Chapter twenty. Living
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[Ten years ago]
[Nicola is twenty-three years old here]
Nicola Castello
The water is moving by the wind. And the waves can be big and scary,and so dangerous. The water could kill you in the matter of minutes with it's force and it's way to fill up your lungs until your lungs scream for air and your heart thumping and hurting. Your brain giving up after the long break of oxygen.
The same ocean that you could watch for hours,could also be the last thing you will see but from it's dangerous part.
That's how it feels like when you're alive. The monster inside of you just wants to go out into the water and breathe in as much water you can,put a stone on your feet so you're being dragged down to the bottom...but I'm already there.
"I can't do it anymore,Sandro. I'm to broken and I don't know if I want this anymore. I want to see my mama this boy once had. That woman who made the best food when you came home,the mom that comforted her daughter and son...my mom."
The pen on the paper made it's way on it like butter. The words coming out perfect and my emotions right onto the paper. The tears that was threatning to spill,was almost out and one tear dropped down onto the paper.
"This feeling of being the man what everyone has been hoping for-I can't. I might've been the next don of the mafia my father once made. But that line disappeared as soon as he slit the throat of my mother and took my sister. Only god knows I've tried,but I'm ready to come home. Home to my mother..."
-Desta Nicola Castello
I stood up from the chair and took the paper in my hand. I walked out of the room,but looking once more before I shut the door and made my way to Sandro's room.
"Morning,Boss"
I gave the guard a nod and walked into his room. I put the paper on his desk and exhaled. I looked one last time in his office. The black chair Sandro's sitting in while he's having his important calls. The desk me and so many people been looking at while his eyes has been burning at us. The paintings on the walls my mother painted to him...the small fingerprint of my own thumb on one of them.
One last glimpse before I walked out
One place I want to be right now is in the arms of my mother. And I know that I will be,in a few minutes.
_
The minutes went by as I was driving my way to the ocean,I knew was my mom's favorite place to be at. We used to go there alot when I was a kid and I loved it too.
I parked the car and stepped out into the hot summer breeze. The sun shining on my skin and onto my black clothes,which made me feel warm. The black jeans and the black T-shirt made me warm and almost sweat out of the weather. But I loved it.
The gun in my waist band made my heart flutter with almost...excitment? The fact that soon...it all will be over and I can finally be free from this fucking hell,called Living.
I walked to a place away from the families and the people on the beach. After a few minutes of walking,people looking strangely at me for wearing what I was wearing,I was at my destination. The sun on it's full display and the hot breeze. The waves and the smell of the ocean made me close my eyes and breathe in the smell.
Love it.
I opened my eyes and looked around just one more time before I was sure that no one was here and would see this. I took my gun and loaded it and put it against my head. One push with my finger and it all will be over. Once...and...for...all.
"Volim te,mama."
(I love you,mom)
"DESTA! DON'T YOU DARE PULL THAT FUCKING TRIGGER SON!"
Sandro's voice came from behind me. My eyes opened quickly before I spoke up,
"I can't Sandro. And I'm sorry...but I can't anymore. I'm going home,to my mom."
Third person POV
The loud sound of a gun being fired erupted on the beach and the twenty-three year old-soon-to-be mafia boss fell onto the sand and the voice of Sandro Casey could be heard on the whole beach.
"NO!!"
He couldn't belive the sight infront of him. The man he calls son,fell to the ground with blood on his head and a gun wound. He sprinted fast towards him with his four men by his side,putting pressure on the wound.
"Boss,if he's alive then it is a miracle-"
"HE IS ALIVE! IVANKA WOULDN'T ALLOW HIM TO DIE THIS SOON! YOU HEAR ME?"
The furious man yelled. The man was quiet as he was trying his best to save the man who laid in front of him.
"Please don't you dare fucking leaving me like this,Desta!"
_
The seconds felt like hours and the hours felt like years...until the doctor came and talked to Sandro.
"He's alive. And I have no idea how that is possible as the bullet really went through his head,but luckily stopped before it really could penetrate the brain...Me and my collegues have never seen anything like this before."
Sandro could finally breathe again.
"He will be sedated for a few days or maybe weeks...and when he wakes up it will be a few months of rehab but then...he's good to go."
"Thank you,doctor. I'm really glad to hear that."
The doctor noded and walked away.
Life can be so cruel. Life can be horrible and sometimes you want to end it all. But in the end...what is it worth?
Only you can decide what you want to do with your life. No one else should be in your way of your will.
