Jean sat in Eren's room, biding his time by reading through his Führer Quartettspiel. Each card had a picture of Adolf Hitler with facts about his life. One card mentioned that he was a hero of the Great War, a fighter for the common man, an idealist, an artist, a prophet, dedicating his entire life to raising his country out of the muddy trenches of the last war and into a future where Germany would be the most powerful economy in the world. He loved dogs, especially his dog Blondi. In fact, Hitler loved animals so much, he refused to eat meat. Although he was unmarried, Hitler loved children, and there were a set of cards showing how he bolstered the failing education system and created Hitler Youth.
Jean was just old enough to have joined Hitler Youth when it first began. He remembered those days fondly: getting out of the city, camping, fishing, learning to survive on one's own, and even learning how to shoot a gun. The first time Jean touched a rifle was in Hitler Youth. He had been awful at first, far better at tracking than marksmanship, but he managed to get better.
Some of the boys in his troop were merely there to get away from abusive parents and make friends. Jean joined because he saw the girls in Bund Deutscher Mädel flirting with the boys in uniform.
That was a good reason to join!
He liked Hitler Youth, it was a bright highlight of his later childhood, but if he had to admit, he placed less emphasis on the military preparation and more on seeing how many girls would bed him. After all, there was a reason they were nicknamed "Bund Deutscher Matratzen" (The League of German Mattresses).
He thought back again to Eren's box full of badges. Eren obviously had no interest in the League of German Girls. Jean would almost think that he joined to see the boys in uniform, but all of those badges showed otherwise. Eren took his challenges seriously. Jean bet, when Eren first shot a rifle, he had not stood shaken at the recoil or covered his ears at the explosions like so many of the boys did in his troop. Eren probably grabbed that rifle and hit a bull's eye the first time.
He had been taught in school that homosexual men were weak, lazy, and effeminate. Eren proved otherwise.
Jean realized, he had been lied to about Romani, and he had been lied to about homosexuals. He was also told that Jews were selfish cowards who were naturally weaker and stupider than true humans, but as he glanced at the bed, knowing that the man hiding under there had bravely exposed his identity to save Eren, climbed four flights of stairs with a broken foot to follow him, and then fought an armed attacker with just a knife to protect Eren's life, he knew that the Nazi propaganda about Jews also was a lie.
Just how many lies had he been taught in school?
"Jean!"
He jumped up at Eren's voice, rushed to the door, and pulled the chair away. "Took you a while."
"I had to run an errand." Eren stepped in, now holding a pair of crutches, and shut the door, wedging the chair up against it. "Any news on getting that fixed?"
"They just keep saying sometime today."
Eren threw off his rain-dusted coat and cap. "I swear, the world is trying to turn against me, and if I don't fight back at every step, it'll win."
"Did Armin come up with a plan?"
"Yes, but I don't want to explain it here." He heard stomping feet overhead and glanced at the ceiling.
"Yeah, they've been doing a lot of work up there all morning."
"They're carrying boxes up and down the main staircase, trying to empty out the attic before they board it up. Armin and Floch are downstairs trying to stop them."
"Why stop them? You of all people should want that attic secure."
"I do. Just not today."
Jean pouted. "It has something to do with your plan, doesn't it?"
"Wie gesagt, darüber reden wir hier nicht." As I said, we're not talking about that here. Eren walked over to the bed and whispered in English, "How are you doing under there?"
"I seriously have to pee," Levi grumbled.
"I brought you crutches, so I don't have to hold you steady again. We also have a plan, but it'll go to hell if the hotel boards up the attic." He set the crutches on the ground by the bed. "Wait until I'm outside. You have until I finish my cigarette." Eren then turned to Jean. "Ich bin gleich wieder da." I'll be right back.
Eren grabbed an ashtray and left the room to smoke in the hallway. He watched the maintenance room a little down the corridor, with men carrying items out of the tiny room, barely squeezing crates through the door at times.
When he, Armin, and Floch arrived at the hotel, they saw the commotion. Eren recognized the maintenance man named Ralph and asked him what was going on. He had replied that the Gestapo ordered that the attic be boarded up before nightfall, so they were scrambling to get all important supplies out, not only because they would not be able to grab spare furniture when they needed it, but also because some of the items in that attic were antiques, and if there was a battle coming, they should be stored somewhere safer, preferably outside of the city.
Their group knew that boarding up the attic would ruin their plan, so Armin quickly asked if there were leaks. The man looked stunned, and Eren had swiftly added about the leak he and Ralph discovered just that Sunday. That was when the hotel's owner, a man named Djel Sannes, came forward and asked in broken German if there was a problem.
Floch proved his quickness in a game of wits, as he immediately explained in French that there was a leak in the attic, and—as he explained later—he claimed that Eren was upset that the leak was still not fixed, and that they still needed to fix his door. He really got into his role as a loyal adjutant, getting enraged on Eren's behalf and yelling in French, sometimes breaking into German where the timing worked, especially when he accused the hotel of perhaps working with the enemy since they had left Eren's door so damaged it could not close.
"What if the enemy poisons his sheets? What if they steal his uniform, or his gun? If we had not left an officer to guard that room, you could all be guilty of treason!"
For Eren, watching the way Armin swiftly worked with Floch's theatrics made him so proud, it was hard to keep from smiling, and sometimes he bit back laughter at Floch over-dramatizing the situation.
It worked. The Djel was mad at Ralph for not telling him about the leak. That would have to be patched before they could fully board up the attic. Now they had to tell the Gestapo that it would be another day before the attic was secure.
Floch and Armin offered to stay and help them to explain this clearly to the Gestapo, and Armin urged Eren to get upstairs before any agents arrived. The last thing they wanted was to have them question Eren again, or think that delaying the attic was his idea.
Eren took his time smoking, watching as whispers were beginning to spread among the crew. Those coming upstairs brought news of a delay. Although they were speaking in French, Eren saw the confusion and frustration on their faces.
