SHAWN AXCEL'S POV
"Ano na naman ba ang dahilan at nagpatawag ka ng inuman? Finals na bukas, oy! Gaguhan lang?"
Miles was so hysterical when he arrived first in our meet-up-place. The bar where we always get drunk, either to celebrate or we're being fucked up. Pinatawag ko lang naman sila, baka sakaling masamahan nila ako sa ka-dramahan ko kahit na finals na namin bukas. I'm not in the mood to make reviews. Ayaw mag-function ng utak ko nang maayos.
I bottoms-up the tequila like a water."She doesn't really like me. That was just a lie. Ayaw niya na akong makita."
"Ay, putek! Seryoso ba? Nag-away ba kayo kaya nagka-aminan?" His brows frowned.
Hindi ako nakasagot dahil sabay na dumating sina Rynier at Miko. Naubos ko na ang tequila kaya inabot ko 'yong Black Label at walang pasabing nilagok 'yon sa bote. Damn it! Why can't I taste the liquor? Bakit walang lasa?
"Hindi na ako magtatanong kung anong nangyari. My girlfriend called and told me everything. Uminom na lang kayo nang konti." Rynier patted my back and sat beside Miles.
Inagaw naman ni Miko ang hawak kong Black Label at saka tinunga."Fuck! Ang pangit ng lasa...kaya pala iniwan ka."
He immediately stood up and ran away to get another drink. Gagong 'yon! Nilait na nga ang inumin ko, ni-real talk pa ako. Sayang. Hindi ko mabatukan ang loko dahil tinamaan na ako nang konti. I started to drink at 6:30 PM and now it's 9:00 PM. Sinong hindi tatamaan ng alak?
"I gave everything that I've got. Bakit ayaw niya pa rin sa'kin?! Hindi naman na ako lumalapit sa mga babae, ah?" Kanina pa ako nagpapaliwanag sa kanila na wala akong ginawang masama.
Maybe I'm this drunk. Gusto ko lang naman ilabas sa kanila ang hinanakit ko, ah. I want to let go of this pain. Masakit kase sa'kin, eh. Ewan ko lang sa kanya dahil matigas pa rin ang puso no'n. I thought I already made it. That I softened her heart to accept me. Pero bakit gano'n? Ayaw niya pa rin!
Badtrip!
Miles tried to pull the beer away from me."Takte! Magkaka-hangover ka nito bukas. Mawawala lahat ng ni-review mo. Ano ba na---Hoy! Akin na sabi 'yan eh!"
"Iuwi na natin 'yan sa kanila. Marami pang nakaabang do'n sa condo niya. Wala ring mag-aalaga sa gagong 'yan kaya ideretso na natin sa mansion nila," I heard Miko suggested.
"I swear, bro. You won't like the outcome tomorrow. Pagsisisihan mo talagang uminom ka ngayon," Rynier reminded me.
I laughed, feeling the music around me."Wala naman akong pinagsisisihan. Gusto ko pa rin siyang makita. I want to see her!"
"Anak ng---Baliw ka na! Sabihin mo 'yan bukas sa exam! O baka magdasal ka na sana ibulong sa'yo ng santo ang sagot bukas," Miles hissed at me.
Lahat ng sinasabi nila sa'kin, wala akong maintindihan. I just kept on laughing at them even though there's nothing funny at all. Epekto na rin siguro ng alak. Nawawala na ako sa tamang pag-iisip. I don't even know what's happening around me. My vision is blurry as hell!
"What happened to him? Bukas na ang exam niya, bakit naglasing pa siya?" It's Kuya Daron's voice.
Nakauwi na pala ako sa mansion. Great. Miss ko na ang mga kapatid ko.
"K-Kuya...Ayaw niya na sa'kin. We're not going to see each other again. Ang sakit!" I cried when I felt a sting on my chest again.
Miko cursed."Ayan na naman siya. Pakikuha na nga lang ng kapatid mo. Kanina tumatawa pa 'yan sa byahe tapos ngayon umiiyak na. Kung makaiyak akala mo naging sila, hindi naman."
