ZEKIAH XYRIEL'S POV
"What do you mean he lied? Did he cheated on you or what? Tell me."
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin kay Alina ang punto ko. He did not literally cheated on me. I-It's just that...he lied as in he didn't tell me the truth. That's all. Ni wala nga akong ideya kung bakit siya nagsinungaling.
I sighed heavily."I didn't know that he won't be coming back to his condo last night so I stayed outside to wait for him. Wala naman kase siyang text sa'kin dahil last talk namin 3 PM pa. Ugh. Fine! Inaamin kong nag-aalala ako sa kanya."
She will surely ask some follow up questions so I get myself ready for it. Sinabi ko lang na nag-aalala ako kay Shael dahil kahit hindi ko sabihin tatadtarin niya ako ng tanong.
"He's a guy and he could take care of himself. Why are you still bothered? Afraid that he might go out with another girl?" She's so busy eating that chocolate bar she bought from nowhere.
I shook my head immediately."Lately, he's not eating on time and even tried skipping meals. Wala rin siyang sapat na pahinga at tulog tapos kung saan saan pa siya nagpupunta."
"Wow! Grabe. Nagbago ka na talaga. You're being observant now, huh? Saan ba siya pumunta?" She didn't take a single glance on me and still focused on eating.
I hit the table lightly."That's what I'm wondering! Sinabi niya kinaumagahan na sa mansion daw siya natulog pero nang tanungin ko ang Kuya niya na si Daron, hindi naman raw siya umuwi. See? He's not being honest!"
"Baka naman may rason siya kung bakit hindi niya sinabi ang totoo. You know? Men are secretive sometimes." Ali shrugged her shoulders.
Dahil sa inis ko ay binawi ko sa kanya ang chocolate bar na babalatan sana niya. She's not paying attention to me! Kain siya nang kain tapos hindi man lang ako inalok. My gosh!
I crossed my arms over my chest."What kind of reason, hmm? I opened up to him so he should do the same way to me. Baka naman nambababae talaga siya?!"
"Judgmental mo girl! Listen, okay? You said that he's being so busy with his works so maybe that's the reason why he didn't come home last night. Nagsinungaling siya sa'yo kase ayaw niyang mag-alala ka lalo sa kanya. He cared for you. I can see that. Baka iniiwasan niyang mag-away kayo kaya hindi niya sinabi 'yon." Tinaas baba niya pa ang kilay niya na para bang sinasabi niyan tama siya.
She's supposed to be on my side, right?!
Pero kung sabagay, malaki ang punto niya. Why did I think of him like that? He doesn't flirt anymore. Mas lumamang nga ang pagiging hardworking niya para makabawi sa mga projects na sa deadline niya na naipasa.
"Okay. I'll let that pass. Baka masyado lang akong nag-ooverthink kaya gano'n." I gave her back the chocolate bar.
Pinanliitan niya naman ako ng mata."Ikaw, ah. You're so protective to your suitor. Ayaw mo talagang agawin siya ng iba sa'yo."
A-Am I? Hindi ba pwedeng advance thinker lang? If he's going to flirt with someone while he's still courting me, I'm gonna rip his neck off. Mabuti nang naninigurado kaysa naman tamang pakampante lang sa gilid at hindi inaalam kung anong totoong nangyayari sa paligid ko. It already happened once so I don't want that thing to happen again.
"Zeriel! Si Shael.."
Napalingon kami ni Alina sa tumawag sa'kin at kumunot ang noo nang makitang pawis na pawis si Rynier nang makalapit sa'min. He look so worried. He even mentioned Shael.
"Why? What happened to him?" I asked, standing now.
He put his hands on his knees, probably tired because of running."Nahimatay siya kaya dinala sa clinic."
"What?!" I hissed.
