The next two days are a flurry of training and learning.
Through some trial and error, we found out some weaknesses in my powers. Like air; it's easy for me to control, but is weak and dissipates quickly, meaning it only takes a few moments of struggling to break free of restraints unless I am consciously tending to them.
And then there's the strength that comes from my powers. Turns out I'm able to go move things that are extremely heavy, but I can't break through certain materials, like thick metal. I thought it would stand to reason that if I could manage to throw a car 40 feet without breaking a sweat, I would be able to crack open a metal door, but apparently that's not how they work.
I hold up a hand towards Natasha and she pauses, letting her arms fall. We've been sparring for the last half hour. Nothing intense, but enough to need a breather.
"You're getting better, but you need to pay attention to what I'm doing. You focus too much on what your next move is that you're not anticipating my next moves."
"Okay... I'll work on that..." I pant. I square up and attempt to analyze her movements the way she explained before, but after I slam into the mats for the third time, I let out a frustrated groan.
"Hey, don't beat yourself up, you've only been doing this for a few days," she says.
"You're right. I should change my goal to seeing how many times you can beat me up in a day instead," I reply.
"Give it time, you'll get a hang of it."
"Let's go again," I say, standing up.
"Why not take a break?" she suggests.
"I will soon. But not yet."
I lower my stance and she nods.
"Focus on my movements," she says quietly.
I watch, then decide to reach out to her, using my mental senses as an early warning sign. Immediately I notice a difference, and when I feel her move her left leg, I mimic her.
This could be useful.
I continue to focus on her movements until she finally attacks, and somehow I counter and avoid being tripped.
"Good. Keep it up."
We go back and forth for a few minutes before her movements get faster, more calculated.
Good to know she didn't need to try to beat me.
Eventually I risk an attack and feel her arm snake around mine, so I grab on to her lower arm, using air to throw her off balance, and roll her over me.
"Cheating," she says before swinging her legs under my own and forcing me down as well. We slam to the ground, and I feel her move to flip me, but I roll from her grip and push back to my feet.
She flips up and attacks again, her moves now fluid as if she doesn't need to think about them.
I counter, feeling her about to lift her leg and kick her as her foot lifts from the ground to knock her off balance.
She falls back but flips herself onto her knees and I can't help but roll my eyes.
"Show off," I mutter.
She smirks and I advance on her.
Now that I know what to expect, defense is much easier; I block kicks and punches and even manage to put her off balance a few more times before she finally pins me.
"That was much better, Y/N," she nods approvingly, putting a hand out to help me up. I place my hand in hers and feel her prepare to flip me, so I quickly turn and flip her over my shoulder.
She hits the mat, and rolls to the side to brace her fall. "You've learned."
"Taught by the best," I return.
"Alright now actually take a break," she orders as she pushes to stand up.
I nod and grab my water from the ground, taking a long sip.
"So, what was different?" she asks.
"I was using my powers. I know you said not to, but it was only to sense what you were doing."
"If it helps to learn then do what you can, but try to notice things without them as well. You don't want to only rely on your abilities."
I nod and take another sip before a knock sounds on the glass door.
Natasha and I turn, seeing Vision standing in the open door. "Hello Natasha, Y/N; I came to tell you that Doctor Hof has your results. She is hoping to speak to you in in Tony's office."
"Well then, let's go," I smile. "Thanks Nat, I'll see you in a bit."
"See you later," she calls as I follow Vision into the hall.
"How is training going?"
"It's going pretty well—still don't think I could take someone on with only my physical abilities, but I could probably hold my own with my powers," I laugh.
"That's good. Your abilities are quite amazing."
"Hmm, they're something."
Vision leads me up the stairs and in the opposite direction of the common space, stopping at a shiny black door.
"I hope she can give you some answers," Vision says gently.
"Thanks, me too," I mumble with a smile.
He nods before turning down the hall, and push through the door and into the office. It's large and open, with a floor to ceiling window on the furthest wall and a dark tinted glass desk that Tony sits at while Doctor Hof stands behind him, pointing to something on a monitor.
"Hey kid, pop a squat on the couch," Tony instructs, not looking up from the screen.
"Hey," I greet, following directions and sitting on the fluffy leather couch in front of the window on the rear wall.
"Evening," Hof smiles. "How are you?"
"I'm good, thanks. How are you? I can't believe how fast you've gotten through all the data, there was so much."
