Request by: miameowwwz
Soobin had definitely noticed his change in behavior, he started feeling uneasy about things, his heart would beat really fast, his hands becoming sweaty and shaky.
At first he was afraid of this change, he thought he was sick, something was wrong with him, so he spoke to his manager without telling the rest of the boys.
Once he sat down with the manager and told him how he had been feeling, the manager instantly recognized the symptoms of anxiety disorder as many idols have or develop it. He arranged a meeting with a psychiatrist to hold a consultation with soobin and recommend something for him.
Soobin was nervous about seeing the man, he wasn't one who did well one on one with strangers and he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with his anxiety out loud with anyone.
Still, he knew in the long run going to see the specialist would benefit him, so he woke up early on their off day and went to his appointment.
His left leg bounced up and down as he sat in the brightly lit waiting room of the office, the chairs were somewhat comfortable, but the building was uncomfortably quiet.
"Choi Soobin?" a woman called from the door.
He stood up and handed her the clipboard containing the paperwork he had filled out when he first signed in.
"hello, you will be seeing Dr. So this morning, please take a seat in here." She smiled as she directed soobin to the room.
He sat in the chair feeling like he was in the principles office back in high school. He crossed his legs and folded his hands in his lap and bit his lip.
Soon enough a woman came in and friendly introduced herself.
She asked him his symptoms and a bunch of diagnostic questions to deem what his condition was.
After some evaluation, she diagnosed soobin with general anxiety disorder.
Soobin was disappointed to find out he had a mental illness but was glad it wasn't something worse.
The woman was very kind as she explained his options for treatment. Since soobin wasn't showing signs of outbursts, insomnia, or any type of harm to himself or others, she recommended he start talking to a therapist to start off and possibly switch to meds in the future if need be.
Soobin agreed with her suggestion not wanting to have to take medication if he didn't need it.
She wrote down the name and number of a therapist who had closely worked with other celebrities before in order to help soobin stay discreet with his treatment.
When he got home after his evaluation, he was feeling bittersweet. He didn't want to have to deal with his anxiety thinking it would slow him down or cause issues for the group, but he also really wanted to start feeling better as soon as he could.
He removed his shoes by the door and hung up his keys greeting the others who were scattered about the dorm.
Yeonjun walked up to him wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close planting a sweet kiss on his cheek.
"hi baby, how was the meeting with the manager? He called you in so early did you get in trouble for something?"
Soobin smiled softly at yeonjun and shook his head.
"no jun, they wanted to discuss some promotional plan since I'm the leader, it wasn't much just some basic stuff really." Soobin really hated lying, especially to his boyfriend but he really did not want them to know about his anxiety or the fact that he would be seeing a therapist for it.
Yeonjun nodded smiling at soobin.
"well I'm glad you're back, I missed you binnie." Yeonjun whined nuzzling into the crook of soobin's neck.
Soobin chuckled and brought yeonjun's head up. he leaned in and kissed him sweetly. Yeonjun kissing back a smile on his lips.
"yuck. Get a room you two!" beomgyu yelled from the living room.
The two eldest laughed, yeonjun sticking his tongue out at beomgyu.
"aish leave them alone beomgyu-hyung, you're just jealous you're still single." Taehyun said flatly as he flipped through TV channels, kai laying across his lap half asleep.
"I am not!" beomgyu defended crossing his arms and glaring at taehyun.
The boys laughed before they all went about enjoying their day off.
Soobin and yeonjun were cuddled up on the recliner watching TV when soobin's phone rang.
He read the name and quickly got off the chair.
Yeonjun pouted as soobin removed his arms from him and stood up.
"sorry jun, I have to take this." Soobin said quickly before disappearing into the hall.
Yeonjun huffed sadly before turning back to the t.v.
"relax hyung, he'll be right back." beomgyu said.
"I know, just, he's been gone all morning, and this is our one full day off this week. He should stop working so much."
In the hall soobin quietly answered the phone.
"hello?"
"hello! Is this Choi Soobin?" it was a man's voice, friendly and cheery.
"yes sir."
"hello! I'm Dr. kang Jungwan, I received a call from Dr. So to give you a call and set up an appointment."