Pagdating namin sa clinic ay naghintay muna kami sa labas ng curtain dahil chine-check pa siya ng nurse sa loob. Based on what Miles said, he's still sleeping and might wake up later. Hindi ko pa alam kung anong nangyari sa kanya pero ang alam ko...nag-aalala ako. I'm freaking worried about him. Halos hindi na nga ako makatayo ng maayos dahil sa kaba.
"Calm down. He'll be okay. Hmm?" Ali caressed my back when she noticed that I felt uneasy.
I bit my lower lip and just nodded, convincing myself that nothing's wrong with him. Pero kahit na anong gawin ko, ni hindi nabawasan nang kahit katiting man lang ang kaba at pag-aalala ko sa kanya. I'm going to calm down once he's already awake.
"Kung iwan mo na lang kaya si Shael para hindi na siya magkaganito? He's not like this until you came." Nagkasalubong ang kilay ni Miko nang sabihin niya 'yon sa mismong harapan ko.
"Miko, bro, ayan ka na naman eh. If Shael will find out that---"
"Do you think I'll do that just because you don't like me for him? Hello? Who are you for me to listen to you?" I asked sarcastically.
Miles pursed his lips and tried to pull that fucker away from me. Ano bang pakialam niya? He doesn't have any right to give me a command like that!
"What do you think is the reason why he suddenly collapsed, huh? 'Di ba dahil pagod na pagod siya at hindi na halos makapagpahinga?! It's because of you!" That Miko kept on blaming me.
Pagak naman akong natawa."We barely see each other everyday because we both prioritize our studies. Who gaves you a fucking audacity to blame me?!"
"If you're not going to shut up, bro, you'll surely face me. Miles said enough so stop it!" Rynier glared at him so he finally stopped.
Kaya ayokong makisalamuha sa mga lalaki, eh. Ang kikitid ng mga utak. To be honest, I don't want to mingle with Shael's friends except for Rynier because I'm getting to know him more since he's Alina's boyfriend. He's already crossed out of my 'useless guy in the world' list.
"Ewan ko sa inyo. Pati kayo nahawaan na ni Shael." He walked out of the room.
My blood is boiling in anger but it slowly faded when I heard his voice inside. Nauna pa nga akong pumasok sa loob at hindi pinakinggan ang sinasabi ng nurse na nagbabantay sa kanya. Rynier, Miles, and Alina stayed outside the curtain and let me enter here alone.
"Hey, what's with that reaction?" he asked in a lower voice.
My brows furrowed, looking at him intently."Tinanong mo pa talaga ako kung bakit ganito ang itsura ko? Can't you see that I'm worried about you? Huh?"
He chuckled and tried to sit down so the nurse wanted to help but I glared at her. Ako na ang nag-alalay sa kanya paupo kaya lumabas na muna 'yong nurse.
"Easy, mine. I'm okay."
My eyes widened."W-What? Pwede bang umayos ka?!"
"Pinaalis mo 'yong nurse gamit lang ang mga titig mo. Akala mo ba hindi ko napansin 'yon?" He raised his brow at me, finding it amusing.
I crossed my arms over my chest."Don't go over the topic, Shael. Did you pass out because of tiredness and lack of sleep?"
"Sino namang nagsabi sa'yo niyan? Is it Miko again? Don't listen to him," he said and looked away.
"Then why can't you look at me straight to the eyes? Hindi mo tinutupad ang usapan, right?" mapait kong tanong sa kanya.
He sighed heavily."I always remind myself to eat on time and rest myself early. Kaso lang marami talaga akong kailangang gawin at nakakalimutan ko nang alagaan ang sarili ko. Alam mo namang marami akong hahabulin para sa---"
"Para sa finals mo, alam ko. Sana hindi mo na lang kase ako tinulungan sa mga gawain ko para hindi na 'to nangyari sa'yo. Why are you still pretending as if you're a hero even if you are not?!" I said right to his face.
