"some days I am more wolf than woman and I am still learning how to stop apologizing for my wild." ~ Nikita Gill
~march 1976~
Artemis and Sirius's newly public relationship resulted in shockwaves spreading through Hogwarts- at least the way Gryffindor saw it. Most of the castle didn't seem to notice or care, but for the groups in which the two of them had formed a reputation, this was a whole new era. Once the initial shock of it all wore off their friends, who had never known Sirius or Artemis to ever have any sort of long-lasting relationship, the other Marauders, Lily, Marlene, and Mary all pooled their efforts to tease the two of them as much as possible. It was strange, seeing Sirius and Artemis so happy all of a sudden, but they'd learned not to question them.
Spring was coming and while the cold weather still lasted through March, high spirits were evident all throughout the castle. Sirius and Artemis strode down to breakfast one morning hand-in-hand, laughing to each other about an argument they'd witnessed in the common room between two third years. "That used to be us, you know," said Sirius. "I mean, we obviously fought about more important matters-"
"Oh yeah," Artemis scoffed, "more important matters like who was higher in the class, who had the best plan for sneaking out-"
"-And of course, who could get the hottest Valentine's date."
She grinned up at him. "I think I won this year."
"Oh, stop it, you'll make me blush." But he was staring down at her like she was his entire world.
They settled themselves in their usual seats at the breakfast table, just as James was recounting an impressive save he'd made during quidditch practice that morning and Marlene and Emmeline shouted him down with their own stories of how they'd had to make even more heroic attempts to save him. It was the usual chaos of the Gryffindor table. Artemis listened to the debates as she scooped scrambled eggs onto her plate and then some onto Remus's, which looked far too empty. He looked up at her in mild protest, but she ignored him and leaned over to Sirius. "Do you think it's going to lose all the excitement?"
"What?"
"Like- now that people know. Is it going to die out?"
He chewed his potatoes thoughtfully, considering the question. He'd been a little concerned about it too. "I don't... think so," he murmured back slowly. "But let's just take it slow and see."
"Yeah, good plan."
~
In Regulus's mind, he had a very clear choice. It wasn't between becoming a Death Eater and not. No, that would be too easy. He'd wanted to follow in his father's footsteps since he was a child. He'd dreamed of the days of an uprising from the Dark Lord, a man he'd never met but idolized like a god in his mind. His friends were all joining up. Lucius Malfoy and Percy Goyle had done it years back and now it was time for Rudolphus Lestrange, Netrephus Scabior, and... Regulus Black. He'd been asked to join up. He'd been asked about a million times, and he kept brushing them off. Why- he couldn't say. There was a small part of him that didn't want to grow up as fast as Lucius and Percy and his friends. He wanted to stay a drunken kid in Slytherin forever, lounging around at parties and trying to get the attention of girls.
Or one girl in particular. That was where the choice came in. He knew Artemis would fight directly against dark wizards the second she got out of school. It may not be in her blood, but it was in her nature. She would fight against him, he knew it. She wouldn't let the bias of their friendship over the years stop her. So he had a choice. Them or her. He could join her. If he told her he would take her side, she'd protect him, he knew it.
She was leaning up against the back of the Gryffindor locker rooms after his quidditch match on Friday, smoking a cigarette. She was alone at last. Regulus hadn't been able to find a time when she wasn't surrounded by a loud and obnoxious group of friends, or worse- Sirius.
He approached her, still in his quidditch robes, his broom slung over his shoulder. "Hey."
She looked up. "Hey, good game. Pity Emmeline's a better seeker."
"Pity our beaters are scared to knock a girl out of the sky."
She laughed softly and doused her cigarette in the mud by her feet, crushing it with the heel of her boot. "What's up, Reg? Why aren't you changing with everyone else?"
"I needed to talk to you." She gave him a quizzical look, but didn't say anything. This was the hard part. He'd rehearsed his speech to her a hundred times in his head, but getting words out while those piercing blue eyes were staring at him was a whole other ball game. "Look... remember the Christmas party?"
"No," she said sarcastically. "Not at all."
"Right." He shifted from foot to foot and looked down at the sat, soggy looking cigarette in the mud. "Listen, everything you said, everything you were worried about- it's true." He wouldn't look at her- couldn't look at her. "All of it. They- um- they want me to join up. And... I'm going to. At least I think so."
Her mouth feel ever so slightly agape. "Reg..."
"No, don't say anything right now." He didn't think he could handle her worry on top of everything else. "Artemis, I- I'm-" He didn't know if he could do it. "I'm in love with you."
It felt like the breath had been knocked from Artemis's lungs. A cold, guilty feeling crept into her chest. "I- what?"
"I'm in love with you, Artemis." Now that he'd said it, the words flowed much more easily. "And you don't have to answer me now, you really don't, but you're the only person I've ever loved. I can't get you out of my head, I've loved you since I was eleven years old. And if you say yes- if you love me back, then I won't-"
"Regulus-"
"I won't-"
"Regulus, stop."