Good. Any delay helped.
He heard the toilet flush and listened closer while still looking like he was simply enjoying a cigarette in the hallway. Some officer down the opposite hall left his room and nodded to Eren, who tipped his head in silent greeting. That was all.
Then he heard Jean on the other side of the door. "You can re-enter."
Eren crushed out his cigarette and went back inside. Jean did not look happy, and Eren did not blame him. All of this was dangerous, it was illegal, and anyone connected could get sent straight to a concentration camp.
"You know," Jean said, narrowing his eyes at Eren, "I used to think you were the hope of all Germany."
Eren froze. Was Jean actually turning against him?
"I realize now, I was right. You are the sort of man Germany needs..." He slowly shook his head with a frown. "...but you are not the sort of man Germany wants."
Eren's head slowly sank, knowing he was right. Still, it hurt to hear that. "I'm not the sort of man Nazis want. Germany used to be different." He smiled with wistful hope. "It could be different again."
Jean pouted silently, doubting things would ever go back to how it was in the Weimar Republic, with beer halls just for homosexuals, their own magazines, cabaret shows, and even hospitals where a person's sexual anatomy could be altered.
Then again, the future was unknowable.
Jean glanced at the streaks of rain on the window. "At least it's doubtful the Americans will attack in this storm," he muttered. "It gives us some time."
Eren looked up in surprise. Gives us some time. "Then, you'll continue to help?"
"I've followed you through the trenches this far. Why stop?"
"Good," Eren sighed, "because the next part is vital and relies on you."
"Hey, I'll help but..."
"I need you to have sex with one of Carly's girls."
Jean froze and stared incredulously, but Eren looked serious. "Okay," he agreed. "How will that help?"
"I told you, I don't want to discuss it..."
A fist hit the door, knocking it a little forward. "Oberleutnant Jäger? We're here to fix your door."
"And that is why." Eren strode to the entrance and moved the chair away from the door. Two men were there, one with some planks of wood and a new door leaning against the wall. "Good. Make it quick."
"Yes, sir! Will you be leaving while we work?"
"No." Eren walked over to the bed and took a seat. "I will wait until you finish. Jean, Armin is downstairs. He wants to speak with you."
Jean nodded, realizing it would be Armin to explain everything.
Eren picked up a book and began to read it as the maintenance men hammered the door in place. He sometimes shot glares at the men, making sure they did not enter his room any more than they needed to. He also saw some officers stroll over to glance at the work being done.
Eren was admittedly impressed with how quickly they took off the broken door and frame, and installed a new one. Then Djel Sannes, the hotel owner, came forward himself.
"I apologize for the inconvenience, lieutenant," he said, feigning humility, when Eren could clearly see that he was not happy that these Germans had destroyed part of his hotel.
"How long will the noise in the attic last?"
"Well, we're looking into that leak you mentioned. The roofer can't be here until tomorrow. We will board up the window and a few of the individual rooms, but we might need to continue the work tomorrow."
"You should start with the rooms closest to the attic window. That is where the intruder came in, after all." Eren said that, since his room was farther down. With any luck, they would not get to his hatch until the next day.
"I will pass that suggestion on to the carpenters. Good day, sir." Then he rushed off.
Eren shut the door and locked it. Just that much made him feel secure.
"Well, that's over." He did not hear anything from Levi, so he walked over to the bed and dropped down to look under. "Do you want to come up now?"
"Not really," Levi admitted, sick of all this and not wanting to push his luck any further.
"We have a plan. Jean is going to get one of Madame Carly's girls. Armin has a wig that she will wear when she comes here. Jean will make sure enough people see her. Then before dawn, you'll climb through the attic to his room, dress in her clothes, wear the wig, and Jean and I will help you to get down the stairs."
"Where am I going?"
"Yelena."
Levi groaned, hating the idea of being stuck in that dirty, dim, abandoned sewer again.
"I met her at Madame Carly's brothel." He frowned and grumbled, "She insulted me for allowing you to get hurt and suggested she's better at protecting you."
"Fuck her!" Levi wiggled his way out from under the bed, flinching whenever his foot moved a little wrong, until he was sitting on the floor beside Eren. His hand went over and landed on top of Eren's. "I came here because I trust you. I would much rather be with you than her." Levi hesitated, but mumbled, "I came here because I missed you."
Eren glanced over, amazed he would admit to that.
"I wanted to spend Rosh Hashanah with you. Now I get to spend the end of High Holy Days with you as well."
"Is today another holiday?" Eren asked in excitement.
"Starting at sunset. It's called Yom Kippur."
"Oh! I've heard of that one," Eren said in excitement. "Tell me about it."
"It's the Day of Atonement, when God looks at how we've asked for forgiveness, cast away our sins, tried to make amends with people around us, and on this day he forgives us and purifies us for the upcoming year."
"So," Eren said, looking like a giddy boy, "do you eat anything good?"
"What? No!" He sighed, realizing that Eren knew nothing about his religion, so he should not snap at him. "Actually, we fast."
"Fast? Quick?"
"No. We don't eat."
"Oh, Fasten," he realized. "So, you don't eat at all? That sounds like a terrible holiday, worse than Lent."
"It's just for one day. We try to draw closer to God through fasting, because angels don't eat or drink, so by not eating, we are more like angels. Or something like that," he muttered. "We don't eat or drink from sunset until the following sunset."
"That sounds awful. Why would you do such a thing?"
This time, Levi did snap. "It's in the Bible! Look it up!"
Eren backed off, not wanting to insult his beliefs. Still, a heavy blanket of regret fell over him. He mumbled, "Our last night, and we can't even have dinner together."
Levi hated that sadness in his face, but he knew he had to tell Eren everything. "It's more than that. On Yom Kippur, we do not eat or drink, we do not wear leather shoes, the worst part is we're not allowed to wash or bathe," he said with a sneer of annoyance, "and ... and sex is forbidden."
