My body was on fire. I could hear my blood pulsing in my ears as I knocked another shot back.
I couldn't remember how many I'd downed. Four? Five? I didn't care. They were the only thing keeping me from going out there and pushing him over the balcony. He'd survive thanks to his super human abilities or whatever, but damn would it hurt.
I could barely hear the voices and the music around me, my mind drowning out any sound as it replayed the moment I recognized Bucky standing out there with her. It was weird that I hadn't noticed at first. Usually I could recognize him from behind from any distance, but tonight he looked like a whole new person.
I don't know if it was the alcohol or the sheer will power keeping me sitting down on the bar stool. The leather sticking to my thighs as I began to burn up. He is who I was thinking about when I was buying my dress. He was who I thought about when I got my hair done, hoping that he would compliment it or notice it.
Gods I was stupid.
I can't remember when I began to stare at my empty glass, only the feeling of someone shaking me as they pulled me from my thoughts, "Hey, are you okay?" Steve began. I could tell he was worried, concerned that I had just told him I wasn't going to be drinking no later than an hour ago and now I was almost a bottle down.
"I'm fine," I muttered, loud enough so he could hear, "I just need some air." I began to stand up, finally needing to rid myself of this 'welcoming' party. The people became too overwhelming and I began to stumble around. It was suddenly too bright and too loud, the room becoming too small.
Steve reached a hand to my elbow steadying me. I held onto him for support as he led me through the crowd, a headache beginning to form in my right temple. I couldn't do this, not again. I would not cry, I would not feel sorry for myself. There were no rules, no boundaries to this relationship, but god did I ever want to punch him in the face right about now.
"Hey Y/N, woah hey, is she okay?" came his voice from behind me. What once made my stomach flip from its joyful sound, now made me want to hurl. The mere thought of him being in my presence for more then a minute was about to make me manic.
Perfect timing.
He reached forward to grab my other arm but I quickly moved out of the way, "Do not lay a hand on me ever again." I snapped hoping he could hear the pure venom in my tone.
"What the fuck is up with you tonight?" he retorted, a quizzical look now spread across his face. I turned to him, fists clenched at my sides willing myself not to swing at him.
"What the fuck is up with me, you self-centred asshole, is no longer any of your business." I was now fully facing him, disgust was the only thing that crossed my mind as I took in the tux he was wearing that had been in my room only hours before.
"Calm down, what the hell did I do?!" he reached for me again, this time I wasn't able to side step his grip.
I swatted him away, "If you want to play fucking dumb Bucky you can play dumb. I will not be apart of your fucked up games." I turn away walking to elevator and away from him.
He only followed.
"Look," he began, I couldn't help but roll my eyes as I pressed the up button, "I know I messed up."
And here we go. The go-to phrase that everyone jumps for once they know they did something wrong. If he thinks guilting me into thinking that just because he can take responsibility for his actions is gonna make me want to get in his bed— he's completely wrong.
I didn't answer, I didn't look at him. I was not going to show him how much that kiss hurt because he was no longer worth it. I am so sick and tired of continuously trusting people so easily and now I've learned my lesson. And maybe I was being naïve for getting mad at him for something we had never put a label on, only I don't care. I steeled myself creating an impassive face before turning around.
"I don't care what you do James. I really don't. Thank you for teaching me not to listen or fall for the traps you self-righteous pricks think are okay." I smiled sarcastically before turning back. He didn't speak. He didn't react to what I had said for a long time. Long enough for the elevator doors to open and for me to step inside, hoping he wouldn't follow.
He of course, did exactly what I knew he would do and followed right behind.
"Y/N, we never made ourselves exclusive. We made no rules, we didn't exactly tell each other we weren't seeing anyone else. I am not going to be at fault here for something that shouldn't matter. That kiss didn't matter, she didn't matter. I don't think you should be getting as mad as you are, she was just a little fun for tonight." he spoke almost in a plead.