"ah yes."
"perfect, so I understand you are currently an idol so I know your schedule will be crazy. You just tell me what day works for you and we will go from there."
"um, well next week I'm free from four to seven on Wednesday."
"great, how does 5:30 on Wednesday sound?"
"that works for me."
"awesome. Okay so I put you in for then, please if anything changes just let me know so we can reschedule, I completely understand how hectic idol life is so don't worry if times change or anything alright?"
"alright sir, thank you."
"of course soobin. I will see you on Wednesday then. Have a great day."
"you too."
Soobin let go of a breath he didn't realize he was holding in as he hung up, his hands were kinda shaky but otherwise he felt okay.
He returned to the living room and sat back with yeonjun.
"everything okay hon?" yeonjun asked.
"yeah, just, I have a meeting on Wednesday, so I have to leave after practice."
"aw bin...another meeting?"
"yeah...hybe is planning some projects and their gathering the leaders of all the groups to discuss."
Yeonjun layed his head on soobin's shoulder.
"you work too hard."
Soobin smiled placing a kiss on the top of his head.
"I won't be long junnie, I promise I'll come back and cuddle you all night okay?"
Yeonjun's eyes lit up. he sat up and looked at soobin.
"you promised. No backing out of that."
Soobin chuckled nodding his head.
"I promise yeonjun." He said holding his pinky out.
Yeonjun interlocked their pinkies and pressed their thumbs together.
The rest of he week was the same it always is, dance practices, recording sessions, photoshoots, tiktoks, interviews, etc.
Wednesday came quickly and soobin was super nervous about his first session. He was afraid of feeling uncomfortable, being all alone with the stranger and telling him very personal things.
He was acting a little off at practice and yeonjun decided to try and make him feel better.
He came up to soobin and gave him a soft back hug, his arms firmly wrapped around his waist.
"what's on your mind love?"
Soobin smiled placing his hands on top of yeonjun's and leaned back into his embrace.
"nothing jun, just tired."
Yeonjun pressed a soft kiss to soobin's shoulder.
"you should sleep more, my binnie needs to be well rested."
Soobin chuckled and turned around to face yeonjun.
"I'm okay jun, I'm feeling more energized already, just seeing you is all I need to recharge." He smiled softly booping yeonjun's nose.
Yeonjun's cheeks went pink, and he smiled shyly.
"binnie, don't say things like that."
Soobin chuckled at his flustered boyfriend.
"aww is yeonjunnie embarrassed?" he teased pointing to his fiery red ears.
"soobinnnnn" yeonjun whined.
"okay, okay, I'll stop teasing." Soobin said softly as he played with yeonjun's hair.
His phone dinged and he checked the time.
"aish, I have to go now junnie."
"okay baby. Hurry back okay?"
Soobin bent down and pecked yeonjun's lips quickly.
"see you later junnie."
He smiled and grabbed his back before leaving the room.
He met his therapist for the first time. He was a classically handsome man in his mid-thirties. He had floppy brown hair and wore circle framed glasses. He greeted soobin warmly with a gentle handshake and big smile.
Soobin took a seat in his office on the comfy couch. His office was very cozy, warm yellow lamps lighting up the room instead of the hospital-like LEDs in the ceiling. He had posters with motivational messages on them and soft music playing on low volume in the background.
"so Soobin, it's great to finally meet you please let me know if there is anything I can do to make the room, or make you feel more comfortable."
"ah it's great to meet you too, thank you." soobin felt slightly awkward.
The man smiled at him reassuringly.
"don't worry, this isn't going to be anything stressful for you. I'm here to talk to you, and more importantly, to listen to you. I'm here to guide you, not instruct you."
Soobin nodded softly.
"so to start tell me about how you've been feeling."
Soobin took a breath and sat up In his seat.
"well...I've noticed that I've been getting anxious way more often then I used to, especially during the last few months."
The man nodded writing something down.
"and tell me what happens when you feel anxious."
"I, I get kinda shaky...my heart beats really fast and I get kinda sweaty. Sometimes I feel breathless or overwhelmed and I can get overly upset about stuff."