Tiningnan niya ako gamit ang namumungay niyang mga mata"I-I'm not..Ginawa ko lang naman 'yon para hindi ka na mahirapan. You always want to be on top, right? That's why I'm helping you to achieve it. Bahala na ang sa'kin."
"I don't need your help! I don't need anyone! I could achieve more by myself. Ang alalahanin mo, 'yong sarili mo hindi porket gusto mo'kong tulungan pababayaan mo na rin ang sa'yo. You shouldn't been doing this, anyway." I swallowed hard to control myself.
I'm starting again. Kapag hindi ko napigilan agad, baka tuluyan na akong mawala sa sarili ko at makapagsalita ng hindi dapat.
He bit his lower lip, staring at me with questioning eyes."W-What do you mean? It's not that I helped you to achieve your goals because you can't do it by yourself. G-Gusto ko lang naman...maging parte ng pagkamit sa mga bagay na gusto mo."
"Kung gusto mong mangyari 'yon. Fix yourself first before interfering my mess."
Nakinig ako sa klase buong oras ay pinagpaliban ko muna ang inis ko sa kanya. But there's what we called 'affection' towards someone so I couldn't help but to think of him over and over again. Oo nga't naiinis ako sa kanya pero hindi ko naman maiwasang hindi mag-alala sa kalagayan niya. H-He's still weak and..somber.
Gusto ko siyang puntahan ulit para kamustahin pero baka mauwi lang naman sa hindi pagkakaintindihan. I just admit my mistake for telling him that harsh words. He's not well but I didn't think of that and argued with him. Masasabi ko bang sumobra ako?
The whole review went smooth for me. Palagi akong nakikinig dahil bukas na ang finals. Oh god! Tomorrow's the freaking finals! I have to strive harder to get everything upon myself. Yeah. That is and will always be my main goal.
Pero paano naman siya? He's in the clinic and might be discharged in the afternoon. Ibig sabihin lang no'n hindi siya makakasali sa last day ng review. If he could, baka two or three subjects na lang. Damn him! Sana kase hindi niya na lang ako tinulungan eh. But I won't be relaxing right now if not because of him! Tinulungan ko rin naman siya, eh. We're now even!
It's making me crazier!
"Hey! I'm glad that you're okay. Hindi ka pala apektado. Mabuti kung gano'n." Katria suddenly appeared in front of me.
It's been a while since we saw each other. Busy naman talaga lahat. Even Alina and I, we barely see each other because of time management.
I nodded and closed the book I'm reading."Did you went to see Shael? He's on the clinic. Alam mo na siguro. Wanna blame me?"
"Duh. Of course not. Why would I? Hindi mo naman kasalanan 'yon, gaga ka!" She playfully hit my shoulders as if I'm a man with strong muscles.
I raised my eyebrows at her."So? Why are you here? Wala ka bang reviews para sa finals?"
"Ngayon ang finals namin. May one hour break time tapos move na naman sa next subject. How about you? Review pa rin kahit na center of attraction ka na naman? Sabagay, think positive lang kahit na may issue tung---"
"Issue?" Kumunot ang noo ko."What kind of issue? Hindi pa ako gumagamit ng social media kaya wala pa akong update."
Natigilan siya saglit at nag-iwas ng tingin."Uh...n-naalala ko na may pupuntahan pa pala ako saglit. Una na muna ako, ah."
Nagmamadali siyang umalis pero hinabol ko siya at hinila pabalik. I felt like something's wrong. Meron ba akong hindi nalalaman?
"Katria...Do you want to befriend of me right?" I asked her seriously.
She pursed her lips and nodded."Yeah. B-But I don't want to meddle with your personal things just like what you've told me. Akala ko kase alam mo na."
"I don't know anything. No one told me about that. What kind of issue am I involved with?" I looked around to make sure if someone's eavesdropping our conversation.
She sighed."I can't explain what kind of issue is it. Pero baka si Shael masabi niya---"
"S-Shael? He knew...what's going on?" gulat kong tanong sa kanya.
