A/N: trigger warning-mentions of violence!
You woke up surrounded by darkness, and for a brief second you had no clue where you were, but the feel and smell of Harry in your proximity anchored you. Your mind didn't even try and make sense of where you were once it figured out he was right there next to you. You were safe, and that was all that mattered. You blinked a few times to adjust to the darkness and soon you could make out Harry's sparkly eyes looking at you, the back of his fingers gently caressing the side of your face that wasn't buried into the pillow.
"Hello there, sleeping beauty"
You chortled mid-yawn "Ugh. Why didn't you wake me up? How late is it? I must've slept the whole day away"
"You were sleeping so soundly, I couldn't find it in me to wake you up. I even got up a couple times and you didn't wake up, which is unlike you"
You rested your head back on the pillow looking at how he was looking at you adoringly, his head propped up on his hand, his other hand still caressing every inch of skin he could reach. You loved that he already knew you were a light sleeper and kept note of that. Why did that mean so much to you? It must've been the novelty of it "Still... you should've woken me up. Now I'm gonna fuck up my sleep schedule"
"I'd say it was already fucked up since the past few days" he hummed and you playfully pushed his hand away
"And whose fault is that?"
"Oh I take full responsibility. Don't worry, we'll figure out a way to fix your sleep schedule. Just gotta get you tired enough, and I can think of a few ways to arrange that"
"Oh God, Harry. You're going to burn me out. I swear I can't keep up with you. Are you sure you're not actually a teenage boy?" he laughed at that but you caught yourself before you could join him in "Hey," you cleared your throat "Uhm. About that. Do you think maybe we should... talk about what happened? Is now a good time? Or are you still brooding over it?"
"I thought we... hashed that out earlier, in the shower" he raised an eyebrow and you mirrored his expression, only yours was more the "cut the bullshit" kind
"We don't have to, if you don't want to. But I just... I do. I wanna have this conversation so that we can move on from it and not have it be an issue again"
Harry turned serious, furrowing his brows and he kissed your hand before retracting his, giving you his full attention "Ok. Let's"
"Ok" you sat up against the headboard and he rested on his elbows looking at you "I just... I wanna know what set you off like that. A lot of things were happening, and I just wanna understand, wanna know what it was that upset you so much"
Harry sighed, shaking his head and lowering his gaze to the pillow he was hugging to his bare chest "All this could've been avoided if we'd just driven up here"
You furrowed your brows "Huh? Drive all the way to California? That would've taken us... I'm not even sure. That's almost across country, Harry"
"I know, but it would've been better than to send you off to first class on your own. Since I asked you to join me here last minute, that was the only available ticket option, and I was sure you'd enjoy it, it made perfect sense at the time when I booked it. But I had no clue you'd never flown before, never even thought to ask. That was inconsiderate of me, and I'm sorry I put you through that" he looked up at you then and you leaned over so that you could tilt his chin up towards you even further
"You did ask me right before we boarded if I was scared of flying. I could've told you then that I had no clue whether I was or wasn't since I'd never done it before, but I didn't want you to think that was weird... I dunno what I was thinking, honestly. So it's my fault as much as yours. You'd meant it as a surprise, and by the way. I'm paying you back for the ticket"
He pulled back, his expression morphing to a stern one "No, you are not. I don't want to have this discussion again, Y/N. Please. You came here as my guest, you're not paying for anything. End of story"
You sighed exasperatedly through your nose "I'll drop it just because I don't want to get into another argument with you. For now..." he raised his eyebrow and you once again mirrored his expression "Ok. So aside from you kicking yourself over surprising me with a first class ticket" you rolled your eyes exasperatedly for effect "... what else?"
"I wasn't there for you. You were scared. You had to hold that prick's hand..."
You searched his eyes "Are you mad at me about that?" you asked in a small voice
"Of course not"
"Are you mad at him?"