He stopped and looked up, finally meeting her eyes. He knew the answer before she opened her mouth to say it.
"Regulus, I dunno if you heard... I'm, um-" This was the most he'd ever seen her struggle to speak. "I'm with Sirius."
It came out as no more than a whisper, but it felt like a scream in Regulus's head. "You're-"
"We started dating on Valentine's Day," she said softly, folding her arms over her chest and hugging her coat to herself. It was only then he realized it was Sirius's leather jacket. The one he wouldn't let anyone touch for fear of it getting ruined. "I thought you knew, Reg, really I did. I didn't even think to tell you, I'm- I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he said hoarsely. "No, I should've- I should've known. Yeah, you guys are good together, it's- it's alright. It's on me."
She was still staring at him with those pitying eyes. He wanted to walk away, but it didn't feel right now. "Reg, don't join up. We can keep you safe, we'll be out of Hogwarts after next year and when you leave you can stay with us- it'll be nice."
"I can't-"
"We can forget all of this, we really can. Just don't join up." She was pleading now, but she didn't care.
He steeled himself, not willing to cry in front of her. "No, I mean I can't. I've got to join up. It's just my... my life. It's not the same as you and Sirius, I've got to do this."
She wanted to keep arguing, but something urged her to leave him alone. She couldn't change him. She could only hope he'd changed himself. "Our door will always be open to you," she said, her voice still hushed. "Anytime you need anything. I'll be here to help."
"Thanks."
She slipped off of the wall and started back towards the castle, arms still hugged to herself, probably to tell Sirius his brother had just made a fool of himself. Regulus watched her go, then looked back down at the cigarette in the mud. Then, in one motion, he curled his fist and punched the wall of the locker rooms, hard enough to break his knuckles. He felt the blood on his hand before he saw it, but he merely resisted the urge to groan out loud and swiped it off on his robes, staining the green with dark red. Then, turning on his heel, he strode up towards the castle.
Peter and Mary skipped the match to have a painting party in the girls' dormitory instead. Both felt a little bad about missing out on supporting their friends, but it was rainy and they figured there would be more matches to go to. Instead, they sat on the floor in front of Mary's bed, candles burning everywhere and Rose, the cat, purring in Peter's lap. They'd made a mess of the place, spreading canvases and paints everywhere, but the other girls wouldn't be back until hours after the match so they didn't worry about it.
Mary was free-handing a portrait of Peter. It was her fourth or fifth of the kind, she loved drawing his eyes most of all and the way they reflected light. Peter always marveled at how different each picture of him was, and how she brought out features he'd never even given a second look. He'd made a lack-luster drawing of a tree, and then leaned back against the bed and let Mary do her work. He closed his eyes and listened to the tapping of the rain on the window in the alcove and the humming purrs of Rose, mixed with Mary's light humming as she painted, and he thought, if life was just like this. All the time. Then, I could truly be happy.
"Open your eyes, Pete," Mary said softly.
He did. She was scrutinizing him, a pencil tucked into her hair and another perched in her hand, a little easel propped in front of her. He always relished the look on her face when she was making art. They were the few moments when she seemed fully and completely present in the world, her head out of the clouds, her eyes sharp and thoughtful. Her lips pressed against each other in concentration, and she didn't even notice him staring. She was the most beautiful girl in the world, and she'd chosen him to draw. Peter was always astonished when he thought about it.
"Wait, stay right there," she commanded, her voice lilting like she was singing a song. "I like the lighting there."
"Let me know when you're done." He stayed perfectly still, imagining himself as a statue. He didn't want to mess up her picture. She always hated it when her subjects moved, although she wouldn't yell at them. He'd never seen her truly angry at anyone in his life. She was safe. He didn't have to worry about a thing when she was around.
He stayed like that for a long time, focusing on the ways Mary's expression changed as she drew and how her eyes glided over his face before burying back down in the paper to make a few more marks. "Alright, you can move now," she said, sitting back and admiring her handiwork.
"Can I see?" He leaned forward.
She laughed and pushed the canvas away. "No, you know you can't look at it until it's completely done."
"Oh, come off it, Mary. You know you wanna show me."
She smiled at his teasing expression, the little gap in his front teeth showing, and shook her head. "No way. Not until it's finished." She reached up and pulled her hair from the bun perched in the back of her head, letting it cascade in long dark waves around her shoulders.
Peter let out a dramatic sigh and reached for the guitar in the corner of the room. "I wish I knew how to play," he said, plucking idly at the strings. "James tried to teach me, but he's not very good himself."
"He only knows campfire songs," said Mary. "You know, three chords and all." Her tone wasn't patronizing, only mildly disapproving. She'd never exactly taken a liking to James, with all of his loud antics and his tendency to get into trouble over the smallest things. She stood up on her knees and shuffled over to Peter, leaning over his shoulder. "Here, I'll show you a few chords."