"Just keep your brother for a while, Daron. His condo was surrounded by medias and reporters so we couldn't send him there," Rynier explained.
Kuya nodded."Thanks for bringing him and sorry for the trouble."
"Ano bang ingay 'yan? Kakaidlip ko pa lang dahil nag-review pa ako tapos gi---Motherfucker! Anong nangyari d'yan?" Cohen hurriedly go downstairs.
Umiyak ako pagkatapos kong umupo sa sofa."Dude, I'm fucking messed up! Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko."
"Jusmeyo! Ayan kase ang sinasabi ko sa'yo eh! Sige, mambabae ka ulit bukas. Ilang karma pa ang tatama sa'yo," Katria's scolding me again.
"Shit! May exam ka bukas, Kuya, 'di ba? Do you want to get a failing grades?" Raizer's voice was irritated.
"Ayos! Nasa'n na 'yong sinabi mong 'no girls could make me cry', Kuya? Kinain mo rin pala 'yong salita mo," Akken chuckled.
I woke up with a bad headache. Huli ko lang na naalala 'yong pag-uusap namin ni Zeriel tapos wala na. I shook my head and roamed my eyes around, confused. How did I came up in my room? Sinong nagdala sa'kin dito sa kwarto ko sa mansion?
W-What exactly...happened last night?
"Shael! Gumising ka nang tukmol ka! Lasing pa kase!" Katria knocked on my door.
F-Fuck! Nag-bar pala ako kagabi! Bwisit!
I get off my bed and opened the door for her. She was raising her eyebrow at me, probably pissed. Oh, shit. Ayaw pa naman niya na nagpapagising kami.
I gave her a small smile."S-Sorry, Kat. Maliligo na ako. I won't take too long."
'Yon na nga ang ginawa ko. Ang kilos ko parang naging kidlat. There's nothing scarier than Katria being mad. Baka hindi lang kamao ang tumama sa mukha ko.
Since I left a uniform in my closet, I still have something to wear. Ang problema ko lang, naiwan ko 'yong iba kong reviewers sa condo ko. I can't go there. Maybe I could ask one of my brothers to get my things. Dito na lang muna ako pansamantala. Wala na akong iba pang mapupuntahan.
"Grabe, dude. Ang sakit sakit na. Hindi ko na kaya." Cohen dramatically held his chest as if he's in a role play.
I rolled my eyes at him."Stop mocking what I did last night, moron. Kapag ikaw talaga nagka-ganon, gagayahin din kita."
They all laughed at me. Akala siguro nila nagbibiro ako. What am I? A stupid? Sino namang gago ang iiyak nang walang dahilan?
"Pero, ayos ka rin. Ayaw mo no'n? Ipapalabas kayong dalawa sa TV bukas? It's your interview so there's no way you won't show up," Cohen said.
I sighed heavily."I won't. Totoo 'yong sinabi kong hindi na kami magkikita. She hates my presence. Para sa kanya gulo lang ang dala ko."
"Kapag hindi ka nagpakita bukas, mapapahiya rin siya. There were comments that you're just playing with her. If you won't go, it will just prove them right. That there's no serious thing going on between the two of you," Katria commented.
"Mas mabuti na rin siguro 'yon. It's her who pushed me away even if I wanted to stay. Ayaw niya akong makasama dahil kinahihiya niya ako. It's like I just brought dirt to her name," I said with no emotion on my voice.
Nagsimula ang finals namin nang hindi ako nakapag-handa. I don't remember anything that I've reviewed. Wala nang pumapasok sa isip ko kahit na ano. Idagdag mo pa 'yong walang katapusang titig ng mga kaklase ko sa'kin. I tried to focus on my test paper but it's just making my head spin. Hindi pa rin nawawala ang hangover ko simula kaninang umaga. Napa-sobra yata ang inom ko.
"Mr. Helveryst. What's wrong with you? Bakit bumababa na ang grades mo sa subject ko?" Mrs. Villaflor asked me.
I scratched my head lightly."I-I'm just...busy, Maam. Marami lang po akong iniisip kaya hindi na ako makapag-concentrate sa klase minsan. Sorry po."