"all of those are very common symptoms associated with general anxiety disorder. Tell me, have you ever had an anxiety or panic attack?"
"um, once or twice..."
"and what was the cause of those if you don't mind me asking."
"the...the first one was before my debut stage...I was really nervous and it just kinda happened out of nowhere, the second one happened after I got yelled at by our choreographer because I screwed up a dance move a few times."
"it sounds to me like attacks tend to happen when you're overly stressed."
Soobin nodded.
"all your symptoms are very common soobin, and despite them happening more frequently, your anxiety seems to be manageable without medication for now. I usually do not recommend medication unless a patient needs it."
Soobin sighed softly.
"now, all of the medical terminology away, tell me about yourself. How is your relationship with the other members?"
"great. Me and the boys have a very strong relationship, we are essentially family." Soobin smiled softly thinking about the boys.
Dr. Kang smiled.
"and you are in a romantic relationship with Choi Yeonjun right?"
Soobin nodded.
"how is that going? Are you two doing well?"
Soobin smiled picturing yeonjun's face.
"we are perfect. Me and yeonjun couldn't have a stronger relationship really."
"that's great to hear soobin. Do they know you are coming to see me today?"
Soobin's smile fell.
"why didn't you tell them?" jungwan asked softly.
"I just didn't want them to worry, i...I'm new to this therapy thing and I don't want them to treat me differently."
Jungwan smiled.
"hey soobin."
Soobin looked up meeting his kind eyes.
"that's okay. It is your choice to tell someone about your mental heath and how you choose to treat it. You don't ever need to feel pressured to talk about it however I will tell you I don't think your members would think any less of you if you told them. I believe they would support you without judgment."
Soobin nodded softly.
The rest of the appointment was spent getting to know each other a bit more and discuss potential coping mechanisms and future plans for treatment before the appointment was over.
As soobin left the building he felt a little relieved. He liked his therapist, and he was excited to start feeling better.
His meetings continued for a few weeks, him seeing jungwan anytime he had a free day or a window to fit in an appointment.
While soobin was starting to feel better, yeonjun was starting to worry.
"hyung relax, he's just busy." Taehyun said to yeonjun.
"but he's been going out so much, he's never home on our off-days anymore, I feel like something's going on."
"I'm sure soobin-hyung just has a lot of projects from the company hyungie." Kai said smiling softly at yeonjun.
"maybe just ask him hyung. Soobin isn't one to lie."
Yeonjun nodded.
That night yeonjun waited till soobin came out of the shower and came into their bedroom. He sat down on the bed and began drying his hair with his towel but yeonjun got on his knees behind him and took the towel from his hands.
"jun?"
"let me dry your hair for you binnie." Yeonjun said softly.
Soobin smiled letting yeonjun gently rub the towel over his damp locks.
"how was your day baby?" yeonjun asked.
"it was okay, really busy."
"um bin?"
"yeah baby?"
Yeonjun bit his lip and put the towel down.
Soobin turned around and faced him.
"what is it love?" soobin asked softly taking yeonjun's hands into his.
"just...where have you been going lately?"
Soobin felt his heart stop for a second.
"what do you mean?"
"well, I wanted to bring you some lunch earlier, so I went down to the conference room but, nobody was there."
"aw jun, I'm sorry baby, the manager took us out to a café, I should've texted you I'm sorry."
Yeonjun smiled softly.
"it's okay binnie...sorry I guess I'm just being paranoid..."
"hey junnie, baby you have nothing to be paranoid about. I'm just working, the promotional meetings will end soon and then I'm all yours."
Yeonjun smirked slightly looking deeply into soobin's eyes.
"you mean it?"
Soobin raised yeonjun's hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss to it.
"I promise baby."
Yeonjun smiled leaning into hug soobin resting his head on his shoulder.
"I love you yeonjun." Soobin whispered in his ear.
"I love you too soobin." Yeonjun said back pressing a few kisses to soobin's shoulder.
Things were going well. Soobin had gotten closer to jungwan, and they had started to meet up in other locations, one of them being this cozy little park by the hybe building. Soobin and jungwan both enjoyed nature and decided to start taking walks while they talked. It seemed to help soobin but also made jungwan happy as well.