"Well, I have a good team who helped, and Mr. Stark's equipment here is very advanced, so it made analysis easy."
I open my mouth to reply, but a quiet ding comes from the computer and Fury appears on the screen.
"Hello, Stark, Doctor Hof, L/N."
I didn't know he would be joining...
"Hey Fury," I nod.
"You may proceed whenever you are ready."
"Alright. Well, the results are very much what you were expecting, Y/N," she nods to me. "Your abilities are a result of genetic mutations, likely passed from your parents, and fortunately, I was able to sequence your genome and identify where the change in your DNA happened. It's quite extraordinary," she says excitedly. "While I was able to identify the genes, I could not determine how they allow you to manipulate matter. That is a mystery."
I nod.
She takes us through the tests done. Brain scans, ECG's, CT's, blood.
My head is almost spinning by the end; where my brain is active when I manipulate, how my body temperature rises slightly, how apparently my brain signals mirror the brain activity of someone who is multilingual when I manipulate more than one type of matter at once.
So much information, yet no real answers.
"Your brain manipulates matter as easily as it would move your body, and as you have described, it seems to function as a muscle. It's unlike anything I've seen before... Do you have any questions about any of it?"
I look over the prints in front of me. Scans, charts, and tables cover the pages. "No... No, that was just a lot of information at once."
"Yes, unfortunately, I am unable to draw many conclusions, however, this is a good starting point for future tests."
"Future tests?"
"Yes, if you're interested. Not only to see if we can decipher your abilities, but I believe your genetics could help us further our understanding of humans as a whole. You could give us answers as to how your parent's DNA became altered, and that could help us understand how to alter ourselves to avoid disease or unwanted traits. Even give ourselves traits we currently do not possess."
"You're talking about eugenics," I breathe.
"I'm talking about helping people," she counters with a small smile.
"There's a fine line between helping and erasing."
"Well, it is up to you whether you want to be part of that research. You could help billions. Just think about it."
Her words echo what Tony had said a few days ago, but this feels different. She begins collecting the papers, tucking them into a folder.
"Can I have those?" I ask. "It'll make me feel better to be able to look through them again..."
"Oh... Yes, of course. I will review the results further over the next few weeks and let you know if I find anything else. If you have any questions, you can contact me. Or, if you think further on that research," she nods, handing the folder to me. "It was good to meet you, Y/N."
"Thanks for everything, Doctor Hof," I nod, pulling the folder to my chest.
"Mr. Stark, thank you for hosting me, it has been a very enlightening experience. I am planning on taking the next flight to Switzerland unless there is anything else you need?" Doctor Hof asks.
"No, you've done more than enough. I'll show you out," Tony says.
"Thank you, Doctor," Fury says from the monitor. "Have a safe flight."
"Thank you. Goodbye Y/N, Director Fury."
I send her a smile and look down to the folder in my arms, brain flying over all the information.
"I trust you've been staying out of trouble," Fury asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
I chuckle and nod. "Yah, it's been real boring here; doing nothing and all."
"Hmm, maybe you should find something to occupy your time. I'm sure the team would have some tasks you could do for them," he suggests.
I raise a brow. "So, you did bring me here for a reason," I say, thinking back to what Natasha said the other day.
He shrugs. "You said you preferred to go there over a research facility. I didn't make any decisions."
"Mhmm, well, either way, I appreciate it."
"Have a good day, L/N. And stay out of trouble. No playing super-hero, remember?"
"No playing super-hero," I repeat. "Later Fury," I say before hitting the end button.
I walk out of the office, making my way through the halls and up the stairs. When I get into my room, I lay out the scans and datasheets across my bed, looking from one to the next: blood, vitals, changes in heart rate, brain activity.
I start to zone out when I realize a certain part of my brain has been mentioned on two different tests. I pull the charts from the shock tests, then search through the other sheets until I see the familiar word and pull the page. It's from the last test we did, where I was hooked up to the electrodes and she had me hold the weights.
I re-read one page then the other before realizing the connection.
How could she miss this?
I go over the rest of the data, trying to see if I can find anything else that she didn't catch.
Nothing.
Maybe it just slipped past her attention—she did work for nearly two days straight to get me these results. I look at the sheets in front of me, and with a huff, stand and make my way downstairs.
"Doctor Hof missed something," I say, dropping the papers down on the small coffee table in front of the kitchen.
Natasha, Steve, and Tony sit on the surrounding couches, faces confused.