Nagtataka niya naman akong tiningnan."O-Oo...Kalat na 'yon sa internet kaya malamang alam na niya. Kung hindi niya sinabi sa'yo, pasensya na. Wala na akong alam do'n."
Pinakawalan ko na siya dahil mukhang nagmamadali na talaga siyang umalis. I bet she's just avoiding to say it. Ayaw niyang sabihin sa'kin ang tungkol sa issue ko. Like...she wants me to discover it by myself. Fine. If no one's going to tell me about it, then so be it.
'Look at Zeriel. Parang wala siyang pakialam sa issue niya ngayon. Ang taray!'
'Lahat nga ng trending na issue natatabunan niya na. Bagay nga kase 'di ba, she always wants to be on top'
'I wonder if she's going to the interview on Saturday. Parang mas na-excite ako na madaliin ang araw na 'yon'
I-Interview? Am I going to have an interview?
Nagmamadali akong pumunta sa locker ko para ibalik do'n ang iba ko pang mga libro. I didn't mind those students who are looking at me like I did a very big mistake. Nasanay naman na ako sa mga ganyang titig nila pero mas nadagdagan lang ang tensyon ngayon. And me, being so innocent again, doesn't know what's happening in my world.
I want to find a place where there's no one but me. Pero halos lahat ng lugar dito sa University, may mga nakatambay na. Even in the gazebo, music room, auditorium, court, hall, and library. They were all fully occupied! Ngayon pa na mas kailangan ko ng tahimik na lugar para makapag-isip nang maayos.
I had no choice but to go out and ditch my remaining two subjects. Bahala na kahit may attendance pa ang dalawang 'yon o may additional points sa present. This mess is the most important.
I stared at the pictures posted in all the social media displayed. Kaya pala ang lagkit ng tingin sa'kin ng lahat kahit na palagi naman silang gano'n sa'kin. I was used to their stares before because I know they were just insecure and jealous about me. But now, it's a different one. This issue might ruin the reputation I've been making up for a year and more.
Ano na lang ang mangyayari sa'kin? Babalik na naman sa umpisa na magsasayang ng maraming pawis at luha para lang maibalik ang lahat ng meron ako ngayon?
Hindi na ako bumalik sa University at dumeretso na sa entertainment namin. I noticed Caroline's missed calls on me so I went directly to her office. No'ng isang araw pa 'to pero hindi man lang ako nag-abalang buksan ang phone ko. I shouldn't have turned this off! Ugh. But it would definitely distract me from reviewing my final exam.
"See? Ngayon ka pa nagpakita sa'kin kung kailan ang laki na ng issue sa'yo. What do you think will happen next, huh?" bungad niya sa'kin nang makapasok ako.
I sat in front of her, not minding her crumby stares on me."I will lost everything on me. I know that. But I know there's still a way to fix it. Right?"
"A way to fix your mess?" She scoffed."Go to your interview on Saturday. It's the least that you can do."
"Kapag hindi gumana ang interview, may iba pa ba? Is there any other way?" I asked perplexity.
She sighed heavily before shrugging her shoulders."You chose to do it, Zeriel. Siguro naman inaasahan mo na rin na mangyayari ang bagay na 'to. Face it...with him."
"Why does it have to involve him? A-Ayokong pumunta ng interview na kasama siya. I-It will prove them right and---"
"Bakit? Hindi ba 'yon naman ang totoo? C'mon. Suko na ako sa pagiging mapagpanggap mo," she cut off my words.
I rolled my eyes heavenwards."We're dating, I admit it. Pero kahit na kaming dalawa, hindi pa namin ma-figure out kung ano talaga kami. I mean, he's courting me but---"
"Geez. I knew it. Pumatol ka talaga sa kanya. Though, it is your choice and I respect that," she said smilingly.
