A/N: So I haven't posted on here in a while and I wasn't planning on it, but then I thought about how many oneshots I have (a lot) and I went, "What if I start revising them and posting them?" They're all LM of course, but I finally decided to post on here, which is a big step for me honestly. I just get scared that people will judge my work and it makes me not want to post. Even starting this oneshot book is making me want to hide but oh well. And for future reference, yes, Jesy will be in these oneshots. Anyway, I'm starting this book off with Pesy because who doesn't love them. I was going to say this a short and sweet oneshot but that wouldn't the right thing. Let me stop talking. I hope you guys enjoy this and I'm going to seriously try and start posting ❤️
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Perrie sprinted into the house, Jade and Leigh-Anne quick to follow, waves of panic radiating off the three. The youngest of the group stumbled up the stairs at full speed, tears clouding her vision as she slammed open the bathroom door.
The first thing she saw was Jesy slumped against the wall, her chest not rising and falling even shallowly, making Perrie hold her breath involuntarily. The Essex native's skin was pale, Jade noticing this the moment Jesy was in her sights.
"Jessica, no. Please no. Please, please, please," Perrie rushed out in one breath before she let out a choked scream, the blonde collapsing to the ground on her knees. Everything in her snapped, her mind spiraling out of control. She felt lost, and she didn't know how to find her way.
"Why, Jesy?" The Geordie sobbed, Leigh staring at Jesy with glassy eyes before the first tear fell, her bottom lip trembling violently. Hatchi scrambled into the bathroom seconds later before bumping Perrie's leg with his wet nose, a small whine being his response to his owner's screams. "She t-told me s-she w-would never do t-this. S-She p-promised m-me."
"I know that, Perrie, but it got too much for her. We couldn't do anything and she wasn't willing to open up to us. We tried to help her. You know that," Jade spoke, her voice cracking with tears before she turned around and buried her face in Leigh-Anne's chest. Her body trembled with the intensity of her cries, the older woman hugging her tightly
Perrie took a shaky breath, her heart about to beat out of her chest. "Jesy. No. Please. You can't leave me. I'm not ready. I can't do this without you. I can't. I can't live with you, Jesminda. Please come back to me. I need you. I'm begging you," the blonde whimpered, her words laced with a certain desperation that they rarely showed. "I can't do this alone. My life isn't worth anything if you're not in it. When I met you, I felt my heart complete itself and now it's not. I can't fix it. Not without you. Please, Jes. Please let this be some sick thing where you're pranking us," Perrie forced herself to say, Jesy motionless as the blonde felt hot tears run down her face and pool at the corner of her lips before dripping down her neck.
"Jessica Louise Nelson. Why? Why did you do this? I know you're not selfish, but this was selfish. You did this. You killed yourself to escape this, but your real escape was Leigh-Anne, Jade, and I. We were right here. All of us. Our fans, your family, everyone, and you just left. You can't do this to me, Jesy. I love you. You thought no one loved you. I know if you heard me say that you would probably say you know that I love you, but if you knew that you wouldn't have hurt me. You hurt me, Jessica. You fucking broke me. This hurts so fucking much and I don't know what to do. How do we tell your family? How do we tell the public? How do we tell them that you killed yourself? How..." Perrie trailed off when her eyes caught sight of a letter sitting on the ground near Jesy, the Geordie grabbing it before noticing that there were two other ones addressed to Leigh and Jade. "For fucks sake, Jessica." She carefully handed the letters to the other two women in the room, her eyes full of deep pain.
Perrie opened hers before trying to read it, tears preventing her eyes from clearly seeing what was written. Her hands trembling probably made this all the harder. Her mind ran rampant as she read the first line, the blonde reading it in Jesy's voice before shaking her head and taking a small breath. "Can I read mine aloud?" Perrie glanced up slightly, her eyes catching Leigh-Anne's and Jade's, the brunette Geordie nodding as her girlfriend smiled and made the same gesture as Jade.
"I think we were both going to read ours later anyways. I need some time to process everything. Whenever you're ready you can read. We're not going anywhere," Leigh spoke gently, Perrie nodding as she took a deep breath, her eyes training on the paper again. Jade was already tearing up again, Leigh-Anne trying not to break in front of the girls but finding it difficult. After a moment, she finally let herself cry, her face pushed against Jade's hair.
"Hi, Pezza. When you read this, I'll already be long gone. That's okay though. I would've rather you not been here to stop me because you being here and making me not want to do this would've defeated the whole purpose of taking the pills, now wouldn't it?" Perrie stopped as she inhaled deeply, her hand covering her mouth as she saw Jade's jaw slacken slightly, tears rolling down her face as she nodded for the blonde to continue. "I know how selfish it was of me to do this. I'm sorry for that, but I couldn't free myself from the prison I built. I couldn't. I tried. So many times I tried, but I always ended up back on square one. I know that I want to kill myself right now, but I know that once I start to feel myself go, I'm going to regret doing so. I know I will. There's no doubt in my mind, but the urge to do it right now is overtaking everything that's telling me not to. If you want some reassurance, Perrie, I can tell you that the only thing on my mind will be you and the girls. You are my w-world," Perrie stuttered, the girl taking a breath, Leigh-Anne sitting behind Perrie as she hugged her, Jade resting her head on the blonde's shoulder. Feeling Jade and Leigh curl against her gave Perrie comfort, but not the kind she truly needed at this moment.