"What do you mean she missed something?" Tony asks as he picks up the sheets.
"The first page is data from a shock-test she did—she basically zapped me with electricity to see how it reacted with my brain, for whatever reason, I don't know. Point is, I have decreased activity in this part of my brain," I say pointing to a little diagram, "after electric shock. Then she measured my brain activity when using my powers, and guess which area is most active when I manipulate stuff?"
"I'm gonna hazard a guess and say the same area?" Natasha says from her spot on the opposite couch.
I nod and lean against the armrest of the couch Tony sits on.
"Does that mean electric shocks can stop your abilities?" Steve asks.
"I'm not sure... but it seems that way. The intensity of shock was obviously too low for any extreme or long-lasting effects, but that makes me want to know what the immediate reaction would be. Or what it would be if the voltage or amps were higher."
Tony slaps the papers on the table, watching me with an incredulous look while Steve leans forward with furrowed brows.
"Are you saying you want to shock yourself to see how bad your reaction will be?"
"When you say it like that you make it sound so much worse than it is. I'm talking controlled tests, like these, but where we can see the direct effect on my powers. Her shock tests were well before she had me using my abilities, so its effects likely wore off by that point. We could see how the strength of the shock affects the intensity and duration of those low-activity periods."
"Are you a masochist?" Tony balks. "No. We're not shocking you to see what the reaction will be. We have data here saying that it affects you in some way; that's enough."
"No, that's not enough. We need to know how exactly this could affect me. If this has the ability to cut off my powers, we need to know its extent," I argue.
"She has a point. Knowing those details could mean her safety," Natasha agrees.
"Then we'll make sure she doesn't stick a fork into the toaster, we're not electrocuting her on purpose," Tony counters.
"Oh, you're acting like I'm asking you to zap me with a transformer—I just want further evidence. Increasing voltage from where Doctor Hof stopped. We don't even know if this will get worse with a stronger shock, but we need to know. And we need to know how exactly it affects my abilities. How reduced they are. How much I can take before I'm unable to use them. How long until my full abilities return."
"You're not serious?" I hear Bucky ask.
I didn't even hear him come over. I turn my face to where he stands a couple feet away and nod. "Yes, I am serious. I need to know."
His face is pained as he watches me, but I turn back to the others as Natasha speaks up.
"Tony. We can't pretend that the danger she could face is toasters. You suggested bringing her on the team and we need to be realistic with the risks. If someone gets a hold of her and figures out electricity stops her abilities, they can use that against her," she states calmly.
Tony rubs a hand down his face, letting out an annoyed breath.
"Knowing the effects could give her an edge," Steve mutters, arms braced against his knees.
"So, you're okay with the idea of being shocked over and over again in the hopes of learning your limit?" Bucky asks. "What about the side effects? You could seriously hurt yourself by doing this."
I look back at him and I take a deep breath. "I understand that there is risk, but the test would be controlled and well under the voltage and amps that would result in any damage. I need to know," I add.
He looks down, as if searching for answers, then meets my eyes again and nods.
"You're all insane. You know that? Insane. And now I have to call Doctor Hof back, who's probably super excited to go home and away from you all," Tony mutters.
"Wait—don't call her back," I say quickly.
Tony gives me a confused look. "So, you want me to, what? Let you stick a fork in the toaster?"
I scoff at him. "Obviously not no; I would never get an accurate reading from that," I joke. He doesn't laugh. I push up from the arm of the couch, trying to find the words. "I didn't get a very good vibe from her..." I mutter.
Tony gives me a dead look.
"Okay, she missed a huge connection and she's into eugenics and wants me to help her with her little experiments... I just, I don't get a good vibe. This is something I can do myself, I just need someone to flip the switch."
"Vibe. You don't get a good vibe," Tony grumbles. He must see my discomfort because he lets out a sigh. "Fine. I won't call her back. But, you want me to believe you can run these tests yourself?"
"Well, yes. If I can figure out how to manufacture synthetic DNA with nano-bots, I think I can run a safe experiment to electrocute myself."
It's true, I watched Doctor Hof set everything up and where she placed the electrodes. I can do it.
"Hmm, no—Vision!" Tony calls, poking his head past the couches.
"Yes, Mr. Stark?" Vision asks, walking over to us.
"Could you do some research on performing this type of test," Tony says passing Vision the datasheet. "Little miss masochist here has decided she wants to shock herself a few more times to find out how it affects her abilities."