Since soobin was out again, yeonjun decided to ask the boys to hang out with him.
Taehyun and kai politely declined but beomgyu agreed to go with him as he was extremely bored at the dorms.
"it's such a nice day today let's do something outside." Yeonjun said.
"okay! There's a park nearby, we could walk around the pond and look at all the animals!" beomgyu said feeling excited.
Yeonjun smiled and agreed.
They walked down the street and entered the park smiling at the bright green grass and dense trees around the area.
They began their walk, chatting and joking around as they walked.
After some time, they had turned down the path but yeonjun suddenly stopped making beomgyu stop and look at him confused.
"what?"
"is...is that...soobin?" yeonjun said pointing towards two people sitting on a bench.
"what? No it can't be, he's at that meeting with manager-nim." Beomgyu said in disbelief.
Yeonjun took a few steps closer and gasped.
"it is soobin! What...what is he doing here? And...who is that?!"
Beomgyu looked in the direction and saw the handsome man with soobin, them sitting close together and talking, soft smiles on their faces.
"that doesn't look like anyone I've seen at the company hyung..." beomgyu said sadly.
Yeonjun felt his heart break, utter shock and disbelief on his face.
"how could he..." tears welled in his eyes and beomgyu could see him getting upset.
"let's go hyung." Beomgyu said as he softly gripped yeonjun's shoulders.
Yeonjun took one more glance before he covered his face and let beomgyu lead him out of the park.
Kai and taehyun were startled when beomgyu entered the dorm with a crying yeonjun under his arm.
"what happened? Is everything okay?" taehyun asked as they ran up to the two.
"here yeonjun-hyung, let's go sit down okay?" beomgyu said to the eldest before turning back to taehyun and kai.
"we saw soobin in the park with another man."
Both boys gasped.
"what!?"
"they were close to each other, smiling and laughing and the guy is definitely not from the company...."
"how could soobin do something like that?" taehyun said feeling angry.
"yeonjun's very upset about it." Beomgyu said.
They all went over to the couch and sat with yeonjun who was sobbing into his palms.
"aish junnie-hyung I'm so so sorry...I can't believe soobin would do something like that." Kai said softly rubbing yeonjun's arm.
"I just...I knew something was going on...i...I feel so stupid for trusting him!" he sobbed painfully, heartbreak and anger lacing his shaky voice.
Beomgyu hugged him tight rubbing his back.
"shhhh, shhhh, hyungie it's not your fault, soobin is the one who broke your trust, soobin is the one who hurt you..."
Yeonjun just cried in beomgyu's arms until he couldn't muster up enough energy to produce any more tears.
After an hour, soobin came home. The dorm was weirdly quiet, and the tension was high.
"hey guys, I'm home!" he called from the doorway as the living room and kitchen were empty.
He heard footsteps and then saw beomgyu standing in front of him, an angry and disappointed expression on his face.
"gyu?" soobin said puzzled.
"don't call me that."
Soobin's eyes went wide at the venomous tone of the younger.
"woah, hey beomgyu what's wrong?"
"are you seriously asking me that?"
Soobin had never been talked to like that by his dongsaeng. He slowly approached beomgyu worried something was wrong with him.
"beomgyu...help me understand, why are you so upset?"
"you know what you did soobin."
Soobin was so confused.
"beom, is this a prank or something?"
"do you see me laughing soobin?"
"well, then tell me what I did so I can understand!" soobin was feeling frustrated and confused. His heartbeat already increasing as his stress levels rose.
Beomgyu glared before a door opened from the hall and a messy haired, swollen eyed yeonjun came into the hall.
Beomgyu stopped him before he got any closer to soobin.
"are you sure you wanna see him hyung? I can send him away for you." beomgyu said softly rubbing yeonjun's shoulder.
"jun? baby what's going on?" soobin asked yeonjun feeling even more concerned than before.
Yeonjun hesitantly raised his eyes to meet soobin's.
He nodded to beomgyu and stepped up to his boyfriend.
"junnie...baby please tell me what's going on, you're scaring me." soobin said reaching out to cup yeonjun's cheek.