I glared at her."Can you stop cutting off my words, Carol?! You don't know what's on their minds. Baka kapag sinabi kong nanliligaw siya sa'kin, magkaroon sila ng maraming katanungang hindi ko masagot. I don't want to be on that spotlight."
"You can't run away from it, Zeriel. He brought you to that kind of spotlight so you have to stick on it."
Nang makarating ako sa tapat ng building kung nasaan ang condo ko, may maraming tao na nando'n. I stopped my car meters away from the building and saw medias all over the place. There were also reporters outside and the guards tried their best to stop them from entering.
They want to get some informations. Nalaman na rin pala nila kung saan ako laging nakatira. Bullshit.
I have no choice but to drive myself at home. May karapatan pa rin naman ako na pumunta sa bahay na 'yon dahil kalahati no'n ay sa'kin. Kung hindi lang ako nagka-problema, talagang hindi ako tatapak ulit sa bahay na 'yon. Though, I missed my sister, Scarlet.
Gusto kong iumpog ang ulo ko sa manibela nang makitang marami rin pa lang medias at reporters sa labas ng gate. Mom and that dumbass was outside to do their best so they couldn't enter the house. Scarlet was probably inside, watching those paparazzis mobbing our house. Tinatago niya ang sarili nila para walang makaalam kung sino siya. They knew me and what I can do if it happens. Madagdagdagan na naman ang issue ko, parami nang parami ang problema.
I was thankful that there's no one outside Lolo's house when I get there. Nagmamadali akong pumasok sa loob para walang makapansin sa'kin. When I entered inside, memories of grandpa flashed onto my mind. Naka-move on na ako sa pagkamatay niya pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang malungkot kapag naiisip kong hindi ko na siya makikita pa. Nakikita niya siguro ang kalagayan ko ngayon pero hindi ko naman maririnig ang mga paalala niya.
"Lo, can you whisper something to me? Just to make me feel comfortable even just a minute," I whispered, hoping that he could hear me.
Akala ko hindi totoo ang bagay na 'yon pero bigla ko na lang naramdaman na kumalma ako. I went to the kitchen when I felt hungry and searched for food to cook. I don't feel like eating sweet or fatty foods so I just cooked Molo Soup. Naalala ko kaseng sinabi ni Lolo sa'kin na paborito niya raw 'to. Kinwento niya kaseng naging favorite dish niya 'to dahil palagi siyang pinagluluto ni Lolo nito noon.
I smiled bitterly. I should have cooked this for him before he died. Natikman niya man lang sana ang recipe ko bago siya nawala. Baka siguro nai-compare niya ang luto ko kay Lola. I hope they were both happy wherever they are.
Someone knocked on the door so I immediately stood up to see who is it using the peephole. Who would've expected that he's going to come here after being discharged in the clinic. Sana nagpahinga na lang siya. The final exam will be tomorrow!
"What are you doing here? Final exam na bukas---"
"I came here to give you this. Nabalitaan ko kaseng hindi ka pumasok sa last two subjects mo kaya kumuha ako ng reviewer para sa'yo." He handed me a brown envelope but I just stared at it.
I swallowed hard to, holding the doorknob so tight."Hindi ko 'yan kailangan. Just go. Don't interfere with me anymore."
"Pwede ba tayong mag-usap? Kahit saglit lang? It's okay if you won't accept this but let me talk to you about something," he pleaded.
I didn't answer him and opened the door to let him in. Agad ko naman sinara at ni-lock ang pinto para masigurado ang kaligtasan namin. Baka mamaya may mga paparazzi sa tabi-tabi at biglang pumasok nang walang pahintulot. Who knows?
"Talk now. I'm giving you only 15 minutes and after that you can go," I said seriously.
He played his fingers, looking so nervous."S-Sinabi sa'kin ni Kat na alam mo na raw 'yong...tungkol sa issue mo. And you also know that I didn't bother to tell you."
"Yeah. What now? Sabihin mo nga sa'kin 'yong rason kung bakit mo 'yon ginawa?" I asked, calming my voice.