Eren was stunned at the bluntness of his statement, but it slowly sank into him. "Oh..."
"Yeah," Levi whispered.
They both had wanted to get intimate before leaving, to have one wild night without inhibitions. That was not possible now.
"I mean ... is it just ... if it's ... if you can't have sex, we're not..."
"No, I mean any form of intimacy."
"Can I at least kiss you?"
"To be honest, I don't know if kissing counts. When I celebrated with Petra, we didn't kiss, but the rules are stricter for husbands and wives. Our Jewish friends in town didn't even sleep in the same bed together on Yom Kippur."
Eren grimaced as this sounded worse and worse, like this was one final punch in the gut from fate. "Scheiße! And it has to be today? Can't you delay it a day?"
"No! It's Yom Kippur. It's only one day, and it's the holiest day of the year for Jews. Can you delay Christmas?"
Eren gave a small shrug. "We can have a Christmas party on the weekend."
"Well, this isn't like that!" Levi snapped. "It's only one day a year."
"Can't you ask for forgiveness later, like when you had to eat pork?"
Levi was starting to feel offended by Eren whining that he should give up this part of his religion. "The whole point of this is seeking atonement for your sins, stuff like eating pork and working on the sabbath and ... and all the shit that has happened this year." A dark shadow passed through his eyes. "This whole week, all of it—casting your sins into the water, reading the Torah, praying—all of that would be pointless if you don't show you mean it on this one day." Levi hung his head. "I'm a shitty Jew, but I at least respect Yom Kippur." He glanced up at Eren. "I know you were expecting ... something."
"Yeah..." Eren whispered. All those warm, sensual fantasies were melting away. Rather than give in to disappointment, Eren stiffened up. "Okay. So, what can I do to help? You probably need to eat now, ja? Before sunset?" Despite personal disappointment, if Levi wanted to spend this holiday with him—the holiest day of the year—then Eren wanted to support him in any way he could.
Levi was privately glad that Eren was not pressuring him; he was not sure if he was strong enough to resist him. "It's best to eat a large meal just before sunset, something to get you through the rest of the day."
"You've only had bread all day!" Eren realized, anguished that he had not at least gotten Levi some soup. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I've gone without food before. Besides, traditionally we eat a lot of bread. Particularly challah. We dip the bread in honey."
"We have plenty of bread, and I still have honey." Excited again, Eren rushed to bring the food over to the side of the bed and set it down on the rug for Levi. "Eat, eat!"
Levi smiled faintly at his enthusiasm. He took a roll, starting to go stale from sitting out all day, and opened the jar of honey. Silently, he said a little prayer, then dipped the bread. The honey dripped, golden and sweet. Levi carefully maneuvered the bread to get up all the honey, then took a bite.
Eren watched, and the pleasure on Levi's face thrilled him. "What else?"
"We're supposed to drink a lot so we don't dehydrate tomorrow."
"Tea!" Eren bolted again, getting the kettle on.
Levi's brow furrowed. After a couple of minutes, he whispered, "I'm sorry." As nice as it was to have Eren be supportive, he was still struck with guilt.
Eren shrugged it off with a smile. "Why be sorry? This is part of your religion. I get to spend at least part of this precious day with you." Eren poured out the tea, added sugar, and brought the cups over to the rug. "Maybe it's fate that we can spend this one last night together."
Levi merely hummed as he sipped some tea. One more night. He glanced out at the pouring rain. It was dismal, but it also shielded them. The American Army, who relied so heavily on airplanes and tanks, would not be able to bomb the city with such a bad storm overhead. He reached over, and their hands touched, no longer in nervous wonder, but the bitterness of realizing just how limited their time was.
"What time is it?" Levi whispered.
Eren glanced down at his wristwatch. "Eleven."
"When is sunset?"
"I'm not sure exactly. A bit after the eighteenth hour."
"So..." Levi's narrow eyes slowly lifted, and for a moment, Eren thought he knew how a mouse felt seeing a cat about to pounce. "...we have seven hours before all of that is forbidden."
A gulp caught in Eren's throat. He had been so focused on what would happen after sunset, he forgot to realize that they had half a day still.
"We should get you something to eat," Eren said softly, knowing that was not the sort of hungry look in Levi's eyes, especially as Levi's fingers began to slide up his wrist.
Levi leaned in closer. "What else?" he whispered, daring Eren to suggest it.
"We ... You ... could get a bath, before you're not allowed to wash."
Oh, how he wished he could freely assume it was we could get a bath and not you could, but Eren wondered if that was pushing his limits. By the tiny smirk in Levi's face, he could see that he knew precisely what he really wanted to say. Eren loosened his lips and closed his eyes, really hoping Levi would kiss him. He was so close!
Yet the kiss did not come when he thought it should, and his lips were left hanging.
"What are you doing to me, takhshet?"
Eren's eyes opened in surprise. What was wrong? Levi looked like he was suddenly reevaluating his whole life, and it made a sour pit open in Eren's stomach.
"First I followed you to this city rather than run while I had the chance, then I left the Resistance to come back here just because I missed you, then I followed you back up into this same damn room knowing I would be stuck here, then I fought some shitty assassin and spent the night on the roof to hide from the fucking Gestapo. You changed me so damn much." Levi added in a mumble, "You made me reckless!"
Vis, peu importe le prix. Live, no matter the price.
Those had been Petra's last words, her final commandment to him, yet again and again, he risked his life, all for this man.
"I'm sorry," Eren whispered, unsure what else to say. Did Levi feel he had weakened him? Some people believed that being homosexual made a man weaker. Was that what Levi was hinting at? He cringed to think so. "Do you regret all of that?"
"Never," Levi said honestly.
He knew at least that much. He might be disobeying Petra's order, but he had no regrets.
And he knew why.
That was what hurt so much.
