It killed Nyssa to have seen Sara hurt and being the cause of it. She drowned herself in rigorous training since she got back home that night and hadn't stopped since then. Her body was sore, aching and covered with bruises all over, but it was all nothing compared to how terrible she has felt. She promised herself she'd protect her, yet she's the one causing her pain. She's thought of the perfect punishment to give herself. She will distance herself from Sara until she comes to her herself. She will keep watch of her from afar, knowing she can't come close to her, hold her, be with her.
She took a quick shower to ease some of the ache and wash off the sweat and blood clinging on her skin before she went to school. She rode her motorcycle. She just wanted to be alone. She still hasn't talked to Alec since he started with his punishment. But Nate had tried to talk to her, but she ignored his text. She was in no mood for any of that.
Nyssa avoided any encounter she could have with Sara, even skipping their chemistry class. It's funny that she was getting upset with Sara avoiding her, now she's the one doing it.
Sara noticed that Nyssa wasn't in class even though she just saw her earlier. Maybe she's the one avoiding her now. It's fine with her. The distance would make it easier for her to think. Sort her feelings out.
During practice, she caught sight of Nyssa sparring against Alec. Both of their bodies covered with bruises. Worse that anything she has ever seen, yet there they were giving each other new ones. She doesn't get how they are able to continue like that. Don't they feel the pain? Are they just punishing themselves?
The day ended with Nyssa not even giving her a quick glance. Sara didn't think it would hurt as much as it did. She thought she could be okay with it. She thought it's what she wanted. When she was the one doing it, she thought it was okay, but now that Nyssa's doing it, it just hurts like hell.
But that wasn't true. Nyssa was watching her carefully at the corner of her eye. She was well aware that Sara was watching her, but she couldn't do anything about it. So she just pretended not to notice her, even if it hurts to do so.
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"God Damn You're Beautiful To Me"
On the days I can't see your eyes
I don't even want to open mine
On the days I can't see your smile
Well, I'd rather sit and wait the while
For the days I know you'll be near
'Cause a day without you just isn't fair
See the days I can hear your voice
I'm left without a choice
Plus I get weak in the knees
Fall head over heels, baby
And every other cheesy cliché
Yes, I'm swept off my feet
Oh, my heart skips a beat
But there's really only one thing to say:
God damn, you're beautiful
To me, you're everything,
Yeah, that's beautiful, yes, to me.
I can't find the words to explain
Just how much you got me going insane
When you speak to me sometimes we fight
Oh, I stutter my words, I say nevermind
'Cause even when you just walk by
Well, I look around to seem occupied
'Cause I'm trying so hard to hide
Yeah, all of these feelings inside
'Cause I get weak in the knees
Fall head over heels, baby
And every other cheesy cliché
Oh, I'm swept off my feet
Oh, my heart skips a beat
But there's really only one thing to say:
God damn, you're beautiful to me,
oh, you're everything,
Yeah, that's beautiful, yes, to me.
Yes, to me.
No. I didn't write this. I wish I did though. When I heard this song, you were all I could think of. How you make me feel. How beautiful you've always been to me.
Yes, you're beautiful. I'll say it over and over. As many times as you'd like, until you know that it is true.
~ME
It struck Sara how much that was exactly how she was feeling at the moment. About Nyssa. She had dreamt of her again. Nyssa was standing in the middle of the darkness with just a luminescent light shining behind her, looking at Sara, waiting for her to come to her. Sara wanted to run to her, wrap her arms around her, kiss her, but she couldn't even move. She just stood there as she watched the image of Nyssa fade.
"Why can't you just introduce yourself to me right now? So I can stop mooning over words on a piece of paper. Or someone who's conveniently here because I don't have a freaking clue who you are."
Sara counted the days left. 20.
"Yeah. I do hope I'll finally meet you then."
The days flew by with her and Nyssa trying to avoid each other. She's learned how to deal with it without letting it bother her. She just focused more of her attention on the letters. It had been a routine for her to open one by the time she gets up.
There was one with a drawing of her in pen. Though she was colored in, the rest of the picture were left untouched. It was beautiful. There was also a note written below it.
This is how I see things. You standing out, colorful and vibrant, while the rest just fades away in the background. You have brought out a different perspective in me. You have brought color to how I see things. You've brought color to my life.
Then another one of a blooming yellow rose.
This has got to be the first drawing I've ever added color to. Thinking of you, I just had to. A yellow rose not fully bloomed that shows that you haven't even reached the peak of your beauty. Just wait and see.
Day after day. Letter after letter.
33.
I know I always write about you, and that you'd want me to write something about myself to at least give you an idea who I am.
I love to read. Novels. Poems. They interest me more than the colorful pictures in movies. To me, they reveal more. More of the writer. More of the reader. More of life and everything beyond and within. And as you can see, I also like to write. I mostly write things that I like to let out but still keep to myself. I've never had anyone read any of my personal writings, aside from you. You've inspired me to write poems, not that I haven't tried before, but they're not the same when you came along.
I like to travel. I would want to go up and leave. Leave everything behind and just see what the world has to offer. Well, maybe not everything, I'd want to take you with me. Wander every corner and share every wonderous experience with you.
34.
I don't know why I decided to write 50 letters. I'm running out of things to say. But here it is, I've got to push through.
There are times that I wonder what would you think if I suddenly stop writing. Would you miss it? Miss me? Or would you just brush the thought away and move on with your life? I wonder if you wait to find these notes and letters. Have my letters become part of your daily life? Or are they just a passing thought? Do you also think of me even for a short while?
I know I'm just being crazy trying to put myself down. I'm just nervous and scared I guess, of what you might be thinking.