He lick his lower lip before answering."It will distract you that's why I hid it. Kahapon ko pa lang din nalaman kaya hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin sa'yo. I-I was also in struck that time."
"Kahit na! It was my issue---"
"I was also involved, Zeriel. Don't say that it was just on you because we're being put in the same situation," he cut off my words.
He's already standing in front of me right now. Is he pissed or what? Bakit siya pa 'tong naiinis eh mas malaki naman ang lugar ko sa issue na 'to. Wala namang mawawala sa kanya. Besides, its his fault for not telling me!
I scoffed."Who insisted to court me, huh? Sinong nag-aaya na lumabas palagi? Who wants to stay on my side even though we both have our own spotlight? Sino bang...nagsimula?"
"Fine. It's me. But it's not my intention to make this things happen. I always want to protect you---"
"I don't want to be protected by anyone! What do you think of me? A weakling? I shouldn't have tried this thing to work." I lower down my voice on the last statement.
Tinitigan niya ako nang may halong sakit."Y-Youre saying that...giving me a chance is a mistake? Nagsisi ka, gano'n ba?"
"Kung alam ko lang na ganito kalala ang mangyayari, umiwas na lang sana ako. This fucking feelings will ruin everything on me." Sinubukan kong hindi mautal sa mga salita ko.
W-Why is it hard to say things you wanted to let go?
Napatungo naman siya."Ginawa ko naman lahat para hindi 'yon kumalat. Even without your permission, I did it. Ayoko kaseng isipin mo 'yon ng sobra lalo na't malapit na ang exam mo."
"You think it's valid? Sabi mo nga tayong dalawa ang involve rito pero hindi mo naman sinabi sa'kin. You're so selfish! Akala mo naman maaayos ng ginagawa mo ang problemang 'to," singhal ko sa kanya.
He closed his eyes, trying to contain his emotions."At least, I did it for you. Hindi ko naman sinasabing magpasalamat ka sa ginawa ko pero sana naman, 'wag mo'kong pagalitan. Everything that I'm doing is only for you. H-Hindi mo man lang ba kayang i-appreciate ang bagay na 'yon?"
"How could I? Dahil sa ginawa mo, mas lalo lang lumala ang sitwasyon. The interview is on Saturday and we both have to show up or else it will be the end of me." I messed up my hair, getting frustrated now.
The day Saturday is supposed to be our date. But never! We have a problem to deal with. Ayoko na ring...makipag-date pa sa kanya.
He turned his back on me, hiding his face."Ayaw mo 'kong makasama sa interview, hindi ba? You don't want to walk in the crowd with me. Kinahihiya mo'ko kase...babaero ako. T-Tama ba?"
Hindi kaagad ako nakasagot sa sinabi niya. I was shock. I didn't expect him to say it. K-Kinahihiya ko ba siya? I-Is that what he's feeling whenever we're together?
"That's not what I meant to say. Hindi 'to tungkol sa---"
"D-Dont...Don't talk anymore. Naiintindihan ko na. Simula pa lang naman halata na, eh. You've never been happy with me. Puro hiya lang kase ang nararamdaman mo tuwing kasama mo'ko." He faked his laugh and looked away.
I put my tongue on the insides of my cheek."Wala akong sinabing ganyan. I think you should go now. Mag-usap na lang ulit tayo kapag hindi na mainit ang ulo natin pareho."
"It's okay. You can have time with yourself. Hindi na kita iistorbohin. And about your issue, you can handle with it if you want. Hindi na ako mangingialam. Let's not see each other to avoid having another issue between us." He didn't look at me before walking away.
Para akong napako sa kinatatayuan ko nang umalis siya. There's a part of me that wants to chase after him but there's another part that says I should stay here. Napagtanto ko ring mabuti ang pinili kong desisyon na 'wag siyang sundan.
Maybe it's better if we'll separate ways for now.
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