"Every choice I made was still my own choice, and I made it for a reason. I don't regret not leaving you on the road to Metz, because I knew you would've been punished if I ran off. I don't regret coming back here for Rosh Hashanah, because that was something I really wanted to do. I don't regret running to get you help when you were drugged, because who knows what may have become of you if the assassin was waiting nearby. I don't regret coming up here because that choice saved your life. My only regret is that, from the very beginning, my existence has constantly put you in danger."
"I'm the one who started this, you know. The day I confessed my feelings to you, I started us down this path." Eren laughed and reached over to hold Levi's hand. "I never thought you would actually love me back."
"Don't lie. Of course you thought I would."
"I wanted it. I didn't think I would ever be so lucky."
Levi sighed and whispered, "You and me both."
Eren smiled playfully. "So then, do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Love me back?"
Levi jolted and looked over at him, stunned at the boldness, and at what he had said so easily just seconds ago.
Eren leaned over and gave Levi a kiss on the forehead. "Ich liebe dich."
Levi rolled his eyes, knowing he just said I love you but ignoring it by glancing to the side as his cheeks warmed up.
Eren adored this bashful side of Levi, the side that tried to be stoic, yet struggled to keep up his normal aloofness. He leaned in even closer, and Levi's head stubbornly turned aside even more. So cute!
In a breathy whisper, Eren said, "Je t'aime."
Levi gasped at hearing the words in his own language, and he pulled back to look at Eren in shock. Eren quickly grabbed his cheek, not letting him pull his head away again.
"How do you know that?" snapped Levi.
"Armin taught me a little French."
"Why would you learn that?"
"Because it's true, and I want you to know it." He caressed Levi's cheek. "In any language, I love you."
Levi shook his head, and his lips trembled. It was finally starting to hit him. He was about to lose this man! They had less than twenty-four hours together, and then he would have to leave for good. He would not even be able to sneak back in through the attic, since it was getting boarded up.
He had been trying to keep calm on the outside, trying to shove that little thought out of his mind, bury it deep with all the other pains. Eren's confession ripped open the lid on those feelings.
"Shit," Levi hissed as the tempest of emotions struggled to surface. He tried so hard to hold them back, shove them all down into that overflowing pit of grief, but it erupted like Krakatoa.
It hurt so damn much!
He pulled away, and when Eren tried to be a little firmer to hold him near, Levi shoved him. He struggled to stand up, but he could not place weight on his foot.
What was he planning to do, hop away from the emotions?
He suddenly collapsed onto the bed, threw his face down onto the pillows, and growled into the feathers. Eren bolted up, terrified if he was in pain, or if pushing his emotions like that had triggered some bad memory.
Levi's fists clenched the pillow as he felt the last walls around his heart crumbling, and all sorts of unwanted emotions poured out. His face drew up in anguish, and he punched the bed over and over. He wished he could really scream, but he knew he had to be quiet. The only way he could think of to release those emotions was to punch, and punch, and feel the pain in his fist as he tried to pound those emotions back into submission.
Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He grabbed the pillow and flipped around to hit Eren with it. "Damn you!" He nearly yelled that, and Levi realized just how close he was to shouting. He slammed the pillow back over his face and growled into it again.
"Levi?" Eren asked in worry.
That voice! The fear of never hearing that voice again stabbed at Levi worse than any knife ever had. It stung worse than any bullet. He hated that he could not push these emotions back down. He always managed to regain control, to turn away and save the grief for another time. Always!
Why not now?
He realized the pillow was wet. How? Surely, he wasn't crying!
Surely not!
Not for this Nazi brat!
For this wonderful, gentle, beloved brat.
His takhshet.
His neshomeleh.
His boyfriend.
The surge of acidic emotions lessened. Slowly, still struggling to breathe calmly, he pulled the pillow away. Eren's teal eyes were there, full of so much concern.
Concern. For him.
And it made him so fucking happy.
"Damn you for making me fall for you."
Dread turned instantly to joy, and warmth surged into Eren's heart at the confession. He saw that tears had moistened and clumped Levi's eyelashes, and he began to reach forward.
Levi slammed the pillow back over his face before Eren could touch him, and he grumbled, "I hate you."
Eren chuckled. That was so like him! "No you don't."
"Yes, I do. I hate you for making me fall for you. I hate you for making me feel this happy. I hate you." He threw the pillow at Eren, hitting him in the chest.
Eren flinched in anguish at his harsh words, and Levi glanced over. He felt guilty for hurting Eren, but he did not know what else to say.
He was scared. This very well could be the end, and worse, if this escape failed, he might bring Eren down with him. He wished Eren had never risked his life with something like this, yet Levi could not push him away. Instead, he kept coming back, again and again.
He could have left on the road to Metz.
He could have stayed with the Resistance.
He could have gone back to the car rather than follow Eren up four flights of stairs, hobbling on a broken ankle, just to stay near him.
Levi realized he craved Eren so much that he was willing to face death—or worse—just to see him again. He had not felt like this since Petra. It was a feeling that thrilled him back then. Now, it terrified him.
"How ... How could I have fallen for someone again?" he whispered as his face broke down in anguish.
Eren realized he must be thinking about his wife. This had to be even more confusing for Levi, after having been happily married for years.
"Maybe God wants you to be happy. Maybe she wants you to be happy too."
Levi gave a laughing sigh. "She told me to live on. I didn't think I could without her, without love." He yanked himself back up into a sitting position and shifted over to be close to Eren. "I can imagine Petra arranging something this utterly insane. She wouldn't want me to fall for another woman, so instead she sent me a man. That woman ... she would simply laugh about it." He sighed and let his head sink over onto Eren's shoulder. "I can imagine that this is what she wants. She'd be happy with this."
"Are you happy?" Eren asked, still feeling concerned.
His chest burned, and Levi feared just how happy he was. He feared where this was taking them both, he feared the heartache that was sure to come tomorrow morning when they had to say goodbye, and he feared how this would affect him for the rest of his life. If Eren really could find him after the war, what then? And if he couldn't ... if he didn't make it...
