Chapter thirty-four. You are a memory.
Kimberly Casey
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(Please play "the night we met" by Lord huron.)
I'm getting married to the love of my life. The one man I'm not scared of. He would never hurt me, or even look at me in the bad way. This is the best decision in my whole life.
"I love it!" I say, I pull on the necklace on my neck. It's so simple but yet so elegant. The gold is making my black hair pop, and it makes my skin look more tan.
"I'm glad." Desta smiles. The green eyes looking deep into mine. I feel a weird feeling in my body, but I love it. I'm so in love.
"You know. It's torture to love you." Desta says. I look confused at him. What is that supposed to mean?
"I love you so much that it hurts. And I'm so scared that I might lose you...I didn't live before I met you. Everything surrounded my life with work and more work. Honestly, you've saved my whole life. And I have no idea how to thank you." Desta takes my hand in his, and put it on his cheek. My heart skips a beat at the gesture. He wants me to calm him down.
"Oh my love. You've saved me so many times. I've searched for a trail to follow for so many years. But I've had no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do...but now that I've met you. My whole life is complete. I wish I could take back the night we met. And I don't mean the night you saved me...I mean the night we talked with eachother. When you hadn't touched me yet, or talked to me. When we sat on the bed, and spoke about your middle name, Ally and everything. Because that's the night I fell in love with you..."
Tears were floading down his cheeks. And I couldn't help but to cry myself. I had no idea how my life would look like, and hell, I don't even know how my life will look like next year! But I know that I'll always be in love with this man. My man...Desta Castello.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that...without anyone. I'm so sorry." He looks at me with so much pain in his eyes. I cry harder, at both the scene in front of me but also the memories. It was so lonely...I was so lonely. But I guess god had other plans. He saw me suffer...or now, if there is a god...
"Come here," Desta pulls me into his embrace, and holds me tight. I pull my arms around him, tight. And so does he. We don't let eachother go. And I will never do that.
"I know that there will never be a rest for me...but please. Just hold me tonight and don't let me go. Let me think that this is peace. Let me feel how it is to feel peace for once..." And so I do. I hold him, as he cries in my arms. As his tears running down my chest and my shirt. But I hold him. I hold my king.
_
Desta Castello
"Why did the stars need you more then I did?"
I sit on the balcony, chewing on the nail on my thumb. The beer bottle in my left hand, and my back resting on the chair. The stars are shining so much tonight, and I look up at one of them. The one that shines the most. My mom...
Today is seventeen years since she was taken away from me. And two months since Ivanna died. The heavy feeling in my chest stays there. As it always does. I know that as a mafia boss you'll never get rest...but I can't help to feel...
Sad?
If I could I would leave this life. But I know that people need me. The underworld needs someone who's still loyal. But I want to have a somewhat normal life. But I think I know how to have that now. I have my queen, and I will marry her.
With glossy eyes I look up at the stars, and my mothers ring in my hand. I look down at the ring. The diamonds shining bright in the night. I smile at the thought of seeing Kimberly in a wedding dress. With my name as her last. With the knowing that she'll be mine for the rest of my life. It's going to be a good day..
I cleared my throat. If someone whould've told me one year ago that this his how my life will look like...I would have laughed them straight up in the face. How silly. But now is's a reality. It all started with family, loyalty and a promise.
And it will end with family...loyalty and a promise. I don't know if I'm alive five years in the future. The mafia lifestyle is dangerous. A dangerous world...but I will do everything in my power to have Kimberly, until my last breath. I will not turn Sandro down.
I look up again at my mom. A tear falling down my cheek...
"I needed you so much. I don't know if you're proud of me. The things I've done to people is not human. And I know that you hated this life, and you're probably in a better place now, but hell...I miss you. You've always been my role model. My hope, the beginning of my loyalty. The start of this journey..." my eyes now filled with tears.
"Please god...just never take me back to that one night. Never let me see that again. I can't handle something like that again. And I won't."
Flashbacks from my life erupt in my mind as tears run down my face. The first time I met Sandro, when I read the letter he gave me. The first time I rescued Kimberly. And how will the last time look like? How will my death be?
Deep thoughts, but mostly one that gets my attention. How will my life look like?
Ally. Let me go...
Ivanna. Sing in heaven, like you did when we were kids. Sing so I can hear you.
Mom. Caress my cheek like you did, let me smell you once again, let me hear your voice just one more time.
Sandro. Let me make you proud. Let me earn your daughter, let me show you that I am the man you wanted me to be.
But most of all...let me go. Let my mind rest. Let me show all of you that I can. I can be everything you all hoped for, I can be a man. I can be...everything except a monster. Because that's the picture I can imagine many people having of me, but just let me prove them wrong.
Because I'm not. Not anymore.
_
"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Desta. Happy birthday to you..." I wake up with Kimberly in front of me. My white shirt open as I lay in the bed, my pants open and my sight a bit foggy.
"What's this?" I sit up against the wall, a smile on my face.
"Happy birthday my dear!" Kimberly sits down besides me, a cup of coffe in her hand, and a cupcake in the other with the number thirty-four on it.
"Is it my birthday?" I ask. In shock.