"Alam mo naman siguro na importanteng mataas palagi ang scores mo sa quizzes, participation, activities, especially sa exams. But what I've noticed on you is that you're not doing it well. Gusto mo pa bang manatiling top 1? Or you want others to steal that position from you because of your carelessness?" she said straight to the point.
Top 1? Like what Zeriel always wanted to reach. Nakakapagod din pala minsan na abutin 'yong bagay na gusto mo. Parang siya lang. I can't reach her. Ang layo niya kase sa'kin.
I stared in the absence."Kung para sa'kin talaga ang isang bagay, kahit na anong gawin ko mananatili itong akin. But if not, I couldn't do anything about it. Nangyari na kaya wala na akong magagawa."
"Grabe! Pati paraan ng pagsasalita mo, nag-iba na. I don't know what's happening to you. You're not like that before. Parang ibang Shawn ang kaharap ko ngayon," hindi niya makapaniwalang sambit.
"Kung ano po 'yong kaya niyo ibigay na grades, tatanggapin ko na lang po. Better luck next year na lang siguro," I faked my smile before walking away.
Gano'n din ang nangyari sa mga susunod ko pang subjects. Napapatawag ako pagkatapos ng exam ko sa isang subject. The reason was just the same. My grades were not that good as before. Baka nga raw may chance na hindi ako masali sa final 5 ng ranking.
What can I do? Nothing. Kahit naman maibabalik ko pa ang oras, pipiliin ko pa ring gawin kung ano ang gusto ko. Unlike her, I didn't regret doing her works. Bali-baliktarin man ang mundo, kung ano ang makaka-pagpasaya sa kanya, 'yon ang gagawin ko.
"Pa'no na 'yan ngayon? Hindi ka na kasali sa top," Miles said disappointingly.
I winced a bit."Okay lang 'yan. I placed the top 1 last semester so I'm still relieved. May next year pa naman, ano ba kayo?"
"Sayang pa rin 'yon, gunggong! That is your chance yet you waste it," Miko added.
"Wala na tayong magagawa. C'mon. Forget it and move forward," I cheered them up.
Ako naman 'yong may problema pero ako pa 'yong gumagawa ng paraan para hindi na sila malungkot. Kung ako rin naman ang tatanungin nila, malungkot din ako. But it doesn't mean that I regret it. Lilipas din naman ang lungkot eh.
"What are your plans now? The card giving is on Monday and there's no more classes. Semestral break na," masayang sabi ni Rynier.
I shrugged my shoulders, leaning on my car."I haven't think about it. Saka na siguro ako gagawa ng vacation plan. For now, I'm not in the mood so maybe I'll just rest myself."
Umuwi kaagad ako pagkatapos ng final examination dahil wala naman akong ibang gagawin. I changed my clothes into sweatpants and V-neck shirt before opening the fridge to find something to eat. Napabuntong-hininga ako nang makitang cheese at ham na lang ang natira sa loob. They haven't arrived yet so I think I'm going to buy groceries by myself.
Kailan ba sila last nag-grocery? Ang bilis naman maubos ng mga pagkain nila rito. Do I look like a fucking shopper?
Mom always remind me to list all the groceries I needed to buy and that's what I did. Hindi ako sigurado pero mukhang umabot yata ng isang libo ang inilista ko. I even took half an hour in writing the list.
"Do you find Shael handsome? Popular cassanova raw siya sa UE. What if we'll visit that school?" The girl beside me whispered to the other girl beside her.
"Well, he has a different charm. So yeah. Hindi ko lang gusto ang ugali niya. He plays with girls. That's disrespectful!" sagot naman ng katabi niya.
Tumango naman 'yong nagtutulak ng cart."Kawawa talaga si Zeriel kapag totoong pinatulan niya ang lalaking 'yon. He's not worth it for her. Baka nga dahil sa kanya bumagsak siya ulit sa baba."
Nakatitig lang ako sa mga pinamili ko at naiwan ang kamay ko sa loob ng freezer. Why does it have to be my fault? Is reputation more important than your feelings for a person? Sa lahat ba ng oras kailangang career at trabaho ang laging pipiliin?