That was the biggest fear of all.
But as for being happy, right here, right now?
"All this bullshit—hiding, whispering, sitting out in the rain, sleeping under your bed—and yet somehow ... I am." He turned his head up to look into Eren's eyes and whispered, "I'm happy that we met and I fell for you."
Eren looked bashful again, hardly believing that Levi was this comfortable saying something like that. Meanwhile, Levi shook his head, hardly able to believe it himself. His jaw shivered as a chill ran up his spine.
"Tell me..."
Eren felt a cold tremble through Levi's body, and he wanted to soothe away that grief. "What?"
He gulped hard and whispered, "Tell me ... to live on."
Eren gazed down at him in confusion.
"Tell me," he gnashed. "It's what she told me, and her words have kept me wanting to survive all this time, through the shittiest days and worst tortures. So tell me, because your words are as important to me now as hers were back then."
Eren's mouth dropped as he realized what Levi was really saying. Levi's love for him weighed the same in his heart as the love for his wife back when she was alive. Honored and now determined to live up to that trust, Eren whispered ardently.
"Live, Levi! Whatever it takes, whatever you must do, no matter how many people you're forced to leave behind ... live. Survive this war. Promise me you won't die before seeing America."
Levi felt those supporting arms, and he closed his eyes to let the words sink as deeply into his soul as Petra's had years ago.
"I'll survive," he swore, an oath he had never been able to say to his wife while she was living.
Eren hugged him, proud he could be so strong, and determined to honor the trust Levi had in him. "I promise the same. I'll survive, no matter what it takes, and we'll see each other again, I swear!"
Levi's face lifted, and he saw Eren's eyes were already focused on his mouth. There was more he wanted to say, so much more, but he had lived long enough to know when words simply were not needed anymore. His fingers reached up to touch Eren's cheek, and they both slowly leaned in closer until their lips met, sealing the oath.
Levi recalled that first nervous kiss in the dungeon. Now, kissing Eren felt so natural, so right.
From that first confusing experience until now, he could count on his fingers and toes how many days he and Eren had shared a kiss together. How could a romance so new, so infantile, be so potent?
Levi figured he needed to stop asking himself that. It just was.
Eren's hand threaded through the soft black hair, wanting to hold Levi, to capture him and never release him! They would soon be separated, and even if they both survived this war, how long would it be before they could reunite? The war had been going on for five years already. What if it took five more years to end? During the time they had, he wanted to enjoy being together.
He felt a new surge: desperation! He needed Levi!
His kiss deepened, and he began to lose himself to this moment. He grabbed Levi closer and clutched at him. Grief mixed with hope for the future: a future together.
Meanwhile, as much as Levi feared the idea of losing his heart, he acted like a man knowing he was about to sail away to a foreign land and never return—which was not far from the truth. His hand trailed down Eren's throat and left tingling tendrils of warmth, while his other hand reached down and palmed him. A soft, airy moan sighed out as Eren shuddered with pleasure.
Then, in the midst of their kiss, Levi's adventurous fingers felt the stiff fabric of the uniform and coldness of metal. He looked down and saw his fingers on the Iron Cross pinned to the breast of Eren's tunic. His hand drew back, he glanced across the whole uniform, and then up to the flushed face with hungry eyes. A soft, wry laugh punched out, and he shook his head.
"It's so easy to forget sometimes." He shifted away and stared ahead at the rain dripping down the window.
Eren pulled himself out of reverie, blinked out the haziness, and tilted his head, confused why Levi had pulled back. "What is it?"
What could he say, though? He glanced over, not meeting Eren's face. If he just looked from the neck down, he saw a swastika on the black crosses, the Heeres eagle gripping a swastika, every combat badge had a swastika, even the wristwatch had a swastika on the face.
Sure, that was just clothing, symbols of an ideology, but still, Eren proudly fought for a country that enforced those ideologies at gunpoint, a country that slaughtered men, women, and children because they were not the same race, not the same religion, or was not attracted to the gender the country said they should be with.
It was easy to think Eren was not really a Nazi because he was homosexual and did not hate Jews, but he still fought to protect all of those beliefs, even the ones that were dangerous to him personally.
Levi shook his head and slammed his eyes shut. How could the person to open his heart and soothe his soul also be wearing the uniform of the people who crushed his spirit to begin with?
"Get out of that damn uniform," he hissed.
Eren saw Levi's face pinched in anguish. He remembered what Levi had said not that long ago.
"Maybe I could focus more on the fact that you're male, and I could figure out what I think about it. For now, the uniform troubles me more than your facial hair."
Eren unbuttoned the tunic and dropped it to the ground. Gazing at Levi, he pulled off his boots, undid his belt, shifted his hips, and tugged the trousers off as well.
"Take your watch off too."
Eren glanced down at his watch and saw the swastika. Ah, that was the issue! He pulled it off and set it on the nightstand face-down, so Levi did not have to see that symbol. Then, staring hard at Levi, he reached for his pale boxers.
"Do you want these off as well?" he whispered.
Levi realized, his eyes were glued to the pole tenting the boxers. Did he want them off? Hell yes!
"Do as you want," he whispered faintly.
Eren smirked, seeing how intensely Levi stared down at his erection. Did he really want to see it that badly? Languidly, he pulled the boxers down off his hips, slipped them down slowly, tantalizingly, until finally the fabric popped clear of the erect cock. Eren watched as Levi gulped and his eyes widened slightly.
"You as well," Eren whispered.
Levi jolted. Watching Eren undress was one thing, but himself?
It was only fair.
He undid the buttons on his shirt, slid it off, folded the shirt neatly, and loosened his belt. However, as he pulled the trousers down, he moved slightly wrong, and a stab of pain shot through his ankle. He sucked in a breath and cursed quietly.
