"-I shouldn't even be in any trouble!" Darling yelled as she was dragged out of the office after attempting to throw herself at Luke by Morgan who hoisted her up onto his shoulder, "put me down!"
"Be quiet" Morgan shook his head with frustration to his voice that she didn't understand as he took her to Garcia's empty office on the other side of the 6th floor and placed her down before he shut the door with a sigh, back to her still.
"What the hell happened in there?!" Darling felt the fire burning in her skin behind her tears as she sort comfort in the anger she hoped he would share with her over what happened, "did you hear what they were saying?! How can they believe that-"
"Why did you lie to me about your meds?" Morgan interrupted, turning to her from the door with an expression on his face that confused her.
"I didn't?"
"You told me that you stopped taking them and-"
"I did stop taking them."
"So you're back on them?"
"No I'm not- what does that have to do with any of this-"
"Because you lied to me Darling" he shook his head before sighing, "I'm not mad, I don't care if you went back on your meds or not- just don't lie to me about this, just tell me the truth."
"I am telling you the truth" she folded her arms, "do you not believe me or something?"
"Well I don't know anymore, clearly you've been lying to me about a lot" he mumbled.
"Excuse me?"
"What was your 'secret mission?" He turned fully to her.
"Really? Now is not the time for-"
"No now is the time" he marched over to her, "what have you been hiding from me?"
"Derek our friends are out there listening to a man who tried to kill us both spout lies about me and you want me to sit here and talk-"
"Yes!" His sudden yelling made her step back slightly with startlement, "for once Darling I want you to talk!"
"I-I always talk-"
"Yes but you never say anything" he argued, "I have to force you to open up even in the slightest to me even after all of these years and that's fine, it's fine! I don't mind helping you with that but then you can't keep secrets from me like the fact that you apparently were away from your job you never even told me about in the first place for three years?!"
"I was on an assignment" she mumbled an attempted explanation.
"You see that right there isn't good enough" he shook his head, unsure where this frustration and anger was coming from but it kept spewing out, "give me a real explanation."
"It has nothing to do with-"
"Just tell me!"
He felt his anger flicker for a moment when he saw the fear on her face and her jump slightly from his voice- but not just someone yelling or someone being angry like she used to react to before, this time it was from him, this time she was afraid of his yelling.
"I-I don't like when you yell at me" she stepped back and spoke quietly, "please don't yell at me when you're angry."
Morgan let out a sigh and lowered his voice, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry- I just... please, just tell me Darling- just explain to me for once- let me trust you without having to question what you're keeping from me."
She stared at him for a moment with a dagger of betrayal in her heart, wanting to scream at him, to throw whatever she could find and yell that it was unfair that he couldn't just trust her like she trusted him, that she had to prove herself even to him.
But she felt a need to keep him there, to apologise and to make his want to yell at her disappear from him- a need she hated felt so familiar from her past, a need that came from even the slightest hint of fear, a need she had never felt with Morgan before.
"T-transferring here was apart of the mission" she began quietly, hating that she gave into that need she vowed she would never do again for a man, "they needed me here, the Whitehouse were working with the CIA and they needed information about an international issue that they couldn't quite get with asking a favour from the FBI so they needed someone no one would think was trying to get intel... someone like the receptionist for the Whitehouse gift shop."
Morgan tilted his head, "you were really just a receptionist?"
She nodded, still looking at the ground, "I needed extra cash and to get away from Jacob so I moved to Washington, worked at a couple of bars at night and then got a day job there. Then they approached me about this big job promotion, found out everything about me and basically blackmailed me with sending Tobias to prison for his drug charges if I didn't help. They 'trained' me by sending me out to different secret service and CIA missions, hence the missing for three years at my Whitehouse job, and then they transferred me here when I was trained up and earned their trust and get the skills they needed me to have..." she looked up at him finally, "kinda makes the whole 'dumb Darling actually works for the CIA' reveal seem a little lacklustre now doesn't it?"
"I... I don't understand" he shook his head, "why did they send you here?"
Darling let out a sigh, hating that she had to reveal this part, "they needed someone to get close to the team, a team I really didn't know you were on by the way, and get close to Hotch specifically... to find out some information about an old agent that used to work with him and you guys for a bit."
Morgan tilted his head at her, pausing at the infliction of 'close' that hit him like a truck with a realisation.
"Wait, wait, wait- so you had to seduce Hotch?" He scoffed, "what the hell Darling?!"
"It wasn't exactly my choice now was it" she folded her arms, "it was the orders- I hated them and felt sick to my stomach especially when I got here and it turned out it was your unit but I-"
"Oh my god" Morgan stepped back, "you slept with him?!"