"I wanna say no, but... yes? Mad 'cause he was there to do it, and I wasn't. Mad that he assumed you were alone, because why wouldn't he. What man would just leave his girlfriend alone on her first flight, all by herself? I'm mad at myself. Mad that I hadn't even thought about this"
"Harry, it's alright. Yeah, I was a bit pissed off, you could've told me we wouldn't be seated together, but I get that you wanted it to be a surprise. I was fucking terrified, not gonna lie to you. I hadn't realized it would be like that. Never really gave it much thought before. And I squeezed the crap out his hand in pure terror. So, aside from his dislocated jaw, he wasn't joking about those fingers I'd crushed"
After a long pause in which he just stared at you and kept clenching and unclenching his jaw, he muttered "I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. I hate that you saw me like that"
You sighed deeply. What could you say to that? He was right, he shouldn't have "I just... I mean. Was it the fact that..." you winced "That he assumed you were my father, do you think?"
"That was just the icing on the cake" he scoffed "That's a different matter altogether... I'm not even sure at this point what set me off. A mix of both that and him just asking you out right under my nose like that" he clicked his tongue and looked at you intently and finally said, gravely "There's... there's something you should know. If we're going to do this right, you have the right to know. I don't want any secrets between us"
You nodded, bracing yourself for what he was about to say. He looked dead serious and you had a feeling this was something he'd thought about while you'd been sleeping. He looked tired, he looked like he'd gone over this in his mind time and time again before you woke up, and he was reluctant to talk to you about it. But you knew that he was right. Whatever he had to tell you, you too wanted no secrets between the two of you, and if you were being honest with yourself, you had a thing or two to tell him, yourself...
"I was hoping this wasn't going to be an issue, I thought I was past this. I genuinely thought I was doing so much better. But truthfully, I had no real way of knowing. Because I haven't really been in a serious relationship since my ex wife"
You gulped "That's... wow. That's a long time"
"Yeah. 12 years" he grabbed your hand, squeezing it intently "This is why... I need you to know that I mean it when I say this is special to me. You're special. I've not felt like this about anyone in a... really long time. And I'm already fucking it up" he squeezed a little bit harder at the end and you tried not to wince but the way he was gritting his teeth and staring into space told you he was having a moment and you just tried not to interrupt whatever he was processing. He eventually loosened his grip, and began caressing your knuckles "My ex... she cheated. That's why it ended. With Emily's step father. It'd been ongoing... for a while, until I found out. I didn't see it coming. I honestly didn't. I thought we were doing great. She was happy. I was happy. Emily was a happy little kid. I hadn't realized someone else was making her happy. I think that's something I could never wrap my head around. How did I not see it? How did I not... fuck, I don't know, how did I not smell it on her, you know? Some other man was fucking her and then she came into our bed and acted like I was the one she wanted. How could she do that?"
To say that you were taken aback would be a major understatement. You weren't expecting for Harry to unload all of that. You already knew, from Emily, that her mom had cheated and that was wad had led to the divorce when she was only 6 years old. But you never stopped to think about how that must've affected Harry.
"When I found out... I hit the roof. I was so hurt. I felt betrayed, in every way imaginable. It felt like the harshest slap life could've given me. I was riding on cloud nine and then I was dropped directly into the deepest pits of hell. It all felt so sudden. It wasn't at all like how you hear people going through this... normally when someone cheats, they distance themselves gradually, and their marriages are falling apart, but I thought ours was as good as it gets, you know? Of course, looking back now, I can see things that I was oblivious to back then. I can see how she'd leave me with Emily and just go off on work trips or even weekend getaways with her girlfriends, and I know motherhood wasn't easy on her... she'd suffered from postpartum, and I knew she needed time off from all the responsibility every now and then. And frankly I was over the moon, I loved spending time with Emily just the two of us, I got to spoil her rotten and we would just bend all the rules when she was away, she loved it. We would... eat in bed, watch cartoons till late at night, way past her bedtime, I even let her draw on the walls once and had to repaint the whole hallway before Felicia came back so she wouldn't suspect anything"
You made a mental note of his ex's name. Sounded pretty fitting for a heartless bitch. You stretched your legs out and gestured for Harry to place his head in your lap and he did so without missing a beat. You caressed his hair as he looked at your other hand he was holding, intertwining your fingers and running his thumb over your knuckles over and over
"I should've seen it coming"
"No, Harry. You couldn't have. No one should have to second guess their marriage like that. You were happy. It isn't your fault that she betrayed your trust"
He furrowed his brows "I guess... what I'm getting at with this... The reason why I barely got to see Emily growing up, the reason why she made sure I barely had any time with her at all... the reason why she got almost full custody isn't because she just wanted me out of the picture so that she could have her new family and close the chapter on her past and be done with it. She took Emily away from me, and I hate her for it, it makes my blood boil. But at the same time, I know I would've done the same, and I don't blame her. She did what she felt was right to protect Emily, because... she was scared"
"What do you mean?"