"Not a masochist," I mutter.
"Of course. When will these tests be?"
"As soon as possible," I say.
"I'll get right on it."
"Thanks, Vision, I really appreciate it."
"Glad to help," he nods before returning the paper, rising and phasing through the ceiling.
Creepy.
"Thank you," I say, turning back to Tony. "I just want to understand my powers."
He rolls his eyes but nods. "Yah, yah. You better not get hurt."
"I'll keep that in mind," I chuckle before turning. "Hey, Natasha, I'm gonna grab something to eat then head back down to the gym if you're free to do some more sparring?"
"Sorry, Y/N, I have some things to get done for Tony, we can do some more tomorrow though,"
I nod when Bucky speaks up.
"I can do some drills with you, if you want?"
"Hmm, good idea," Natasha grins.
"Definitely. That way you don't get too used to one fighting style," Steve nods.
"Thanks, Bucky," I smile.
"I'm gonna get changed, I'll be back in a second," he nods before heading out of the living space. I didn't notice before, but I think this is the first time I've seen Bucky in jeans, and I can't help but eye him as he disappears behind the wall.
Someone coughs behind me, and I tilt my head to look at Tony.
"Behave," he mutters.
"What? I'm on my best behavior," I throw my hands up in defense.
Steve looks a bit confused at the exchange and Natasha laughs at his expression, muttering something about him being oblivious.
With that, I round the couches and head into the kitchen, deciding on a chicken wrap before plopping onto a couch in front of the TV to eat. Bucky makes it downstairs just as I'm finishing, and I swear I can feel his eyes on me as I bring my plate to the kitchen. I meet him at the conference table, and we make our way downstairs in an odd silence.
Is he okay?
When we get into the gym, I shift my focus to the workout, running through a quick warm up before moving to the sparring mats.
In front of me, Bucky drops into a defensive stance, eyes playful. "Show me what you've got," he smirks.
At least he's showing emotion now.
I nod and try a few moves, but he blocks every attempt.
"Why don't you attack me, I'm better at defense," I suggest.
His eyebrow shoots up, but he nods. He comes at me quickly and I go to move, but he responds and I'm thrown to the ground. He puts an arm out and I grab hold, pulling him down to flip him, but he expects that as well and rolls behind me.
"Fucker," I pant before swinging around and getting to my feet.
I feel with my powers and sense him about to lunge, so I begin an evasive maneuver, but he catches it and I end up on the ground again.
"Oh, come on!"
"I've gotta say, that connection is really helpful in fighting," he chuckles.
"Connection—Oh. My. God. You cheater! Is that how you've been countering my moves?"
I remember how he said he could sense me after I reached out the first time, I just didn't think it was that strong.
"Hey, I'm not the one who controls it," he shrugs.
"Well let me just sever that right now," I huff, cutting off the tether between us.
His jaw twitches but he nods, putting a hand out for me, which I eye warily before grabbing it to pull myself up.
"Alright, no mystic help. Just me and my skills," he says before lowering his stance again.
Without the connection, I'm able to actually keep myself off the ground, and although he's likely holding back the same way that Natasha was, I'm still pretty proud of myself for staying up. He's also careful not to hit me with his left arm, which I am thankful for because I've seen that thing do serious damage to punching bags.
We must have been down here for close to an hour when we agreed to end the session, me panting for breath while he barely looked like he'd done anything.
"You're doing pretty well so far, I might even try next time we spar," Bucky teases from his spot on the ground in front of me.
I sit cross-legged a foot away, chugging my water. "Hmm I think I gave you a run for your money," I say with a nod. "Give me a few more days and I won't even need to use my abilities to fight."
"Mhmm, you're a real Rocky," he teases.
"Shut up," I laugh, rolling my eyes and standing. I reach a hand down to help him up and he grabs hold and stands, but doesn't letting go.
"Are you gonna put that connection back?" he asks quietly.
"I'm not sure... You had a serious advantage against me during those fights; that's not fair," I smile coyly at him.
His face inches closer to mine. "Come on doll," he mumbles, "don't blame it on me, you had control of it."
I scrunch my brow as if I were thinking, but his lips crash into mine, and all I care about in that moment is wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him closer. A smile breaks out on my lips before I flooding feeling into his left arm, reconnecting the tether between us which sends a comforting wave through me.
"That is much better," he says gruffly against my lips.