Maybe yes, maybe no. It's her dream to be a model and there's no wrong in it. Pero bakit sinasabi nilang nakakahadlang ako sa kanya? Am I stopping her to achieve everything she wants? Of course not! Instead, I'm supporting her in all of her goals. Tumutulong pa nga ako, 'di ba? Bakit ako pa ang mali?
"Uh...Kuya, nakabukas pa po ang freezer. Kung wala na kayong kukunin, paki-sara na lang po. Sayang sa kuryente," sambit ng babaeng katabi ko.
Napabalik naman ako sa ulirat at tinanggal ang kamay kong nanlalamig na saka sinara ang freezer. I always overthink whenever I'm going to hear such negative comments about us. Ang daming may ayaw na maging kami ni Zeriel. Bad influence raw ako sa kanya.
Why is the world so judgemental, nowadays?
Binilisan ko na lang ang ginagawa ko kahit na matagal pa bago ako matapos rito. The store was getting loaded with many people buying groceries. Kung may lalabas, marami naman ang papasok. It's suffocating in here.
Akala ko 'yong dalawang babae lang kanina ang nag-uusap tungkol sa'min pero mali pala ako. Almost all of the people inside the store were gossiping about the issue. We were the talk of the town. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung saan ako magtatago dahil wala namang lugar na bakante.
I told myself to calm down because I'm confident that they won't recognize me. I was wearing a cap and a facemask when I get here for assurance. Mabuti na lang at advance ako mag-isip kaya ligtas pa rin ako kahit papaano. Ayokong dumugin ng mga taong galit sa'kin. Mukhang fans pa naman ni Zeriel ang mga nandito. Well, some of them were haters too. They were just pretending to be her fan, I guess?
Mataas ang pila kaya naiinip na akong tumayo sa linya. Good thing they turned on the flat screen TV in front of us. Hindi nga lang akong nasiyahan sa nakita ko. It was the fucking issue again. Kailan ba ako nito lulubayan? Saan na lang ako lulugar?
"Ms. Sophie Relantador, what are your insights about the newest issue spreading worldwide. I bet you're intrigue because she's your rival in the industry," the interviewer asked her.
She smiled sweetly to the camera."For me, she deserves it. I mean, she's not being nice to everyone so maybe those negative comments suits her. We all know that she's heartless. How could she make us believe that she knows dating now. The most bitter part is that, she's dating with a popular playboy. How inglorious is that?"
Fuck it! She has the guts to say that in media? How indecent is she? Kung makapagsalita siya parang walang dangal. She may be Zeriel's bestfriend before but she doesn't know anything about her. All she knew was just her dark side.
Ang tanga naman ng boyfriend nito. Walang taste kung pumili. Tsk.
"As what I've noticed, you're right that she's heartless. But what if that was just a dark side hers? We all know that people has different sides. And one thing, I believe interfering one another's life is rude. We should care less of her private stuffs," the interviewer said.
I smirked because of that. Nakalimutan kong pinalitan ko pala lahat ng media gamit ang mga agency na under sa kompanya namin. Of course, they will do their best to ask a sensible question. Wala rin namang magtataka dahil gano'n naman talaga ang tinatanong nila. Unlike Sophie's medias before, they were finding a hole to ask a question that is obviously in favor of her side.
Mabuti na lang pinalitan ko agad no'ng nalaman ko tungkol sa issue.
Pilit naman na ngumiti si Sophie."Y-Yeah. I know that. I don't care about her private stuffs. Just stating my opinion, I guess? I think it's enough for today. I'm out now."
"Okay. Thank you, Ms. Relantador. That's all for today mga ka-chikas."
See? Ayaw niya nang tanungin kase na-bulgar na ang pagiging chismosa niya. Pati buhay ng iba pinapakialaman niya pa.
"Sir, magbabayad na po ba kayo o ano? Marami pa pong nakasunod sa inyo, oh."
