hope is that this will all subside by then and I get over Marcus, because if I can't be with him ever, then why keep thinking about it?
I'm beginning to wrap up my sessions with my patients and I'm beginning to receive many job offers who would like to consider me. They are from all over the place. America as well as England and Ireland. Dr. Lewis was a fabulous mentor and she did give me an amazing review. I'm glad we crossed paths in my career.
Since there's only a few days left here, Dr. Lewis decided to have a conversation with me. Not a usual, friendly one. But one more personal about my career and whatnot. Or at least that's what I assume.
"Ali, you are one of the greatest interns I ever had the pleasure of meeting. Others have big shoes to fill," Dr. Lewis smiled.
I couldn't help but smile back. "Thank you, that really does mean so much. You were a great mentor to me."
"Thank you. But other than this, I would like to discuss something else with you today."
"That being?"
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I have noticed that you have been a bit more distant lately."
I stayed silent.
She continued. "It didn't affect your work and you are still doing well, but you shouldn't do this. Keep your emotions bottled up, I mean."
I glanced at her.
"Is it about a relationship?" she asked.
I nodded yes.
"With a certain patient?"
I nodded again, slowly.
"Maybe one that left recently?"
At that point I looked directly into her eyes. I expected anger. Clearly Courtney told her. What a bitch. Why would she do this to me?
But all I saw in Dr. Lewis' eyes were trust and understanding. I was confused.
"I take your worrisome look as a yes," she said, smiling to comfort me. I smiled back faintly and blushed a bit. "So how long have you and Marcus been seeing each other?"
"Well we more so SAW each other. We aren't going out anymore."
"Why not?"
I looked at her with confusion. Why would I still be going out with Marcus? She knows the rules.
She looked back and explained to me, "Ali. Can I tell you something? Just between you and me."
I nodded, intrigued.
"I met my husbend while I was in your position. He was a patient, I was a doctor. We became close. Very close. Soon enough we were secretly dating, casually, but it still had to be a secret for obvious reasons. Eventually, we didn't want to hide it anymore. He stopped therapy sessions, and we continued on with our relationship publicly. I was still worried about how that would look, but at that point, it didn't matter anymore. He was no longer my patient, and nobody truly cared about who I was in a relationship with. It was my life."
"No one questioned you?"
"Only the people who disliked me," she replied. "But they didn't matter. Ali, some advice that seems cheesy but it one of the truest things I found out? You can't help who you fall in love with. And that will remain true until the very end of time."
"So what are you saying? There must be some point to this lesson."
"I'm not saying anything specific, except for the fact that you and Marcus would be a good pair."
I blushed, my face as red as an apple.
"I could see it since the beginning. The look between you two. It was adorable. Usually people never get to witness a true love at first sight- but I saw it immediately when you two laid your eyes on each other," she looked at me warmly. "I was so happy to not break it off with James. And look at us now- we're married. I was never happier in my life. So I think that you shouldn't end it. Not yet. Get a good excuse to before you actually do." She stood and I did as well.
"Thank you, Dr. Lewis-"
"Amy. Call me Amy."
"Alright, Amy," I smiled.
"And if you never need anything, I'm always here for you to call. Doesn't matter about the time difference. Call whenever you need to sort out any of your thoughts, or to just talk."
"That really does mean a lot."
"I'm glad. It was a pleasure working with you, Ali."
"You too."
"And don't forget about what I said..."
"I know, but..."
"But what?"
"It's too late."
"Honey, it's never-"
"No, I'm afraid it is. I was playing with Marcus' heart. It was wrong of me to do that to him. I caused him enough pain."
"If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. I can't change that. So when is your flight?"
"Tomorrow morning at ten. I have to get up so early to get through security and everything."
"But I hope the trip would be worth it."
"Of course it would. I met you, didn't I?"
She laughed, "Well I'm glad my special appearance made the trip so fabulous. Have a nice flight."
"Thanks again. For everything."
"No problem," she smiled. We hugged, said our last good-byes, and I was on my way to my hotel room to finish packing and prepare for tomorrow.
~~~
Drew came to my hotel to keep me company and to hang out before I leave in the morning. He really was one of my best friends.
"So are you excited to go back to America?"
"Eh, I guess. I think I'll kind of miss it here, though."
"Yeah. Because you are abandoning me."
"Oh, don't say that Drew, you'll make me cry."
"I cried before I came, actually. I can't comprehend that you are actually leaving me," he joked, playing serious.
"No way, I cried on the train ride here," I said, joking back to him.
"WHOA BRO. We have so much in common," he said. "We might actually be related."
"Oh, so to make things worse, I am leaving my brother?"
"Yes, yes you are. You asshole."
I couldn't help but laugh so hard at him. The way he said it was hilarious. I think I'll miss him a lot. He really is a great friend.
"I really will miss you, Drew."
"Okay, okay, don't get all sappy on me here."
"Aw, but I can't help it."
"Hey, stop it now-" and then I hugged him. He hugged back, squeezed me tight for a moment, and then we released each other.
"I'll miss you too," he said after a moment.
I smiled at him, a pang of sadness inside of me. We'll definitely keep in contact. He's too great of a friend, how could I not?
He left around nine, us hugging one last time before I leave.
I changed into sweatpants and a tee shirt and slid into the comfy, plush clean white bed. One last night here.
I stayed up a bit late, remembering the events of the past month. It was an amazing experience. I'm going to miss it here. I'm going to miss my friends here. Dr. Lewis and Lindsay. Everything.
And one other thing. My companion. My love. My dream. Marcus.