"Emily doesn't know this... I know you would never, but please don't tell her, ever. She thinks it's her stepdad's fault that she only got to see me so little growing up. And it is, in a way, but not the way she thinks. I can't believe I'm saying this, but this is the one thing I'm grateful for. Julian... her stepdad, that is, he felt that she had a right to spend time with her real father. As much as I hate to say it, he was the bigger man at the end of the day."
"Harry. What are you getting at?" your fingers stilled, buried in his curls and he glanced at you briefly before lowering his gaze back to your cojoined hands
"I... I almost killed him" after a long pause in which you held your breath waiting for him to go on, he continued "I beat him to a pulp when I found out. I tracked him down, and when I found him, I just... lost it. I wasn't thinking straight... hell, I wasn't thinking at all. I was like a raging bull, all I could see was red before my eyes. He was the reason my life was falling apart. I took it all out on him, and I almost fucking killed him. He had to be hospitalized"
Your mouth went dry, you just stared at him in disbelief. How was it possible that this sweet, gentle man you've grown to know so intimately was someone capable of such a thing?
"I was lucky someone stepped in last minute otherwise I'm sure I would've gone through with it. I was so out of my mind with rage. And it was all so... unexpected, even to me. I'd never done anything like that, ever. I was never violent in my whole life uptil then. Not ever. But I was... and am... extremely jealous. Possessive. Territorial. That I knew... I just never knew I could act on it in such a violent manner."
He slowly sat up, avoiding looking at you, putting some distance between the two of you and sitting on the edge of the bed, resting his face in his palms, his elbows on his knees- which you were grateful for, because that was... a lot to take in. You just stared into space, trying to make sense of what he just told you, yet somehow, it felt unreal. It felt as though you were in a dream, a nightmare you were going to wake up from. Surely this couldn't be real. Not him. Not Harry. He couldn't... he wouldn't...
"So today... what happened... really fucking terrified me. I thought I was long past that. I thought all the therapy and shit had... fixed this violent streak, but apparently... it's there, it's always been there. Dormant."
There was a long pause when neither of you spoke, each avoiding looking at the other. You knew you had to speak up, sooner or later, but... say what?
"My father beat me" you blurted out before you could even realize what you were doing
Harry immediately stiffened and turned to look at you "What did you say?"
You gulped, immediately regretting bringing it up, now, of all times, but it was too late to go back now "He used to beat me growing up. Regularly. He would beat me black and blue. I had to skip school so many times, just so that people wouldn't catch on. Not just me, he beat my mother too. Not my brother though. Obviously he went harder on my mother, but still he was pretty harsh with me, he wasn't holding back... he took it out on me. Everything, all his frustrations, for no reason. I used to hide from him and still he'd find me and think of a reason to punish me. It was always something I'd said or done that'd set him off, always my fault..."
Your voice was small saying all of that, and the words sounded so foreign to your own ears. You'd discussed this at length with your therapist, but somehow, telling this to Harry seemed entirely different. It sounded as though you were admitting to the reality of it to yourself. When you were telling your therapist about it, it had been almost as if talking about it happening to someone else. Your past self, the child you, which you dissociated from. But this was you admitting that it had happened to you. You had been beaten, you had been abused growing up.