I giggle and kiss him once more before hesitantly pulling away. "We should maybe not do this in a room that has an entire wall made of glass," I mumble, nodding to the hallway.
"So, you're not into voyeurism. Got it. Just masochism."
I gasp, pushing him gently. "I am not a masochist. God, thanks to Tony everyone is gonna think I'm some sex fiend!"
Bucky throws back his head in laughter before looking at me with a smile. "I'm okay with a sex fiend."
"You sir, are going to get nothing from teasing," I state, poking his chest.
He tries to keep a straight face but can't help the smile from breaking out. "Alright, alright. Fine," he says with a straight face.
It only takes a moment of eye contact before we both break out into giggles, and his hold on my hips only adds to my giddiness.
Eventually we both calm down, but I notice his face turn stone-serious.
"You okay?" I ask, brows furrowed.
He lets out a breath and looks towards the hall for a moment. "I know it's not my place... I just don't like the idea of you electrocuting yourself. It's risky for so many reasons, and I know you want to know—need to know—but you could get seriously hurt..."
I nod. "I know it's risky, but doesn't it make sense that I know?"
"Yes. But what if something goes wrong?"
"We'll take the proper precautions. Tony obviously doesn't trust me to do it myself, so he'll probably have a doctor come in. Or maybe have Vision do it since he's having him research the procedure. But either way, it'll be controlled and safe. I'm not interested in frying my brain, but I feel like a weakness like this is important to figure out."
"I know," he says wrapping his arm around me. "It just... I know what it's like... I don't like the idea..." he whispers.
I nod, wrapping my arms around his torso and dropping my head into his shoulder.
While a part of me is swooning over him looking out for me, I understand why he's so against it. Anyone would want to steer clear of anything to do with electrocution if they went through what he did.
"Let's head back upstairs. I'm pretty sure there's cake mix in the cupboard and I'm in the mood for cake," I say after a few moments.
Cake will make him happy.
He eyes me a moment with confused brows.
"Cake makes everything better," I explain.
His lips turn up and he shakes his head. "It does... Come on," he says, keeping his left arm wrapped around my waist as we head out the gym door.
The moment of calm dies away when we reach the common area, hearing a frenzy conversation echoing through the halls.
"What's going on?" I ask as we approach where everyone is crowded by the conference table.
"Ah, Y/N, Bucky, you're right on time. Tony finally got a location for Hydra's base," Thor explains.
"Oh, I got a lot more than that. And Y/N, I think you're going to be interested," Tony says tapping screens and moving different documents around. I see two different maps among pictures of people and a decrepit-looking building.
When everyone is finally around the table, Tony turns to us, excitement visible across his body. "We found the location of the main facility Hydra is using for experiments. It's located in Northeastern Russia, and from what we know, it is fully operational and guarded," he explains, swiping to aerial images with what looks like patrol cars. "We need to send a team in to do further reconnaissance to understand the threat. This, however, piqued my interest," he continues, swiping and enlarging the image of the decrepit building. Now full size it's possible to see the huge crater on the side of the building.
My brain starts working and I take a sharp breath. "Is that..."
"That is one of Hydra's old research facility where they were finding ways to enhance people—where your abilities were conceived," Tony says. "What I am proposing, is one team goes to Russia to do recon, while a second team goes to Sweden and does a little snooping around for any information left at the facility. I don't know if we'll find anything, but it's worth a shot. Might give us some insight into the experiments they're doing now since they no longer have access to a universe-altering rock. You all game?"
"Easy objectives. Let's do it," Rhodey nods.
Everyone agrees, and Tony nods. "We don't need the entire team. I'm thinking four to Russia, and one to come with Y/N and me to Sweden."
After some back and forth, everyone decides that Steve, Natasha, Bucky, and Rhodey will go to the Russian base, which gives them enough brains and brawns to infiltrate safely—not to mention Natasha and Bucky both speak Russian. Sam volunteered to come to Sweden with Tony and I, and it's set that we leave tomorrow afternoon because apparently, Tony owns a 'very fast plane' and wants to infiltrate at night.
⁂
After a few hours of discussion, Tony, Sam, and I run through the plan for the final time in the kitchen.
"We'll make sure the place is deserted before we head in, but I'm pretty confident it's empty. I've looked at satellite imagery of the area from the last year and there has been no activity," Tony says, swiping a tablet to clear it.
"What's up with Hydra and isolated bases in the mountains? Like is it a thing that evil dudes want to be cold all the time?" Sam chides.