Yeonjun flinched away.
"don't touch me soobin."
Soobin was instantly hurt. he retracted his hand and looked at yeonjun.
"i...I just...why did you do it?" yeonjun asked feeling his eyes well up.
"what?"
"was...was I not good enough? Did...did I do something wrong? Why wouldn't you just talk to me if something wasn't working out!?" yeonjun screamed as tears fell down his face.
"yeonjun...baby what are you talking about?!"
"you cheated on me!" he screamed.
Soobin's eyes went wide.
"what!?"
"I saw you!! I saw you with that...that guy...at the park soobin..."
Soobin knew what yeonjun was talking about now and he felt like the biggest idiot in the world for not telling him about his therapist.
He took a step towards yeonjun.
"baby, baby listen to me, it's not what you think! Baby just let me explain."
Beomgyu stepped up pulling yeonjun away from soobin.
"don't try to deny it soobin. We saw you."
"beom, I swear, it's not what you guys think."
"just...just stop soobin." Yeonjun choked.
"i...I never wanna see you again...."
Tears filled soobin's eyes.
"junnie- "
"go."
Soobin couldn't believe this was happening. If only he had told his boyfriend about his anxiety. If only he had said something than he wouldn't be sobbing into his knees in the Hybe lobby feeling absolutely crushed.
He couldn't go home, beomgyu would just throw him out again they wouldn't listen no matter how hard he tried.
He had been there for around an hour; it was getting dark outside and most of the staff had left leaving just the security by the doors.
As he sat there feeling awful, he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.
"soobin-ah?"
He looked up, his eyes bright red and swollen.
"j...Jin sunbaenim?" he whimpered seeing his senior.
"I thought that was you, what's wrong? What are you doing down here?" jin knelt down to be eye level with soobin.
"s...sunbae..." his voice cracked, more tears coming to his eyes.
"come here soobin." Jin said softly opening his arms.
Soobin slowly pushed himself into jin's arms pressing his face to his chest.
"talk to me buddy, what happened?"
"y...yeonjun...he...he broke up with me..." he cried miserably into jin's hoodie.
Jin's eyes went wide, and he instantly felt sympathy for the younger. He ran his fingers through soobin's hair.
"oh soobiniie...I'm so sorry. What happened? Did he say why?"
Soobin burst into a loud sob making jin's heart ache. He pressed soobin's head further into his chest and hushed him gently.
"he...he thinks I cheated on him..."
Jin was shocked by soobin's answer.
"why would he think that binnie?"
Soobin cried hard into jin's chest feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once. His breaths hitched and his heart was beating rapidly in his chest.
"soobin-ah I'm sorry. I won't make you talk about it, it's okay binnie." Jin cooed softly feeling bad for making soobin more upset.
"bin-ah take a deep breath, try to calm down for me." jin coached softly as he took in some deep breaths for soobin to follow.
Soobin took a few deep breaths and calmed slightly in jin's hold.
"do you want to come back to the dorms with me?"
Soobin nodded against his chest.
"okay, come with me binnie."
Jin helped stand soobin up and took him back to his own dorm.
The rest of bts were surprised to see jin return with a crying choi soobin under his arm.
"woah! Soobin-ah? What happened?" Jungkook said as the oldest walked in and sat soobin down on the couch.
"kook, can you please get soobin a glass of water please." Jin said ignoring his question.
Jungkook nodded and rushed into the kitchen to get the water.
He gave it to soobin, and they all sat near him waiting for him to calm down.
"it's my fault he thinks that sunbae..." soobin said sadly.
Jin placed his hand on soobin's leg.
"why would you say that binnie?"
"i...I started going to therapy...i...I was diagnosed with anxiety last month..." he started softly, his hands shaking.
The boys were instantly by his side listening to him.
"oh binnie...we're so sorry." Namjoon said softly.
"i...I started seeing this man...his name is Dr. Kang...and it's been helping me a lot.... i.. i didn't tell the guys because...I was afraid...I thought they'd start to act different around me...treat me differently."
Suga nodded in understanding.
"i...I was out with dr. kang at the park since being outside helps calm me down and...i...I guess yeonjun saw us...he...he thought I was cheating on him..."