Napaigtad ako nang konti at nagmamadaling nilapag sa counter ang mga pinamili ko sa cart para matingnan niya ang presyo sa computer. After paying the groceries, I rushed to go home. Siguro dalawang oras at kalahati ako sa loob ng store na 'yon kaya gutom na gutom ako pag-uwi.
"Ayos! May stock na ulit tayo. Kanina ka pa namin hinihintay, Kuya." Sinalubong ako ni Akken at tinulungan ako sa mga dala ko.
'Yong mga loko, prenteng nakaupo sa sofa at tiningnan lang ako na nagbubuhat ng mga pinamili ko. Ni hindi man lang ako tinulungan. Wala nga lang si Kuya Daron sa kanila. Pero kahit na, ang bastos! 'Wag talaga sila kakain mamaya.
"Nasa'n sina Kuya---"
Bago ko pa man natapos ang sasabihin ko, lumabas galing sa guest room sina Kuya at Katria. Hindi maipinta ang mukha nila pareho. What's happening to them? Are they arguing again?
"We're going to the hospital now! Hindi mo magugustuhan kapag ako ang nagbuhat sa'yo palabas, Kat," Kuya was glaring at her.
He was really mad because he didn't used their endearment when he called her. Ang saklap naman. Ano bang pinag-aawayan ng dalawang 'to.
Katria didn't listen to him and walked faster towards my brothers direction."I already made it clear, Daron. Hindi sa'kin ang pregnancy test na 'yon. I haven't graduated college!"
Tiningnan namin sila na gulat at hindi makapaniwala. Pota. Anong pregnancy test? Buntis siya?
"I don't care if you haven't graduated. Kapag nalaman kong buntis ka, magpapakasal tayo," Kuya said without chill.
Napasinghap naman kaming lahat at tumayo sa sinabi niya. Why am I feeling so nervous about it? Hindi naman ako ang ama pero paano kung totoo ngang buntis siya at si Kuya ang ama? Tito na ako kung gano'n?
T-Teka..may ginawa ba sila? Jusko po! Delikado na 'to.
"Calm down, Kuya. Kapag totoong buntis siya, maaapektuhan pati baby niyo." I grinned, finding it exciting to tease my brother.
Hindi na ako nakialam pa pagkatapos no'n at umakyat na sa kwarto ko. I lied down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Kapag ganitong nakatulala ako, awtomatikong maiisip ko siya. Hindi kami nagkita sa University kanina. Maybe because I was so busy and so as her.
I missed her already. Isang araw pa lang eh. I want to hug her tight, kahit 'yon lang. I wonder if she's doing good right now. Nakapasa kaya siya sa exam? I hope she placed the top 1 like what she's aiming for. Proud na ako sa kanya kapag naiisip kong nakamit niya 'yon. Sana naman naaalala niya ako kapag may achievements siyang nakukuha. Nang sa gano'n, panatag ang loob kong hindi niya pa ako nakakalimutan.
She wanted a distance from me so I adjust myself. Nakayanan ko naman kase iniisip ko na 'yon ang gusto niya. I was hoping that if ever we overcome our issue, she would never distance herself from me again. Kapag malayo siya sa'kin, parang hindi ako makahinga. She's my air. And I need her for me to live.
Today is Saturday, the day that she's going to her interview. It was supposed to be our date but saving her career is the most important. Makakapaghintay pa naman ang date namin. Meron pa sa ibang mga araw. I cant wait. I will.
"Ngayon na ang interview, hindi ka talaga pupunta?" Katria asked me, opening the TV.
Nalaman ko lang kagabi na hindi pala talaga siya buntis. He friends were just making fun of her. Kuya felt relieved too. Mukha lang siyang seryoso kahapon pero kinakabahan talaga siya. Walang kasalan na magaganap, amp!
I shook my head."Hindi talaga, Kat. Distance kami ngayon, eh. Baka hindi siya komportable kapag nando'n ako."
Sa totoo lang, gusto kong pumunta para samahan siya. I want to make her feel that I'm just beside her. Pero naalala kong ayaw niya pala ako ro'n. Things will go messier if I'll show up. Kung anong pasya niya, sang-ayon ako. I believe on her. Always.