You flinched when you felt Harry's hand gently touching yours and pulled back, he'd been trying to talk to you but you must've zoned out. You both looked at eachother then, and the pain you saw in his eyes was physically hurting you, yet, you couldn't find the strength to say or do anything.
"Please... please don't pull away from me like that" his voice came out in a strangled whisper and you could see his eyes glazed over in unshed tears and before you realized it, tears of your own made their way down your cheeks, blurring your vision. Just as well, you thought, because you couldn't bare looking at him like that. He was hurt. But you were hurt, too.
The man you were in love with was physically aggressive.
You gasped audibly at your own realization. In love. You were in love with him. You suddenly couldn't breathe. You felt as though all the air had been squeezed out of your lungs. Your hands instinctively went to your throat as you gasped again, trying to breathe.
"Y/N!" Harry scurried to your side, wary still not to touch you since you'd pulled away "Breathe, come on. Breathe. You can do it. Calm down, now. Come on. Deep breaths, through your nose, come on." You tried focusing on him but it was hard to let go of the terror that had took over your whole being. You closed your eyes shut, trying to calm down, but all you could see was Harry beating some guy unconscious and you jumped off the bed, away from him, trying to find a window.
You were wheezing audibly, panting uncontrollably, and you knew you had to get it together otherwise you'd collapse.
"Please, Y/N, please" you could hear Harry behind you, he was trying to sound calm but you could hear the desperation in his voice "It's alright, you're alright. I promise. Please, I'm going to fix it, I swear to God, just please, please, breathe. Focus, baby, come on. Deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth, come on"
You stuck your head out the window finally and tried to focus on what he was telling you, tried to focus on his words and nothing else.
You still felt tears rolling down your face with each shuddered breath, but slowly you found a rhythm, and managed to catch your breath.
"Harry?" you finally managed
"Yes, I'm here. I'm here, baby. You're alright. God, you're alright" you could sense that he was aching to touch you, comfort you somehow, but he was keeping his distance lest he startled you again
"I'm not alright" you echoed the very words he used to say to you "I can't be here right now" you wiped at your eyes, trying to compose yourself "I can't... I'm sorry. I have to be alone"
"Y/N..."
"You asked this of me earlier today, and now I know. I shouldn't have pushed you. I didn't know any better, but now I do. And trust me, I can't be near you right now"
After a long pause he pleaded "Please don't do this. Don't close off. Please, let's talk about it. Baby, I would never—"
"Harry, don't. Please, just please. I beg of you. I need to process this in my own way. I can't if you're here. I'll leave in the morning, find a hotel, if you need me to go, but please for tonight... I need to be by myself"
"What are you saying?" his voice was impossibly small "Please, Y/N. This is a mistake, don't do this. I can fix this, I swear..."
"No, you can't, Harry. You can't fix this, and you can't fix me. Please... I need to be alone"
"How can I leave you alone like this? You're hurt. It's killing me to see you like this. Please, I'll sleep on the floor, ok? You won't even know I'm here"
"Stop! Stop, ok?" you turned to face him, and he looked absolutely devastated. You'd never seen a grown man look so disheveled in your whole life "Are you leaving, or am I? I'll go, Harry, I swear to God!"
He pressed his lips into a thin line and hung his head in defeat. He reluctantly made his way over to the door "I'll be downstairs" he stopped right before he was about to close the door behind him "I can't undo my past, Y/N. And I can't fix what happened to you, you're right. I'm not a monster, and I'm not your father. I'm just a man with his own demons. But I'll be damned if I don't make sure you never look at me again the way you did tonight"
You waited until you heard him reach the bottom of the staircase before you allowed yourself to fall apart, keeping as quiet as possible, but the sound of your heart breaking was deafening.
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A/N: this was a hard chapter to write. i kept warning you that Harry's got his own issues, and that there's a reason why the two of them click beyond just her own "daddy issues". there's more to explore on why she is also helping him face his own demons. but this scratches the surface of it. he's not perfect, no one ever claimed he was. he's human, i'm not portraying this perfect knight in shining armor coming in to save Y/N from her anguish. i'm really curious to see how you guys deal with his own trauma.
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