"Yes? Oh no, have you forgotten your own birthday?!" Kimberly says, sadness in her voice. Her eyes looks at me like a sad little puppy.
"Well...I haven't really celebrated my birthday in..." I keep thinking.
"Seventeen years?" She says. I switch my eyes to hers. And nod.
Wow it's been seventeen years since I celebrated my last birthday...shit.
"Now it's going to be a thing every year! I will not miss it, once!" She puts her finger up, and looks like a kid on christmas. I chuckle. I pull her in for a kiss. She giggles in the kiss.
I needed this actually, after well, the night I had while she was sleeping.
She pulls away, and smiles. "What are we waiting for! Open it up!!" She gives me a small present. I quirk my eyebrow. "A present?" She nods with excitement. "Ooo" I tease her. She punches my arm slighlty. I chuckle.
"Opeeeennn!" She says. I do as I'm told, and I open it up. I stare at the present with wide eyes.
"Kimberly!" I say, with shock and amazement. She looks so happy. She bites her lip, but I'm so fixated with the present. I get it out of the box.
It's a watch. But not just any watch...it's an IWC watch. And in the box it says something.
"Read it out loud." She says. Happiness in her brown eyes. I could watch them all day...so gorgeous.
"Time every moment when you feel happy, time every moment you feel like life is not real, and remember those days when the bad comes your way.
Yours, Kimberly Castello. "
"Kimberly, do you know how much this cost?" I say. But she just giggles and bites her lip. I put it on my wrist and it fits perfectly.
"Thank you my love. This is something I'll never take off." I pull her into my lap.
"Careful so the coffe doesn't spill!" She tries to save the coffe cup, but I don't care.
"Schhh, just let me hold you," I kiss her passionately. My fingers in her hair making her stay close to me. I smell her parfume. The smell I love the most. But something...something makes me stop my tracks.
"Kimberly. That perfume?" She pulls away and look down at me, confusion in her eyes.
"Yes?" She doesn't get it. But I do. It's the exact same perfume my mother had. She looks at me concerned but I smile towards her, as I feel tears in my eyes.
"My mom had the same perfume." I say. The looks down and she looks a bit a shamed.
"I can take a shower and chamge clothes! Sorry, I bought it yesterday..." she tries to stand up, but I pull her back down.
"No, I like it. It makes me feel safe..." a tear escape my eye. Kimberly takes her thumb and wipe it off my face. I smile and hug her tight.
"It's seventeen years ago my mom died." I say. She freeze in her position. She hugs me tighter.
"I'm so sorry..." she says. I can hear the sadness in her voice. But I feel so safe in her safe, and it's okay. I do mourn her, but the sadness isn't as intense as it usualy is. I think that Kimberly's presence makes it better. Without her I would probably break down.
Flashback ten years ago.
The adrenalin in my body makes me forget about the pain. The alcohol in my body is making my mind foggy and so my sight.
I open the door to the mansion, and there Sandro stands. With his arma crossed and a unsatisfied face.
"Where the hell have you been?" He asks. It's late and I had training earlier, but instead I were out, drinking alcohol and having sex with some girl I don't remember the name of.
"Drinking..." my voice is low, and I don't even remember how I got home. I walk up the stairs and loock myself in my room. I could hear Sandro's steps outside. Waiting for me. But I ignored him.
I walked into the room, pulling out the box that laid under my bed. I took out the razer blade and the drugs that were in my pocket. I sat down on the bed, with a vodka bottle on the bedstand. I took a sip, before I draged the blade deep into my wrist. The blood were quickly dropping down my wrist, onto the floor.
"Nicola, open the damn door. What the hell are you doing?" Sandro yelled. I mumbled something but I couldn't even hear what I said myself. The blood were dropping down the bed, making the white sheet red. I took one more sip, before I opened the bag of the drugs. I poured the powder on my hand, and breathed in the powder. It stung in my nose but it made my mind at ease.
I laid down my bed. Thinking of my mom. Of my dad...of my sister. I held the blade in my hand. Thinking of how my life would have looked like if I just disappeared. If I just let the blood coming, and didn't stop it.
I take the blade and push it harsh into my throat. I can feel how the warm blood runs down my neck and onto the pillow. And just as I cough up blood, the door breaks open and Sandro runs in.
"Nicola for fucksake!!" I can't speak. The blood filling up my mouth and pouring out my neck and mouth. But I feel at peace. I'm feeling free...the knowledge that the pain will soon be over.
And there I black out.
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Flashback ends.
I told Kimberly. Tears running down her face.
"I woke up the day after at the hospital. I had lost much blood, but thanks to yout father he saved my life. He had put pressure and called for help. I then decided to do tattoos over my scars to...hide them? I didn't want to see them everywhere on my body. So I tattooed my throat and my arms. But you can still feel the scar." I took her hand, and placed it right where the scar started. She flinched but she smiled at me.
"I'm so happy he saved you. And I'm so happy you never...you know, did it. Then I wouldn't be here, alive. And with you." I kissed her. Hard. I then hugged her and pulled her close.
"I never want to leave you..." she mumbled into my chest as I grazed her hair. I smiled and looked out through the balcony window. I feel peace now in my life. With this woman.
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Thoughts?