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Nicola Castello
"Don't you have something in that thick skull of yours?!" Sandro yells at me. The hospital smell is making me nauseous and my head ache. I turn my head towards him,looking into his brown eyes. He looks furious.
"Yes I do. It's the only thing that I'm good at. Using my brain when shit comes down." Sandro lets out a scoff.
"Son...listen to me. Why didn't you come to me? You didn't have to shoot yourself in the head for fucksake!" He says. The white hospital chair he's sitting in makes a sound at his weight.
"And what for? You can't kill the voices in my head,Sandro. No one can." It's true. I've been trying with everything. Women,alcohol...pills-but still nothing fucking works. But once I finally found the cure;it's taken away from me. Like I'm some child,that can't make my own choices.
"Desta listen to me." I turned to look at him again. Knowing that he would slap me if I wouldn't look at him when calling for my name. He looked at me with a stern look on his face. But in his eyes I could see the sadness,the intensr pain in them,which wasn't normal to see in those brown eyes of his.
"I can't loose you. You aren't my son by blood but you're sure as hell just as much like my own kid. Life is tough,it will bring you down to your knees until you beg for it to stop but you need to keep going. Keep it up. Show up,what's stoping you?" He asks. He leans forward,getting a closer look at my eyes.
"Nothing..."
"No. It's you that's stoping yourself. You need to keep going,keep pushing. Tears will be spilled,blood will be spilled and many lives will be lost. But you need to keep it going. One day I won't be here to save you,to stop you from pulling that trigger...but I sure as hell hope that there will be somebody else one day..."
I look out through the window. The sun is settling down and the sky is in a pink colour which is really pretty...
I miss Ivanna. My mother...hell even my father. He wasn't someone who I called dad,but he was still my father by blood. We shared many things in common even though I don't want to admit it most of the time. But I wonder what they did to Ivanna. How they killed her and if she suffered.
"Kiddo I need to go. You get a grip on yourself and get yourself discharged,capish?" Sandro stands up and looks down at me.
"If only your mother could see you right now...with all this bandages,scars and stiches. She would kill me." His fingers on either side of my cheeks,inspecting my face. I looked into his eyes. He bent down and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"You know I'm never understanding those balkan/italian things with kissing on the cheeks but I can do one exception." He went back to his earlier position and walked out of the room,leaving me alone with my thoughts again.
"Thank you mama for giving me one last chance,but please just...give me something to live for."
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Kimberly Casey
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Presence
"Four months later and I met Ally. In a club,she was the bartender and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her the whole night." He said. My hand on top of his as we laid down together in bed. He looked into the emptyness,while the tears were resting on the edge of my eyes.
"I have no idea what to say...but I'm sure that she was your saving grace,Nicola." I tell him. I look into his green eyes. He looks at me. But his eyes is holding something I'm not happy with...empty? He looks like a shell.
This must be so hard to talk about...and the pain must be so intense and painful. But the emptyness turn into something else. Pain and love. The feeling of missing a loved one.
"She...she was so beautiful..." he smiles a weak smile at the memory at her,but it quickly fades into a broken one and...a tear slides down his cheek.
Oh my god...my heart is going to break. Why is he having such an impact on me?
"No god no,it's okay Nicola. Let it out." As those words leaves my lips,he rest his head in the crook of my neck,just...letting me hold him close to me. The stone in my chest stays there the whole time as I can feel him shake with the sobs. I feel the tears run down onto my chest. But I don't care. He need me,or someone. And I think that I need him too...
"T-thank you...you're the first one I've cried in front of in years...but don't expect it t happen often." He sits up,looking into my eyes. I give him a smile and looks down on his necklace. I pick it up with my fingers and brush with my thumb on the engraved name.
Ally.
"I bet she was beautiful. Her name is gorgeous." I say and drop the necklace and look up at him. He only looks at me like he is shocked...
What?
"Yes. Yes she was." He gives me one last smile before he closes the gap between us,and...connect our lips. His hand behind my ear as he pulls me closer. This kiss wasn't rough,or full of desire. This was passionate and...full of need?
I think I'm falling for this man...
He pulls away,but keep his forhead against mine and looks into my eyes.
"But so are you..."
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Thoughts on this chapter?❤️
Please,if you're feeling suicidal-seek help! There is help and talk to someone. Nobody is judging you!
If you feel like you don't have anyone close to you,you can write to me. I'm always avavible and I will ALWAYS reply when I see your message.❤️
Thank you.
KIXKX