"What?! Ew! Ew no of course not!" Darling exclaimed in genuine disgust and shock that he would suggest that she would do that.
"Then what happened?" He demanded.
"He figured it out and called me out on it before I could even try anything they told me to do, he's a damn good profiler I'll give him that" she shook her head, "I wanted to call it off immediately when you walked into his office, when I saw it was your team but they wouldn't let me, they threatened me with Tobias again and the things they had made me do in that 'training' so I couldn't and they made me change the plan and-"
Darling shook her head and Morgan was hit with a sudden painful realisation that made him step back from her as things connected in his head.
A timeline appearing.
Darling arriving.
Hotch figuring out her plan and ruining it.
Darling having to switch up the plan.
Darling confessing her feelings for Morgan...
"Oh... oh right so this was that then? This was their compromise for your 'plan.'"
"What was? What's 'this'?" Darling quizzed before seeing him gesturing between them and eyes widening with disbelief at what he thought.
"What?! Oh my god no! No of course not Derek-"
"Don't lie to me again" he shook his head with defeat, "I was just the back up for the mission- wasn't I? The idiot who wouldn't figure out your plan like Hotch had; 'go make the stupid FBI agent who's been in love with you for years give you anything you want by pretending to love him back' right? Too stupid to notice what was really going on-"
"No!" She yelled desperately, "it's nothing like that at all! How could you think that?"
"I was so fucking stupid..." He shook his head with a anger and heartbreak in his chest, tears coming to both of their eyes.
"No you weren't- all that happened was they denied me stopping the mission and that Hotch decided he would help me by pretending it was still going for my reports to them, going on those night missions with me like the assignment wanted me to get him to do to prove he was 'falling in love' enough to let down his guard- that was all! We just pretended to them that he didn't find out about it immediately, so that I didn't have to go back and they'd send someone else! I would never do that to you, I would never use you like that- how could you think that? How could you think I would do that to you?!"
"It makes sense" Morgan argued, although he knew deep behind his anger that it truly didn't make sense if he thought about it.
"It makes no damn sense! You know me, you know I would never do that to you-"
"I'm not too sure I do know you anymore" he shook his head, turning from her towards the door, needing to get some air and clear his head.
"Don't walk away, don't leave this conversation like this like this is disposable Derek. You can't say that, you can't say that. You can't think of me like that, you don't think of me like that- do you?" Darling walked around him and stood in front of the door.
He didn't respond.
"Derek please!" She begged desperately, failing to hold back her tears and gripping his shirt, "I need you to believe me, I don't care if no one else believes me with everything they're saying out there I just need you to believe me on this- that I would never hurt you like that, that I would never do something like that to you, that this is real- you have always meant everything to me, that this is and has always been real. J-just let me explain it all, I'll get every file and I'll show you, I'll prove to you, I'll tell you it all, I just-"
"Save it for your reports" he mumbled, shaking his head and stepping back from her, clearing his throat "I don't want your explanations or proof... I don't want to need it. I want to be able to trust you but... god,I don't think I can be around you right now Darling, I don't know if I can trust you or anything you say right now."
"Derek please-" she tried to step in front of him as he walked past her, going for the door, hand landing on his on the handle, "I-I can't lose you again, I can't, I just can't! I can't watch you walk away from me again, please don't- I don't want to be without you again Derek, please, I don't want to lose you."
His gaze stayed on their hands for a moment, the memories of her hand on his before.
Hands on countless of door handles in their life, holding hands even as friends, high-fiving at any moment to be able to bring their hands together like they belonged there.
Then the pain came to his chest of the thought of it all being a lie; her coming back into his life with work, their second chance to make things how they were always meant to be together, him getting his chance to finally tell her he loved her and then fall even deeper in love with her, something he didn't know was possible but loved learning everyday that he could.
Which was why it hurt all that much more learning that it could all be a lie, a lie he shouldn't believe was a lie, a lie he knew was ridiculous to believe his best friend could do.
But there was a lot he learnt about Darling that reached far past his expectations of her.
And he found that sliver of doubt in the back of his mind had grown, poisoning his rational thinking and being the reason that for the first time in their entire friendship he didn't want her hand on him.
Morgan didn't say anything as his hand opened the door and slipped out from under hers, ignoring her cry after him, ignoring the pain in her voice, ignoring her and the aching in his hand that longed to be back in her now empty one.
All Morgan could think about an hour later was that hand as sat in the briefing room listening to Luke rattle on his report with a level of calm confidence and charisma that boiled Morgan's blood, but he couldn't think about that.
He couldn't stop thinking about her stood there, the fear in her eyes when he yelled at her without realising, the grip on his arm when she tried to get him to not leave, the broken begging in her voice that didn't sound like her- but a version of her she had swore to leave behind when she left Jacob, the version of her he hated that he had accidentally made her become again even for that split moment.