Eren slid to the floor to help Levi ease the trousers past the swollen ankle. He carefully handled the fabric so it barely touched at all. Levi watched, staring strangely as he saw this beautiful naked man kneeling before him. Eren even folded the trousers, since he knew Levi preferred to keep his clothes orderly.
After the trousers were folded and set aside, Eren's eyes turned up. He placed a kiss on the injured ankle, then higher, tiny kisses working up Levi's leg, kisses to both of his knees, and then he gently spread Levi's legs so he could kiss up both thighs.
A gulp stuck in Levi's throat as those warm lips worked up closer, indulging in kissing his thighs and teasing right on the hem's edge of his boxers. Finally, those teal eyes turned back up.
Eren saw no uncertainty, nothing to tell him that he should stop. Quite the opposite! He leaned over and placed a kiss on the lump in the boxers. He kissed more, using his lips to entice it, and felt it lengthening. His hand slipped up Levi's thigh, really wanting to touch this.
He paused and glanced up. "May I?"
Levi barely wanted to breathe. Eren could arouse him so easily, it was humiliating.
Eren's touch was gentle, so full of boyish fascination, playing with the staff hidden by pale fabric and feeling it come alive. He glanced up to Levi, and those stormy blue eyes were staring down intently at him.
They did not even need words. Levi shifted his hips up, Eren grabbed the boxers, and he pulled them down, all the way past the bruised ankle. Eren again kissed his way back up, settled between Levi's thighs, and gazed in adoration at the sight before him.
Fingers wrapped around, cautiously at first. Then Eren's hand slid up and down, moving in a slow glide.
"Merde!" Levi groaned softly.
Eren gazed up, enthralled with Levi's flushed face. He wanted more!
He stroked, but his lips went down to kiss the tip. He felt Levi leaking, and his thumb wiped across the top. The next time a tiny pearl of moisture beaded up, he leaned over and licked it up, dragging his tongue across the head.
"Shit! Eren!"
He stroked, amused to the point of giddiness, but he wanted more. So much more! His mouth began to lower, but he paused to glance up. Levi was already lost to the pleasure. Eren did not want to disturb that euphoria. He went slowly, just in case Levi was not okay with anything.
He kissed all around the scar of Levi's circumcision. That earned him a soft gasp with a shiver of the legs that now wrapped around his body. He licked up the thick vein, parted his lips, and slipped just the head in, holding it between his lips.
All of that was fine, so he plunged fully down onto Levi, sliding him over his tongue and letting him fill his mouth. Although he heard a quiet gasp, he also felt Levi putting his hand on his scalp, pushing his head to go even further down. Eren smiled to himself in relief and was more than happy to obey. He took Levi all the way to the root, and then slowly sucked all the way back up to the tip, only to plunge back down.
Levi made sure not to outright moan, but his mouth hung open in airy gasps, panting, air shaking in his lungs as his whole body came alive from Eren bobbing his mouth up and down.
"Damn you, takhshet."
Eren heard the lustful frustration in those words, and his heart swelled at being able to give Levi the sort of bliss he felt he deserved. He let out a hum of pleasure that vibrated down the full length of Levi's cock.
Levi slapped a hand over his mouth to hold back a deep moan. His hips began to make thrusts on their own. He felt himself hit the back of Eren's throat, but rather than a grunt of annoyance, Eren pressed even more, like he wanted to keep feeling that.
He looked down at him.
Eren, on his knees, between his thighs, happily sucking his cock.
What a beautiful image it was! The sight nearly undid him.
Then a stab of pain pierced through the pleasure. He had placed some pressure onto his foot. He shifted right away, but the pain lingered in a burn. He flinched, and at that Eren pulled up, sensing something wrong.
"Shit," Levi whispered, mad that he had ruined such a beautiful moment.
"Are you okay?"
"It's just my ankle, don't worry."
Eren looked down and realized Levi's feet were on the ground. "Oh! Nein, heben Sie Ihren Fuß im Sitzen oder Liegen an. You need your ankle up when you are sitting. Lie down!"
Eren helped him to shift up to the pillows. Levi scowled, feeling like such a piece of shit. Here it was, their last day, just a few hours before he had to give up earthly pleasures, and he ruined it with a fucking ankle.
However, Eren was eager to pamper him. He took his own discarded pieces of uniform to form a soft mound and held Levi's leg to cautiously elevate the ankle atop of the pile. He ran butt-naked to the bathroom and came back with arnica. He rubbed it on the swelling, then fetched some pills he had gotten days earlier.
"For the pain."
"I'll take those after I eat." He did not trust himself and those pills. The last time he took one, he did not want to stop! "Lie down. Stop fretting like a mother hen."
Eren reclined next to him, leaned over, and began to kiss him. Levi happily accepted those kisses. Slowly, they moved past the awkwardness of the injury that interrupted things. Eren's hands got adventurous again, and they drifted down. Levi felt Eren stroking him slowly, hoping to get back to that warm place they had been moments ago.
As nice as that had been, Levi wanted to spoil Eren now. Besides, he could feel something poking him in the thigh. He glanced down and realized Eren was stiffly erect.
Levi began to reach down, but his hand flinched back. He tried again, letting his hand glide down Eren's torso. That was fine, but when it came to actually touching his cock, he froze.
Eren paused and pulled up. "You don't have to touch me," he assured.
"It's not fair if I don't." Levi sneered at this weakness. "I don't even understand it. I want to, so why..."
"Levi," Eren said, gazing at him seriously. "I could never forgive myself if I ever thought I forced you."
Levi grumbled, "I can't even use my fucking feet this time."
That made Eren chuckle, and he kissed Levi on the forehead. "Just kiss me."
Levi did, but he felt guilty for not giving back equally. Still, he had to admit, he was not ready. Using his feet had been different. The thought of pleasuring a man like that ... it made some dark corner of his soul tremble, and the last thing he wanted was to revisit that nightmare.
Their kisses deepened. Levi propped himself up on an elbow and gazed at the full glory of Eren's naked body stretched out on the bed like a marble statue. He saw Eren's manhood, uncircumcised, a little freckle on the side of the foreskin, the head flushed.