I could only scoff, "So first you try and turn the situation on me and make it my fault for looking too deep in to what we were starting AND THEN you try to what? Reassure me by telling me that she was nothing to you?" I could only laugh at him, "God you really are a good manipulator. Is that what you told her when she asked you if you were seeing anyone else? That I was nothing? That we were nothing? Just a meanings to an end." I couldn't help but smile at his attempt to make me feel in the wrong.
He stared back at me, anger building in his eyes,"Now you're just spinning my words, trying to make me feel bad for what I did. It was a kiss Y/N! I wasn't asking her to fuck me! Do you care about anything I've said or are you just being self-centred and jealous." he yelled.
"Last time I checked James, your feelings aren't the only thing that matters in this situation but I'm glad you're trying to make everything about you. That poor girl is probably freezing outside in the cold where you left her and you're arguing with me in a fucking elevator about who's wrong?" I began to raise my voice as well. I didn't care that what I was saying was a bit over the top. He had no right to blame me for being upset after he'd slept in my bed, cuddled me, made out with me, held me on the balcony and then told me he could never be embarrassed around me.
And now he's talking like I'm the one whose looking too far into this? Who wouldn't for gods sake. Where does he think he gets the audacity to flip this on me? I certainly will not be putting up with his complete and utter bullshit any longer.
"For the second time we weren't exclusive, I don't even know what we were." he lifted his hands to thread through his hair.
"That is bullshit and you know it. Now you're just making up sad excuses to validate your actions." I turned in a circle with my arms up, "No one's fucking watching James. No one is going to come here and pat you on the back and tell you that what you did regardless of the fact that we hadn't made anything official okay. Its good to know though that that is how you felt after what we'd done together." I didn't raise my voice, I spoke only in a reasonable tone. I crossed my arms over each other and leaned against the elevator railing.
He pushed the stop button on the elevator before it reached my floor. I couldn't help but let out a sigh and cover my eyes with my hands.
Tonight couldn't get any fucking worse could it?
"That's not what I think about what we did together and you know it. I got a bit carried away tonight okay? Nothing else happened with her." He tried to take my hand in his but I stepped to the side.
Was he about to cry? Was he going to stoop that low to get me to feel sorry for him. Who is this man and what have they done with the real Winter Soldier, come on now.
"You know what James I really don't have time for this." I moved around him and turned the elevator back on. I had hoped he had noticed I had started calling him James instead of Bucky. Bucky seemed to familiar now, too friendly.
"You know what young lady I will not be having any of this. If you get off this elevator then we're over."
I- excuse me for being in complete shock at what he just said, "You're not my father James, although you two are similar in the same ways. Abandoning people that cared about you for your own personal gain. And for the fact about me leaving and us being 'over' like you said we never made ourselves exclusive."
He seemed struck by that, opening and closing his mouth before going completely silent once more. I shake my head walking into the kitchen to grab a water from the fridge. Popping the top off and stumbling against the counter I could tell the alcohol was starting to take effect.
There he was once again at my back, not being able to take my slow hints for him to leave me alone.
"Look James, there is nothing you can say that will justify what you did however meaningless you deemed it to be. I on the other hand am done. I have lost too much with little to salvage and I will not put my self in a situation where I know I will be the one getting hurt. I will not do that." I put both my hands on the sides of the counter to hold myself up.
"Y/N I wish you would just hear me out—"
"Don't." I turned myself to him aiming an arm at the elevator, "Now do us both a favour and get out. I've had enough arguing for one night and this is going no where." I didn't let myself feel sad, I didn't let it show in my eyes. There was no sympathy for him there. I was truly and utterly done.
After everything I had been put through and everything I have lost I would've thought he would be the one to at least understand a small part of it. Clearly I was wrong again.
He doesn't say anymore, finally letting what I've been saying register in his brain. He didn't leave though, he only stood there in silence. Watching as I took deep breaths and tried to force some of the water down.
"I really am sorry. For everything." he whispered, as if there was more he was apologizing for.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if this was his way of guilting me into thinking that he's sorry so that I apologize in turn. What does that make me? To think the worst of him when all he's ever been was kind to me. He's only ever been there for me every step of the way. Every confusing and sad or devastating turn he was there.
