|photo by Changqing Lu from Unsplash|
When Chase and I walk out of trig, Conner is waiting in the hallway—eyes narrow, hair worried. "Paige texted me," he says. "Are you all right?"
"Yes, of course I am."
My act fools no one. Conner knows better and Chase witnessed the agony that surely found its way to my face after I did the math: I have 5 classes with Paige. Jasmine is only in one of them. Guess who will be expected to recruit guards when and if Paige decides to brave the rest of her schedule.
"Can I join you guys for lunch?" Conner asks.
"You two go ahead," Chase says, and then he cuts his eyes to mine. "I will see you in chemistry, right?"
"Yes. I promise."
Conner takes my hand before we're out of the building and Jasmine's words come back to me: "Just guard your heart, okay?"
It's way too late for that.
"The mistake I made was believing Conner would choose me."
I pull my hand away and he sighs. "Please talk to me, Thea."
"Not here."
"At the penthouse?"
"No. Central Park."
"It's supposed to snow today," he informs me.
"I know, Conner. But I'm feeling like a caged rat and I need space. Lots and lots of space."
If I didn't already know I sound hysterical, Conner's crumpled forehead would clue me in. He takes his knit cap out of his jacket pocket and says, "Hold up a minute," as we approach the big wooden doors.
I stop with extreme reluctance. The boy is remarkably coordinated. Why can't he walk and...
Conner puts his hat on my head—on my head.
I start to sob. He reaches out for me but I don't allow it. I wrench open the door, jog down the stairs and head for Fifth Avenue. Conner keeps pace with me, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "You know that first day?" I ask. "My first day at Zachary? You took me to the library to meet Paige and she told me you take care of people. You gave me peanut butter crackers and a soda that day. Your hat just now."
He looks at my head and gives me a hesitant nod.
"You've been taking care of Paige for so long, I don't think you know how to stop. And I know..." I stop walking and face him. "Conner, that kiss in the hallway meant more to me than I can ever tell you. But Paige didn't see it and now it's too late. You're never going to tell her about us because it would wreck her recovery."
Conner opens his mouth but he doesn't deny it. He can't.
"Did Paige tell you that Jasmine sat with her in French—like protecting her? And then after class Jasmine pulled me aside because she feels sorry for me. Because now I'm the one caught in the middle. Why didn't you tell me all of this has happened before? Paige is the reason you and Jasmine broke up, right?"
He squints his eyes shut, runs his hand through his hair. "Things were different then. I didn't understand my feelings for Paige until Jasmine explained them to me. You and I went into this..." He reaches for me again. I shake my head and start walking.
"Thea, it's always been complicated for us. You have the thing with Glenn. I have the thing with Paige. But it's worth it. We belong together."
"You can't just keep saying that. You can't wave your magical fate wand and make everything okay. I don't have anything with Glenn. I ended it. And this thing with Paige...what if I can't do this, Conner? What if I don't want to be her bodyguard for the rest of the school year? What lie are you going to tell her to get me out of that?"
"I'm going to tell her the truth," he says. "Right now."
"You can't."
"It's what you want me to do—to make a choice, right? The thing is I already did, Thea. I chose you long before you went back to Virginia to try and figure out whether or not you love me. I'll always choose you."
I shake my head—not because I don't believe him but that must be the way he takes it, because he lets his head fall back and he groans. "Go study with Chase. I'll see you in sixth."
He checks the light and steps into the crosswalk, heading back to Park Avenue, toward Paige's house. "You can't tell her," I say, following him. "Not yet. Not today."
"Why not?" He stops in the middle of the street. I hook my arm through his and pull him to the other side.
"Because if it interferes with her recovery I'd never be able to forgive myself—and neither would you. And every time we looked at each other we'd feel worse."
He sighs a curse because he knows I'm right.
"It's an impossible situation," I tell him.
"It's not. It's just going to take time. We're halfway through the school year. The last time Paige had a breakthrough like this it only lasted a few weeks. And if nothing else, graduation will solve the problem."
Graduation is June 8th. "That's sixteen weeks." Minus weekends and spring break. "That's like seventy-three days."
"God, I love your brain," he says, pulling me into his arms. He's warm and he smells incredible and I want to give in. I want him to be right. I want to be strong enough to get through this but I don't know...
I push against his chest and he locks his arms around me. "I'm not going to let go of you, Thea. I love you."
"I know. I love you, too. But right now that feels like a problem."
Conner drops his arms and takes a step back. "Tell me what you need," he says. The words are barely audible over the street noise. But god, the desperation on his face.
I close my eyes, shutting it out, and a moment later his warm hands cradle my cheeks. "Tell me, Thea. What can I do to fix this?"
"I don't know, Conner. Right now I just need to not be around you so I can think."
* * *
Chase and I were supposed to study at his house. He promised me curried chicken leftovers but I wouldn't be able to eat them now—and I don't really want to be around him, either. I can't stop analyzing the look on Jasmine's face when she told me Chase took her home from prom. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what she didn't want to say.
I'm halfway up the steps to the Metropolitan when my phone buzzes, two texts from two different people. I ignore Conner's and open Megan's: Just had a stimulating convo with the boy you advised not to give up on me.