Eren smirked. "Do you like what you see?"
Levi shot him a scowl. "Shut up, takhshet." However, he gazed over him again. Did he like what he saw? Oh yes! "Do you still have those condoms?"
"Yes," he whispered, feeling a rush of excitement.
"Get one."
Eren hurried to obey, rolled over on the bed, opened one of the nightstand drawers, and pulled out the box.
"Military issue," Levi grumbled. "You'd probably still catch a whore's disease with that shit."
"Luckily, I only want you," Eren said lightly. He took one condom, opened it, but as he rushed to get it on, he realized it was facing the wrong way. "Verdammt! I did that last time."
Levi gazed at his flustered struggle. "This is only the second time you've ever worn a condom," he realized. It made him realize just how inexperienced Eren was. A month ago, he was still learning how to kiss. "Let me."
"I got it—"
Levi grabbed the rubber away and glared at Eren, daring him to fight back. When Eren sagged, Levi continued.
"Pinch the tip so you don't have an air bubble," he instructed. "Look at the way it's rolled. Then..."
He placed it onto Eren's cock, fitted it onto the head, and slowly rolled it down. Touching Eren this way was different; for one, he was touching latex, not flesh, and he was merely helping a novice to learn a new skill. That made this something different in his mind.
With that peace of mind, it gave him an excuse to savor the moment. He used both hands to roll it down the thick shaft, feeling the heat and watching Eren squirm. The condom was a tight fit with Eren's girth, but Levi made sure it was fully rolled down. If he stroked up and down a bit, it was merely testing the condom, nothing more. Surely nothing to pleasure him. Surely not!
"Does that feel okay?" he asked, and Eren frantically nodded his head. "Good. Now, are you ready for your orders, lieutenant?"
Eren opened his eyes and smirked at him. "Jawohl, mon capitaine."
"Pick a language. Are you French or German?"
Eren's eyes glittered with loyalty. "My loyalty is to you, no one else."
Levi's mouth dropped, and their eyes lingered. How could he say such a gentle thing? How could he be doing any of this, when his whole life he had been taught that Jews were a subspecies and a plague on the world, when all around him were people who wanted all Jews dead, and they would shoot a homosexual without a second thought?
Yet Eren risked it, and he could look at Levi with those wide, honest eyes as he dedicated himself heart and soul.
Softly, Eren said, "Tell me what to do."
With narrow eyes burning in desire, Levi ordered, "Touch yourself."
Eren reached down. "All orders from my captain must be obeyed."
He tried to stroke, but right away he pouted. Stroking with a condom on was strange, less sensitive, and it tried to stick to his skin. However, all Eren needed to do was open his eyes to see Levi. That made this better.
"Kiss me," he whispered, tugging Levi's face to be closer.
Their lips met, and down below, Levi felt rhythmic movement as Eren stroked himself. Their tongues met, and Eren pulled Levi in closer with his free arm. Levi had to be cautious with his bad foot, but he pressed his body as close to Eren as he comfortably could. As their kisses grew and his body tingled at the sound of Eren panting, Levi found himself beginning to grind up against him, just to get some friction.
"I could touch both of us," Eren offered.
"Did I order you to do that?" Levi asked, and Eren shook his head. "Then shut up and obey me."
A quiet moan shivered through Eren at those words. His hand began to stroke faster, and he yanked Levi down into a starving kiss.
Suddenly, Eren rolled and caged Levi in with his body.
"Eren!"
"Please, let me do it like this."
Levi arched an eyebrow. "You want to be on top, like that dream you had last night."
Eren froze, momentarily worried if this was a mistake.
However, Levi tugged Eren's face to be closer. "Show me what you were fantasizing about."
"Are you sure?"
Levi leaned up and bit Eren's lower lip, drawing it out until he hissed in pain. "Show me."
After that, Eren could hardly stop himself. He kissed Levi hard enough to press him back into the pillows. Then he nibbled down his neck and pressed their chests together, wanting to feel their bodies merge. He could not hold back! He kept thrusting against Levi, like he needed to merge with him, like this was the other half of his soul that had been torn apart by Zeus, and he longed to be one soul again.
Levi felt the urgent desperation that strained through every muscle in Eren's body. It began to affect him, and he felt his hips pressing up, wanting to also feel those fingers that were busy stroking.
No, more than that.
He wanted something.
And he feared it.
A deep longing set up in Levi's heart. He glanced down at where Eren's wrist was jerking.
"Peut-être ... juste un peu..." Maybe just a little.
Eren's eyes were hazy, his body lost in the fantasies of what he wished Levi would do—only when he was ready—so he could barely understand that little bit of French.
A little? Was Levi insulting his manhood? He was slightly better than average, he thought. Or at least, when they had all been drunk one night in Paris and actually compared cock sizes, Eren came in second after Jean.
Levi's hand moved down, timid and slow, until it touched Eren's penis. It was only with two fingers, like petting some unknown animal and wondering if it was poisonous. Although he had managed this on that fateful stormy night, it was harder now to convince himself that this much was okay.
At the touch, Eren's foggy mind cleared up enough to see Levi staring intensely. He paused and sat up so Levi could touch him easier.
Levi's fingers circled around the flushed head. He squeezed, feeling the soft rigidity and passionate warmth of latex-sheathed skin. He began to stroke down.
Suddenly, his hand pulled back. He couldn't! As much as he really wanted to, he was simply not comfortable with this.
Eren's hand touched his cheek, bringing his attention away from anxieties. Those teal eyes shined with understanding.
"Touch wherever you can."
Levi frowned, but his hand slid down to Eren's testicles. "How about here? I think I can touch here."
Eren nodded, barely keeping back a moan. Anything Levi wanted to touch, any way he wanted to touch—anything at all, Eren wanted it.