"I think it has more to do with the small chance anyone is taking their daily walk in the mountains," Tony counters sarcastically.
I laugh at them both and pop the last grape from my plate into my mouth. "If y'all aren't worried then I'm good. Besides, if someone comes at us, I can just suck the air from their lungs," I shrug as I place my plate into the dishwasher. When I look up, I see Tony and Sam exchange a 'wtf' look, but I ignore it and lean my elbows against the counter.
"Now, if we're done, I'm gonna head upstairs; I've been beaten up way too many times in the past three days and I'm exhausted," I say with a tight-lipped smile.
"Are you just not gonna say anything about the suffocation thing?" Sam gawks.
"Night y'all," I call to where the others are still hashing out the last few details of the plan.
"Night, Y/N!"
I get up the stairs and find Vision in the hallway, making his way down.
Oh, nice to see him not floating through floors.
"Ah, Y/N. I've finished that research on the shock-tests, it doesn't seem too complicated or risky, but we should probably wait until you get back to do anything to your abilities," he says.
"Probably a good idea. Would you mind letting Tony know? I'm really tired and just want to jump in the shower and go to bed," I explain.
"Of course. You've got a long day tomorrow, have a good night."
"Thanks, Vision, you too."
I slip into my room, stripping from my clothes and jumping into the shower, the heat doing miracles on my sore muscles. Those gym mats are deceptively hard.
When I finally get out, I throw on a big t-shirt and a pair of shorts before diving under the covers and laying there for a few minutes before turning to my other side. My mind distractedly goes over the plan.
Then again.
Then I start thinking of the other team's plan—they're going inside a Hydra base; amillion things could go wrong. Not to mention the fact that their faces are all recognizable and Hydra likely has a 'no entrance' policy for Avengers.
I flip onto my stomach and will my brain to be quiet, starting to count back from 10,000; something my parents used to tell me to do when I couldn't sleep.
I'm at 7654 when I hear the muffled sound a door closing in the hall and I stand, sliding my window up and letting my eyes drift over the lake as fresh air seeps into my room. I let out a groan and press my forehead to the cool glass when my brain goes through the plan one more time.
"Stop thinking about it, dumb ass," I hiss.
Obviously the more I try to stop thinking, the more I do, so soon, I'm back to thinking of all the things that can go wrong as a ball of anxiety weighs down my stomach.
I pace between the bed and the wall, trying to get the nervous energy out.
Is everyone this nervous before a mission?
Are they just used to it?
I let out a breath and exit my room, knocking softly on the door opposite of mine. There's silence for a few beats and I cringe, realizing he might be sleeping considering I have no idea what time it is.
I'm ready to turn away when the door opens to reveal a damp-haired Bucky with a towel slung over his bare shoulder and a confused look on his face. "You okay?"
"Can we talk for a bit? It's okay if you're going to bed, I just, I can't sleep..."
"No, it's fine, come in," he nods, stepping out of the way. As I walk past, I'm engulfed by the scent of his body wash.
Not fair that he smells that good.
He ruffles the towel through his hair before draping it across the back of a chair. "So, what's going on?" he asks, taking a seat on his bed and pushing himself against the wall. He nods to the spot beside him, and I make my way over, settling beside him and crossing my legs under me.
"I just can't get my mind to stop spinning. All I can think of is the plan, and what could go wrong... I don't understand how anyone could sleep tonight," I sigh.
He nods in understanding. "I remember the night before I shipped out for the war. I set up a double date for Steve and me, trying to make the most of our time together. Didn't go well, but that's besides the point, I went from one event to another and ended up staying out all night rather than trying to go home and sleep. Told myself then that I wanted a last bit of freedom, but it's because I was nervous... It takes getting used to, but the first mission is always the worst. You'll learn to trust the team and yourself."
"You guys are going into an active facility though. That's so risky..."
"It has to be done. We have no idea how far along S.H.I.E.L.D. has gotten with their own recon, but considering we've heard nothing, I'd assume not very far. It'll be a quick operation anyways; get in, check out the layout, see if we can pull any info on experiments, any prisoners, and get out. We have a cover and backup. Besides, we have two super-soldiers, a spy, and a War Machine, so I think we'll be okay."
"Wow, that makes me feel so much better," I say sarcastically.
"Oh good, I was worried you would still be nervous," he chuckles softly.
