"WH — WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
the abrupt action of the boy tearing up pulls you out of your reverie. you find yourself feeling embarrassed for thinking he was going to kiss you. i should have known better, you think. he doesn't even see me that way.
stupid, stupid, stupid.
you reach for his shoulders, pulling him closer. "are you hurt or something? oh my god, you said you were okay! bokuto! you just said we have to be more honest with eachother,"
you ramble, checking his arms and face for anywhere he might have gotten hurt. fingers rolling up his sleeves and lightly grazing his skin, your lips are pulled into a frown. "did i say something?"
"n - no, you didn't say anything, i promise." he closes his eyes when you reach forward, the tips of your fingers brushing against his gorgeous wet eyelashes, wiping away his tears. the boy laughs, a sad sound. "i just - it's stupid, i'm sorry."
bokuto almost wants to cry again. why did he even think about kissing you? if he had leaned in, pressed his lips to — no.
no, that would be it. the end of this relationship, he'd lose you forever.
even as a friend.
better this, than whatever future that would have brought ... right?
"what do 'ya mean?" you ask him softly, watching as he rubs his eyes. when he looks back at you, his face is red and puffy, and his hair's a complete mess. strands of white and silver sticking up, golden eyes clear, cleansed by crystal tears. "what's stupid? it's okay to cry, you know." a quiet giggle slips past your lips, "you just ... caught me off guard."
"you're laughing at me!" he cries, eyes welling up with tears again, an accusatory finger pointed at you, bokuto turns away, crossing his arms and tucking into himself. "just forget it, y/n. you wouldn't understand it anyways, i told you." he says in a low voice, "it's stupid."
"oh, kou. you actual dork." you smile, scooting closer to him. "i'm not laughing at you, promise." when you move towards his side of the carriage, the metal beneath you groans, a low creaking sound. "now tell me, please, why did 'ya suddenly burst into tears."
he glances at you, before looking back at his feet. "do you ever just feel so happy you could cry?"
"wait, so those were.." you scrunch your nose, "happy tears? i thought you were, like, having a real serious mood swing or something."
"no!!" he pouts, shaking his head. "it just, i just, you know, in that moment — i was so confused? but happy, because i'd gotten this choice." he mumbles, "but it's like knowing that although you can go through with something, it's not always going to go well." bokuto wearily runs his hands over his face, sighing. "thinking about it just made me want to cry, so i did. it just felt like —"
"trepidation." you say, "like you were so happy, because you'd be able to do something really important to you," you reach out and lace your fingers with his, fingers cold from the metal of the ferris wheel's carriage. "but if you did do it, you could mess things up?"
he says nothing for a moment, and the silence stretches on, becoming something tangible, something that could be broken by a single word, but settles over the two of you for now.
finally, bokuto says, "yes. it's stupid to cry about, but i just ... this was a really big choice for me." he confesses lowly, gaze downcast on your intertwined fingers. the moon envelops you both in her pale glow, and as if he wasn't just crying, bokuto laughs.
"your hands are cold, y/n."
"yours are just as cold." you smile at the sound of his laughter, it's like being enveloped in golden honey, you could almost drown in it, lose yourself in the sweet sound and not even realise. "this reminds me of when we went to that ski resort." you hum, leaning against the boys frame.
bokuto shakes his head, welcoming you with an arm over your shoulder. "that was embarassing." he says, cringing at the memory, "let's not talk about that."
"no," you meet his eyes, a grin painted on your pretty lips. "let's talk about it," you say, "in excruciating detail."
an eleven-and-three-quarters year old y/n presses her face against the window. her eyes light up at the sight of snow, as it falls slowly to the ground. bokuto leans against a wall, sunglasses too big for his baby face propped on his little nose and a very oversized leather jacket lazily draped off his shoulders.
he coughs, hoping his crush will notice just how cool he looks.
she doesn't, too fixated on the snow. "kou!!" she sighs in awe, tapping a finger against the window, "come look at the snow! it's so cool!!" she practically swoons, and bokuto crosses his arms, frowning. he gets off the wall, makes his way to her.
"if you like the snow that much," the boy frowns, now standing besides her. "maybe you should go marry it." he realises his shoulders are touching hers, and this thought causes his cheeks to flush. y/n elbows him in the ribs, glancing back at the boy and his red face.
"you're watching it too, dumbass!"
"hey!!!" bokuto practically jumps back in shock, "i'm gonna tell your mum you said the d word!"
"that's not even the d word!!!" y/n exclaims, finally tearing her eyes away from the mountains blanketed in white and staring at the boy in front of her. "you're just lame!"
"am not!!" he cries, pointing to his sunglasses. "you see these?? these are my dad's! he said only cool boys wear them!!" bokuto beams, hands on his hips and a proud smile on his lips. "and my mum said i look real cute!"
"then prove that you're a cool boy!" you stick your tongue out and turn on your heels, back to watching the snowfall. the snowflakes dance across the sky, cold and beautiful — come to land on the front of the wooden building that is the ski resort.
"fine! i'll go out and catch a snowflake on my tongue like in those movies." bokuto exclaims, trudging to the front door and grabbing his warmest coat. y/n follows him with wide, curious eyes and her heart in her throat.
both children's parents had said multiple times for the two to be careful and not go outside without an adult. it was cold and dangerous, especially in a place away from home. but when it came to getting y/n's attention - was there anything the little boy wouldn't resort to?
and maybe it was this urge to rush into stupid situations for some sweet second of attention that ended with bokuto getting his tongue stuck to an icicle hanging off the ski resort's patio.
talking about the ski trip is like wandering back into the past that has shaped the two of you and brought you both here. and as an hour passes and the ferris wheel is once again turning, going around and around in circles - playing the same old tune.
you step off the carriage, glad to be back on solid ground and he can't help but smile. before he can reach out, bokuto is led away by an impatient doctor with a pack of soft white bandages that find themselves wrapped around his legs.
and once again, he loses you.
the thought comes to him in a fleeting moment, clearer than ever.
undeniably, he is still the same little boy, eager for attention from the girl he holds dear. bokuto's mind wanders away. his eyes are looking at the people that pass by in front of him, some worried - still looking for friends and family, others glad that the lights are back on.
colourful lights flashing and blinking and so, so distracting.