Eren stroked himself again, but he was slow about it, watching Levi's curious expression as he gently massaged his balls.
"Does that feel okay?" asked Levi.
Eren tried to say yes, but a whine came out. That sound sparked something in Levi, and he pulled Eren back down to him so he could kiss him. Eren lowered with pent up fierceness, his tongue plunged in, and it sent him into a dire need to stroke faster.
"If you do it that fast, you won't last long at all."
Eren already knew, slowing down was impossible. "I'm not going to last long anyway."
"I can tell. You're so easy to rile up," Levi teased. He kissed the side of Eren's neck and licked up his throat. "So easy to please."
"Levi," he keened. "Bitte. Mehr. Hör nicht auf." Please. More. Don't stop.
"Tell me what you want. In English now."
"Sag meinen ... say my ... my name. Please."
Levi rolled Eren's balls between his fingers, leaned into his ear, and whispered, "Eren."
He whimpered needily. His hand was a blur, stroking faster and faster.
Levi watched in a trance, and whispered again, "Eren."
His teeth clenched with the building pressure. "Levi..."
"Eren." Then Levi reached with one hand and gave Eren's nipple a pinch, rolling it between his fingertips.
Eren arched up with a guttural cry. "Oh Gott, ich..."
A cry of euphoria pierced out, loud and glorious, guttural and salacious. Levi's eyes widened, stunned at how beautiful he was like that. He looked down, and sure enough, the condom was filling up with pale white fluid.
He just got a man off again.
Rather than panicking, Levi smirked, feeling smug that he was the one who could pleasure Eren like this.
Eren moaned as he flopped down onto Levi's body, heaving his breaths in exhaustion. "Your hands ... so good."
"I barely touched you."
"Ich kenne. So gut." I know. So good.
Eren rolled over and collapsed onto the pillow. Levi rolled to look at Eren as he lay there, basking in the afterglow of passion.
"Magnifique," Levi whispered.
His hand brushed back Eren's messy bangs. When the teal eyes opened, Levi leaned over him and gave him a kiss. When he rose up, there was a weary smile on Eren's face. He looked lost in happiness, and Levi wished he could keep this man in such a blissful state.
Eren whispered, "Can we rest before we get food?"
Levi nodded, amused to see him so worn out. In the full glory of the late morning sunlight, he truly looked like the statue of a young god from out of antiquity, or an angel who fell to Earth and landed before him to save his soul.
When Eren's arms opened, Levi cuddled in them, wrapped up in the glory of this fallen Adonis.
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"how it was in the Weimar Republic days" – The global center of LGBT rights between 1890 and 1932 was in "Gay Berlin." The thriving gay and lesbian community in Germany during the years of the Weimar Republic (1918-1933) is now the stuff of legends. (Just look at the musical "Cabaret" set in 1931 with songs expressing the sexual liberation and gender ambiguity in Berlin at the time.) There were around 100 gay and lesbian bars in Berlin alone. LGBT magazines discussed gay, lesbian, and transgender issues. Sex reassignment surgery was progressing under Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, who founded the Scientific-Humanitarian Committee, the first gay-rights organization. That also meant that the greatest hatred brewed in the dark alleys of Berlin, as Nazis glared at the flashy gay and lesbian clubs and beat up the crossdressers. Wherever a marginalized group finally gets a little freedom, those who despise that group will grow even more oppressive and violent, which is why we all need to be even more vigilant in modern times. Sadly for Germany, all those hard-fought rights would be stripped away in an instant as Hitler rose to power. Homosexual activities would not be decriminalized until 1968 for East Germany, 1969 for West Germany, and Germany would not adopt same-sex marriage until 2017.
Challah – Levi mentions this traditional bread of Ashkenazi Jews, often braided into loafs, although challah can be made into many shapes, each with their own symbolism. For the feast on the day before Yom Kippur, it's traditional to have ladders, round knots, and hand shapes; the ladder signifies that Jews should ascend to great heights, the round shape shows completeness of the year, and the hand is a hope that they may be inscribed by the Lord for a good year to come. Some families get artistic with their challah. I've seen challah shaped as hearts, flowers, a menorah, a honeycomb (with honey for dipping), doves, turtles, teddy bears, porcupines, turkeys, and rainbows with multi-colored bread braided into a loaf.
"he could count on his fingers and toes how many days he and Eren had shared a kiss together" – Exactly 20 days. This only counts days they actually shared a kiss, not days they were apart before leaving to Metz, nor Levi's days with the French Resistance. So yeah, although it's taken a long time in chapters with lots of drama in between, these two really have progressed their relationship very quickly.
Adonis – The mortal lover of Aphrodite, considered the most beautiful man to have ever lived. Adonis was attractive enough that gods and goddesses fought for his favor. Aphrodite and Persephone argued so fiercely over him, Zeus had to intervene. While he and Aphrodite were nearly inseparable, many others on Mount Olympus found him hot: Heracles (who was married at the time), Dionysus god of wine and fertility, Eris the goddess of envy, and Adonis and Apollo had a steamy relationship, where Adonis took on the passive feminine role. So huzzah for bisexuality! Of course, like most Greek stories, it ends in tragedy. One day while on a hunt, a wild boar gored Adonis right in the groin (ouch!) and he bled to death in Aphrodite's arms. His blood became anemone flowers, and women in Greece celebrated his death with gardens, festivals, and a display of screaming in grief, just like Aphrodite had howled in grief for her fallen lover. (I promise, Eren will NOT be gored in the groin! It is just a common picturesque image, a young man being described as an Adonis.)
Happy New Year, and happy 2nd anniversary to Dangerous Territory. This chapter is a bit gratuitous, so it's a perfect anniversary gift to y'all.
It has been a crazy two years, to say the least, so I applaud all of you for getting through these tumultuous times. Thanks for sharing the journey with me. Keep marching forward to wherever the music of life takes you. — Rhov Anion
(aesthetic of Chapter 62, made by Dawndew)