"can't you just tell him that?" Jimin asked softly.
"I tried...but...they just kicked me out when I tried to explain..."
"aish...soobin-ah we are so sorry..." jin said softly.
"don't worry bin, tomorrow we'll make this right again." Namjoon said.
"you can sleep here tonight binnie, everything will be okay I promise."
Soobin slept in the bts dorm and the next day jin, woke him up after letting him sleep in for a while.
He led soobin to the txt dorms, his hand gripping soobin's hand tight as he knocked.
Kai answered the door and his eyes widened seeing jin.
"s.. sunbae?"
"can we come in please hyuka."
Kai nodded opening the door and let jin and soobin in.
The rest of the members came in angry to see soobin and surprised to see jin.
"sunbae? What are you doing here?" beomgyu asked glaring at soobin.
"boys, sit down please."
They did.
Jin slowly led soobin over and they all sat on the couch.
"I want you to listen to soobin's side of the story."
"but sunbae he-
"just listen to him first before you jump to conclusions."
They all nodded and turned to soobin.
Soobin took a shaky breath and turned to yeonjun.
"yeonjun...I didn't cheat on you. I would never ever cheat on you junnie..." he already felt tears come to his eyes.
"if you weren't cheating then, then who was that guy soobin? Why have yo been lying to us for the past few weeks, why have you been sneaking off?"
Soobin took another breath.
"he's...he's my...my therapist..."
The room went dead silent for a second.
"what?" yeonjun said.
"his name is Dr. Kang Jungwan, he's my therapist...i...I've been seeing him for a few weeks for...for anxiety..."
All the boys instantly felt terrible for accusing soobin.
"soobin...oh my god...binnie I'm so sorry!" yeonjun said quickly scooting to soobin and hugging him tight.
Soobin started to cry a mixture of relief and fear settling in his brain.
"aish binnie...why wouldn't you tell me you were going to therapy? I would've stopped asking you all those questions all the time and been there to support you..."
Soobin sniffled clutching yeonjun tight.
"i...I was afraid you all would look at me differently..."
"binnie...binnie we would never do that." Yeonjun said holding soobin as close as he could.
"i...I got diagnosed with general anxiety disorder last month and...manager nim helped me get a therapist to talk to...he...he had been helping me a lot so...I kept going...I'm...I'm sorry I didn't tell you and...and I hurt you yeonjun."
"shhhh, shhhh, no binnie, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm so sorry for accusing you binnie...I feel like such a jerk..."
"it's okay yeonjun...I just want us to be okay again...can...can we please get back together junnie?"
Yeonjun felt a tear slide down his cheek.
"of course soobiniie!" yeonjun said squeezing him tight.
"soobin-hyung..." beomgyu said quietly.
Soobin looked up at beomgyu.
"hyung...hyung I'm so sorry for kicking you out...and for talking to you like that...i...I should never have done that." Beomgyu hung his head in shame followed by taehyun and kai.
"guys, it's okay, please stand up, 'm not upset with you...I understand you guys."
They reluctantly stood back up and rushed over to hug soobin.
"boys, next time something happens you need to talk it out with each other, no more shunning like this do you understand?"
Jin said speaking in a parental tone.
"yes sunbae, we promise to never do this again."
Jin smiled softly ruffling beomgyu's hair.
"are you guys all good now?"
They nodded.
"okay, I'm going to head back home then, you boys be good."
Bye sunbae, thank you for everything." Soobin said smiling gratefully at jin.
Jin got up and left leaving the boys.
"soobiniie, please remember that I'm here for you, we all are. If you have a problem or are going through something you can always come talk to us about it. None of us would ever treat you differently, that's' a promise."
Soobin nodded tearfully.
"aish binnie, baby I'm so sorry for breaking up with you...please forgive me baby."
Soobin smiled softly pressing their foreheads together.
"of course I forgive you yeonjun."
Yeonjun smiled softly placing both his hands on soobin's cheeks.
"I love you so much binnie."
Soobin leaned in and connected their lips sweetly.
Yeonjun kissed back.
When they broke apart they collided into anothertight hug relief washing over all of them.