"This is Amanda Marquez, producer of Cha-3 Production. Today, we have a guest, the famous star in the model industry, Zekiah Xyriel Knoxville. A round of applause, please." The host stood up from her chair and clapped her hands to welcome Zeriel.
My eyes glued on her. She was wearing a Black Ruffled Floral Lace Shift Dress based on the tag line below. Isa siguro 'yon sa mga product na in-endorse niya.
She gave them a small smile."Thanks for the greeting. Good morning, by the way."
"Hindi na ako magpapaligoy-ligoy pa, Ms. Knoxville. What is going on between you and Mr. Shawn Axcel Helveryst?" the host asked directly to her.
Hindi ako mapakali sa tanong ng host sa kanya. I don't have any idea what's she's going to say. Is she going to tell them or she will keep on hiding that I'm courting her?
"He's nothing to me. That picture of us was real but we're not dating. Just settling some private stuffs between our entertainment and their company. I have a project to do with him and I couldn't reject it because my manager forced me. That's all that I could say," she answered calmly.
P-Project? 'Yon ba 'yong pumayag siyang mag-endorse sa product namin from Brazil? Ang tagal na no'n ah!
What affects me the most is that he denied our relationship towards each other. We don't have an actual relationship but I mean is...I'm courting her. What am I expecting? She's definitely not going to tell everyone about that thing.
Nakakahiya raw kase ako. Poor me.
"Akyat muna ako. Just knock on my door when lunch time came," walang gana kong sambit.
Nilunod ko ang sarili ko sa paglalaro ng mobile games sa loob ng kwarto. Ayokong lumabas at gusto ko lang magpalipas ng oras dito. I'm tired of hearing harsh words about me. I'm getting deaf in each word they're going to throw at me.
Okay lang naman sana sa'kin 'yon. But being neglected and denied by the girl I look up to makes my heart shattered into pieces. Masakit. Amputa.
Nang magsawa ako sa paglalaro ay nagbihis ako para lumabas. I left my car in front of the condominium building so I decided to rode a taxi. Kung gagamit ako ng panibagong sasakyan, hindi ko pa rin mauuwi 'yong isa.
"Mabuti naman at wala ng tao rito. Kaninang umaga halos hindi na makadaan ang mga sasakyan dahil sa mga nakaparadang tao," rinig kong sabi ng driver.
Napatingin ako sa harap at nakahinga nang maluwag dahil walang kahit isang media na natira. Where did they go? They all vanished that fast?
Nagmamadali akong umakyat sa condo ko sa pag-aakalang babalik ang mga tao sa labas. I don't want to get stuck inside my condo. Like I was being quarantined for having a serious disease.
I stared at the condo in front of mine. I smiled bitterly before turning around, getting inside my room. Nilinis ko ang mga natitirang kalat ko at inayos ang mga gamit. I might visit here for 2 or 3 times a week due to semestral break.
I may go out of town if I feel to do it.
It was around 8:00 PM when I finished cooking my dinner. Kumain kaagad ako dahil uuwi ako pagkatapos ko rito. She might go back to the next door and it might be so awkward for the two of us...O baka sa'kin lang.
Nilagay ko sa hindi kalakihang bag ang iba ko pang mga gamit na dadalhin sa mansion. I will live here here again when the opening of classes will start. Naka-pangalan na rin naman sa'kin ang condong 'to kaya walang problema.
"Yes. I'll go home later. Aayusin ko muna ang---" Natigilan siya nang makita ako sa harap ng pinto.
Based on her attire, she came from their entertainment. Kumain na kaya siya? Aish. Why am I asking? Did she even care on me? Hindi naman, ah.
"I saw your interview. Don't worry. Hindi na ako magiging hadlang sa pagkamit ng pangarap mo. You're now free to fix your career. G-Good luck." I gave her a small smile.
She was looking at me with questioning eyes."T-That was just a pure interview. Sinabi ko 'yon kase---"
"Because it's embarrassing for you to tell them that we're really dating. Hindi mo sinabi pero alam ko. And to make it easier for you to fix everything...I-I'm not courting you anymore," I said as I walked away.
------------------------------------------