"You three are the reason that I kept going for so long. I want you to know that. I also want you to know that you weren't the reason I decided to do this. Don't feel guilty. There's no need for that. Don't feel guilty because you think you could've done something different. Knowing Jade, she'll probably have said that as soon as she found out." Jade buried her face in Perrie's neck as she muffled her soft cries, Leigh-Anne rubbing her back gently. "I already regret taking the pills if I'm honest. I thought I was ready to be done with everything, but I'm not. I feel horrible for doing this to you because you're special and you don't deserve any pain the world throws at you. You don't. Neither does Leigh-Anne or J-Jade. If I c-could go b-back in t-time and stop m-myself, I w-would. I p-promise. T-There is s-so m-much more that n-needs t-to be s-said which is w-why I r-recorded s-something for y-you in my p-phone. I l-love y-you," Perrie finished before she put the letter down and bit her lip harshly, tears flowing down her face as she rested her head on Jade's and held Leigh-Anne's arm around her.
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Perrie woke up, the Geordie gasping for her as she clenched the sheets tightly in her head. Jesy's eyes fluttered open before saw Perrie's state and sat up, her arm wrapping around the blonde's waist as she pulled her backwards. "What's wrong?"
Her voice was soft as she gazed at the blonde, Perrie suddenly kissing her as a tear slipped down her pale cheek, the Geordie pulling away after a second. Jesy wiped the tear away and frowned, her head tilted in concern and confusion.
"I had a dream. You overdosed and I found you. The girls and I found in the our bathroom. Dead. You wrote letters to the three of us and left something for me on your phone apparently, but I never got to hear it." Perrie was rambling and would've kept going, but then Jesy's other arm snaked around her waist, her body being forced impossibly closer to the older woman's. Jesy moved her hand and cupped the blonde's face as a tear fell down her tanned cheek and she smiled softly.
"I'm not leaving you, Pezza. Okay? I know it scares you, but I promise I won't-"
"That's what you said in the letter too and you died," Perrie whimpered out, Jesy shaking her head as she ran her thumb across Perrie's cheekbone.
"That wasn't me love. I'm right here. That was a dream. It wasn't real. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I'm very much alive and breathing. The promises I make to you are real, even if you sometimes find doubt in them. Have I ever broke my promises to you?" Perrie shook her head making Jesy push a strand of hair out of her face. "Exactly, babe. I'm not leaving you. I love you."
"I love you too," Perrie murmured back, Jesy leaning against the headboard as she gathered the Geordie in her arms and held her close. Their bedroom was silent for a second before Perrie broke it, her voice small as she rested her head on Jesy's shoulder. "Can you make me a promise?"
Jesy nodded in response but remember that Perrie couldn't see her head from how they were cuddling, making her speak up, "Of course, love. What is it?"
The younger woman took a deep breath before sighing, her body relaxing into Jesy's, "I want you to promise me that you're never going to leave me no matter how hard it gets. You're not going to let people's thoughts about you get into your head and ruin you. You're going to always let Jade, Leigh, and I help you if you need it. I want you to promise me that you're never going to take your life because it gets too much. I don't know how I would ever be able to deal with that. I want you to promise me that you're going to stick with the girls and I through thick and thin no mattter what we go through. I want you to live. I don't want to see you go. I know it happens to everyone at some point, but there's still so much I want to do with you that I can't if you're not here to do it with me. You're it for me, Jes. I met you and it felt like part of me was finally complete. That part of me that was missing, was you, Jesy. It was always you. It never wasn't. It never won't be you. You're the reason why I'm still here. You're so special to me and I don't even know how to tell you how much I love you-" Perrie stopped talking when she heard a sniffle, the blonde turning in Jesy's lap before seeing the Essex native wiping her tears quickly, a sad smile on her face.
The Geordie straddled her lap as she ran her fingers through wavy brown hair gently, "Don't cry, Jes. It makes me sad. I don't like it when you cry," Perrie whined, Jesy smiling before giggling at the Geordie's words, making Perrie smile. "Now, like I was saying... I don't know how to express my love for you. I'm convinced there's nothing I can do to say how much I love you. You, my sweet Jesminda, just have to take my word for it and believe that I would do anything and everything for you."
"I do take your word for it, Pez," Jesy paused, her eyes meeting Perrie's as she smiled before continuing, "I promise to never take my own life no matter what anyone says. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you here all alone. I can't even iamgine what kind of hell you and the grils would be living in if I did. I'm not going to let them get to my head and I'm going to always talk to one of you when I feel a certain way about something. I understand what you mean about dying. We do all die evetually, but there's loads of things I want to do with you before our time is up. I'm not ready to leave because we're not done living our lives to the fullest. Together and with the girls. I'm also quite sure our fans wouldn't be too happy if I chose to kill myself. There's too much left for us to do for me to do something like that. It will never happen, Pezza. Don't worry, love." Jesy kissed Perrie softly, making the blonde grin and play with a strand of the brunette's hair. Perrie pulled away slowly, her body pressed against Jesy's as she straddled her and hid her face in her neck. Her fingers twisted a strand of Jesy's hair around before she closed her eyes and felt her muscles loosen.
She let Jesy hold her close, their bodies pressed together in the comfortable silence that blanketed their room. Perrie could only hope that Jesy would never break any of her promises, because if she did, the Geordie didn't know what she would do with herself.
A soft sigh escaped her lips, a small smile appearing on her face as she imagined her and Jesy's future together, the younger woman only being able to hope and pray that they would have one.