"I know." was all I could reply. In a way I had wished Loki was here right about now. And it was horrible to think that because he's dead and this is someone standing in front of me who has continuously tried to help me. I just couldn't help it. Loki always knew how to keep me on my feet. He wouldn't have let me drink because I was sad. He would have told me to get back out there and give him a piece of my mind.
Or at least that's that what I imagine he would say.
My heart clenched at the thought of him. I can remember those days with him, though I try so hard to forget for my own sake. I shook my head clearing those thoughts away. I kept my head down, unable to look at the expression on his face. In moments like these I feel like giving up. I felt like sitting down and wasting my life away until I eventually turn into dust. I damn myself for every harsh word I'd thrown his way because immediately after no matter how much he did or didn't deserve it, I feel horrible.
I could almost feel him read my emotions. He grabbed my arm and I let him. He turned me to him and brushed the fallen hair out of my face, his eyes never leaving mine. It didn't feel intimate. It felt like a friend looking after another friend. As if he could feel my pain, like I was transmitting it through an invisible chord. His arms wrapped around me but I didn't hold him back, I wouldn't.... I wouldn't give him that, not yet.
I pulled away first, uncomfortable with just standing there in silence that began to grow by the second.
"I think you should go now." I whispered my head facing the ground once more. "It's getting late and I'm tired."
Thankfully this time he didn't fight me on it, he just left, not before handing me what seemed to be an Advil, and heading in the direction of his room. I kept my head down for a few moments afterward before slowly sitting down against the floor. The cool wood of the cupboards a relief from the pounding that has begun in my head.
I sit there and breathe, the darkness of the room enveloping me in a comforting cocoon. I rested my hands against my knees as I held the water bottle open. I took a few drinks here and there allowing myself to swallow the pill but besides that I only sat in the silence.
Everyone would soon be leaving the party, which would mean I would need to either make an excuse for my unmentioned exit or apologize to those who saw it. My head was spinning but then again when was it not.
I sat up, muscles slightly aching from the position I had been in as I made my way to my room. As I grabbed the handle a shock of electricity ran through my body.
"Ouch!" I sort of whisper-yell as I shake my hand until the feeling goes away. I walk in, the lights still off and head to the bathroom to shower away the sweat and makeup from this evening.
After my shower I grab a pair of the silk pyjamas from the closet before getting to bed. A sudden weight came over me and before I knew it I was taken by sleep.
I am awaken by the sound of voices outside of my room. I quickly pull the covers from my bed and race towards the door.
It's still dark out, maybe 3 or 4 in the morning but all I can think about are the voices outside.
I know that voice, I know that voice. I can't remember where I know such a familiar and comforting sound. I place my hand on the handle of the door, the cool metal seeping into my skin. I place my ear against the wood of the door hoping to hear even a fragment of the conversation that was being held.
In a matter of seconds the once calm conversation has turned to yelling. My eyes widen as I hear a small part, "Let me see her!", I take a step away from the door.
See who?
I slowly turn the knob and open the door, careful to not make presence known to those just a room away. I take my steps carefully, unsure of where the creaks in this floor are that would alert them of my eavesdropping.
I walk to the entrance of the kitchen and peek my head inside. My breath is taken from me. There standing at the table beside Thor and Tony is the one person I didn't expect to see for a lifetime.
His slick black hair the same length if not a bit longer, dressed in an all black suit.
Loki.
It's as if the thought of his name alerts him of how I am now standing in the doorway, mouth agape.
"How? How are you here?" I begin and I''m not even sure if they can hear me.
Loki takes a step towards me, each stride full of confidence and something else... longing.
"Hello, Darling." he smiles.
I am abruptly thrown awake as a bucket of ice cold water is tossed onto my body. I jerk into a sitting position finding myself against a cool, concrete floor.
The bright lights blinding my vision from being able to process or make out any shapes or figures. I blink rapidly and rub at my eyes trying to force them to focus, "What the hell?" I whisper.
A figure comes forward, tall and skinny are the only features I can make out, "How was your rest Y/N? Peaceful I would hope."