I send him a dead look but he's unfazed, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side.
"Everything will be fine tomorrow. And hopefully, we'll get some much-needed information on those experiments and how to end them," he mumbles as his hand takes up its familiar place in my hair. "Just try to relax... it's going to be a long day."
I settle into his side and focus on his fingers, some of the anxiety ebbing as my eyes get heavy. "You know I'm starting to think you only play with my hair to make me fall asleep," I tease.
"What? No... But is it working?" he asks quietly, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
"Maybe. So, I guess that means I should probably head to bed," I say, pushing myself off of him.
"You don't have to... You could just sleep here," he offers a little hesitantly.
I face him and smile. "Mr. Barnes! Are you inviting me to bed?!" I ask dramatically.
"To sleep, you sex fiend," he warns jokingly.
"To sleep sounds nice," I smile, before leaning over and giving him a quick kiss.
"I'll grab the light," he says going to get off the bed, but I flip the switch with my powers. He chuckles before slipping under the covers and I follow, settling myself on my stomach and turning to face him.
"Thanks for talking with me, Bucky," I whisper as his hand stretches across the pillow, fingers brushing my hair away from my face.
The corner of his mouth quirks up before he presses a kiss against my forehead. "Night, doll," he whispers as he pulls me into his side.
"Night, Bucky," I mumble airily, amazed, and somewhat confused at how comfortable I am with him.
Is it because he's the first person I've been able to form any sort of relationship with in years? Or is it because we have a genuine connection?
His fingers trace shapes across my side gently and my stomach flutters.
Don't go down that hole.
Just enjoy it.
⁂
The sound of an intake of breath rouses me from my sleep, and when I open my eyes and turn, I see Bucky hunched over the side of the bed, breathing heavily.
"Bucky?" I whisper, pushing myself to sit up.
He lets out a sigh and drags shaky hands down his face, but doesn't say anything.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Just a dream."
I open my mouth before closing again. "Was it about Hydra again?" I ask quietly.
"Not this time..."
I watch his back expand as he pulls a deep breath in. "Do you want to talk about it?"
He sighs and pushes himself back against the headboard, eyes focused on the wall opposite of us.
Staring at him probably isn't helping.
I turn and push myself up beside him on the headboard, then gently pull his hand into mine, drawing shapes across his palm with my finger as his breathing calms. "You don't have to tell me. I don't want to push, but I'm here if you want to talk," I say quietly.
He looses a quiet breath beside me. "It was about the people I've killed," he whispers. "Hydra would wipe me after each mission so I wouldn't remember, but I remember them all now. And in my dreams... they beg me to stop. But they're not dreams, they're memories. And living with that—living after everything I've done; it's unfair to them. That Steve fought for me, and this team accepted me, is unfair to them. I don't deserve that. Not after what I've done..." he says darkly.
"Bucky..." I whisper sadly. What can I say? I can't even imagine what he's going through. This is such a stark contrast to his usual demeanor, and I struggle to find the right words. "What Hydra did to you, it was you, but it wasn't your decision. You fought for people's freedom in the war, and now you fight against not only Hydra, but anyone who hurts innocent people. When given control you chose to help. The guilt you carry might not ever go away, but you can continue to fight and destroy the organization that made you do those things—that is good," I say quietly, fingers trailing gently across his.
"It doesn't change the past."
"Nothing changes the past. But it doesn't change that you do deserve to be fought for. You deserve a second chance."
"Hmm."
"It's okay if you don't believe me right now. That's something we can work through together," I state, turning to send him a close-lipped smile.
That's what friends do.
That's what I want to do.
He meets my gaze with a shake of his head. "You don't need that responsibility. I'm not trying to put my issues on your back."
"You're not putting them anywhere; I want to support you. If I'm not in a good position to listen, I'll tell you, but this isn't something you need to go at alone."
He stares a moment before nodding, pulling my hand to his mouth to press a soft kiss against my knuckles. A few moments pass before his hand squeezes mine and pulls me back under the covers, arm wrapping around my waist to pull me close to him. I lay there a while, listening to his breathing slow before shutting my eyes.
He deserves to be fought for.
Hey hey!
Left off on a bit of a sad note, but how is everyone feeling so far?
We got a bit more understanding on how Y/N's abilities work, as well as how she's deciding to use them.
Do you think it's a risk for her to rely on her abilities? Lmk in the comments!
If you're enjoying so far please vote and add this story to your TBR!