Ever so gently, she placed her own fingers over Peter's, guiding them to different strings to make out the chords of a Fleetwood Mac song. He was acutely aware of the flowery scent of her perfume and the way her hair brushed against his face when she leaned over him. "Do you only know muggle songs?" he asked, distracting himself.
"I know a few Spellbound songs, but rock n roll hasn't exactly hit the wizarding world yet," she said, laughter lingering in her voice.
He nodded and let her make his hand form a G chord. "We're always a little behind."
She nodded and sat back on her heels, letting go of his hand only to rest her head on his shoulder. He kept plucking his way through the chords she'd shown him, trying to find some sort of tune.
The air was cold, but that didn't stop Marlene from opening the window on the back stairwell behind Gryffindor Tower. It was a place not many people frequented, and it was for that precise reason it was her favorite place in the castle. She sat down on the window ledge and hung one leg out into the open air, the other firmly planted on the hardwood floor.
She heard footsteps on the stairs and made a move to leave, but it was only Remus, sneaking back up to the tower with two bottles of firewhisky balanced in his arms. "Aren't you going to the party?" he asked, pausing when he spotted Marlene.
"I'm not a big fan of partying in broad daylight," she said, gesturing out to the window at the newly setting sun outside.
He grinned and, to her surprise, settled himself on the other end of the window ledge. "I'll wait with you then." He unscrewed the tops of one of the bottles and tipped it to his lips before handing it over to her. "Everyone in Gryffindor's going crazy anyways and it gets annoying after awhile."
She took a sip, still eyeing him curiously. "Why?"
"Well, because we won the match and all- I mean, I figured you'd know that, being on the team and everything." His voice was dripping with sarcasm, but he had a pleasant smile on his face and his eyes were kind.
She grinned and handed the bottle back to him. "No, stupid. I mean why are you waiting with me?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
It was a stupid question. Marlene and Remus had never been friends; they rarely exchanged more than a few words. The rift between James and Lily had spread to all of their freidns, excluding Artemis, of course. She was the only bridge between them. "Well, I was talking to Peter earlier, and we sort of figured that now Sirius and Artemis are dating, maybe it's time to actually talk to the other people in our year; namely, you, Lily, and Mary."
"Have fun trying to talk to Lily," Marlene snorted.
"Hey, I like Lily!" He held his hands up in defense. "You know I never condoned James being an idiot."
Marlene raised her eyebrows and took the bottle back. "You never tried to stop him either."
"Touche."
Marlene kept meaning to get up and go to the party, but an hour later, she was still sitting in the window with Remus, laughing so hard her sides hurt over his rendition of the petty drama their group had undergone over the years. It felt good to reminisce. Marlene always refrained from looking into the past before, but Remus seemed to dwell on it in the best way. "How have we not been friends all these years?" she asked at last, cradling the firewhisky bottle between her hands.
"What d'you mean?" The traces of laughter were still evident on Remus's face.
"I mean," said Marlene, leaning forward almost conspiratorially, "-we're both in Gryffindor. We're both gay as hell. And we both absolutely hate our friends sometimes. I think we've been missing out."
He leaned back, resting his knee on the bottom of the open window pane. "I think you're right. Maybe we should get them back for all these years of stress."
"Honestly, I think I'm aging faster just from Artemis's boy drama over the years."
He grinned, then looked over his shoulder. Footsteps echoed in the stairwell and Artemis's head appeared around the corner of the landing. "Speaking of which," Remus said, taking the bottle from Marlene and offering it to Artemis.
She shook her head and approached them, a grim expression on her face, Sirius's jacket wrapped tightly around herself and her arms hugged to her body. "What're you two doing?"
"Catching up," said Remus, his words ever so slightly slurred.
A smile crossed over her otherwise pale and solemn face. "Hasn't anyone ever told you not to drink near an open window? God, you're both going to fall."
Marlene and Remus looked up at her expectantly.
Her expression changed in an instant. "Shit, I sound just like Lily. I'm not the mum friend, give me that bottle."
"There it is," Marlene giggled as Remus handed over the bottle. "What's up with you?"
"Yeah, you're all... shaken up," said Remus, suddenly concerned. "Did something happen?"
Artemis shook her head and raked her fingers through her hair, a sure sign something definitely had happened. She'd been wandering around the grounds ever since her talk with Regulus, stressing herself out over every detail of it. If he joined up with the dark side, it would be her fault. But then again... she was with Sirius. And she was happy to be with Sirius. She'd never felt that way towards Regulus save the brief kiss they'd shared during her fifth year. And even that, she reminded herself, was pure impulse.
"No," she said resolutely, taking a sip from the bottle and handing it back to Remus. "No, I'm just- I've just got to find Sirius."
Remus and Marlene exchanged a look, and then burst into drunken giggles the second she disappeared. "That," said Marlene, pointing after Artemis, "-I love her to death, but that is what's going to turn my hair gray by thirty."