A woman begging to be loved by a man threatening to walk away.
Morgan got up without thinking, a sliver of reality hitting him over his overwhelming emotions that took over before.
"Agent Morgan, is everything-" Erin went to quiz but Morgan was already out of the room, running at full speed towards Garcia's office to apologise profusely to her, to tell her she never needed to explain or prove herself to him and he was sorry for making her ever feel that way especially with how much it felt like everyone was against her already.
But as he opened the door that opportunity left with the absence of her in there.
She had gone, without telling anyone she had left the building moments after Morgan had left that room.
Hands trembling and tears pouring down her silent face she pressed the elevator button, rode it in silence with the other agents already in there who looked confused at this woman with mascara half down her face sobbing the whole way down.
Hands that trembled more as she held out her thumb on the side of the road to get a lift to her apartment, fingers shaking with an absence of his hand there to support her as she made a call to Addie's school with a decision made the moment Morgan had left that room.
The moment the team questioned believing her, the moment Hotch looked at her like she was delusional, the moment Reid softly defended Luke by believing she could be addicted like he said; none of that solidified her decision more than Morgan leaving her alone in that room.
Nothing solidified the call she made next with shaking hands and an unusually steady voice as she stood in front of her now closed apartment door.
"Is it done?" The voice on the other end answered simply.
Darling held back her sob and forced the words to come out of her throat, "yes, the information on Agent Garcia's computer has been wiped. I only had the opportunity to do it today, but it's done, which means the mission is over."
"Good... good- and Mr Hotchner has no idea that your relationship with him was a lie, correct?"
Darling swallowed the truth that Hotch had in fact found out about her mission almost immediately, although not the part about her needing to delete secure files on Garcia's computer, a thing she didn't realise she was doing automatically after Morgan left as her grieving and overwhelmed mind went into automatic work survival mode to avoid the pain of him leaving.
She swallowed the truth about Hotch helping her for months on little missions like he was meant to do if she had gotten him to fall into a relationship like they ordered her to.
She swallowed the truth about Morgan, about how she couldn't go through with pretending she loved any other man when she saw him again, about how she threw everything out of the window that she worked for months on, everything that could have gotten her targeted by the secret service if she didn't follow through- all of it thrown out of the window because she couldn't deal with pretending not to love him, even if she didn't think he thought of her anything more than a friend at the time.
"Correct" she lied down the phone before finishing writing her note and sliding it under Jenkin's door as she adjusted the bag on her shoulder, walking out towards her car, not letting herself look back at the apartment.
"Good job agent Dawson, if I'm honest I didn't think you could do it."
"I seem to be getting that a lot lately" she replied blankly, dropping her bag into the trunk and giving into the urge to take one brief look over her shoulder at her apartment.
The memories flooded her immediately and stung in her heart there from how beautifully she wanted to hold onto them because they were coated with him;
Her and Morgan laughing on the sofa, the first time he tilted her chin up to him, 'do it,' the first time they kissed in her kitchen as a 'game' that they both knew was more, him comforting her after cases, him telling her he loved her on the very sidewalk she stood on now, the night that followed full of love and laughter, the morning that followed that with the build up of anticipation in her bed, the many nights and morning after that together.
But it wasn't just the memories of them that she could see in there.
It was only him.
Him everywhere, coating the apartment that was meant to be a set up in this fake life that became absurdly real and beautiful with her best friend interrupting it.
She could see exactly how the light would bounce off his face in those windows, how his hands tapped counter tops when he cooked for her, how his smile shon brighter than the disco ball on her chair, how his eyes lit up when she put on his favourite record, how his body felt as if it belonged solely in those walls with her.
But now it was gone, it left that office and shut the door on her with that hand.
His hand that had pushed open her door and pulled her close to him when she was too scared to admit she needed him, his hand that hand held her whilst she cried, his hand that flopped her hair over her face with a laugh- that hand pulled away from her.
And now that apartment was an empty reminder of her empty hand holding that phone making the call that would take her away from that hand for good.
"Miss Dawson?" The voice down the voice interrupted her tears as she stared for longer than she'd like to at the apartment window.
"W-what? Sorry, sorry" she cleared her throat.
"I said; I assume you're going to be needing a situation set up here like was in the initial contract?"
Darling closed her eyes; the minute she said these words, it would be real, that she would be leaving not just that little apartment and the memories that sat so tightly packed in there.
Her hand naturally found its way to her necklace, to the place she had always found comfort in, to the place she had always found 'home in,' walking back over and forcing her shaking hand to post it into her mailbox with an emptiness around her neck now, matching the emptiness to her voice as she spoke down the phone before getting into her car.
"Find me a new home."