Inspired by the simple letters, little by little, Sara has learned to be okay with seeing Nyssa and Max together, even being in the same room with them, and talking and spending some time with them. But she still hasn't gotten around being alone with Nyssa. In time, maybe they'll be able to go back to the way things were.
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Things have been going real good between Nyssa and Max, but it still doesn't mean much to Nyssa. It's still not the same as with Sara. She knows she's being unfair to Max, but that's just how it is. She's happy that she and Sara are starting to get back on the same page, but it also pains to see that she is okay with seeing her with Max together. She's rather have her mad at her, than being okay with seeing her with someone else.
"What would you like to do this weekend?"
"I don't know. You decide."
"How about the theme park?"
"Sure. If that's what you want."
"I invited Sara and Rebecca to join us. Is that okay?"
"Yeah. Of course."
-----------------
Live life with no regrets. It's better to give things a try, fail, and learn from it. Than always wondering what could have been.
I'm glad I was able to convince myself to do this. I would accept whatever comes out of it.
~ME
Nyssa arrived at the theme park to find Sara standing by the entrance alone. She hesitated to walk up to her, but decided it's more foolish not to.
"Hey. So, where are they?"
"Would you believe me if I tell you they're not coming?"
"What do you mean?"
Sara showed her the text she got from Max.
Sorry, Sara. I don't know what's going on between you and Nyssa, but I see that you haven't even acknowledging each others presence. I thought maybe spending some fun time together would help. I love you. Be good.
Nyssa smiled and handed her back the phone.
"Don't."
"I didn't say anything." But Nyssa's smile grew. "So are we going to do this?"
Then Sara's phone beeped again with another text.
From: Max
Don't even think of bailing! Do this for me. Please?
Sara rolled her eyes in response. Of course Max would know that she'd want to bail. Of course she'd notice the sudden change between her and Nyssa, though she doesn't seem to have a clue about what.
"Don't have a choice. I'm doing this because Max asked, so as we're clear."
Nyssa was glad to have been able to spend some time alone with Sara. Given that it's at a public place, but it's just the two of them.
They were able to ease in to a comfortable dynamic and started to enjoy their time together. They went around trying different games and avoided certain topics that would make each other feel awkward. They came across an archery game, where the player should at least get an arrow out of three in the bullseye to get a prize, and when you get all three in, you'll get the grand prize. The trick is, the target's moving and you only have 90 seconds to get all three shots over with. Sara looked at Nyssa and gave her a challenging smile.
"You want it?"
"Can you do it?"
"Are you doubting my skills, Sara Lance?"
Nyssa paid for the game and the guy managing it handed her the bow and three arrows. Nyssa tested the pull of the bow and got in position.
"Which one would you like?"
"The big one, of course."
"How many?"
"What do you mean?"
"How many shots? One at a time? All together?"
"Cocky much?"
Nyssa took all three arrows and pulled them back with the string. She looked at her target and took a steady breath. She glanced at Sara and smiled. Then she let go with all three hitting right on the spot.
The guy reluctantly handed her the big stuffed bear. She took it and walked closer to where Sara was standing.
"Show off." Sara said while she tried to bite down a smile.
"This is for you." Nyssa had the bear in front of her as she peaked from behind it, which Sara found adorable.
"Thank you." Sara took the bear and snuggled close to it, then looked up at Nyssa. "Jealous of the bear?" she teased.
"Maybe."
They began walking in comfortable silence hand in hand with Nyssa carrying the bear at her side.
"I really missed you, Sara."
Sara pulled herself closer to Nyssa and leaned her head on her shoulder.
"So did I, Nyssa."
Sara saw a photobooth before they left the park, and dragged Nyssa there. They took the first shots with Nyssa hiding behind the bear or not even looking at the camera and smiling.
"Come on, Nyssa. Just smile."
Nyssa shook her head no.
"We're not getting out of here until I get a good picture out of you."
"This is a waste of money, Sara."
"Then look at the camera and smile."
Sara was making faces beside her, and she just sat there smiling to herself as she watched Sara's face light up in delight. And not being able to resist, she placed a quick kiss on her cheek that was caught on the last shot. Sara took the printed photos. It was nice. The way Nyssa was just staring at her with a small sparkle in her eyes. And the last one that caught her by surprise.
"Another one."
"What? I was smiling."
"You weren't looking at the camera. And make some faces."
Nyssa tried to protest.
"Come on. Even just one."
Nyssa gave up and just did what was asked of her. She would just copy whatever expression Sara was making. As payback, Sara wanted to surprise Nyssa with a kiss of her own, but Nyssa turned the same time she was leaning in, and their lips met in a sweet subtle kiss.
"That was..."
"Don't say nice."
"Unexpected." Nyssa smiled and Sara returned it with her own.
They took the photos and got out of the booth. Sara was laughing so hard at Nyssa's cute facial expressions.
"I'm keeping this one. Which one would you like?"
"You can have them all."
"No. I want you to have one."
Sara looked at the pictures carefully, deciding which one she wants Nyssa to have.
"Here." She handed her the second batch they took. "I don't know what you were thinking of, but I really like your smile here. I want you to remember yourself like that. When you're feeling down, remember whatever it is you were thinking of here. Whatever you're seeing in me. And smile like that for me. Whenever you look at this, remember that we have moments like this. Just us."
"I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt to see that you're okay with all this. It hurt when I see you being bothered by it, but you being okay with it is much worse. And I can't stay away from you anymore. Pretending that I don't want to be with you is the hardest thing I ever had to do."
"I know, Nyssa. Believe me, I know." Sara tried to fight back the tears welling up in her eyes with a smile. "But it's too complicated. We'll be okay though. I know we'll be."