This is exactly the distraction I needed. I send her a lifted-eyebrow emoji. I'm guessing there was more stimulation than conversation?
Shut up, she replies. And thank you.
I lean against one of the cold metal rails and type: Took him long enough.
Not really. He asked me out the first day back from Winter Break. But he just told me about your advice today.
Smart boy.
Megan sends a smiley-face and What's going on with you? And all the emotions I've been holding back come spewing out in a humiliating, ugly cry. I tuck my phone into my jacket pocket and dig frantically though my backpack for a tissue. Not that anyone around me notices. It's mostly tourists, gawking at the awe-inspiring architecture.
The way I did the day I came here with Conner.
Now that seems like a lifetime ago.
My phone rings. I know it's Megan without looking. She's probably worried because I haven't answered her question. I love that she knows me that well and it would be so easy to tell her every single thing, to beg her to tell me what to do—hoping she'll have a better solution than the one I'm trying so hard not to acknowledge.
I push the button, sending her call to voicemail and type a complete and utter lie: Can't talk. Studying for chem test. All is well in the merry old land of Oz.
* * *
Chase catches me staring at him. "What?" he mouths, but I shake my head, pretend to concentrate on my acid-base reactions. I like chemistry—usually. Or rather, I like that it involves mathematical calculations. But chemistry labs, not so much.
My phone buzzes with a text I ignore.
Something smacks me in the side of the head. A balled up piece of paper.
Chase clears his throat. When I look he holds up his phone, meaning the text I just got was from him. I roll my eyes, glance at our teacher and set my beaker on the table. He sent an exploding-head emoji followed by the words, pay attention to what you are doing.
Crap. I almost combined my acids—which would not cause an explosion. But I definitely would've failed my chem test, so I owe him one.
We both finish early—Chase, because he's annoyingly smart. Me, because I couldn't summon the motivation to read back over the written part of the exam and double-check my addled brain. So we're practically alone as we climb the stairs.
"Thank you for the save," I say.
It comes out sounding resentful, but that has nothing to do with chemistry.
"You're starting to worry me," Chase says.
His tone implies that this is a huge inconvenience for him.
"You want to know what inconveniences me?" I ask. "Knowing that there's a decent chance you and Conner's girlfriend hooked up after prom last year."
Chase goes a little green. Not literally—not like the bank of lockers behind him. But his reaction is enough to confirm my suspicion.
"Don't worry," I say. "Your secret's safe with me. I'm just gathering information."
"For what?"
"I have a big decision to make. Do you know if Paige is going to the Allemande?"
He shakes his head. "Emily would know."
Yes, she would. And she'll be thrilled if the rumor is true.
We should climb another flight of stairs to get to our next class, but I'm not convinced I'm going to Algebra. I head for the grand foyer. Chase walks with me. His mask of indifference looks a little more forced than usual.
"Did you warn Jasmine about Paige?" I ask. "Or did you warn me because of what happened to Jasmine?"
He starts to answer. I raise a hand to stop him. "I have a better question. Has Paige always been like this?"
Chase rolls his eyes. But he contradicts his exasperation by running a nervous hand through his spectacular hair. "That's a very vague question, Thea."
"Yeah, well so was your warning. I want to know what Paige was like before her mom died."
"Annoying," he says. "A lot like you at the moment."
I lift a hand and give him the finger. Chase sighs and looks at his watch. "Are you going to class?"
"I don't know."
He presses his lips into a snooty, judgmental line. The ticking of the wall clock seems to magnify our stand-off.
Wait—that clock. I let out a manic burst of laughter because it's the clock—or a replica of the heart-shaped one from the Oz movie. "You really do need this," I say, pointing it out to Chase.
It's hanging by a chain of daisies. I don't remember that from the movie, but I have no doubt it's accurate. Our headmistress, The Wizard, is all about details.
"I need a clock?" Chase asks.
His dismissive tone spurs me on. "This is the Emerald City." I gesture at all the green surrounding us. "I'm Dorothy, you're the Tin Man."
"Ah," he says. And his shoulders slump a little. "So you've decided I'm heartless after all?"
I shrug. "My Oz adventure isn't exactly wrapping up like the movie. I get the feeling our lion is faking the whole cowardly thing. It's her way of keeping her paws hooked on the Scarecrow. He might be finally starting to catch on, but I think it's too late."
Chase's eyes go squinty. "Now I'm seriously worried about you," he says. And it's probably the most genuine, heart-felt thing he's ever said to me.
I shift my gaze to the window. Snow is coming down in big floaty chunks I want to hold in my hand. "I'm done for the day," I say, heading for the door.
"Are you going home?"
"Yes. Tell Conner I have a stomach ache or something."
"I mean Dorothy," Chase says. "Back to Kansas."
His steely eyes seem darker than usual. Maybe even a little sad.
It would be easy to just go ahead and say yes, to walk away from all of this drama, but it wouldn't be smart. I have to stick with the advice that convinced me to come to Zachary.
"I don't know, Chase. I don't have enough information to make that decision."